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This is probably a topic for an entirely new thread, but... since so many here are worried this guy's going to go down the rabbit hole a second time and the R isn't going to work out...

For those who chose to R and it didn't work out, how did they feel about it afterward? Was the devastation as bad the second time, or did it seem like not that big a deal compared to the first? In other words, aside from the shame of having to face the TAM jury, how big was the downside to an unsuccessful R? How long did it take to become obvious?
 

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I believe if the parties both see reconciliation as a desirable and viable outcome, they should pursue that.

The issue we do see consistently is one party wants it ... and the other party is simply trying to avoid the consequences of actually ending the marriage.
 

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I believe if the parties both see reconciliation as a desirable and viable outcome, they should pursue that.

The issue we do see consistently is one party wants it ... and the other party is simply trying to avoid the consequences of actually ending the marriage.
Do you sense that here? Obviously we're only getting things from one side, but it appears, unless he's become completely blind to reality after a couple of hot sweaty nights, that both want to pursue reconciliation.
 

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Oh if life were only this easy. I'm sorry man, some times you just have to learn the hard way.

Your wife is having and affair and cruelly told you she has never been attracted to you. A few nights of apologies and some guilt sex after she got caught isn't going to fix those things in the long run. You don't have the first idea what she has been doing yet or who she is.

I suspect once the shock wears off you will want to know. I also suspect it's not over, just on hold until things calm down.

But maybe I am wrong. If not we will be here to help you deal.
 

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I believe if the parties both see reconciliation as a desirable and viable outcome, they should pursue that.

The issue we do see consistently is one party wants it ... and the other party is simply trying to avoid the consequences of actually ending the marriage.
Do you sense that here? Obviously we're only getting things from one side, but it appears unless he's become completely blind to reality after a couple of hot sweaty nights, that both want to pursue reconciliation.
You are kidding, right? @Casual Observer why are you trying so hard to swim upstream on this whole thread. You act as if you haven't read any of the other stories here.
This is a gold standard example of one-sided R. The OP has made it clear he wasn't going to divorce and demonstrated his naivety from the first post. he's codependent. His wife lied to his face and cheated on him but miraculously turns into the perfect sex-crazed wife AFTER getting caught and told him she had no attraction to him, but magically that developed when her lifestyle became threatened. Not only that, the OP found evidence from April, confronted her while she was out which gave her time and opportunity to delete any incriminating evidence from her current phone. Of course he didn't find anything. He has played just about everything the opposite of how he should have and didn't believe the majority here until he had to and he doesn't believe the majority now. Unfortunately, the time will come where he'll discover the majority was right again. He thinks everything is peachy because of some hysterical bonding and his wife telling him it is after she lied directly to his face, right before he discovered the truth.
@soincrediblylost You should get your wife to take a polygraph. It doesn't really matter how accurate they are as long as your wife thinks they are. She will admit to more before the poly. A parking lot confession, but that still won't be close to the whole story. It will be just enough for her to hope you'll drop the poly. Just make sure you don't. After the poly, if you discover a physical affair then you will want to get tested for STDs and possibly have your kids DNA tested. If you do none of this which I expect you won't then at least do this. You said you were in IT, get some data recovery software like Fonelab and do a data recovery on her current phone. Try to find the chat logs that she deleted.
 

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Welp, I hate to say it, but most of you were right.

I sat her down the other night and, calmly, told her that I wanted the truth, and this was her time to be honest with me about everything. She looked me square in the eyes and told me she had been faithful, and there was nobody else in the picture.

Today, after reading through your guys’ follow up posts (thanks to all who have contributed, even when it hurt to hear), I saw her old phone (from a few months ago) sitting in the office, tucked out of the way. Realizing that the phone would probably have her game and chat apps on it, I opened it up and took a look.

Most of it was inane game chatter, but there was one thread, with a tattooed ******* named Sean (the complete opposite of who I am) that confirmed my worst fears. They were flirting, using a “teacher/student” scenario, and talking about where to touch/lick each other like it was a sexy anatomy class. (She specifically mentioned something about him touching her clit.)

So...that’s it. You were right. She was having an EA.

She was at the craft store during all this (I was tracking her location), and I sent her a picture of her phone and said “you probably shouldn’t have left this laying around. You want to tell me who the **** Sean is? I can’t believe you. Guess I better call a lawyer and get the papers drawn up.”

Via text, she apologized, said it was a one-time thing on her part; that she felt bad about it, and regretted it as soon as it happened (which is BS, because she sent him three more messages with kissy faces and winks and waves in the days following - this was back on April 24th-30th). I told her that I don’t believe for a second that this was a one-time thing. She says she was feeling alone and neglected because I was so busy with work and school (which I was), and it was a lapse in judgement, and that she’s sorry.
Not sure I understand this...flirting via text was a one time thing, or did she meet him and did he meat her?
 

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we had a perfect storm of this game coming into her life
Life brings us "storms". One could hope that we learn to "ride" the storm, persevere, and move toward our partner rather than away.

I'd like to be able to tell my kids that I did everything I could to keep our family together, and gave their mother a chance for redemption when she needed it most (should something go wrong in the future and it doesn't work out).
I, personally, do not believe this idea comes from Schmuckdom. I think this is a Godly motive and highly applaud this choice on your part.

I was called a schmuck, too. Still am. I made this choice. And, I want to tell you this. It's now been 33 years since I made it. I've looked in the mirror lots of times over those 3-1/3 decades. I've never seen the schmuck. I don't regret that choice one bit.

I don't think you will, either.

Best. Again, I'm sorry you have to endure the pain of it. You don't deserve it.
 

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Life brings us "storms". One could hope that we learn to "ride" the storm, persevere, and move toward our partner rather than away.



I, personally, do not believe this idea comes from Schmuckdom. I think this is a Godly motive and highly applaud this choice on your part.

I was called a schmuck, too. Still am. I made this choice. And, I want to tell you this. It's now been 33 years since I made it. I've looked in the mirror lots of times over those 3-1/3 decades. I've never seen the schmuck. I don't regret that choice one bit.

I don't think you will, either.

Best. Again, I'm sorry you have to endure the pain of it. You don't deserve it.
I don't think anyone here has a problem with giving her a chance. The problem is he accepted the first story he was told, went into a ***** coma, and is now busily sweeping it under the rug. It's very unlikely she won't continue her wayward ways without being forced to come clean and work on herself and the marriage. And you've been here long enough to know that there's virtually no chance he has the truth yet.
 

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we had a perfect storm of this game coming into her life
This is the kind of thinking that gets you cheated on 10 years later. Cheating happens because of a character deficiency nothing else. Unless the person who cheated works hard to change those things that cause them to act in that way, you are subject to having it happen again. Besides that, usually the character deficiency spreads into all area's of their life. Sooner or later like a junky it's all going to come crashing down.

Proceed at your own risk.
 

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Hey @soincrediblylost, welcome to TAM, and I’m sorry that you find yourself here. I haven’t read any of the replies yet, but wanted to say a couple things regarding your post.

First off, kudos to you for taking your health seriously and working towards a healthier lifestyle!

Now to answer some of your questions:
1. Yes, I think she’s looking elsewhere, and it might be within that game she’s playing. I would keep an eye on her gaming for the time being. Does she tend to hide her phone screen from you? Did she change her password recently?

2. She might need really good sex, but really good sex is different for everyone. Are you guys sexually compatible? By how you described the recent oral sex, new toys, etc., I would say that this is more about sex than she’s letting on.

3. No, your losing weight is definitely not in vain; keep on going with the new healthy lifestyle! Think of it like this: lose the weight for YOU, and if she’s happy with it, great; if not, then that’s her loss. We’re given one body to live in for our entire lives, and it’s smart to take care of that body and treat it well.

4. I don’t think your marriage is doomed at this point (unless there are new developments here that I’ve yet to read about). But, you guys do need to work on your marriage. Have you thought of couple’s counselling?

5. Romance in a marriage varies. Do you know your wife’s love language? Does she know yours? If not, take the quiz: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ It’s important to speak in each other’s love language so that the other person feels appreciated. Case in point: my XH and I had entirely different love languages. I spoke to him in his language, and he also spoke to me in HIS love language (not mine). It left me feeling pretty crappy. I’m dating someone now though who ironically shares my love languages, we speak to each other with them and get along great. Learn each other’s language!

6. I can’t answer your question about sparks after having kids, as I’m not a Mom. I would imagine that it could be done, though it might take a little more effort.

7. I suppose attraction can be found after years of being together, but if she doesn’t have it now, it might not change much. I would guess that she found you attractive at one point, and I would also guess that someone else has caught her eye, and she’s fantasizing about him instead.

Like your wife, I wasn’t attracted to my now XH. I actually was never attracted to him though, and married him to fill a certain need in my life (no, it wasn’t sex). He married me for similar reasons. Love, attraction, passion was never a part of our relationship, even while dating; it was all about convenience for both of us, and convenience doesn’t make for a strong marriage.
 

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This is the kind of thinking that gets you cheated on 10 years later. Cheating happens because of a character deficiency nothing else. Unless the person who cheated works hard to change those things that cause them to act in that way, you are subject to having it happen again. Besides that, usually the character deficiency spreads into all area's of their life. Sooner or later like a junky it's all going to come crashing down.

Proceed at your own risk.


I agree with this. Unless something structural changes with the person that demonstrated a lack of accountability, then nothing really has been resolved.

The additional problem, from a purely logical perspective, is that if someone has demonstrated a pattern of deception, then how can you be sure they’re actually making these changes even if they appear to be doing so?
 

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A polygraph would be a good idea if, and only if, she believed that if she fails there would be dire consequences AND if she believed that you would go through with them. Then she might confess to more just before the poly.
 

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Oh if life were only this easy. I'm sorry man, some times you just have to learn the hard way.

Your wife is having and affair and cruelty told you she has never been attracted to you. A few nights of apologies and some guilt sex after she got caught isn't going to fix those things in the long run. You don't have the first idea what she has been doing yet or who she is.

I suspect once the shock wears off you will want to know. I also suspect it's not over, just on hold until things calm down.

But maybe I am wrong. If not we will be here to help you deal.
You're not wrong.
 

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My take. Rugsweep (probably didn't get the full story, truth) and Dosent seem to be fixing the underlying issues. Hence a repeat down the road could be likely.

Jumping into R immediately from what I've seen leaves a higher chance of a repeat.

Hope OP doesn't get to learn the hard way.

She put him in this spot but it is up to him on how he deals with it.
 

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My point of view on this is as follows...do I think he's being strung along? Definitely.
Is his *** gonna hit the floor in the future (sooner rather than later?) Definitely.
Will he come back and say that everyone here was right? I'm betting 98-99% yes.

The point is this: he is not in a position to listen to ANYONE's advice right now. He simply doesn't want to. So to throw out suggestions is more for our benefit than his.

Having raised teenagers the principle is the same. Don't tell me what to do. I can handle this myself.

All any of us can do is wish him the best, but be here to catch him if (when) he falls back into reality. I can't predict the future (if I could I would buy a lotto ticket)

But we can all be here to support when it happens.
 

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My point of view on this is as follows...do I think he's being strung along? Definitely.
Is his *** gonna hit the floor in the future (sooner rather than later?) Definitely.
Will he come back and say that everyone here was right? I'm betting 98-99% yes.

The point is this: he is not in a position to listen to ANYONE's advice right now. He simply doesn't want to. So to throw out suggestions is more for our benefit than his.

Having raised teenagers the principle is the same. Don't tell me what to do. I can handle this myself.

All any of us can do is wish him the best, but be here to catch him if (when) he falls back into reality. I can't predict the future (if I could I would buy a lotto ticket)

But we can all be here to support when it happens.
"When" it happens is a foregone conclusion? I'm still holding out hope that a reconciliation is possible. I still think you can create a scenario in which the potential upside is enough to offset the potential downside.

But yes, I would have been so heartbroken to hear my wife say such things. Especially since I may be living a variation of what he's going through. No possibility of infidelity in my variation, but there doesn't have to be for it to be similar. Looking back, it's clear I was the "safe" choice, not the exciting/lustful/whatever choice. That doesn't mean she didn't fall in love with me, or isn't in love with me now. But it's not quite the gig I thought I had signed up for. We're working on that.
 

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I still think you can create a scenario in which the potential upside is enough to offset the potential downside.
And, there is a potential upside for him even if his wife never actually changes her mind and focuses on him rather than her mind-games and adulteries. He will have done RIGHT by his wife and his kids, even when his wife is doing WRONG. He may not be rewarded by his wife, but his reward will come in the form of having no regrets and doing all that was possible to save his family.

But it's not quite the gig I thought I had signed up for. We're working on that.
Interesting.... if I were giving you advice, I'd tell you to not waste your time. Because that has been my experience. But, yours may be different. I can't say.... but I hold out hope for you.....
 

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And, there is a potential upside for him even if his wife never actually changes her mind and focuses on him rather than her mind-games and adulteries. He will have done RIGHT by his wife and his kids, even when his wife is doing WRONG. He may not be rewarded by his wife, but his reward will come in the form of having no regrets and doing all that was possible to save his family.



Interesting.... if I were giving you advice, I'd tell you to not waste your time. Because that has been my experience. But, yours may be different. I can't say.... but I hold out hope for you.....
Same here... it's rather disappointing, but at least I have lovely children... and we are not working on it... :)
I do have hope. Working on finding a marriage counselor today, and hoping for success in that endeavor as our 40th anniversary is this Sunday. Funny that "hope" is mentioned, because to me, "hope" and anticipation of something special are the things I key on, while they're pretty dead to her. I've written previously how she cannot anticipate a pleasurable experience, which causes her to lose out on so much, and makes her pretty tone-deaf to the emotions of others. I think her past was something she was so desperate to move on from because she was caught in a cycle of constantly needing something (a guy) to look forward to, to live for to the next day or two or whatever. I was slow & steady & safe. Once she realized she didn't have to manipulate me to be around (almost in a literal physical sense), she was able to break that cycle and move on.

I wonder if that might have been the case with the OP here? The difference though is this- ironically, my wife did marry someone very HD, and I never, ever, let sex get back-burnered like so many here. If that had happened, the marriage would have ended. The sex that came out of that, for years, decades, was (kind of obviously?) not all that great. But it was tit for tat so to speak. I had/have enough things she wanted that it was worth it to her. And then we get to that crazy moment several months ago when the whole world came crashing down because I discovered that her immediate past prior to meeting me was so different than she'd said, and everything hit the fan, including a whole lot of resentment on her part.

I know this isn't my thread, but please wish me some luck & peace in the days ahead. :) And perhaps some day we can have a thread all about being the "safe choice" when that's not what you thought was happening.
 
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