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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years, when we got together we were both coming out of previous marriages. I did a lot of things that damaged our relationship quite a bit, with regards to appeasing my controlling ex.

Back in January my girlfriend got pregnant and things in our relationship got rougher because of the things I had done and her emotions sky rocketed in which she was dealing with major depression and crying every day all day long (for 9 months) One of the reasons is she has felt that I hurt her because not only was I not in love with her, but still in love with my Ex.

I will not deny I did things that I shouldn't have. I, at the time didn't want anymore kids (I already had 2) so I asked her to have an abortion, among some of my reasons I told her my ex would be pissed. Her mother died, and instead of being with her I told her I couldn't due to work, but I ended up going to visit my kids. My Ex had told me that her house is her territory and when I'm there I can't talk to my g/f. So I told my g/f my phone died and that I forgot the charger so I didn't talk to her the entire weekend.

My ex said she wanted to come down and go to an amusement park so I made my g/f go to a hotel and let my ex and kids stay in our apartment, I stayed with them and didn't talk to her while they were here. I also made her pay for it. My G/F has been wanting to leave for a while, but with the pregnancy it was a lot more difficult. I didn't want her to go.

I've since made a lot of changes, she really can't forgive me though. But I'm trying very hard to get her to... And I just don't know how to make it up to her.

One of the troubles we were having is that I wouldn't commit more in the terms of marriage. She didn't want to stay with me if I wasn't planning on spending the rest of my life with her. And when she got pregnant that thought escalated.

She started to have complications with the pregnancy cause her stress levels were so high, she constantly thought about me and my ex and all the things I did. She started seeing a therapist and that doctor came to the conclusion that my lack of commitment was a huge part of the reason. And in July she told me she was going to leave me soon after the baby was born.

As I mentioned her mother had passed away last year, and for her birthday she got my g/f an emerald ring (her birthstone). Well on Christmas she had taken it off to cook dinner, sat it on the counter. I decided to help her clean up and it some how ended up in the garbage disposal. She was really sad, so in January we went to a jewelery store to see about getting it repaired. While one jeweler was looking at it another jeweler talked my g/f into looking at engagement rings. And she picked out one she really liked a lot... and I was sitting right there, it sure was pretty.

Well a week before the baby was born I decided to buy her a ring and ask her, I couldn't remember what ring she wanted, so I asked the jeweler which ring she liked and might have shown my g/f. And picked one out.

Timing didn't seem to be right to ask her though, all I knew was I wanted to ask her before the baby was born. the baby was late due (sept 16) but scheduled to enduce labor on the 27th. On the 25th I asked her and gave her the ring, she got mad, told me she didn't want to marry me, told me I should have asked her sooner. Said things like 'you let me go through 9 months of being insecure about us.' Then yelled at me said I wasted money. And said its goddy, said if I was going to buy her a ring i should have gotten something she wanted, after all 'I got to wear it for the rest of my life'. And too, it was too small, cause she gained weight.

I did spend a lot on the ring (traditional 3 month salary) and I don't know why she's so offended that I spent that money on her. I know she's disappointed that its not the one she liked, and probably too that she can't wear it. And I guess it symbolizes all the things I didn't do for her but did do for my ex.

I was just having a casual relationship with my ex I actually wanted to break up with her for a while. I was getting stationed somewhere else and thought I'd just let things break off on their own. She stopped taking the birth-control pill (without me knowing), told me antibiotics nullified the pill. 2 weeks after I left she said she was pregnant and so I decided to marry her.

I just don't know what to do.
 

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I dont know about everybody else...but I can give you my opinion. An ex is an ex for a reason...either one or the other or both has decided that they do not want to be with the other. When there are children involved it IS inportant to keep a cordial relationship with the ex for the comfort of the children. However, I think where you went wrong is you seemed to believe that your ex meant more to you than your pregnant girlfriend. She had every right to be depressed and insecure about that fact. TELLING her to go to a hotel so your ex can stay with you...that probably was not the best decision...however, it is the decision that you made and as the old phrase goes..."you made your bed now lay in it". The best thing you can do right now(I feel) is to spend some time repairing the relationship you have without trying to move forward. Asking her to marry you after the things that you did probably confused her. She is emotional anyway with the pregnancy. Feeling insecure about your baby's father WHILE you are pregnant is depressing. She must have felst abandoned and alone...not to mention jealous of your ex. As I said in the beginning...these are my feelings on the matter...take it as you will but I would really suggest just putting your ex behind you(except for matters of the kids) and focus on the family that you are creating with your girlfriend. Once you have fixed the problems and she has become a little more secure with you THEN ask her to marry you, she may invite the question a little better. Good Luck to u I hope you work things out. :eek:
 

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An ex is an ex for a reason...

When there are children involved it IS inportant to keep a cordial relationship with the ex for the comfort of the children.
However, I think where you went wrong is you seemed to believe that your ex meant more to you than your pregnant girlfriend.
I Agree......
and as a woman...... I too would have said NO - after going thru this with YOU.
 

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It's not the ring that's the problem, its the relationship. This is just where she can safely vent her anger. Some of the things you have to fix are some honesty, trust and priority issues. It's not just how you treated her. It's how you will treat her in the future that she's probably concerned about.

You still have children with your ex and this is someone that you've consistently put more importance on over your girlfriend. I can't imagine feeling stable in that situation. You have to reassure her that you will place her as a priority in your life and that you will be HONEST about what you are doing and why in the future. You've already broken trust. I think there are some areas on this board that deal with that.

I was just having a casual relationship with my ex I actually wanted to break up with her for a while. I was getting stationed somewhere else and thought I'd just let things break off on their own. She stopped taking the birth-control pill (without me knowing), told me antibiotics nullified the pill. 2 weeks after I left she said she was pregnant and so I decided to marry her.
Please do not talk about your ex like this in front of your girlfriend. This is someone you were married to and had multiple children with. Unless this "oops" resulted in twins, you continued to have a sexual relationship. Also, this says to your girlfriend "You know that girl I didn't even care about too much? Yeah, she's still more important than you."

You've correctly identified some of the problems with the ring. Can you take it back and go shopping with her as a sign of good faith? It's not the price of the ring, it's the thought (or in this case the ring seemed like an afterthought just like her in your life). Good luck. All is not lost. She obviously cares about you or she wouldn't have been so upset. Please be there for her. Consistently.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Fmort said:
I was just having a casual relationship with my ex I actually wanted to break up with her for a while. I was getting stationed somewhere else and thought I'd just let things break off on their own. She stopped taking the birth-control pill (without me knowing), told me antibiotics nullified the pill. 2 weeks after I left she said she was pregnant and so I decided to marry her.
Please do not talk about your ex like this in front of your girlfriend. This is someone you were married to and had multiple children with. Unless this "oops" resulted in twins, you continued to have a sexual relationship. Also, this says to your girlfriend "You know that girl I didn't even care about too much? Yeah, she's still more important than you."
Yeah She does say this a lot. I just don't know how or what to do at this point. I realize my asking her to marry me is way too late, but I really do want to be with her. I know that anything short of turning back the time won't suffice.

It can't be returned but it can be exchanged. I'll have to try mentioning that to her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Have you sat down to tell her how important she is?

draconis
Oh yeah I tell her all the time. She doesn't believe me though. She only believes that I'm with her to fill my loneliness, that I used her to rebound, and now that my Ex doesn't want me that I choose her.

My ex has told me a few times that if it wasn't for my g/f we would have gotten back together.This isn't true, I left her because I was tired of being treated the way I was. True its another mistake, I never filed for a divorce. Both my ex and I are military, I chose to be stationed in another state, far enough that I could live alone but close enough I could drive up and see the kids on the weekends. It was nearly a year after I moved my ex said she didn't feel anything, but wanted to stay married for a few years. We decided to get co-location orders so we could always be in the same city for sake of the kids.

Well close to a year into the relationship with my g/f (we were living with each other at this point) my ex confessed she had gotten the orders to move down here twice but didn't take them. When I told my g/f, she wanted to know why I was still holding onto the marriage. A lot of the reasons I did the things I did, was because even though we had been separated for 2 years, and had an agreement about staying married for co-location, my ex was pulling the adultery card. Threatening to get me in trouble with my command, and not letting me see the kids. And yeah the easy fix would be to file for a divorce, I figured that filing would piss my ex off more to the point where she would actually do something.

Sadly I think about it, and I know more than likely if I had been divorced when we went to the jewelery store I would have asked her. She won't live on 'ifs' though I know.
 

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Well you can never take back your mistakes, all you can do is learn and go forward. I think your relationship is in real trouble. The fact your girl friend is still around is a good sign though. It will take an incredible amount of time, energy and love to fix the mistakes. Be careful what you say and do. Treat her well. Reassure her of your love. Let her know you put her first.

draconis
 

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First - Get the divorce, if anything for yourself.
Second - Figure out what you want.
Third - Be happy with yourself so you can be could for others
Last - Love the one your with..............
 

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Okay, you've made some mistakes. Them aside, you really have to start showing your girlfriend that you want to create a life with her. Staying married is not a good way to do that.

If you're afraid that your wife will do something rash, then it's better now than later. You can't control another person's behavior. It's not an "easy fix." It's a permanent, legally binding, eloquent way to say to everyone who is important in this picture "This relationship is over and I am not going back." I can't even BEGIN to tell you how important a step this could be in your relationship.

My ex has told me a few times that if it wasn't for my g/f we would have gotten back together.This isn't true, I left her because I was tired of being treated the way I was.
Your wife should not believe this. Tell her different. Do not let her continue to believe this. Tell her nicely, but you should not let her think that the only thing that is keeping you from this marriage is another woman. This is important for her to know, your kids (if they're old enough to understand) and your girlfriend. One thing does affect the other--even if you're just reinforcing something you already believe.

You want to really convince your girlfriend you're serious about how important she is? Start planning for the future. I don't know how old your child is but start planning with your girlfriend about schooling, insurance and college funds. Sometimes look after the baby (do not call it babysitting) and allow her some time to herself. If you live in an apartment, plan on buying a house with your girlfriend. Plan a trip somewhere. Do something that involves some longevity and communication between the both of you. Say to her with action that you are going to be there for her, you love her and your child and that they are the lights of your life right now. When you do talk give solid dates for things that are going to happen. "I'm going to file for divorce Saturday and it should go through in six weeks", etc and follow through. Lastly, give some time between your divorce and remarriage if possible. You need to iron out visitation with your children and make sure your ex-wife understands that you also have a responsibility to your girlfriend and baby.

Then when you're single and she finally believes that she is important, take her to the jewelry shop and have her pick one she wants.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
My Ex filed for a divorce in January. I told her it was ridiculous to have us stay married when she wasn't going to follow through with the co-location. I was sending her more than enough money for child support, but in the property settlement agreement she wanted 50% of my pay, I was letting her have everything. 2 months before she broke up with me I shelled out $20k (my father passed away in June 2005) towards a brand new truck for her, paid off all of our debts. I wasn't going to fight for anything, I just wanted it over with, but there was no way I could afford to give her half of my pay each month.

I got a lawyer who suggested we keep the children and the divorce separate issues so that we could get the divorce over with. My ex called me saying it would cost her more money cause she'd have to re-file and I didn't want her spending more, so I went along with what she wanted yet again. It prolonged things... Nothing has been changed.

Actually things have gotten even worse as far as that goes. 2 months ago my ex got kicked out of the military for being over-weight, and has decided to try and stay married for medical and retirement benefits. I can't really give her a date on which I'll be divorced. It could go on until January 2009. I definitely know that if the divorce doesn't happen sometime this year she'll leave. And if I add my ex as a dependent after the $17k in medical bills she has for having the baby, who knows. I am not planning on adding her just so you know, my lawyer said a judge might force me to though.

I destroyed a very happy person. The things I've done were wrong, and I know I don't deserve her, and I know she's hanging on here cause she doesn't feel secure enough to be on her own yet. She was living in Colorado to take care of her mom and going to school, when her mom passed away she drove half way across the country to live with me. She did the things people do when they love someone, and all I did was keep her on a back burner.
 

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WOW. Good grief. You have def. opened a huge can of worms. From what I have read it seems as if you still have some emotion for your ex.
 

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I'm not sure your reason for divorce, but I bet you are putting your ex the priority before your girlfriend out of guilt. You probably weren't putting her first while you were married to her . Was infedility the reason for you and your wife seperating? You have to get a divorce or go back to your wife. In your g/f eyes those are your only options. If you don't divorce your g/f is just in a very vulnerable position, a very unsafe position. Getting a divorce will immediately solve that problem. She will be more supportive of you trying to figure out your role with your ex and the kids, even if you slip up sometimes. By slip I mean fixing her car, mowing the lawn, not sleeping with your ex, lol....Alot of ex wives pull their husbands into problems stating (well it benefits the kids, or the kids will suffer if you don't fix/do this). Don't get pulled into that, but it is likely you will help outside of what the court requires. Like I said you and your g/f can work through that over time, but not if you are still married, it would be just another pain inflicted to your g/f.
 
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