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Welp, I hate to say it, but most of you were right.

I sat her down the other night and, calmly, told her that I wanted the truth, and this was her time to be honest with me about everything. She looked me square in the eyes and told me she had been faithful, and there was nobody else in the picture.

Cheaters lie a lot. Always

Most of it was inane game chatter, but there was one thread, with a tattooed ******* named Sean (the complete opposite of who I am) that confirmed my worst fears. They were flirting, using a “teacher/student” scenario, and talking about where to touch/lick each other like it was a sexy anatomy class. (She specifically mentioned something about him touching her clit.)

No one here wanted this but women don't come out and say it's over unless there's someone in the mix. This happens all the time. Nothing special except it's happening to you

She was at the craft store during all this (I was tracking her location), and I sent her a picture of her phone and said “you probably shouldn’t have left this laying around. You want to tell me who the **** Sean is? I can’t believe you. Guess I better call a lawyer and get the papers drawn up.”

I would have kept quiet and dug a bit more. Like most you probably only know the "tip of the iceberg"

Via text, she apologized, said it was a one-time thing on her part; that she felt bad about it, and regretted it as soon as it happened (which is BS, because she sent him three more messages with kissy faces and winks and waves in the days following - this was back on April 24th-30th). I told her that I don’t believe for a second that this was a one-time thing. She says she was feeling alone and neglected because I was so busy with work and school (which I was), and it was a lapse in judgement, and that she’s sorry.

More lies. They all say this bud. Then blame you for it? It's just your typical wayward behavior

I don’t know what to do next, guys. I am so ****ing disgusted and sick to my stomach and angry and just...all kinds of screwed up right now. I’d kick her out of the house right now, but I think I’d rather go for a drive and try and clear my head and figure out my next move rather than make a big scene in front of the kids.

(Speaking of which, we’re supposed to leave for a family vacation, to see my best friend – who is aware of the situation – and his family in 3 days...I don’t know that I can do it. The kids are all excited to go; we’re close with their family, and if we bail, we lose a bunch of money and our kids lose their fun vacation for the summer. I’m torn on what to do.)

Simple, leave her home and just take your kids

Any (more) advice is appreciated. Thanks, gang.
Talk gets you nothing in these situations. Right now you know one thing. She's a cheating liar. Better wake up to your new reality. Fast !!!!

It's stupid advice to not snoop and just work on yourself, yada, yada, yada. You can never fix a problem if you don't know what the problem is.

Right now you need a hard 180. Do not do the damn "pick me dance" or try and nice her back. Those methods never work and they just lower your status while making her OM look better. It's a you're weak but OM is strong thing.
 

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Thank God you found her attraction side piece! I'm truly sorry you got the speech. The speech is given when the wondering spouse is in love with someone else. That is why they love you but are not "in love" with you anymore.

You got a variation of the typical speech with the not attracted to you monkey wrench, and the was the only difference of the same old ****ty speech that ends marriages.

Your marriage is over. Her affair is a physical one! Detach from the cheater and file for divorce. She broke the vow of foresake all others when she is physical with a man she is attracted to because she sure as hell ain't attracted to you no more.

Dump her! She ain't a wife no more to you either. That cheater ain't marriage material plain and simple!
 

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It's painfully apparent why he's not hearing any of this bull**** until now. Because up until now, he was good 'enough' for her.

Up until now.

But something much shinier has gotten her attention and now she just wants to be roommates and bestest friends with her husband. But don't worry, OP. She still wants you to support her financially and she still wants all the benefits of marriage, she just doesn't want to invest in you emotionally or physically anymore. :rolleyes:

OP, I think you're trying really really hard to delude yourself into believing this is just some midlife crisis or moment of confusion for her and that soon, this craziness will be over. Those texts you're hoping will change our outlook on the situation to me simply sound like she's trying to do a little damage control is all, trying to soften the blow for you and trying to fluff things up a bit so she doesn't come off as cold and ruthless as she really IS for what she's doing.

My best advice to you is to STOP trying to delude yourself because you don't want to face the truth. This isn't rocket science. She's on the phone SO much more now and suddenly, she's all about telling you how NOT attracted to you she is and how NOT in love with you she is. And she had 12 years to tell you this and never did. Not until the all that magic phone time she's now putting in.

You think these two things are a mere coincidence? Come on.

You married a selfish, self absorbed woman who has no problem devastating you while expecting you to happily continue being married to her in your new role as "friend only, provider, father, and spider killer."

I'm going to assume her new 'friend' probably lives too far away for her to be meeting physically.

Lucky, luck you. :rolleyes:

She'sStillGotIt is known for being indirect, beating around the bush, and desperately trying to spare the potential betrayed poster of losing any of their illusions. >:)
 

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Discussion Starter #106 (Edited)
Well, gang — it's been a tough week. Thanks for all of your input, advice, and well-wishes.

We had a talk on Saturday night — one that was very open and lasted several hours and covered a lot of ground. There were a lot of tears and emotions that came to the surface. I didn't do the "pick me dance" as one poster puts it, and I told her I'm not going to stick around for a failing relationship; that if she wants out that bad, she knows where the door is.

She apologized up and down, told me she would give up her game and delete any and all chat apps, gave me the password to her main phone and handed it over to me to inspect (which I did), and said that she wants to stay together and work on our relationship, and that she is so sorry for what she's done. She swears up and down that what I saw was the only thing that happened — but I know that can't be true, and told her I knew she was lying about that. (She stuck to her story, of course.) But, to me: it's kind of irrelevant at this point. I saw what I saw, and there's no changing what happened.

So, what now?

For me, what I saw when I stepped back and took a look at everything was the totality of our marriage over the past two years: we had a perfect storm of this game coming into her life, me doing school at night and work during the day, us sleeping in separate rooms at night, and me gaining weight recently. I'm not trying to justify her behavior (what she did is ****ed up and we all know it), but I can also see how things got to the point they did, honestly.

And here's the reality of the thing, guys: we have two beautiful children, and we care so deeply for them. We don't want to break our family up. Despite what has happened, we still love and care for each other. I am not perfect, either, for the record; I had turned to porn to fill the void in our love life (which also contributed to my inability to perform in bed when things did occasionally light up), so I'm not much better than her. We were both making mistakes and doing crap we shouldn't have late at night — and it all traces back to a loss of intimacy and feelings of loneliness and separation.

After our talk Saturday night, we held each other for a bit and just enjoyed the silence. And then, because of how we were laying, and how nice it felt to be together and touching each other, we took it up and notch — and had some of the most mind-bending sex of our lives.

Then we did it again the next night.

And then the night after that.

We haven't been like that since we first met! Like a couple of damn teenagers! I was on my A game, she was bringing the heat...it was like everything was brand new again. Unbelievable.

After all that, I asked her last night if her initial conversation with me (about not being attracted to me) had changed in any way; she said it absolutely had, and she felt more attracted/romantically connected to me than ever before. (She read my mind and said everything felt brand new again to her, too.)

So, we decided to take things day-by-day, work through the hurt and do everything we can to re-establish trust, and make some changes. The game is off of her phone now. The chat apps are deleted. I have her phone password, and her permission to check her phone whenever I wish. We agreed (for both of our sakes) to get a nice phone charging station for the kitchen and place both of our phones there to charge overnight; no more phones in bed. We also agreed to keep phones out of the bathroom, as well. We are looking at setting up sessions with a marriage counselor to work through our remaining feelings and make sense of ourselves and see how we can bring our best to the relationship and make it stronger than ever before.

So...I guess that's the end of the thread. We chose reconciliation over divorce. We chose to keep our family intact. We chose to work out the issues and come together.

I'm well aware that many of you are going to say "you're a schmuck and a pushover – she's a liar and she's going to do it again." Is that possible? Yeah, it is. I can't rule it out, obviously. But, I'd rather have given things a try, and give her a second chance; I'd like to be able to tell my kids that I did everything I could to keep our family together, and gave their mother a chance for redemption when she needed it most (should something go wrong in the future and it doesn't work out). Rest assured: if it happens again, or I find anything suspicious, she won't get another chance, of course...but for now, I am choosing to work on forgiving her and making our marriage stronger, rather than pushing her away and ending it all.

Thanks again, everybody, for walking with me through this situation. I appreciate you all so much.
 

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Well, gang — it's been a tough week. Thanks for all of your input, advice, and well-wishes.

We had a talk on Saturday night — one that was very open and lasted several hours and covered a lot of ground. There were a lot of tears and emotions that came to the surface. I didn't do the "pick me dance" as one poster puts it, and I told her I'm not going to stick around for a failing relationship; that if she wants out that bad, she knows where the door is.

She apologized up and down, told me she would give up her game and delete any and all chat apps, gave me the password to her main phone and handed it over to me to inspect (which I did), and said that she wants to stay together and work on our relationship, and that she is so sorry for what she's done. She swears up and down that what I saw was the only thing that happened — but I know that can't be true, and told her I knew she was lying about that. (She stuck to her story, of course.) But, to me: it's kind of irrelevant at this point. I saw what I saw, and there's no changing what happened.

So, what now?

For me, what I saw when I stepped back and took a look at everything was the totality of our marriage over the past two years: we had a perfect storm of this game coming into her life, me doing school at night and work during the day, us sleeping in separate rooms at night, and me gaining weight recently. I'm not trying to justify her behavior (what she did is ****ed up and we all know it), but I can also see how things got to the point they did, honestly.

And here's the reality of the thing, guys: we have two beautiful children, and we care so deeply for them. We don't want to break our family up. Despite what has happened, we still love and care for each other. I am not perfect, either, for the record; I had turned to porn to fill the void in our love life (which also contributed to my inability to perform in bed when things did occasionally light up), so I'm not much better than her. We were both making mistakes and doing crap we shouldn't have late at night — and it all traces back to a loss of intimacy and feelings of loneliness and separation.

After our talk Saturday night, we held each other for a bit and just enjoyed the silence. And then, because of how we were laying, and how nice it felt to be together and touching each other, we took it up and notch — and had some of the most mind-bending sex of our lives.

Then we did it again the next night.

And then the night after that.

We haven't been like that since we first met! Like a couple of damn teenagers! I was on my A game, she was bringing the heat...it was like everything was brand new again. Unbelievable.

After all that, I asked her last night if her initial conversation with me (about not being attracted to me) had changed in any way; she said it absolutely had, and she felt more attracted/romantically connected to me than ever before. (She read my mind and said everything felt brand new again to her, too.)

So, we decided to take things day-by-day, work through the hurt and do everything we can to re-establish trust, and make some changes. The game is off of her phone now. The chat apps are deleted. I have her phone password, and her permission to check her phone whenever I wish. We agreed (for both of our sakes) to get a nice phone charging station for the kitchen and place both of our phones there to charge overnight; no more phones in bed. We also agreed to keep phones out of the bathroom, as well. We are looking at setting up sessions with a marriage counselor to work through our remaining feelings and make sense of ourselves and see how we can bring our best to the relationship and make it stronger than ever before.

So...I guess that's the end of the thread. We chose reconciliation over divorce. We chose to keep our family intact. We chose to work out the issues and come together.

I'm well aware that many of you are going to say "you're a schmuck and a pushover – she's a liar and she's going to do it again." Is that possible? Yeah, it is. I can't rule it out, obviously. But, I'd rather have given things a try, and give her a second chance; I'd like to be able to tell my kids that I did everything I could to keep our family together, and gave their mother a chance for redemption when she needed it most (should something go wrong in the future and it doesn't work out). Rest assured: if it happens again, or I find anything suspicious, she won't get another chance, of course...but for now, I am choosing to work on forgiving her and making our marriage stronger, rather than pushing her away and ending it all.

Thanks again, everybody, for walking with me through this situation. I appreciate you all so much.
Before you get too satisfied with your situation you should google "hysterical bonding".
 

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Before you get too satisfied with your situation you should google "hysterical bonding".
The flip side is that you could almost consider the first 6 months to maybe 2 years of most relationships to be "hysterical bonding." Another name for the honeymoon period. And given how she says she felt about him early on... no lust, no attraction... it is possible that she's actually found something in him now that floats her boat. Possible.

A lot of mistakes are made, a lot of things overlooked, in that first 6-24 months of a relationship. Let's hope that those mistakes were made in the past for this couple. That both now have their eyes wide open.
 

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The flip side is that you could almost consider the first 6 months to maybe 2 years of most relationships to be "hysterical bonding." Another name for the honeymoon period. And given how she says she felt about him early on... no lust, no attraction... it is possible that she's actually found something in him now that floats her boat. Possible.

A lot of mistakes are made, a lot of things overlooked, in that first 6-24 months of a relationship. Let's hope that those mistakes were made in the past for this couple. That both now have their eyes wide open.
No, you can't. It's not another name for the honeymoon period. Like the honeymoon period it's hormone driven, but it's not the same hormones. I'm not going to put a lot more into this, HB doesn't last long but I suspect this poster will go a couple of years before he realizes what's actually happened. But here's an excerpt from the first google response.

Business Insider said:
Neo says you may start to do things you wouldn't normally do as a way of coping. For instance, seducing your partner with adventurous sex.

In psychology, there are two main forms of coping: problem-focused coping and emotion-focused coping. Problem-focused coping involves actions you take towards solving a problem, whereas emotion-focused coping is anything that makes us feel better, from talking, to drinking and drugs, to sex.

"Hysterical bonding may be a form of emotional-focused coping," said Neo. "When we are very stressed, and our whole world has been thrown off-kilter, the human being does a lot of very strange things."

The person may also believe that if they use up all their partner's "reserves," then they won't have the energy or desire to look elsewhere again.

It depends on what state the relationship was in before.
If the relationship was a bad or toxic one, or if your partner was abusive, it can be easy for the victim to blame themselves for everything that went wrong. That includes their partner cheating on them.


"They might think, 'It's because I was a prude, or because I didn't have enough sex,'" Neo said. "Suddenly... you realise it's all unravelling, and it's not working anymore. So that might be a wakeup call for doing something you would never associate yourself with."

In more severe cases of abusive relationships, the partner may have gaslighted the victim into thinking everything is their fault. Sometimes, they will even think the cheating is a punishment for their incorrect behaviour.

"It could be a form of masochism," Neo said. "If someone's mistreated you, it reinforces the idea that you're not good enough, or these words we don't say out loud — 'I'm worthless, I deserve to be treated badly.' So how do you reinforce this idea? You let yourself get hurt again by this person."

https://www.businessinsider.com/hysterical-bonding-after-breakup-2017-11
 

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I hope you guys make it. When things settle down, consider renewing your vows. When a couple first get married, they have no clue what they're getting into. They have no clue what those words in the vows really mean. But once you've been through all this, you know what marriage should be. Renew your vows and really take the words to heart and work to make your marriage what it should be.
 

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Beware false R's happen all the time.


And many of them are fueled by hysterical bonding.

Typically lasts somewhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.

Just like most promises do that are never actually intended to be followed through, New Years resolutions, diet plans, or gym memberships.

His wife isn’t going to go from not being attracted to him to be a nymphomaniac for him forever just by him reading her chat logs. Nothing structural has changed for her except she’s temporarily afraid, so the odds of going back to her old behaviour are high.

Everything structural for him has changed - he’s been told she’s never been that into him, and discovered she’s been lying to him systematically, and unfaithful by some measure as well.

There’s likely more to come for him, but I very much hope to be wrong.
 

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OP, that you think this is the end shows how ill prepared you are for reconciliation.

Doing it right takes years, not months...or in your case, days.

I sincerely hope it works for you. We will be here should your gut again start telling you that things aren't right.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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OP, that you think this is the end shows how ill prepared you are for reconciliation.

Doing it right takes years, not months...or in your case, days.

I sincerely hope it works for you. We will be here should your gut again start telling you that things aren't right.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
Some of us will also be here, 5 years down the road, maybe 10, hoping to read how the TAM jury was wrong, that sure, it was a struggle at times, but it worked out and you both feel the right choice was made.
 

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And many of them are fueled by hysterical bonding.

Typically lasts somewhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.

Just like most promises do that are never actually intended to be followed through, New Years resolutions, diet plans, or gym memberships.

His wife isn’t going to go from not being attracted to him to be a nymphomaniac for him forever just by him reading her chat logs. Nothing structural has changed for her except she’s temporarily afraid, so the odds of going back to her old behaviour are high.

Everything structural for him has changed - he’s been told she’s never been that into him, and discovered she’s been lying to him systematically, and unfaithful by some measure as well.

There’s likely more to come for him, but I very much hope to be wrong.
THIS right here is reality. No one magically becomes attracted to someone they werent before. She is playing the long game. But I guess if he needs to feel beyond a doubt that he tried, then this is what he needs to do.
 

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Here is your simple guide.

The way you chose to conduct your relationship previously did not foster a growing, loving, relationship.

So ... if you fall back on that in 10, 30, or 300 days, it will likely yield the same result.

I'll reiterate, make some goals for yourself ... outside of the scope of the relationship.

Let her do the work, rather than enabling her to do the work.

You seem like a nice guy.

Which is exactly what concerns me.
 
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