[insanelygreat]

Good morning all,

Let me start off by giving you some background. My wife and I married three years ago and are very, very young. She is 21 and I am 23. We've been living together for more than four years. Like most young couples, we were extremely excited when we first moved in together and couldn't wait to spend time with each other. We have had great times together and love each other very much.

Fast forward three years later, here's the situation. I have no control over my own life. She has become this controlling person and I feel like there's no escape. She is extremely jealous and micromanages me at all levels. I am not allowed to:
-Go to public places by myself without being interrogated about the women I saw, if they were attractive, etc.
-Listen to female artists
-Have a Facebook account
-Have a twitter account
-Watch movies in which women are present, say I like a movie in which a woman is present, read books in which women are present (e.g. A Severed Head)
-Obviously no female friends or acquaintances (my two best friends happened to be women before we married, she refused to even meet them in person and have not talked to them in over three years)
-etc...

My last year in college was hell, since it involved meeting in groups and working with other class members to work in projects.
We tried therapy, and the therapist sided with me and tried to make her understand I am an adult and I can make some of my own decisions. We have no kids, she has cheated on me twice. I love her. Am I an idiot?
Also, I happen to be a really emotional guy. She has made me cry a lot.
Please help me.

 

[Open up now let it all go]

Holy ****, and I thought my partner could be a bit controlling/posessive/jealous now and then. I'm not sure where to start but it's time to completely turn around and turn the marriage upside down. You're being treated worse than a little child.

 

[insanelygreat]

@open Yeah and the list goes on. I am really not being able to be myself and I feel her attitude is slowing me down intellectually. For example, no library time for me. Her mom sent us some magazines last week, taste of home for her, esquire for me. I was flipping through pages next to her and she ripped every page that had a girl in it.

 

[Open up now let it all go]

There's tons of posters that have all sorts of self-help "man-up" books and links. But what you're describing goes a bit further than anything I've seen so far on this board. I think it's borderline abusive what she's doing. This is no way of living - forgive me for saying that. I respect marriage and LTR commitment a lot but you need to get out of this situation. ASAP.

 

[insanelygreat]

Thank you. I appreciate your input. After one of our big fights we even went to the court house to get a divorce, only to find out there's a lot of paperwork and stages you have to go through before making it happen. It was after this that we decided to go to therapy. I feel this is partly my fault for letting it escalate.

 

[BjornFree]

Do you have kids young man? Why do you love her if you do at all?

 

[insanelygreat]

No kids. No shared assets. Don´t own a house.

 

[Open up now let it all go]

She's waaaaay to immature to be married (or even be in a relationship) and you've let her walk all over you.

 

[BjornFree]

Now, its simple. Either you're going to be with the same woman 10 years from now where you'll be saddled with a lot more responsibility, a couple of runts in the litter, a house maybe, and your wife 10 years older, much more cranky, more controlling and jealous because her fertile age is coming to an end.

Or you can leave now, finish the complicated(its only complicated on the surface) paperwork. Finish college, get yourself a nice job, build your assets up. Buy a nice car, a nice house maybe and some nice threads with the money that would otherwise go in maintaining an ungrateful and controlling wife.

Isn't life so simple when you break it down to tiny bits and pieces?

Edit: There's also a high chance of you meeting a more beautiful and mature woman.

 

[Dollystanford]

she's showing an incredible level of immaturity - this is only going to get worse if you don't stop it now
what are you scared of? is she violent towards you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

 

[insanelygreat]

Try and fix it or divorce?
I am scared about being so young and being divorced. I know it sounds stupid but that's the truth. I am also concerned about her feelings. I want to make her understand she is hurting me.

 

[Open up now let it all go]

I've had the same problem with my partner (I'm of a similar age of you so that might help) that started about 3 years ago. She somehow got into a depression and had a lot of unresolved issues from a previous relationship. Anyway it brought a lot of issues concerning jealousness, smothering, posessiveness etc into the relationship to the point where I felt uncomfortable even going to friends etc. After about 1.5 years of that I came to my senses and realized I was damaging myself by not changing the situation. Was already planning on breaking it off till she suddenly turned around and things improved. I was lucky with that but even my dear girlfriend nowadays says: "why the hell did you put up with that?" One of the reasons was that I cared about her and she was so deep in the **** that I couldn't get it over my heart to abandon her. But in hindsight, I should've handled that much different. I should've been there but at the same time be assertive and tell her this is no way of living in a relationship. Either start working on helping yourself or we're done. Your mental health comes first and in this kind of situation it will dent and scar you...

 

[Mrs. T]

Try and fix it or divorce?
I am scared about being so young and being divorced. I know it sounds stupid but that's the truth. I am also concerned about her feelings. I want to make her understand she is hurting me.

I would be scared about being so young and so MISERABLE...it will only get worse. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

She cheated on you twice and has the audacity to tell you what movies you can watch or what books to read? Should be the other way around....

 

[Mavash.]

You aren't doing her any favors by enabling bad behavior. Her behavior is abusive and you're allowing it to happen. You have the right to freedom as everyone does. I know you're young and you love her but don't you love yourself?

And the fact that she's cheated on you? OMG you can't look at women but she can be with other men? What kind of effed up double standard is that?

 

[Adex]

This is a classic example of why men have to be the alpha in the relationship.

OP, you have let her have too much power over you. You need to lessen the Beta and man up tremendously in order to take back your relationship to where it will make you happy.

 

[insanelygreat]

I know this varies personally, but how much "freedom" is ok? I know I have none right now, but what is too much?

----

Thanks to those asking Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Sadly, I've never even thought about this, and no, I don't want to. I am just trying to figure things out.

 

[WyshIknew]

You aren't doing her any favors by enabling bad behavior. Her behavior is abusive and you're allowing it to happen. You have the right to freedom as everyone does. I know you're young and you love her but don't you love yourself?

And the fact that she's cheated on you? OMG you can't look at women but she can be with other men? What kind of effed up double standard is that?

:iagree:

Hell yeah!

 

[Open up now let it all go]

I know this varies personally, but how much "freedom" is ok? I know I have none right now, but what is too much?

----

Thanks to those asking Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Sadly, I've never even thought about this, and no, I don't want to. I am just trying to figure things out.

-Go to public places by myself without being interrogated about the women I saw, if they were attractive, etc.
-Listen to female artists
-Have a Facebook account
-Have a twitter account
-Watch movies in which women are present, say I like a movie in which a woman is present, read books in which women are present (e.g. A Severed Head)

This is all ridiculous and unacceptable. Some people will argue about the female friend issue so I'm not going to burn my hands on that one...

 

[insanelygreat]

What does man up tremendously mean?
Screaming back at her? Threatening her? Applying some pre-conceived societal rules that dictate the way a man should behave?

 

[Dollystanford]

I missed that she cheated on you twice
you know what? get out of this relationship right now, you have the right not to be miserable and be with someone who respects you

this chick is, as we say over here, taking the piss