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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Been married for almost eleven years. Marriage has been rocky at times. My wife has told me in the past that she was not happy in our relationship. That I had changed a lot since getting married. I would try and change for her and it would get better for a while but every once in a while we'd have the same argument.
I found out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has been talking to someone for a month or two. Met on facebook and have since been texting and talking to each other. She seems to be pretty honest about everything she has told me. She tells me that she likes talking to him because she feels that she has no one else that she can talk to. But she has also said that she has strong feelings towards him. We had been talking about separating but decided to work it out. I told her that if she felt like she was falling for him then she needed to decide me or him. Told her she'd have to stop talking to him. She chose me and said she would not talk to him except for once in a while. Was it wrong to ask this of her? Is it right to be jealous even though she has not cheated?
 

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No its not wrong to ask your wife to stop talking to someone she has growing feelings for. She may be totally innocent about it, but I gaurentee you no guy spends alot of time talking to a woman without some alterior motives.

I feel I sould give you a little advice though. This incedent is only a symptom of the real issue. The real issue is that your wife is seeking a connection that she feels she cant get from you. Thats what ( "She tells me that she likes talking to him because she feels that she has no one else that she can talk to." ) means. You may have prevented this one guy from forming an emotional connection he could then parlay into a physical one, but until your wife finds that connection she is looking for your problems will not end. Next time she may not be as honest with you, and thus have an even bigger need to connect with someone else.

I think you should take this incedent as a signal that your relationship has become weak. This doesn't mean that either of you is bad or wrong, its just something that happens to most couples from time to time. You need to find a way to grow closer, to be that connection your wife is looking for. What does that mean for you? How do you think you could get your wife to see that you are still there for her and interested in what is going on in her life? What is she looking for and how can you be the guy she goes to to get it? Ask her these questions. Set aside some time to relax and listen to each other. Time and attention is the most important thing we can give to each other.
 

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Was it wrong to ask this of her? Is it right to be jealous even though she has not cheated?
i dont think it was wrong of you. but instead of giving orders you might want to make it her choice to stop talking to him by helping her feel more secure in your love. then she would choose to stop.
 

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If she chose you that means cutting the other guy off completely. It seems she's not putting in the same effort as you. Offer to go to counseling before something worse happens. But until she lets go of that guy completely, you're never gonna be comfortable or at peace thinking they can end up being together. And yes she does have someone to talk to. She has you. Be the friend she needs. Learn to listen. She needs to see the change in you before she can make a change for herself. Good Luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
My wife seems to be working at it. She seems happier with me. I'm starting to get the spontaneous " I love you" again. But I think she still might be talking to him. We had a fight three days ago. She said I didn't trust her. She felt like I was treating her like a child, making her stop talking to him. She said she would be able to keep it just a friendship. We then agreed to put it behind us and work on building a stronger relationship. She says she hasn't talked to him, but two days ago I checked her text messages and saw a message from him saying " how are u. It's been hard trying not to call u". She replied " it's cool. Call me if you need to talk". Then today he wrote her again but i did not read it. Should i stop reading her messages and just trust her. Maybe she really is trying to talk to him less or not at all. I'm affraid to bring it up again and ruin the progress we've made. Should I just quit being so jealous?
 

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You should hold her accountable for her actions. If she said she's not going to talk to him, she shouldn't contact him in any way. She should tell him to leave her alone.

She made a commitment to you that includes forsaking all others. Correct? That she can't stay away from him tells us that she NEEDS to stay away from him. And in time, whatever draws her to him will lessen and eventually go away.

But if she keeps playing with fire, she WILL get burned.

She's bargaining so she can have both of you. She doesn't see that she's harming her ability to connect to you by giving him that emotional energy. There's only so much of the stuff to go around, ya know?
 

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This is definitely an emotional affair. I have been there, done that, it's very easy to start, but very difficult to stop. If she really needed just someone to talk to, she can call a female friend or her mother or her pastor or a psychologist. I also agree that many men have ulterior motives when they start online friendships. If both of you want to save the marriage, find out what is missing in the marriage. What is she seeking from other men that you are not providing?
 

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Don't feel guilty for asking, or checking the cell phone for calls. You are entitled to know the truth. Some posts seem to think you need to work on making your wife feel secure in the marriage, OR make a change in you before she can make a change for herself. What??
Are you serious?? Obviously, there are issues in the marriage for her to be looking elsewhere with an EA (and it is an EA) but she is the one who is checking out and being selfish. The effort she is putting into this EA should go toward councelling, as should be yourself Joe77. If she wants to work on the marriage, there has to be absolutely zero contact with this guy, period! and you have to both be committed to therapy.
Dobo hit the nail on the head, she is playing both hands to see how things play out. If the EA turns into a secure thing, maybe its dumpsville for you. Hangs on to you as security.
You are not being jealous, you have a right to know. Don't feel like you are afraid to make waves. Do you want to blindly trust her only to find out she is having a physical affair? Remember she is the one that has breached the trust in the relationship, so the balls in her court to prove herself.
Sorry to sound short but you have to get a backbone here and not accept anything but her dropping this guy in order to move forward. She already said she has strong feelings for this guy, then says she won't talk to him...... only once in a while?? Is it just me or is this a little messed up?
 

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Check out my posts. I am in the losing end of an EA and let me tell you, I would rather have had it be sexual in nature. The emotional is a harder bond to break. I lost it in myself early on the the marriage. Like others have said, stop it early on as quickly as you can and take her and RUN to find out what to fill that emotional hole with.

I wish you all the best, as I am going through the worst.
 

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Absolutely right brighterlight, her behavior is unacceptable. You cannot force her to not have contact with the guy, but you can control your behavior and decide whether this is an acceptable way for YOU to live.
Be kind to yourself and step back from this enough to see what is happening. Don't rely on her to do the right thing, because she is not considering your feelings.

Good luck.
 

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I tried to stop it, confrontation, gave her all the outs I possible to come clean, brought it out in a therapy session and she flat out denied it every time.
You cannot force someone, and if they aren't ready to come clean then you may never be able to move past it.
It really depends on the circumstances but in my case she would deny any involvement with the guy and in knew it was going on.
I couldn't control her behavior but i could certainly control mine so i left my wife over a week ago.
I wouldnt recommend this to everyone, but i wasn't about to stand still while i was being deceived and it was ruining me.
In your case she did admit to an EA, but she didn't seem willing to end it, so the situation is similar in that you need to empower yourself and take control of your life. It's hell living through this so be kind to yourself.

Both of you in counseling is essential here, but keeping in mind to ask yourself what are you willing to accept before you begin sessions. You are actually in control if you think about it.
 

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Joe,

At some point, and soon btw, your wife MUST stop talking to this OM. NOT because you are jealous but because it is limiting you two as a couple to communicate completely. Any communication that she's having with this OM affects her willingness to turn to you for the same thing.

Because I feel the difficulty in communicating with my husband I'm going to throw a few questions out there for you to consider.

When she comes to you with a problem, do you immeidately try to solve it and tell her what to do? My husband did this a lot until I was able to communicate that I'm NOT asking for him to solve it, just to listen. IF I want him to solve it then I will tell him. This helped us tremendously.

When she comes to you just to chit chat about "trivial" things, do you give responses like "uh huh or uhm yeah"? I could always tell when he stopped listening because he was bored. Be interested in what your wife is telling you EVEN if the the topic is a complete bore to you, remember that she is NOT a bore to you. Show her attention. Ask open ended questions in response to what she's telling you. This is an important topic to her even if it's not to you.

When she tells you what happened in her day, don't just listen. Actively participate. Ask her how that made her feel or offer your thoughts of how that would make you feel. Offer her information about what happened in your day, etc. Make it a two-way conversation. The dazed "deer in the headlights" look doesn't help communication. LOL

Anyway, just some thoughts on what this "OM" is doing that you may have stopped doing. He's making her feel important and interesting because he's actively listening and participating in the conversation with her. You can do the same and even better I'm sure.

GL,
Lost
This is the best response I have ever read...I feel what your saying...cause that is me...
I always get the umm yeah ok...my chit chat is one sided...(ME)
and when I say talk to me he says "I am" But he's not...I know that doesn't make sense...:)

But that reason left me open for a EA, I never thought of it as a EA, until I felt myself being gone...I was willing to make alot of changes...This wasnt me...where did this come from...and how did I get here...?

One other thing to ask your self...how many times has she started telling you something and you didn't get the whole story?

I have many times started telling my H something and either the phone rang, a kid darted in, or the dog starting barking, and he never even relized that I never finished telling him...for me that hurts, cause I feel that I'm just not that important to him as a human...as a person he should connect with....Even if it was a dum thing, it was important to me...
I understand that we all have issues that take our mind away...but at what point does that go to before we just stop sharing our lives?

Your post has put some light on my issues for me... I realized that I wasn't looking for a replacement...I just wanted to be remembered in small ways...

Don't get me wrong...my H is the best...he loves me more then life and is willing to move the earth to keep me happy...and I know that I cause him alot of stress...we joke about it, but it does bother me...I wish I was a easy person, but I'm not...
Hubby when you read this, I love you for always! and I'm sorry for this past year!
 

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Joe,

At some point, and soon btw, your wife MUST stop talking to this OM. NOT because you are jealous but because it is limiting you two as a couple to communicate completely. Any communication that she's having with this OM affects her willingness to turn to you for the same thing.
Great advice Lost. I my case it took my wife months to realize it was not just a friendship. No “I love yous” were exchanged, no inappropriate behavior on-line on by phone… In her mind it was a friendship. She finally realized how “deep” her feelings were for him after the relationship ended. She ended up stubbing her toe a couple of times but did end it for good some time ago. But the damage was done to the marriage none the less and we are still working at recovery. Miles ahead of where we were but we still have a ways to go. She must end things with him and return to you as her emotional center. As long as he is in the picture that will not happen. I speak from experience. Good luck Joe.
 
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