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Discussion Starter #1
Here it goes. I've been married for just over 20 years. We have three kids, two in college one still in HS. I thought we had a good marriage, usual ups and downs but overall very good. Kids were/are very happy well adjusted. Money is def. not an issue for us. No debt or financial problems. We did have a lot go on this year. Finished building new house in spring, sold old house (pretty stressful), middle child graduated HS and left for college, etc...So basically the WS just comes home from work one day packs her bags and says "I'm leaving!". We were all like what the heck are you talking about??? She said she was not in love with me anymore and had been planning it for a year!! Even the kids were in shock. She left and didn't care that she left her kids!! The kids won't even talk to her they are very angry. So I've been following the forums and they are very helpful. About three weeks into it I did confirm that she was havin an affair with some random guy she met at a bar!!! we don't even drink or keep booze in the house. As soon as I found out I filed for D. I packed the rest of her clothes (in trash bags) and told her to pick them up. Here we are 2 months out and I don't even know who this lady is. i def. won't reconcile after PA, just want to know what to expect next?? She doesn't even realize or care about the pain she has caused everybody. WHO IS THIS LADY???
 

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I am sorry your going through this. It is pretty hard for me to comprehend how someone could do that. I really don't think anyone can predict what will come next in a situation like this. If she really has no feelings toward the situation she could do anything drastic.
 

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It is very strange. This is not typical behavior for her. Very typical PTA mom. and def. conservative in her dress and behaviors. She always had issues with confidence, low self esteem and depression. But to just pack up walk away leave your kids, dog, house, money, etc....Just crazy. And she blames us!!! Why don't we just understand, divorces happen everyday she says, get over it. NO one and I mean NO one expected this. Everyone we know is SHOCKED! We def. don't frequent bars. And to go out with the girls, pick up some random guy and have sex 2 or 3 times??? What the heck is that all about? She seems to feel no remorse. I am very lucky to have a very supportive extended family and lots of friends. I can't imagine whats on her radar next? Jail? prostitution? who knows
 

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She blames you for how her life turned out.

It's likely she's been miserable for a long long time - and has been detaching emotionally from you during that interval.

The fact that it "happens all the time" is no excuse.

Of course she should have taken care of her marriage and one day she'll likely understand that.

However, the people here are great at helping you take care of you.

If you read the links to the victim triangle, you'll find your wife there. She feels victimized by you and - to a lesser extent - your children.

She now feels "alive" and "young" again in the arms of posOM.

Make sure you live your life and do not spend an inordinate amount of focus on her. Are you in counseling?



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Gotta love the "people divorce everyday" line.

My stbxw loved to drop that one on me when I was still trying to reach her.

It's them trying to convince themselves that walking away without lifting a finger to repair is perfectly ok.
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She blames you for how her life turned out.

It's likely she's been miserable for a long long time - and has been detaching emotionally from you during that interval.

The fact that it "happens all the time" is no excuse.

Of course she should have taken care of her marriage and one day she'll likely understand that.

However, the people here are great at helping you take care of you.

If you read the links to the victim triangle, you'll find your wife there. She feels victimized by you and - to a lesser extent - your children.

She now feels "alive" and "young" again in the arms of posOM.

Make sure you live your life and do not spend an inordinate amount of focus on her. Are you in counseling?
You are absolutely right! She is a very unhappy person and has been since the day I met her over 20 years ago. I always thought I could fix that or make things better. Not sure if that is codependence? But picking up the Codependence No More book by melanie Beattie tonight at the library. You are also correct that "This is not how I envisioned my life". I almost fell over when she said that to the one meeting we had with the counselor. She refused to go back. Not sure what she expected, financially well off, great kids, beautiful home with no mortgage, vacations all over the world couple times a year..... The forum has been incredibly helpful (I have read a lot of you posts Conrad). Without it I would probably still be trying to figure out what to do. It is amazing how she literally follows the script on here. I just did everything I was reading on here to find out about the cheating, then filed for D, and now it can't happen fast enough!! I can't show my kids that allowing this behavior is in any way acceptable. I figure let the new guy deal with all her BS and issues, not my turn anymore. How far do you think she will go until she hits bottom? When might she wake up and want to R? That ain't gonna happen!!::rofl:
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Gotta love the "people divorce everyday" line.

My stbxw loved to drop that one on me when I was still trying to reach her.

It's them trying to convince themselves that walking away without lifting a finger to repair is perfectly ok.
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:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: any excuse to NOT take responsibility for their actions. Because if everybody does it, it's ok if I do to!! Garbage...
 

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You are absolutely right! She is a very unhappy person and has been since the day I met her over 20 years ago. I always thought I could fix that or make things better. Not sure if that is codependence? But picking up the Codependence No More book by melanie Beattie tonight at the library. You are also correct that "This is not how I envisioned my life". I almost fell over when she said that to the one meeting we had with the counselor. She refused to go back. Not sure what she expected, financially well off, great kids, beautiful home with no mortgage, vacations all over the world couple times a year..... The forum has been incredibly helpful (I have read a lot of you posts Conrad). Without it I would probably still be trying to figure out what to do. It is amazing how she literally follows the script on here. I just did everything I was reading on here to find out about the cheating, then filed for D, and now it can't happen fast enough!! I can't show my kids that allowing this behavior is in any way acceptable. I figure let the new guy deal with all her BS and issues, not my turn anymore. How far do you think she will go until she hits bottom? When might she wake up and want to R? That ain't gonna happen!!::rofl:
It's different for everyone.

I've seen some women so stubborn that they can point out the delusions of everyone "else" in the world, except guess who;)

It usually depends on their childhood experience.

What was hers like?



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Discussion Starter #9
It's different for everyone.

I've seen some women so stubborn that they can point out the delusions of everyone "else" in the world, except guess who;)

It usually depends on their childhood experience.

What was hers like?
She is def. VERY stubborn, to a fault. To answer your earlier question Conrad, I am not in counseling. I should prob. start. Although I feel pretty good.:)

I should also mention that her mother did the EXACT same thing to her father!! After about 29 years of marriage the stbxmil walked in one day after work packed her stuff and left a note for my stbxfil.
Turns out she was having an affair with her boss that lasted about 2 months. He was a wreck for about 6 months then found another woman and has been happily married for 16 years. She dated one other guy for about a year and has been a lonely old biddy ever since.:rofl: Could this be a genetic defect???

As far as her childhood, I really only know that her father was def an alcoholic. Her mother is not a very "deep" person at all. You can have basic general topic discussions (like the weather) with her but nothing too involved. I always wondered about abuse??? But she never said anything. She has real serious issues with being detached. She is very willing to let people go. As long as I have known her she never really had any friends, not close to family, not even really close to our kids at all. She feels it is too much effort to build strong relationships with people. Those have always been her words.
 

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Children of alcoholic parents are often emotionally broken.

They are very very angry inside. The people that "should have" cared for them didn't.

Can you imagine what this does to the ability to trust?

And, what often happens (unfortunately) is that this latent anger gets taken out on the partner in their life. You likely have been the stand-in for her pent-up anger at those that failed her.



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Tough night tonight. Although the marriage is def. over ( I cannot forgive an affair) I learned through a little recon that the stbxw was at a local bar. So My oldest son (college age) and I decided to take a ride by. Now you should know that as recent as a few days ago she was on the floor crying and carrying on saying the affair is over and that she ended it over a week ago. Well what did we see when we drove by.......she was in the parking lot kissing him (om) goodbye for the night!!!!!!

She did not see us but we saw her. I was in shock!! All that drama a few days ago that it was ended, and she looked happy as pie kissing him. It is amazing lie, lie, lie, lie, lie......She lies to me and our kids over and over. Makes me wonder how long she has been lying and about what.

She could be at counseling, reading some self help books, volunteering somewhere to help feel better. But no, hanging at the bar makes her feel good apparently. Our kids are in shock and can't believe she is choosing this brand new lifestyle over them??

So for anyone who ever says their wife would NEVER do this, THINK AGAIN....This lady is NOT somone that you would ever expect to be engaging in this type of behavior. :scratchhead:

So maybe some vets could help me out. What can I expect next?? Me and the kids are very confused:scratchhead:
 

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Even though the marriage is over, I am dying to confront her and the OM at the bar or restaurant or whatever. Any thoughts?? Good idea or really bad idea?? No violence just confront for peronal satisfaction.:scratchhead:
 

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Just drop all contact with her. Rip that bandaid off. It was good that your adult son was able to see this for himself. Looks like you've got a partner for life who will be on your side from now on. Don't confront her or the other guy but see if you can get some pictures. If you can get some proof about her affair, then depending on your state laws you might be able to at-fault divorce her ass.

I was in the Navy as well and I always heard the stories and felt so bad for the guys who came home from deployment to find their wives gone and their house empty. I told myself I will never be that man. I left the service, I fought off marriage for years, dating and dumping along the way. Then I finally I met the one! The one lady who I trusted and respected and who I believed would be my partner, confidante and soulmate for life. Well 18 months later it's over and she's gone. And I'm going home to an empty house, just like I always feared. I don't know for sure if she has another man, all signs point to yes. Honestly I don't really want to know.

You probably have it worse than I do since you saw her with another man with your own eyes. That has to be devastating. I would say use this time to get closer to your son who has also unfortunately seen his mother kissing another man. Look into at-fault laws and maybe if you play your cards right, she will come away from this with nothing.

"You have controlled your fear, now release your anger!"
- Darth Vader
 

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Why didn't you get out of the truck, calmly walk over and aske her to come home and pack the rest of her stuff up and get out?
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You need to get into counseling right away.

Here's why.

Reading this board will show you that your wife is far from alone. Lousy parents are everywhere and they leave a trail of tears and broken children in their wake.

Likely the lack of attention from her alcoholic father planted the "emotional need" for excessive validation/attention from males.

She's like a little child acting out on that - with no regard for you.

But, that's not the issue here.

WHY are you with someone like this in the first place?

You need to go deep in yourself and see why you were willing to accept crumbs of love and that type of treatment. Was this a rescue situation? Why do you need to rescue people to earn love?

These are important questions that will prevent this type of crap in your future.

You owe it to yourself to find out.



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Discussion Starter #17
You need to get into counseling right away.

Here's why.

Reading this board will show you that your wife is far from alone. Lousy parents are everywhere and they leave a trail of tears and broken children in their wake.

Likely the lack of attention from her alcoholic father planted the "emotional need" for excessive validation/attention from males.

She's like a little child acting out on that - with no regard for you.

But, that's not the issue here.

WHY are you with someone like this in the first place?

You need to go deep in yourself and see why you were willing to accept crumbs of love and that type of treatment. Was this a rescue situation? Why do you need to rescue people to earn love?

These are important questions that will prevent this type of crap in your future.

You owe it to yourself to find out.
Think you nailed it right on the head with her father. She still looks for his validation until this day. She is in her early 40's and a professional!
Why did I accept crumbs. We started dating at 18 yrs old. Dated through college (we both dated other people as well) and I knew then that she had issues and being young and dumb accepted them. However, I was going to break it off to totally toward the end of college but you can guess what happened. She's pregnant!!!! So I did what I thought was right. Here we are 20 years later.
I think counseling is in order. Thank you Conrad.

How far into this fantasy world do you think she will go? The lies are unbelieveable even in the face of clear evidence that I know the truth she still holds frim to her lies. It's crazy?? She could also care less if she see's her kids, she might text every couple days asking about them. What mother does that?? She seems very content going to work and then to the bar!!
 

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Discussion Starter #19
She's emotionally broken and likely has the emotional intelligence of a five year old.

Do five year olds make good decisions?

See her for what she is.
Never really thought about it that way, but you are right. She has ALWAYS been emotionally shut off. From everyone including our kids. I guess It's just hard for me to look at her and think that she operates like a 5 yr old emotionally at her age. But when I think about it she really does.

I really don't know why I accept it?? I tried to do the right things in this process from TAM:

1. She left
2. fumbled like a baby first week and found TAM
3. week later did 180 (not perfect but pretty good)
4. packed her crap and had her come pick it up
5. confirmed affair, filed for divorce (made her pay for it!)
6. exposed her affair to friends and family (not much success since her family is difunctional and she really doesn't have any friends, other than the new ones from the bars!)
7. Cut off contact with kids cause she is just lying and creating drama

I will add that NONE of this seems to affect her at all. It is amazing but none of it seems to matter to her.

What am I forgetting to do? Is there anything else I should be doing at this point??:scratchhead:

The support here is great. Thanks again:smthumbup:
 
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