Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all. Pardon the horrible typing. I am right handed and that currently is in a cast. My wife and I have been together for 8.5 years married for 4. She is everything to me. We started off AMAZING…. Everyone loved and according to those in the know still do think we make one of the best couples they know. There is a certain synergy they say. We would always find some horrible outside event (job loss, foreclosure, etc… ) come in, add stress, and keep us from truly being happy. Our stresses never led to proper communication. I am a combat vet with PTSD and have that hair trigger then im fine. She is one of the most patient and chill people so she just absorbed everything. The hurt kept building up, her walls gradually got built, more arguments here and there. Intimacy of all types including emotional plummeted. Then came a vacation with all out stress release blowout where “separation” came out during my “11 minute combat mode” as everyone I know. Well, we patched that up an agreed to work on things. Because she thought we were done, she ended it in her mind then and there basically with a slight thought she could get I back in time.

I tried everything I could to pour out my love and appreciation of her. I even went to combat related anger management course without her knowledge to show her im for legit change

However since then 6 months… ALL intimacy has stopped physical and emotional which frustrates me because im not getting return on my love. She also has new work friends (and I have a funny feeling)… so I pressured her to figure things out whether she wanted to be with me from time to time… well… just over a week ago she finally had enough ad admitted she wants a divorce.

My world was rocked… had to get on the meds… call up friends I haven’t seen forever. Few visits with me counselor and some deep deep deep introspection.

Social anxieties, general distrust, overall cynicism of everything… that’s not how I want to live so those are the things that need to go. That 11 minute combat thing. No place for that in this society

I have realized many areas to improve upon, been reading all of these awesome forums and getting lots of advice. Here is my current situation…

I had to tell my parents and closest friends… she wants to wants to wait to tell everyone she would (mother, best friend, etc) until at least after holidays.

She wants to continue to sleep in same house (im in guest bedroom)

She wants to spend xmas with me… we just got a tree!!! wth

She wants to really start figuring out the serious details in the spring (no kids but lots of variables to settle)


She wants to be friends…… friends…

As pretty much everyone says… let her run the show. Let her find you again. So we had a great weekend, xmas shopping, hanging out, laughing. She invites me to play board games and watch football with her friends… of course we appear married but are just friends.

That was last night.. now she is all standoffish and distant. Quiet and wants to do her own thing. Which im totally cool with. Whatever it takes… I will fight for her until the end..

I hope she hasn’t found a meaningless office flirt fling which is clouding her thoughts and making her not want to fall back in love with me. But those that know her say she would have ended it right then and there if she REALLY wanted to leave… that’s hard to comprehend when she speaks and acts so definitively

Mixed signals

Im just lost… I need all the help I can get… im so torn I don’t know what to do

Thoughts?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
393 Posts
1.) Get thee to a store that sells a reliable voice recorder. Buy it. Learn how it works. Carry it. Everywhere. Use it. Anytime you engage her. Use it. For the dear love of whatever Gods/God you believe in. Protect thyself from the false DV charge. Domestic Violence, not Dysfunctional Vet.

2.) Because of step 1 - Behave yourself and conduct yourself as gentlemen in every way possible.

3.) Lock your room. Always. Secure your crap. Get a file box safe and bolt it to the floor in your locked room. Move your valuable documents there.

If this is her house or a rental, something you essentially will be out of in the end, skip to *FINAL* at the end of this.

4.) Any joint bills you pay, you reduce. Everything is split 50/50. If it's a comfort and not a need, get rid of it. WiFi? Move that **** to your room and change the password. Cut off cable and stream NetFlix and Hulu. Programmable thermostat with a locking box cover. Adjust it to a reasonable and health conscious setting. 66... 68... Then lock her out of it.

5.) Ignore her. Do your own thing.

6.) File. She wants out. Send her out. File a divorce. Love or no love. She changes her mind, figure out what you want. Screw a timetable. You want out, go. Splitting stuff is easy. Most states are community property anymore. Anything question was probably already asked 5 times this week at the courthouse and it's Monday.

7.) Behave yourself. Learn what you can and cant' do where you are and do nothing that could get you trouble with the law.


*FINAL* Move out. Get your own place and file. Be done. No kids, no worries.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,627 Posts
Is she protecting her phone?

Sounds like she is cheating on you. Keeping you around to pay bills while she figures out whether the relationship with the new guy at work pans out.

Do a little digging and get thee over to the CWI forum.

Once you know the score then you can formulate a plan.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,572 Posts
You need to heal yourself above all else. She is a minus at this time, so you need to leave her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,415 Posts
A lot of red flags. Time to quietly start investigating her activities on her phone and in the car. Get a VAR. Check the cell phone bill for numerous texts to the same number.
 
  • Like
Reactions: convert

·
Registered
Joined
·
261 Posts
She likely has someone else for the "other" part of a relationship, i.e intimacy, sex. And is taking advantage of staying in the house, being friendly because that is what works for her right now. She is getting what she wants, with no inconvenience to herself.

If couples are not in counseling to repair their marriage or relationship, I don't see any benefit from staying under the same roof. That arrangement is always to one person's benefit only, usually the one who wants the split. She needs to go, or you do, just my opinion. Right now, she has it all.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,337 Posts
Ok, I know you are hurting, so this is going to hurt more. Don't read it if you want hope.











Step one: you cry a lot and grovel at her feet. It's all your fault. You tell her so in intricate detail how it IS your fault, because some internet site told you that a woman needs empathy. That sh** really turns women on, and makes great convo for her and her AP to laugh about.

Step two: repeat step one after she tells you she "doesn't know what she wants".

Step three: after she tells you again she no longer loves you and wants to divorce, you decide you're not giving up, so you try the old faithful stand-by, right back to step one. Endless cycle ensues, until you're divorced and left with nothing because "you don't want to hurt her".

What you SHOULD do is something that feels bass ackward, and you don't want to do it out of fear of losing her, shame, insecurity, guilt, etc etc.

But here it is: tell her you understand and will do whatever she wants. Now out a VAR under the seat if her car. Wait to expose her ONLY after you have her red handed.

Then politely ask her to leave, after you've discussed things in detail with your lawyer. Once her switch is flipped, it ain't coming back on.
Divorce her. Never cry, never grovel. Those will be the things you regret the most. If you're a bad husband, no need in making her feel bad, anyway, right?

Now that you're divorced, you can heal, work on yourself, and find someone that is good for you and loves you. Your wife never will love you again, and won't even respect you if you grovel. Anyone that says otherwise is giving you false hope and will cause you undue pain.

I'm very sorry. It happens.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,791 Posts
Next time she wants to hang out tell her you busy.

The week end is great, but as soon as she starts hanging out with her new boyfriend you get the cold shoulder......phuck that...even though you guys still live together you need to add some mystery to your life by having the confidence to go out with your wife and leave her guessing.
#1 chicks love confident guys, #2 the love a mystery man.

I'm not say be a penis about this but your actions from here on out have a lot to do with showing her that you are not always going to be around!

Lets face it ....she has your number and the fact is you ain't going anywere no matter how much shyty she treats you!


One more thing.....her new boyfriend/co worker is probably married and once the weekend comes around she is all yours, but during the work week she is spoken for.

I could be wrong but I'm guessing she's all friendly once the week end rolls around. I bet you if her new botfriend was as committed to her as she is to him she would never ever want to stay friends with you......she keeps you around just in case this boyfriend of hers never does leave his wife.....at least you will be her plan B...

Hey what the hell do I know?

Stop sharing your wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,791 Posts
You have a lot of work to do in finding out what is really going on with your wife.

I'm guessing you have already looked into the "gathering evidence thread"?

From what I just read you are about 10 steps behind your old lady and that is not a good position to be in when you are fighting for your marriage.
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top