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My wife had an affair for a year, and then I discovered the incriminating emails. We did counseling for a year after that, and she refused to own up to what really happened. Essentially she blamed me.

Every time we tried to talk about the affair, she would say we had problems in our marriage for years (we did, I talk 50% of the blame for that), that I'm controlling (uh, yeah, I let her make almost all the decisions about the home, the kids, vacations, whether she should go back to work, how much sex -- hardly any - we had).

So it was all my fault that she ****ed around with my kid's sports coach. I "drove her" to the affair.

No surprise: I got an apartment. Haven't moved out, waiting for her to sign a separation agreement. No surprise, she's dragging this out, won't sign, won't get her lawyer to propose an agreement that is acceptable to them.

Sooo, is SHE controlling things by NOT taking action? Well that's how she operates - she controls by refusing to cooperate. SHE's the controlling one.

It's hard on the kids to go through this at Christmas but it's right move, don't you think?

Thanks for listening.
 

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She's hoping to continue cake eating long enough for you to give up on moving.
So what you do is cut off the money. Pay what needs to be paid, and she must pay her share.

Your'er right, she is still trying to control things.

Ask your lawyer about getting a judge to sign off on the separation without her signing.
 

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Your attorney should be able to handle this. What state are you in? You are correct in not moving out. She may be baiting you to see if you will. The court will not make you stay. You can file it and then they can adjust. This is why being the one to file is so important.

If she is blaming you, it will never get better and maybe it is still not over.
 

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My wife had an affair for a year, and then I discovered the incriminating emails. We did counseling for a year after that, and she refused to own up to what really happened. Essentially she blamed me.
Berlin, when did the affair end? Did you expose the affair to anyone? Is the coach married?

I think you should stay in the house and SHE should leave. Obviously she's not going to do that, so push your attorney to get a separation order in place asap.
 

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Berlin292

Your wife is simply blame shifting. She refuses to accept the fact that no matter how bad the marriage was, she chose to spread her legs. She could have filed for divorce or initiated marriage counseling, but she chose to be unfaithful. That is all on her and she needs to own it. Otherwise, the marriage can never recover.

Now, she is blaming you for her poor choices. She will never take responsibility. She will always be the victim.


You are doing the right thing here.
 

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If your wife did nothing wrong and has blamed you for the affair then its safe to say that she is still screwing around. She hasn't learned a damb thing so why should she stop.

Make no mistake, this isn't about the coach, its about a behavior your wife has and She may not be seeing anyone now, but the right guy hasn't come around again. Hell who knows she could be seeing soem one right now. But the point is your wife has excepted her affair as being justified, so why not have another one right?

Do not move out until you get this court order, the last thing you want is to be labeled for abandoning her, and then your screwed.
 

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You can put a stop to this bullcrap by exposing both of them far and wide for what they have done. It's pretty easy to act morally superior and without fault while all her transgressions are still in the dark.

Expose them to the light of day and you'll see a different tune when she all of a sudden has to explain her actions to people other than just you.
 

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This blameshifting crap kills me....... "your a crappy husband so I decieved you instead of facing the bad marriage a leaving your @ss"

@3putt, I agree, exposure is the best tactic to make the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable...THIS TIME!!
 

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I read your other thread and would like to know why you are the one moving out? To my mind, your wife is the person who chose to look outside the marriage (behind your back) so she should be the one to leave so that she can pursue her single's lifestyle unencumbered by you or her children (who are a lower priority to her than her affair).

Since she is stalling on the mediation, I would change your plans and stay. Tell her to find a place. If there is a spare room ask HER to move into it until she finds a place (being Christmas, it might be tough). OR - let her move into the place you already arranged - but make sure she knows that it's temporary.

BOTH of you are responsible for the state of your marriage leading up to her affair. Once she chose to have an affair, she chose her own selfish interests above all else. SHE chose to look after her own needs above her family's. SHE chose to lie and go behind you and your children's backs. So SHE should take responsibility for her choices and leave. It is that simple. If she shows remorse, then she can work on getting back with the family. But it is up to her. Your task now is to look after your children and look after yourself.

Good luck!
 

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Do you have a lawyer? Is he/she advising you on strategy? Or just agreeing with what you want and then doing the paperwork?

Why can't you just file for divorce with your terms for custody and finances?
 

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Is the affair ongoing? Are they still communicating? Are they still meeting up for sex?

Where does your wife stand? She says she wants separation and divorce and then does the opposite?

Where does other man stand? Does he say he wants to divorce and marry your wife? Is he separated or in process of divorce? Is he working on his marriage? Or is he just using your wife for sex? If you don't know, can you find out from his wife?

Did your wife ever like sex? When you were dating, engaged, first married? Or was she like this from day one?
 

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Become indifferent to your wife. Stop discussing anything other than finances, the divorce, and the kids.

Tell your wife you won't discuss your relationship until she gives up other man and is willing to demonstrate it to you, for example, by writing a no contact letter, giving up her passwords, not deleting things, letting you know her whereabouts, and apologizing to you and your family and friends.

If your wife won't agree to the separation agreement, stay in the house and proceed with the divorce without her. Don't count on her cooperation. Eventually, if she doesn't cooperate, a judge will make the decisions about her finances and her share of custody for her. Stop letting her get to you. She enjoys it. SHE CONTROLS YOU BECAUSE YOU LET HER CONTROL YOU. Stop giving her this power. Lower your expectations. Expect her to be as difficult as possible, then if she isn't, you will be pleasantly surprised. Detach.

If she won't move out of the bedroom, you should set up another bedroom in another room in the house for yourself until the divorce is final. Try to live a separate life to the degree necessary.

Tell her you are letting her go. Tell her you would like her to go live with the other man right now. You will help her pack her stuff up and drive her over to his place. Call other man. Tell him he wins, you will be dropping off your wife and all her baggage in a few minutes. Call other man's wife and let her know, too.
 

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Don't ever let anyone convince you that this is your fault.

We live in a society of blame. It's her affair, her irresponsibility, her unfaithfulness, but it's your fault?

Garbage.

I would sneak this pic onto her computer as the wallpaper when she's not looking.
 

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So Berlin, unless you actually got in the car, drove her to a prearranged meeting with a man and forced her to get naked and have sex - you didn't make her cheat.

she cheated because she chose to. She decided her getting shagged for 30 min was more important to her than the marriage, her integrity, and you.

Move back in.

If doesn't have a lawyer, it doesn't matter to you. File and have her served.
 
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