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Discussion Starter #1
I had the bomb dropped on me ... but silly me I KNEW we would never be one of those couples.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years and together for more than twice that (call me paranoid, but putting the actual time might somehow lead her to find this).

A few days ago I had a dream she was cheating on me and when i got up that morning I just knew i had to look at her cell phone. Using a common excuse to do so, i noticed that she was very reluctant to let me, where it had never been a problem in the past. When i got my hands on it i knew exactly where to look: texts between her and her "friend". I have no 100% proof she cheated, but i have a lot of ancedotal evidence (they spending time together when i travelled, planning another get together when i leave again, comments, etc).

When i confronted her with this she told me that she no longer wanted to be with me. That i was boring, a kid because she had to do my laundry and grocery shopping (i do many of the other chores around the house so this sounded odd) and other really minor things. She swears she's done nothing with this other guy, but the stuff i've read really make that implausible. She also says she has called it off with him, and just wants to be alone to focus on her work ("I need to be by myself", "I dont think i am the type to be married").

I know they did start out as friends. My wife likes to help people, and this guys had a lot of problems (she worked with him). They started training together and recently ran a marathon together. I was not able to train as i was on the road a lot for my job this summer. I know i should have been the jealous type, but i know how much she likes helping people, and i've known people who have liked her before and nothing has come of it. Heck i have female friends and wouldnt want her suspecting them. Bottom line i trusted her too much.

I hate to lose my marriage. We just had a miscarriage on our first child about two months ago, and I've probably been distant since then, but she never one brought up that she was unhappy. That is what hurts the most. This all feels like a a midlife crisis (

She never told me she was unhappy. I never got the chance to try to do anything to make her happier. I'm sure i could have done better, but i was just too focused on my work and other obligations and she just seemed so happy.

She gets mad when i bring up councelling and has absolutely no interest in trying to save the marriage. She acts like she was never happy, and i just cant believe that. The only few people who know right now are in shock as everyone thought we were so happy ("wow man, you guys were the last people i'd have ever guessed...").

I want to work on our marriage, but i cant do it alone and I think i may do more harm than good pushing her to want to continue to be with me... she just seems so sure. How do I convince myself to let her go when it is the last thing in the world i really want? If i'm ever lucky enough to find someone like her again, how do i not carry this around and sabotage it with suspicion?
 

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Go to counseling. It is there to help YOU and you can't "force" her to do something she doesn't want to do. By pushing it on her it very well may push her away even more. Like my counselor told me don't "stalk" her either as that will end up just pushing her away even more.

I'm in the same situation myself, but reading the book "Stop Your Divorce" by Homer McDonald has really helped me out. Also there are a lot of great people on this forum who can help you out and will be posting here I'm sure.
 

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This is becoming a epidemic. My situation was similar. Shes been unhappy for a long time blah blah blah. Doesn't want to seek counseling and is seeing someone else. etc etc. If you ask me the 'I need to be by myself' means: 'I've got someone else I'm seeing or am interested in'.

Look up the 180 and make sure you don't fit into the 'nice guy' category.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
Nowhere - I'm not sure what the 180 is, can you link to it. I'm pretty sure without reading it that i'm a "nice guy" though. Thats what i've always been told.

Cooljay - do i want to stop my divorce if she doesnt? Should i fight it and suffer longer or try to find the path to moving on. Not sure that a book about fixing it would help me right now. I can't do that alone.

I'm heading to the doctor in a bit to try to get somethign that will allow me to function. I've still got to hold down my job (travelling again in two weeks, when the info i found says he will be coming up here ... to my home).

She swears she cut it off with him and doesnt know why she let it get that far. He is a recovering drug addict and current alcoholic that she was mentoring... totally not the type of person the woman I knew would put up with for any significant time (other than to help, she obsesses about helping people). They got close of the miscarriage and training for this race together.

She doesnt want to reconcile, just be alone and concentrate on her career. We've focused on hers for a while and she now makes double what i do. I'm finishing my masters in a month and was looking to start catching back up (she's doubled hers in the last 3 years). I make good money, but trying to make it on my own will mean figuring out some significant changes.

Dont know what that had to do with anything... product of a scattered brain i suppose.

Thanks for listening and the comments. I've always been a bit of an introvert and we just moved for her career (I travel for a living so i can work from anywhere), so i dont have much of a support network. That was her.
 

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I am so sorry and i know how you feel...

ABout 3 weeks ago my husband told me he wasn't unhappy and hasn't been for a long time, but has had "moments" of happiness...BLA BLA BLA...We started MC and things were going ok, but after session 3 I just lost it...I started crying and I was just so hurt...After he saw how hurt I was he felt bad and said he was going to try hard at saving our marriage. Since then he has done ok, but not giving nearly as much as I do...

For example, Saturday he told me he loved me, but then I think he almost was mad at himself for saying it and has been trying to be 180 from it now..It is so hard....I never thought marriage was this hard...

I would say start therapy for you and maybe she will join you, but if not it helps to talk...Please private me if you ever want to talk or vent.
 

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Cooljay - do i want to stop my divorce if she doesnt? Should i fight it and suffer longer or try to find the path to moving on. Not sure that a book about fixing it would help me right now. I can't do that alone.
That's what I thought at first when it was suggested to me on here but to be honest the book is about doing things that make YOU a better person and help you understand what to do and what not to do emotionally.

The fact that it might help save your marriage is just what I would call a bonus. Even in the book he mentions if someone is going to leave you there is nothing you can do to change that. You can however help yourself even if they don't want to seek help.

From my own personal experiences so far I can say that the book has truly helped me as a person and with my emotions. It's kept me level headed and calm during all the chaos.

I'm just trying to help others as a lot of people on here have helped me so far with my own separation that I am still going through and I'm just trying to give back for all the help I've gotten so far. There are others on here who have been through more than I have I am sure and might be able to help you more but I will keep an eye on this thread and try to help the best I can!

Quick edit here: What ever you do DO NOT push her to do anything! That will only make her pull away more from you, trust me I did that at first and it doesn't work at all. The book I mentioned covers all of this very well, and just like my marriage counselor told me DO NOT stalk her! That will also push her further away. I know it's so very hard and I did nothing but cry and beat myself up mentally about everything for the first 3-4 days after she left, then I found this forum and it's really helped. It will be hard but you've got great support here.
 

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It's weird that a dream led you to her phone but nonetheless:

She gets mad when i bring up councelling and has absolutely no interest in trying to save the marriage.
Then let her go. You will only hurt yourself trying to hold onto someone who wants out. There is absolutely NO point in trying to cling to someone who is kicking you off of them.

If you cling, it will only make you more unattractive in her eyes. It will make her want to run away faster.

So let her go. It will hurt and it sucks but it's better to do this now instead of wasting more time in the future trying to convince someone to be with you when they do not want to.



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It's weird that a dream led you to her phone but nonetheless:



Then let her go. You will only hurt yourself trying to hold onto someone who wants out. There is absolutely NO point in trying to cling to someone who is kicking you off of them.

If you cling, it will only make you more unattractive in her eyes. It will make her want to run away faster.

So let her go. It will hut and it sucks but it's better to do this now instead of wasting more time in the future trying to convince someone to be with you when they do not want.
:iagree: very much with this statement.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Jellybeans- I agree the dream was wierd. I'm sure the dream came from some suspicions i had been internalizing (in an effort to not be the jealous type I looked past the fact that i knew this guy liked her, sent her a mix-cd, lost of training together, etc). She just acted stangely the night i had the dream. We had travelled back to our prior town (been gone a few weeks) that day for something i had to do and she tagged along. She's got friends there so i didnt think anything of it. But her being strangely cold to me that night made me feel odd. She had been with him that day while i was at class. I'm sure her unusual actions that night combined with some subconscious suspicions led to the dream.

Cooljay - I didnt mean to come off as dismissive of your suggestion. Maybe the title of the book is a turnoff right now - "Stop Your Divorce" ... between the fact that most of those i'm close to tell me i probably shouldn't want to and the thought of her finding this and thinking i'm being creepy-clingy i'm a bit scared of the title. In a few weeks when I'll likely be moved out I'll look into getting that one.

Almost - I hate that for you. I wish mine was even willing to talk about MC. Just the effort to know that we tried and failed would make me feel better i think ... the thought of not trying after all (i thought) we had seems sickening. Some individual counceling would be nice i think ... unfortuantely my insurance doesnt cover it. We have some kind of phone-in counceling. Never noticed that until now, guess it wasnt an issue. =P

Definitely trying not to push her ... I am working with her at this point (talking through the divorce, plans) and am trying to help move things along. Its just hard to focus at this point as i've only had two days to process this. She understands where she is at (theoretically) and I'm still trying to make sense of this. She is travelling until Friday at which point this weekend we'll work though some details (yay...).

The sickening thing that happened today? She called to chat about what her lawyer told her and aside from some other bits that were unfortunate, she actually told me that her lawyer said that if we wanted to "speed things up" she could file against me for Emotional Abuse (or something similar) because, as the lawyer put it "i dont know any couple that has emotionally abused one another once or twice". She said it wouldnt be a big deal because "it wouldnt show up anywhere on the public documents."

That is so far from the truth i didnt know what to say. That she would even bring up going that route to speed things up may have been a bigger dagger to the heart than actually finding out she (most likely) cheated(ing). After our miscarriage i may have been distant (we both were she), but even after all of this i wouldnt do anything to hurt her. That she would act like saying something like that is no big deal is baffling to me ... who is this person?
 

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Jellybeans- I agree the dream was wierd. I'm sure the dream came from some suspicions i had been internalizing (in an effort to not be the jealous type I looked past the fact that i knew this guy liked her, sent her a mix-cd, lost of training together, etc). She just acted stangely the night i had the dream. We had travelled back to our prior town (been gone a few weeks) that day for something i had to do and she tagged along. She's got friends there so i didnt think anything of it. But her being strangely cold to me that night made me feel odd. She had been with him that day while i was at class. I'm sure her unusual actions that night combined with some subconscious suspicions led to the dream.

Cooljay - I didnt mean to come off as dismissive of your suggestion. Maybe the title of the book is a turnoff right now - "Stop Your Divorce" ... between the fact that most of those i'm close to tell me i probably shouldn't want to and the thought of her finding this and thinking i'm being creepy-clingy i'm a bit scared of the title. In a few weekJs when I'll likely be moved out I'll look into getting that one.

Almost - I hate that for you. I wish mine was even willing to talk about MC. Just the effort to know that we tried and failed would make me feel better i think ... the thought of not trying after all (i thought) we had seems sickening. Some individual counceling would be nice i think ... unfortuantely my insurance doesnt cover it. We have some kind of phone-in counceling. Never noticed that until now, guess it wasnt an issue. =P

Definitely trying not to push her ... I am working with her at this point (talking through the divorce, plans) and am trying to help move things along. Its just hard to focus at this point as i've only had two days to process this. She understands where she is at (theoretically) and I'm still trying to make sense of this. She is travelling until Friday at which point this weekend we'll work though some details (yay...).

The sickening thing that happened today? She called to chat about what her lawyer told her and aside from some other bits that were unfortunate, she actually told me that her lawyer said that if we wanted to "speed things up" she could file against me for Emotional Abuse (or something similar) because, as the lawyer put it "i dont know any couple that has emotionally abused one another once or twice". She said it wouldnt be a big deal because "it wouldnt show up anywhere on the public documents."

That is so far from the truth i didnt know what to say. That she would even bring up going that route to speed things up may have been a bigger dagger to the heart than actually finding out she (most likely) cheated(ing). After our miscarriage i may have been distant (we both were she), but even after all of this i wouldnt do anything to hurt her. That she would act like saying something like that is no big deal is baffling to me ... who is this person?
Who is this person? A woman who is most likely deep in a fog of an affair, for which she has decided to leave you.

The quicker it is done the less time she needs to spend hiding it and risking exposure.

Do you have access to her phone records?
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Discussion Starter #13
I did, but she cut me out. Unfortunately the (both) phones happen to be in her name. Our bills are split pretty evenly that way. She said she'd give me the password when i confronted her about changing the password, but i said i would trust what she says about cutting it off. Probably a dumb move ... but that was still hell-day plus 1.

... like i'm so much smarter on hell-day plus 2...
 

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no problem at all trust me I understand and the title is very misleading I will agree with that. I can understand not wanting her to see it, I haven't wanted my (possibly ex) wife to see me reading it either.

There are a lot of books on the subject that's for sure so it's best to find which one will help you out the best. The first few days truly are the roughest and you'll always have rough days there is no question about that. Have you looked into counseling yet? It doesn't matter if she goes or not, it is to help YOU and trust me it does help a lot. Talking to a counselor truly can help and it gets a lot of things off your shoulders and they can help you.

One thing I would suggest is don't argue, don't fight, don't try to correct her, don't blame her for anything, just be calm and keep everything civil and "professional" so to speak. That doesn't mean give her the cold shoulder of course. Keep us updated when you can.
 

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OMG! She must have had some passionate feelings for this other guy, nothing else could explain how heartless she is being. She's had the rush of endorphins and feels that she's missing out on romance!
That's my guess as a woman.
Well she will find out the hard way that the grass is NOT greener.
 

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This sounds very similar to what I have been going through.

In my case, we tried to reconcile from my wife's EA for a couple of years, but my wife was never committed. We just separated last week.

For my wife, it was like a switch being turned off about 4 or 5 years ago. She was having a major MLC and changed her appearance, her friends, as well as her lifestyle. That's when she gave me the "I love you but I am not in love with you speech". It's been a rollercoaster ever since - with some great moments and now the worst moments. I don't think my wife has ever really tried to re-concile and I pushed her into MC as well as trying to stay together "for the kids". It didn't work. In hindsight, my pleas to try to reconcile as well as work things out only served to push my wife further away as we just could not relax together - things were always too heavy between us - too strained and artificial.

If I were to do it all over, I would have pushed for a trial separation right after the "I love you but..." speech. As it is, I probably waited too long, and did more damage to our marriage as a result.

My advice is tough to swallow but if your wife is refusing to commit to any damage repair, then I think it would be best to let her go. Only by being away from you will she be able to discover that she had what she needed all the time. .... Or maybe not. It's a bit of a risk.

In my own situation, my wife is not an introspective type and is living on her own for the first time of her life and enjoying her freedom. I'm not holding my breath expecting her to come back. I'm still not over her though so it's very tough on me as well as the kids (two).

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Thanks for the continued advice and support guys.

I'm am definitely trying to not push. Not so much because i think it will help if i dont, but because it can only hurt if I do. She isnt the type to come back from a decision easily, especially when her parents now know. If i still know her even a little bit, that will make her commited to the action so as not to look weak.

We dont talk about much one the phone except general daily stuff we used to talk about. She is at a conference so we chat about people we both know, how her presentation went, etc. The exception is when she called yesterday to talk about the lawyer stuff (i posted about below). We had a "good" regular chat yesterday, which almost felt normal. She was questioning why i was working out so much and trying so much "harder" (i've always been healthy, but 2-a-days are helping me cope right now).

Its wierd to say, but the bad part of the convo came at the end. We were in the hanging up phase and she said "ok, love you" to which i instantly replied "love you too, bye". It all happened so fast that i know it was just the standard response ... and that is what made it hurt.

The day got a little worse after that as i passed out at the gym and spent 4 hours in the hospital (i have a minor heart condition that hadnt acted up in three years). I was actually in a pretty good mood even after that until they asked who my emergency contact was ... I had to think about it.

Today I visit an attorney. Just hate how fast this is moving. I feel like there is more acting than thinking going on.

Blah.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Hell day +5 (HD5).

Had a great chat with my best friend yesterday. She and her husband live overseas now and a coming back to the States soon. They've been friends of us both for a long long time, but the connection is through me, so i felt safe calling.

What shocked me? She said she and her husband had talked before about how my W seemed like the type that was always looking for something better: career, clothes ... men(?). They thought that if she ever got really successful she'd leave me, and they were apparently right. I wonder how i missed that. It never once crossed my mine.

I'm doing pretty good these last 24 hours. Working out a lot. Being proactive in stuff I need to do (I'm typically a bit of a procrastinator) and setting up the guest bedroom so i can sleep there for the next few weeks (we just moved here a few weeks ago - which begs the question - why'd she let me move here if she were unhappy?) .

Didnt text her this morning and am trying to start learning to go through life without her.

This will be a horrible ride, i have a friend in a very similar situation (but with kids) who is about 6 months ahead of me in the process ... and is still pretty torn up. Not looking forward to the next 365.
 

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Didnt text her this morning and am trying to start learning to go through life without her.
This is a great step in the right direction :smthumbup:. There will be days that are rough, no doubt about it but taking steps towards making YOURSELF happy is what needs to be done and do keep the thread updated if you can.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
HD+6

She comes home from her work trip today. This weekend wont be fun.

I think i've been holding out hope that she would have second thoughts. This morning when she didnt text or call (she did eventually) I found myself feeling upset. I must have been holding out hope.

Anyone else notice it is worse in the morning?

I feel almost manic in the afternoon/evening. Being active, positive attitude, etc. But in the mornings i am crushed all over again.

A question for everyone on the 180: Tonight there is an event here in town. I told her about it and she wants to go to it (i'm sure she assumes i wouldnt go). In the past i wouldnt go to this sort of thing all that often, but I found out about it yesterday and told her about it. Should I go? Should I go do something else?
 
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