[trying_to_rejuvenate]

What does it mean if she will never initiate? If I initiate then she always orgasms and enjoys sex.

She knows I am dying for her to initiate in 10 years but she has done only rarely say about 10 times.

I take it as emotional abuse and being manipulative. She has gotten everything she wants this way .... I am putting a stop to this nowadays with suitable responses.

Do you think it is emotional abuse too?

 

[ARF]

I don't know if I'd go as far to say it is emotional abuse.

Some people have hang ups. Being here as long as I have, initiating appears to be a very common hang up.

Have you flat out told her that you want her to initiate?

 

[kingsfan]

If she is doing it because she KNOWS it is hurting you and she WANTS to hurt you, then yes, I guess it is emotional abuse. Odds are though that she doesn't want to hurt you, and she may not even know just how bad it hurts you, so no, I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse in all likelihood.

 

[Bellavista]

She may feel shy about initiating, she may fear rejection, there may be any number of reasons that are not emotional abuse.
I have been married nearly 25 years & have only just started to initiate sex with my H. I still feel weird & a bit anxious in case he says no. (never happened yet).

 

[trying_to_rejuvenate]

She knows how much it hurts me. I have told her countless time of my need but she has often said "I dont care".

We started out following the way set out by Harley in "his needs her needs" and she knows that but today she made the pretence of her menstruating and when I checked she did not have a spot of blood but she was merely wearing the pad so that it would make that noise indicating she was wearing it.

 

[aribabe]

You checked her pad?
That's new

She knows how much it hurts me. I have told her countless time of my need but she has often said "I dont care".

We started out following the way set out by Harley in "his needs her needs" and she knows that but today she made the pretence of her menstruating and when I checked she did not have a spot of blood but she was merely wearing the pad so that it would make that noise indicating she was wearing it.

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[PHTlump]

Most women refuse to initiate because they think it's the man's job. Or, because they have responsive desire and only get in the mood after we start warming them up. Or, because they just don't want sex with us.

Your wife is either in one of those camps, or she may just be sadistic and want to screw with you. If you really think that she's trying to hurt you, then I think you need to turn down the thermostat.

Identify some primary needs of hers that you are currently providing and cut back on them. That will get her attention. When she asks about it, tell her that you've decided to match her level of effort in the relationship and you will only meet her needs to the extent that she meets yours.

Good luck.

 

[unbelievable]

She's showing up and participating as a sexual partner. Life could be worse.

 

[greenpearl]

I just see a man who is not satisfied with his life.

It's interesting. Some men's wives don't want to have sex, they have reasons to complain. Some men's wives don't initiate, and it's big deal. Some men's wives are not kinky enough, and that's not enough. Of course, some men's wives want sex too much, and that's wearing them out.

No matter what kind of situation they are in, they have reasons to complain.

I just see unsatisfied people looking for reasons to be unhappy in life!!!

 

[Terry_CO]

When I was a newlywed for the first time, and in my 20s, I wanted it every day. I got it "only" three times a week. I was bummed.

When I was in my thirties I wanted it twice a week. I got it only once a week. I was bummed.

When I am in my eighties, I'll fantasize about getting it one ...more ...time ... and curse my selfishness for not appreciating what I had, when I had it

 

[jaquen]

Why do you assume it's emotional abuse? Nothing in your OP indicates that.

Women have been taught for a very long time, at least in this country, that men are the initiators of sex. That notion has been slowly changing over the last few decades, but there are still tons of women who will not initiate, even when they want to have sex with you.

 

[Gaia]

Checking her pad? Wtf? Umm op I will wear a pad when there is no bleeding yet and thats not for it to merely make noise. I do that because it will be around the time my period starts. It never starts on the exact same day or date and the flow at the start always varies. Better to be safe then sorry ya know. I think you went a bit overboard with the pad thing.
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[PHTlump]

I just see unsatisfied people looking for reasons to be unhappy in life!!!

That seems to imply that everyone, or most people, should actually be satisfied with their sex lives. And that's obviously not true.

Sure, I get a bit of a chuckle when we get the occasional post from a man who wants sex daily instead of his current frequency of "only" 4 times a week. But that's a pretty rare type of post. Most folks on here have legitimate complaints and reasons to be unsatisfied.

 

[PHTlump]

Why do you assume it's emotional abuse? Nothing in your OP indicates that.

I think abuse is too strong of a word. But, if your spouse repeatedly asked you for something, told you it was extremely important to him, and your response was, "Tough sh!t," it wouldn't exactly be a very nice thing to do, would it?

This guy wants his wife to show some interest in him and initiate sex and his wife can't be bothered to do it more than once a year. Now, I get that women are shy and demure and responsive and all that. That's why I would tell this guy that it's unreasonable to expect his wife to initiate every time, or every other time. But asking his wife to change her frequency of initiating from "almost never" to "occasionally" is a reasonable request.

 

[Holland]

She knows how much it hurts me. I have told her countless time of my need but she has often said "I dont care".

We started out following the way set out by Harley in "his needs her needs" and she knows that but today she made the pretence of her menstruating and when I checked she did not have a spot of blood but she was merely wearing the pad so that it would make that noise indicating she was wearing it.

Maybe what she is really saying is that "she doesn't care about you", the sex issue is just a by product of that.
Find out why she doesn't care about you.

 

[jaquen]

I think abuse is too strong of a word. But, if your spouse repeatedly asked you for something, told you it was extremely important to him, and your response was, "Tough sh!t," it wouldn't exactly be a very nice thing to do, would it?

This guy wants his wife to show some interest in him and initiate sex and his wife can't be bothered to do it more than once a year. Now, I get that women are shy and demure and responsive and all that. That's why I would tell this guy that it's unreasonable to expect his wife to initiate every time, or every other time. But asking his wife to change her frequency of initiating from "almost never" to "occasionally" is a reasonable request.

I don't think there is a single person in this thread, myself included, who suggested he didn't have a legitimate concern.

The only point I am baffled at is why he classifies this as abusive behavior.

 

[Shiksa]

Great, now i'm going to be listening for the "pad noise" when I walk.

I think there is more to the story. She may feel like one of those performing monkeys when he asks her to initiate. Many women are responsive, and initiating doesn't happen like it does with men.

 

[Holland]

Great, now i'm going to be listening for the "pad noise" when I walk.

I think there is more to the story. She may feel like one of those performing monkeys when he asks her to initiate. Many women are responsive, and initiating doesn't happen like it does with men.

I don't even know what pad noise is, maybe I use the silent brand.

TBH the whole checking her pad comes across as controlling and may be a clue as to why there is an issue.
Problems in the sex life are not always related to sex.

 

[PHTlump]

I don't think there is a single person in this thread, myself included, who suggested he didn't have a legitimate concern.

The only point I am baffled at is why he classifies this as abusive behavior.

I would guess it's because, when your wife tells you that she doesn't love you enough to show some interest in you sexually, it's devastating. I don't know if I would have used the word abusive, but it's cruel, spiteful, and callous. Maybe it is abusive.

 

[PHTlump]

TBH the whole checking her pad comes across as controlling and may be a clue as to why there is an issue.
Problems in the sex life are not always related to sex.

Perhaps he's controlling. But, when menstruation is used as an excuse to avoid sex, a man will become interested in menstruation. If she had told him she was too undernourished to have sex, he would be counting her calories. It's understandable.