Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 145 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi everyone. Hoping to find some sanity and help in this forum. This is my first post.

I just turned 38, my wife is 34 (35 in October). We've been married for 12.5 years, and have two children: a 5-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl.

On Friday of last week, my wife and I were sitting at the kitchen table after putting the kids to bed, and I could tell something was "off" with her. I asked her what was on her mind, prepared to listen and be supportive (as I always am).

She revealed to me, very somberly, that she is not attracted to me.

Not only is she not attracted to me right now, she has never been attracted to me.

She says she loves me — that I am her very best friend, and I am a great husband and amazing father — but she doesn't feel anything for me romantically. She married me because she knew I would be a safe bet; I treat her like a queen, and am always looking out for her and serving her and doing my best to make her happy. (Not in a "she walks all over me" sort of way, but in the way that an attentive and caring husband should.)

Some background: our sex life hasn't been the greatest in the past handful of years. We've had two children in the past 5 years, so our frequency has slowed down a bit. On top of that, I am really busy, working from 9-5 and then doing school in the evenings (9 - Midnight) at least 3-4 nights a week, if not 5 — which means that she is a 'homework widow' (as she puts it) and we don't spend as much time together as I would like during the school year.

In addition, over the last two years or so she has begun playing a game called Lords Mobile on her phone. She is on it constantly, chatting with people and making new friends. She tells me about what's going on in the game and I know about the people that she chats with, so it's not like I'm totally locked out of that part of her life — but I also wonder if there's any chatting going on there that she's not telling me about.

On top of that, I am currently at 250 lbs. When she married me, I was probably at 235-240 lbs. or so, so my physique has been relatively the same for most of our marriage. However, since school started, I have put on weight, and recently got as high as 267 lbs. I carry my weight well (as well as an obese man can - most people are surprised when I tell them how much I weigh), but yeah — I can't blame her for not being attracted to me with that in mind.

Taking it as a wake up call, I have been eating super clean (and even small portions) and going to the gym every day, and have lost about 15 lbs. in a short amount of time; however, I need to get down around 200 lbs. or so before I will start looking more attractive, I would guess. Even with that, she says she doesn't know if she'll ever be attracted to me in a romantic way.

She says that she's not wanting to divorce and she wants our family to be together — and that this is not just about sex — but this is just something she doesn't know what to do about, and can't seem to sort her feelings out.

Obviously, neither can I (or I wouldn't be here asking perfect strangers what to do or how to feel).

Do you guys think she is already looking elsewhere? Does she just need really good sex? Is me trying to lose weight in vain? Is this a mid-life crisis thing where she feels the need to "sew her oats" and make the most of her 30's? (Sidebar: during our last romp a few weeks ago, she asked me to go down on her — something she's never asked me to do, and in fact, has always told me she doesn't like...is that a sign of something? She's also purchased two new 'toys' [vibrators] for us to use together, which we have.) I know she says the issue is not all sexual, but I also know it's more about that than she is letting on.

She seems just fine and mostly happy, but I can tell things are different. I thought our marriage was happy and comfortable (we hardly ever fight and are generally happy people), but it seems I was wrong, I guess.

I don't want to separate/divorce from my best friend. I couldn't imagine us raising our kids apart or not having a relationship.

Is our marriage doomed?
What even is "romance" in a marriage?
How do you spark or keep romance alive after starting a family?
Can attraction be found after you've been with the same person for so long?
What do I do/say next?

HELP! :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,420 Posts
This may not seem helpful, but I've been there. For different reasons, and with a different kind of problem, but I've been there.

What I learned was to say to hell with it and just be a better man.

My wife can stay or go - marriage is a choice, after all - but my decision to be better had to be grounded in myself. She was tired of me, and the fact was I was tired of myself, too. So I got better. I fell, I got back again, and it's an endless cycle.

Do you want to be better? What does that mean? How will you know you're improving even if that has nothing at all to do with your wife's attraction to you?

Find that part. Find what it means to be better. Make a plan that doesn't depend on her reacting to it.

And then go do that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,456 Posts
It appears that your wife is rewriting history when she says she has never been attracted to you. People do this to justify in their own minds the fact that they have developed feelings (at least) for someone else.
Start quietly investigating your wife’s internet activity and if necessity bring in an expert to assist in this. Find out who she’s messaging the most and then you will have a starting point.
You can do everything you want to try and make your marriage work but if some player is feeding her a line then you are wasting your time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,133 Posts
Yeah, she is cheating. It may be an EA (emotional affair) with someone online. He could be lighting her fire, and has turned her on by talk of performing oral sex on her, which could have prompted her to ask out of the blue. She may have wanted to get the new vibes to help imagine being with him (a different dong so to speak).

Or, she could be seeing someone locally and having a PA (physical affair). You got the famous “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. Very often the kiss of death to most marriages.

Time to go into detective mode and it won’t take you long to find out who it is and what all she is doing. I’m sorry you are here, but we can help you navigate.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,934 Posts
It's too early to be certain, but this certainly has the indications that she's interested in someone else. It's quite common in online games for people to flirt with each other. The most likely guess is some guy in the game is flirting with her. If that's the case, there would likely be additional evidence in email, social media, phone, etc.

As for never being attracted to you, do you think that's really the case? Think back to when you first were together. Was she passionately in love with you? Or did she seem disinterested? It's common that someone in the affair fog rewrites the past to say they never loved you or whatever. Is that how you remember her acting? Not what you felt for her, but how did she feel about you early on?

You certainly should improve yourself, but that's just something you should be doing for yourself. It doesn't sound like your weight has changed all that much to make her lose attraction for you. And besides, marital love is much more than how someone looks. You could get your body to look like a hunky movie star and it might not change her love for you. It might make her *lust* for you, but lust is not love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
This may not seem helpful, but I've been there. For different reasons, and with a different kind of problem, but I've been there.

What I learned was to say to hell with it and just be a better man.

My wife can stay or go - marriage is a choice, after all - but my decision to be better had to be grounded in myself. She was tired of me, and the fact was I was tired of myself, too. So I got better. I fell, I got back again, and it's an endless cycle.

Do you want to be better? What does that mean? How will you know you're improving even if that has nothing at all to do with your wife's attraction to you?

Find that part. Find what it means to be better. Make a plan that doesn't depend on her reacting to it.

And then go do that.
This is exactly what I've decided to do. I'm with you: I can't change her feelings or her mind. If it's made up, then there's nothing I can do. All I can do is work on me and then, hell, if she decides I'm not checking the boxes, then at least I am in the best place I can be, and ready to see what's next in life's adventures.

I made that decision this weekend: I wanted to get back to the gym and eat better, but not for her — for ME, because I was starting to feel like a stranger in my own skin. I hated getting dressed in the morning, hated all my clothes, and just want to feel confident and happy again in regards to my health and looks. So far it's working well, and I can feel every pound lost (and my self confidence is rising), so that's good.

Thanks for giving sane advice instead of jumping to the conclusion that she's already cheating on me. I appreciate that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Check your phone bill if you want to know who her new boyfriend is.

Wake up to your new reality
Already did — I'm no dummy. (I work in IT for a living.) There's nothing there, text or call. What I haven't been able to look at (nor am I sure I want to) is her chats from within her game on her phone. That would require me sneaking her phone away and breaking into it...and I'm not sure I want to escalate to something like that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
653 Posts
I have no opinion on whether she is having an affair.

However, I strongly urge you to continue dieting and working out. Get your fat percentage below 10%, add a lot of muscle, and broaden your shoulders. This will help you in your marriage or, if it ends, in the dating world.

Learn how to perform cunnilingus well. I almost always give my wife at least 5 orgasms that way, and sometimes dozens. If you need techniques, you’ll find them here. I’ve posted my techniques and Starfires has posted hers. Also on how to please her with PIV sex, with G spot, A spot, O spot, etc.

Also focus on your clothing style, hair style, hygiene, etc. Wear a cologne she likes. Be the best you can be.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,934 Posts
In addition, over the last two years or so she has begun playing a game called Lords Mobile on her phone. She is on it constantly, chatting with people and making new friends. She tells me about what's going on in the game and I know about the people that she chats with, so it's not like I'm totally locked out of that part of her life — but I also wonder if there's any chatting going on there that she's not telling me about.
Even if she's not having an affair, her time on the game is causing issues in the marriage. She's creating a life outside of your family. This much time in the game is inappropriate for a spouse and parent of 2 young kids. Most parents of young kids barely have any free time as it is. If she's on the game constantly, at a minimum she's slacking off with her family.

I'm sure this is hard to hear, but you need to tackle this problem head on. You should view this situation like she's wanting to try heroin. If you take a soft approach and don't rock the boat, pretty soon you'll have an addict and all the problems and damage that brings. You need to take control of this situation for the good of your family. You are going to get rolled over otherwise. You need to be the dad your kids need and save your family. Tell her to cut off the game immediately. There's nothing in the game that should be more important than your family. If she doesn't give up the game, that will show you how serious the problem is.

Even if getting a chiselled body fixes everything, that's months away at a minimum. You need to take control of this now. Months from now she won't care what you look like because she'll be off in lala land with her gaming friends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
It's too early to be certain, but this certainly has the indications that she's interested in someone else. It's quite common in online games for people to flirt with each other. The most likely guess is some guy in the game is flirting with her. If that's the case, there would likely be additional evidence in email, social media, phone, etc.

As for never being attracted to you, do you think that's really the case? Think back to when you first were together. Was she passionately in love with you? Or did she seem disinterested? It's common that someone in the affair fog rewrites the past to say they never loved you or whatever. Is that how you remember her acting? Not what you felt for her, but how did she feel about you early on?

You certainly should improve yourself, but that's just something you should be doing for yourself. It doesn't sound like your weight has changed all that much to make her lose attraction for you. And besides, marital love is much more than how someone looks. You could get your body to look like a hunky movie star and it might not change her love for you. It might make her *lust* for you, but lust is not love.
Another reply that makes a lot of sense. It's weird: it's like, if you weren't attracted to me, why did you stay married to me for 12 years? Why did we have two kids together? (You don't have kids together with someone you're not attracted to, right?)

She acknowledges that the love is still there. When we were talking this weekend and I froze her out for a bit while I was processing, she was crying a lot; said she doesn't want to lose her best friend or ruin her marriage, but wanted to be honest with me about what she was feeling. Don't know what to make of that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
653 Posts
I had a friend who was living with his girlfriend in Michigan. The two of them played a lot of an online PC game, maybe World of Warcraft or Ultima Online.

Anyway, his gf met a married guy with three kids online who was from the Seattle area. She suddenly moved out to the coast to be with the cheating husband. My friend talked with the BW and she agreed to move herself and kids in with him, and she did. He said he felt he got the better end of the deal.

Happy ending!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Your wife seems to be quite critical. What exactly does SHE look like? @soincrediblylost
She is a beautiful woman, but she is in the same boat: we've both stress eaten junk for the last few years while I've been in school, so she has gained weight as well. (Having two kids and eating fast food several nights a week will do it to ya.)

We both work out and are working to lose weight. My motivation is to look better and feel better (and, yes, hopefully be more attractive to her); she claims her motivation is the same, but who knows.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,421 Posts
Already did — I'm no dummy. (I work in IT for a living.) There's nothing there, text or call. What I haven't been able to look at (nor am I sure I want to) is her chats from within her game on her phone. That would require me sneaking her phone away and breaking into it...and I'm not sure I want to escalate to something like that.
Well hmmm. Typically when they come out with this crap there's another guy in the mix. Happens most of the time.

If you don't know what the problem is you sure can't fix it can you?

You have a major problem so I wouldn't be too concerned at respecting her privacy to cheat but that's just me.

If she's never been attracted to you then your marriage is toast anyway so tell me what you have to lose? This is BS and very similar to cheater script.

Hint: playing the pick me dance or trying to nice her back always fail. It just make you look weak and lowers your status which is even more unnattractive.

Hope you wake up. You need to.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
6,788 Posts
Why did she marry you when she says she was never attracted to you? She likely thought the two of you would be a good fit and you would be a good father and a good provider. In other words, she loves you but she's not in love with you. She's not the first woman to marry someone under those circumstances, unfortunately. They usually don't admit it though. That's why I think some gamer is paying attention to her and she likes it. Can she fall in love with you and finally be attracted to you? Possibly but don't count on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,133 Posts
Does she guard her phone? Does she freely let you use it anytime you want? Does she take it everywhere with her, even the bathroom? Sleeping with it, perhaps even under her pillow?

You say she is on it a lot more than before...are you sure she is actually playing the game, or could she just be chatting with a guy most of that time? (Do you see her screen and it is actively in the middle of a game?)

If you want a chance of saving your marriage, worrying about her privacy needs to end now. Get into those chats.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,883 Posts
Already did — I'm no dummy. (I work in IT for a living.) There's nothing there, text or call. What I haven't been able to look at (nor am I sure I want to) is her chats from within her game on her phone. That would require me sneaking her phone away and breaking into it...and I'm not sure I want to escalate to something like that.
Your wife of a dozen years and mother of your 2 kids is spending all her time glued to the phone, gives you the ILYBIANILWY speech- rewriting the marital history and you are worried about 'escalating'.

We have read thousands of stories just like this. Same story. By the time you read them all it will be too late.

So you better wake up and listen. Start with sneaking that phone away and installing a key logger and see just exactly what she is up to in that gamer community -- and more.
 
1 - 20 of 145 Posts
Top