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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Here it goes. I've been married for just over 20 years. We have three kids, two in college one still in HS. I thought we had a good marriage, usual ups and downs but overall very good. Kids were/are very happy well adjusted. Money is def. not an issue for us. No debt or financial problems. We did have a lot go on this year. Finished building new house in spring, sold old house (pretty stressful), middle child graduated HS and left for college, etc...So basically the WS just comes home from work one day packs her bags and says "I'm leaving!". We were all like what the heck are you talking about??? She said she was not in love with me anymore and had been planning it for a year!! Even the kids were in shock. She left and didn't care that she left her kids!! The kids won't even talk to her they are very angry. So I've been following the forums and they are very helpful. About three weeks into it I did confirm that she was havin an affair with some random guy she met at a bar!!! we don't even drink or keep booze in the house. As soon as I found out I filed for D. I packed the rest of her clothes (in trash bags) and told her to pick them up. Here we are 2 months out and I don't even know who this lady is. i def. won't reconcile after PA, just want to know what to expect next?? She doesn't even realize or care about the pain she has caused everybody. WHO IS THIS LADY???
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It is very strange. This is not typical behavior for her. Very typical PTA mom. and def. conservative in her dress and behaviors. She always had issues with confidence, low self esteem and depression. But to just pack up walk away leave your kids, dog, house, money, etc....Just crazy. And she blames us!!! Why don't we just understand, divorces happen everyday she says, get over it. NO one and I mean NO one expected this. Everyone we know is SHOCKED! We def. don't frequent bars. And to go out with the girls, pick up some random guy and have sex 2 or 3 times??? What the heck is that all about? She seems to feel no remorse. I am very lucky to have a very supportive extended family and lots of friends. I can't imagine whats on her radar next? Jail? prostitution? who knows
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
She blames you for how her life turned out.

It's likely she's been miserable for a long long time - and has been detaching emotionally from you during that interval.

The fact that it "happens all the time" is no excuse.

Of course she should have taken care of her marriage and one day she'll likely understand that.

However, the people here are great at helping you take care of you.

If you read the links to the victim triangle, you'll find your wife there. She feels victimized by you and - to a lesser extent - your children.

She now feels "alive" and "young" again in the arms of posOM.

Make sure you live your life and do not spend an inordinate amount of focus on her. Are you in counseling?
You are absolutely right! She is a very unhappy person and has been since the day I met her over 20 years ago. I always thought I could fix that or make things better. Not sure if that is codependence? But picking up the Codependence No More book by melanie Beattie tonight at the library. You are also correct that "This is not how I envisioned my life". I almost fell over when she said that to the one meeting we had with the counselor. She refused to go back. Not sure what she expected, financially well off, great kids, beautiful home with no mortgage, vacations all over the world couple times a year..... The forum has been incredibly helpful (I have read a lot of you posts Conrad). Without it I would probably still be trying to figure out what to do. It is amazing how she literally follows the script on here. I just did everything I was reading on here to find out about the cheating, then filed for D, and now it can't happen fast enough!! I can't show my kids that allowing this behavior is in any way acceptable. I figure let the new guy deal with all her BS and issues, not my turn anymore. How far do you think she will go until she hits bottom? When might she wake up and want to R? That ain't gonna happen!!::rofl:
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Gotta love the "people divorce everyday" line.

My stbxw loved to drop that one on me when I was still trying to reach her.

It's them trying to convince themselves that walking away without lifting a finger to repair is perfectly ok.
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:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: any excuse to NOT take responsibility for their actions. Because if everybody does it, it's ok if I do to!! Garbage...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It's different for everyone.

I've seen some women so stubborn that they can point out the delusions of everyone "else" in the world, except guess who;)

It usually depends on their childhood experience.

What was hers like?
She is def. VERY stubborn, to a fault. To answer your earlier question Conrad, I am not in counseling. I should prob. start. Although I feel pretty good.:)

I should also mention that her mother did the EXACT same thing to her father!! After about 29 years of marriage the stbxmil walked in one day after work packed her stuff and left a note for my stbxfil.
Turns out she was having an affair with her boss that lasted about 2 months. He was a wreck for about 6 months then found another woman and has been happily married for 16 years. She dated one other guy for about a year and has been a lonely old biddy ever since.:rofl: Could this be a genetic defect???

As far as her childhood, I really only know that her father was def an alcoholic. Her mother is not a very "deep" person at all. You can have basic general topic discussions (like the weather) with her but nothing too involved. I always wondered about abuse??? But she never said anything. She has real serious issues with being detached. She is very willing to let people go. As long as I have known her she never really had any friends, not close to family, not even really close to our kids at all. She feels it is too much effort to build strong relationships with people. Those have always been her words.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Tough night tonight. Although the marriage is def. over ( I cannot forgive an affair) I learned through a little recon that the stbxw was at a local bar. So My oldest son (college age) and I decided to take a ride by. Now you should know that as recent as a few days ago she was on the floor crying and carrying on saying the affair is over and that she ended it over a week ago. Well what did we see when we drove by.......she was in the parking lot kissing him (om) goodbye for the night!!!!!!

She did not see us but we saw her. I was in shock!! All that drama a few days ago that it was ended, and she looked happy as pie kissing him. It is amazing lie, lie, lie, lie, lie......She lies to me and our kids over and over. Makes me wonder how long she has been lying and about what.

She could be at counseling, reading some self help books, volunteering somewhere to help feel better. But no, hanging at the bar makes her feel good apparently. Our kids are in shock and can't believe she is choosing this brand new lifestyle over them??

So for anyone who ever says their wife would NEVER do this, THINK AGAIN....This lady is NOT somone that you would ever expect to be engaging in this type of behavior. :scratchhead:

So maybe some vets could help me out. What can I expect next?? Me and the kids are very confused:scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Even though the marriage is over, I am dying to confront her and the OM at the bar or restaurant or whatever. Any thoughts?? Good idea or really bad idea?? No violence just confront for peronal satisfaction.:scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
You need to get into counseling right away.

Here's why.

Reading this board will show you that your wife is far from alone. Lousy parents are everywhere and they leave a trail of tears and broken children in their wake.

Likely the lack of attention from her alcoholic father planted the "emotional need" for excessive validation/attention from males.

She's like a little child acting out on that - with no regard for you.

But, that's not the issue here.

WHY are you with someone like this in the first place?

You need to go deep in yourself and see why you were willing to accept crumbs of love and that type of treatment. Was this a rescue situation? Why do you need to rescue people to earn love?

These are important questions that will prevent this type of crap in your future.

You owe it to yourself to find out.
Think you nailed it right on the head with her father. She still looks for his validation until this day. She is in her early 40's and a professional!
Why did I accept crumbs. We started dating at 18 yrs old. Dated through college (we both dated other people as well) and I knew then that she had issues and being young and dumb accepted them. However, I was going to break it off to totally toward the end of college but you can guess what happened. She's pregnant!!!! So I did what I thought was right. Here we are 20 years later.
I think counseling is in order. Thank you Conrad.

How far into this fantasy world do you think she will go? The lies are unbelieveable even in the face of clear evidence that I know the truth she still holds frim to her lies. It's crazy?? She could also care less if she see's her kids, she might text every couple days asking about them. What mother does that?? She seems very content going to work and then to the bar!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
She's emotionally broken and likely has the emotional intelligence of a five year old.

Do five year olds make good decisions?

See her for what she is.
Never really thought about it that way, but you are right. She has ALWAYS been emotionally shut off. From everyone including our kids. I guess It's just hard for me to look at her and think that she operates like a 5 yr old emotionally at her age. But when I think about it she really does.

I really don't know why I accept it?? I tried to do the right things in this process from TAM:

1. She left
2. fumbled like a baby first week and found TAM
3. week later did 180 (not perfect but pretty good)
4. packed her crap and had her come pick it up
5. confirmed affair, filed for divorce (made her pay for it!)
6. exposed her affair to friends and family (not much success since her family is difunctional and she really doesn't have any friends, other than the new ones from the bars!)
7. Cut off contact with kids cause she is just lying and creating drama

I will add that NONE of this seems to affect her at all. It is amazing but none of it seems to matter to her.

What am I forgetting to do? Is there anything else I should be doing at this point??:scratchhead:

The support here is great. Thanks again:smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 ·
didntcitcoming - I have been reading your thread and I am wondering if I am reading about what my future will bring.

We have many similarities in our lives. I have been married 24 years. My middle child just graduated from high school. My wife sounds similar to yours in regards to low self esteem. My wife's father was an alcoholic. One difference is that your wife is a professional while my wife is a SAHM. But my wife is a professional SAHM as she is very good at it. Another difference is that my wife's mother stayed with her father until he died, even though I know she wanted to leave.

After reading your story, I could see my wife just walking away some day. It might have already happened if she had her own career and ability to earn a living.

A couple of questions:

1) How affectionate was your wife? Giving hugs, touching, saying 'I Love You'
2) How sexual was your wife with you?
3) How did she treat your kids?

I am curious if the answers to these questions are also similar to what I would respond.

I can't imagine what you are going through. Sounds like you have a great relationship with your kids. Stay close to them. Wish you the best.
She was a stay at home mom when the kids were little ( no daycare) then when the youngest went to school she went back to work. The ability to earn her own living gave her an easy ticket out.

I can honestly say this. There was very, very little affection!! No pda's, rare hugs, no holding hands (she hated it), very rare I love you.....I tried to be affectionate but she would always say that she is just not built that way. Remember we were 18 when we started dating so I didnt think anything of it. Other than I knew she had issues!

As far as the kids, I was always the emotional support. We get along great and talk about problems and have an open honest relationship. Like everyone we argue sometimes, but we make amends and let it go. That was another downfall for the stbxw, she NEVER EVER let anything go. And never discussed problems, she just held on to them.

Sex was great sometimes and very average others. I did notice that this past summer I could not get her to "O" a few times! Which was very rare for us. She said it was because she already detached.

How hope this is not your future. But all of my friends remind me that since I have the kids, I already WON!!:smthumbup:

is your wife talking about seperation? what brings you here?
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Tell you what, had you done that you and your son would have scared the living sh!t out of her. She would have been horrified, embarrassed and guilty all at once.

It would have been the low point of her existence to be caught by both her son and husband.

That chance is gone. Think she'll do it again?
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Do I think she will do it again?? YEP, as sure as the day is long. She is out 3-4 nights a week. With god knows who. She moved in with her mother on d-day. I will prob take your advice!:rofl:
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
Even though the marriage is over lets say these tactics are for the kids sake;

Since money is no problem then hire a PI and find out who this guy is and go nuclear with exposure.

Especially her dad since she contiues to want validation from him this expose might bring her out of the fog to at least remind her she still has kids.

Thats the thing here(I believe) getting her to remember her kids. So, making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable might get her to think twice and start paying more attension to her kids instead of her OM/s.

I guess what I'm saying is get her to hit rock bottom sooner then latter, give her the consequences like exposure. Hopefully when OM is out of the picture she will start to have a relationship with the kids.

Hell pull the light bulb out of her tail light and maybe she gets a DUI....another tactic to getting her to rock bottom.

Some may see this as vindictive, but the end game here is getting her to hit rock bottom, and out of the fog for her kids sake.


Hell maybe you and your oldest (if he is drinking age) can go hang out at the bar and really cramp her style.



Sure she is no longer your problem, it just pisses me off to hear about a women bailing on her kids. That in its self would give me the drive to make her life a living hell. Sorry not a very healthy way to move on but like I said I'm pissed and not thinking right.
All excellent ideas. I thought about the PI but then thought for what? It's over anyway, I dont want to rescue her, he can have her! My oldest is a girl and she desperatly wants to confront her while she is out with OM. I'm not sure though.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 ·
Thought I would post an update. Kids have chosen to stay with NC for almost two weeks now. They are very pissed at her and cannot understand why she would just show up, pack her bags and leave. They seem to be doing very good emotionally though.:) We talk about it every day and share our thoughts and help support eachother. I would say overall we are doing just fine. It is hard to believe that she had that little impact on them over the years! She was pretty emotionally detached.

I decided not to hire a PI and get any details of the other guy or affair. Just don't really care anymore. It won't change anything and I think details will just make me miserable (TAM forums convinced me of that.:)

We don't talk to each other for anything other then the details of the divorce, paperwork, settlement, etc..... Most of the paperwork is signed and I made out VERY well. She just wants out!! It is amazing to me. You would think that there was all kinds of abuse going on thats how bad she wants out. I can only guess that the fog is so thick that she thinks she REALLY loves the OM. Too funny. Wait until she comes out of the fog and does the math!!!!:rofl::rofl::rofl:

In fact, she thinks that she won't even have to pay child support for our youngest. The attorney said not to shake the apple cart yet. Wait until everything is final and the next day...FILE for support!!!:rofl: This chick is in lala land.

So how long until the fog clears?? Is this standard fog behavior?? Want to be prepared with a bucket of popcorn and my favorite chair:D:D
 

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
Just curious. Does the WW ever accept responsibility her actions? She seems so entitled. She can just show up one day, pack her sh!t and leave after over 20 years. Do it right in front of the kids and does not seem to care or show remorse because in her head she is unhappy and deserves better with a new man (the affair). Even until this day she does not feel like she did anything wrong.:confused: It all seems so selfish, self centered and very immature. It is literally like they are a different person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 ·
Didntc,
Any updates?
Also, if it makes sense, please delete this part of your comment in case this thread gets accessed by someone close to your STBX. Has happened before.

Thanks for the advice....But we agreed to child support payments!! After the financial settlement paperwork was signed we talked about it and she agreed to pay support. It's not that I need the money, it's the principal that you can't just walk away from your kids and not have to support them financially.:smthumbup:

As far as updates.....

**she still lives a secret life. She doesn't tell anyone anything. And who cares at this point!!!
**Kids don't talk to her for the most part. Remember the oldest two are 18+ and can do whatever they choose. Sometimes she will call and leave msg, but kids have no interest in answering phone when she calls. She also texts them sometimes (1 or 2x a week), but they say they don't respond....totally upto them.
**I have had to try to force her to come pick her stuff up (which she hasen't done yet). She doesn't even seem to want that!!!:scratchhead: I mean family herilooms from her grandmother, things like that. So I guess she just sits in her new apartment on her iphone rocking back and forth in the corner, cause all the furniture and extra furnishings are here......:scratchhead::scratchhead: This one I can't figure out. She only left with one suitcase of clothes and then the clothes I put in trash bags and had her pick up...So i'm still confused by this.

If any of the senior members have any knowledge as to why they leave everything behind I would love to hear it.

So far that's it....Just a couple more months and it should be finalized.:smthumbup::smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 ·
shaking my head here...

this is nuts. Im so sorry this is happened to you to..similar story this end..except mine is in an unconfirmed 'something' with my brothers wife...

its deny deny deny so far..

but it makes you wonder how are we supposed to learn to trust again? scary stuff...

concentrate on the beauty of your kids around you. Lots of hugs I think.

It's a big fog , this fog.
Thank you. I will keep you in my thoughts because I know exactly how you feel!! Does your brother know whats going on?

The fog is def. a VERY VERY thick FOG!!:rolleyes:
 

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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
Did you ever expose the affair to posOMW?
I did not......thought about it but figured that I would need to do a lot of work in terms of figuring out who he is, where he lives, marital situation, etc......

Honestly Conrad, she's not worth it to me!!! Any woman that would do what she did to me and her kids......isn't worth fighting for!!:rolleyes:

I do have a question for you though. How long until the fog clears? And what is the typical behavior when it clears? Thanks, I love reading your posts here and on other threads.:smthumbup:

This website and the senior members are great. I would have been totally lost without you guys and your advice to me and others!! Thanks again.:smthumbup:
 
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