Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 61 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
It hurts so bad I don’t know what to say so I’m just going to start typing. I was gone for the summer working. A friend came back in town, not a super close friend before all this but a friend none the less. She started talking to him before he even came back. They continued having a relationship until days before I came back. After I got back we all hung out regularly for three weeks. They put on a total front to me. I was a little suspicious so I looked at her old cell phones and found some very vulgar text messages. When I confronted her she would not tell me until I told her what I knew. Wow! Recalling all this is horrible. When we finally talked about it I feel she was honest based on the phone records I looked up it sounded truthful.

She was the best thing that ever happened to me. We have been thru so much I can’t just walk away. I want to work things out but I don’t know if I can forgive her. She says she will do anything for my forgiveness. I get the sex and the affair hurts but all the lying to my face from the two of them for three weeks is ripping me apart.

There is a lot of extenuating circumstances so I will try to explain some history. We are young. 25 years old and got married at 18. No kids. We have been trying to introduce other women and other couples to the bedroom. She recommended I could sleep with other women while I was gone and she could sleep with other women as well. I said I would rather not sleep with other women then allow her to be with other men. She told me its ok for me to do it as long as we told each other and she won’t sleep with men. I feel it was a huge mistake to be with other women and I regret it.

So again I get her sleeping with someone else and I get her doing it with him for reasons I can’t get into right now but can discuss later. What I don’t think get over is the three weeks of lying to my face about it. I don’t know if I can ever trust her again because how well she lied to me.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I want to leave but can’t imagine a life without her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,166 Posts
Unless you are here to post constructive advice, please skip making useless and/or disrespectful comments to the original poster.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
I may believe is marriage destructive, I my argue It's not my thing but to each his own. The "openess" is irrelevant.
Cheaters in open marriages do it for exactly the same reasons of those in "tradictional" couples. Entitlement, selfishness, lack of integrity, lack of self and other respect, seeking trills by going on your partner back (power, control).
She's not diferrent than the other cheaters in the world.
So why did she this when she has even more oportunities in this arrangement? See above, same reasons than the run on the mill.
The openess must stop for a while. Until she build back the trust.
If you snoop for a while it's possible you find out more. Most times what we find out is not more than tip of the iceberg. Embrace for a while the PI mode.

I'm sorry man. Specially for making you socialize with POSOM, the nerve. Blatant lack of respect. Hard to visualize the glances, the half smiles...

Keep reading, keep texting.
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Kando, thanks for being honest and stright to the point. I have thought about that a lot.

Acabado, I think your right to keep it one on one. I am waiting on a transcript of text messages on her phone. If she wasent compleatly honest when she came clean i am gone. She said three times in three months, i find that hard to believe given how much they talked on the phone. The socializing is what i cant get over.

Am I a push over for wanting to make it work? I dont want to be hurt like this again..
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Kando, thanks for being honest and stright to the point. I have thought about that a lot.

Acabado, I think your right to keep it one on one. I am waiting on a transcript of text messages on her phone. If she wasent compleatly honest when she came clean i am gone. She said three times in three months, i find that hard to believe given how much they talked on the phone. The socializing is what i cant get over.

Am I a push over for wanting to make it work? I dont want to be hurt like this again..

A push over for want to make it work? Absolutely not!

You will be a push over if you find she deceived you further and do nothing. Then yes.

Stay strong. Keep a level head. I was going to add that you should take everything she says with a grain of salt. But you might need a salt shaker instead.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
thanks walkonmars. i do find my self hoping to find she lied more to make it easy. i was so happy when i knew i loved her. i hate not knowing any more.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
Am I a push over for wanting to make it work? I dont want to be hurt like this again..
You are not a push over. You love her. It's perfectly natural.

Now think about it from another POV.

People rarely change. It takes a huger effort, ability to instrospection, perseverance. The chances a proven cheater is going to repeat are huge unless the make the hard work on themselves. Still there's no garantees.

You are basicaly in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, with no responsabilities. Life is fun and carefree... and she's already cheating. WTF! What's going to happen when you have a mortage, a couple of kids, life become mundane, too busy for quality times, tons of disapointments, arguments, resentments, get used to each other... see what I mean?

If she repeats this years ahead you will be more invested (I'm not minimizing the dept of your love, the emotional investivment you have), way more you can imagine. The aftermath of cheating with the baggage of kids, finances, extended families.-. is simply horrible.


That's why people who are cheated when they are young, young couples without kids are almost always encoraged to run.


I will support you whatever decision you take.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
thanks walkonmars. i do find my self hoping to find she lied more to make it easy. i was so happy when i knew i loved her. i hate not knowing any more.
You don't leave she does. Tell her in fact to move in with the "friend"! Man that really sux.:mad:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,656 Posts
Unfortunately cheaters lie 3 times could be 9 ect. If you want to try to work this out she has to Get tested for stds you could demand a polygraph test for her. Take your time and think about it and don't have sex until the tests come back
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
She was the best thing that ever happened to me. We have been thru so much I can’t just walk away. (1) I want to work things out but I don’t know if I can forgive her. She says she will do anything for my forgiveness. I get the sex and the affair hurts but all the lying to my face from the two of them for three weeks is ripping me apart.

There is a lot of extenuating circumstances so I will try to explain some history. We are young. 25 years old and got married at 18. No kids. (2) We have been trying to introduce other women and other couples to the bedroom. She recommended I could sleep with other women while I was gone and she could sleep with other women as well. I said I would rather not sleep with other women then allow her to be with other men. She told me its ok for me to do it as long as we told each other and she won’t sleep with men. I feel it was a huge mistake to be with other women and I regret it.

So again (3) I get her sleeping with someone else and I get her doing it with him for reasons I can’t get into right now but can discuss later. What I don’t think get over is the three weeks of lying to my face about it. I don’t know if I can ever trust her again because how well she lied to me.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I want to leave but can’t imagine a life without her.
1) In your eyes, the betrayal of lying to your face for the couple of weeks after you came back was worse than the extramarital affair itself. I have this strange feeling that if she would have confessed right away that you would have actually been OK with it overall, even if the affair sex hurt you. I think you are splitting something into parts that should not be split. Both are the same, continuing action. She betrayed your trust by first bedding your friend and then the two of you lying to your face about it. Splitting it into 2 separate events confuses the situation to be honest. However...

2) ...you opened the door to this behavior. So you wanted the threesome (foursome) experience to bring spice into the marriage? Was it your idea, because it seems to be originally slanted more heavily in your favor by the two of you trying to seek out women and couples as opposed to men only. These ideas generally blow up in the married couples faces - especially the man's - because you're playing with fire when you try to add outsiders to the relationship. In reality, and assuming your wife is bi-curious if not equally attracted to women, your wife could just as easily become attached to a female as a male. It's not safer for the marriage if the 3rd party is a woman as opposed to a man. Stop pursuing it altogether, because if you don't your marriage will fail.

3) You can understand why your friend and your wife would sleep together? That implies that there must have been some red flags that you knew about but did not pursue? So when your wife green lighted you to go ahead and cheat with other women, didn't you think that something bad would be going on at your home? Your instincts should have kicked into high gear and you should have been on guard.

Bottom line, if the two of you are still in love and want to make this marriage work, you need to toss out the idea of bringing other people into your bedroom to start. The fact you were actively pursuing something like this, IMHO, brought down your wife's inhibitions to pursue an extramarital affair. Also, the two of you need to become 100% transparent because you need to rebuild trust on both sides. You may not have strayed in your marriage, but actively seeking out threesomes is not poison to a marriage. Your mindset right now cannot be trusted, and you need to be accountable to your wife too so that the 2 of you can rededicate yourselves to each other 100% EXCLUSIVELY.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
1. Inviting others into your sex life is almost guaranteed to split you apart. That's something you do with a friends with benefits partner, someone with whom you are not interested in having a long-term relationship, not someone with whom you are in love and with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Whose idea was it initially to bring others into the bedroom?

2. Have you considered the possibility that your wife may have planned this in advance, even before you went away? That's what my suspicion is. I think she knew you were going away, urged you to screw around, then lined up your friend for whom she always had the hots, justifying to herself that it was OK because you were getting some, too. How is it that she actually urged you to hook up with other women when you were away? That's not what your original plan was, it was to have threesomes and foursomes, not have sex with outside parties without each other present. You really did not want her to have another man without you present, but obviously she did not feel the same about you being with other women. Why not? Do you think you care more for her than she does for you?

3. If they had easy access to each other and were in frequent contact, there is about 100 percent chance that three times in three months is a whopping lie . Why does she say they limited it to three times? How many texts and how many hours of calls were there? Is there any pattern to when they contacted each other? Any gaps at night or other times when they said they hooked up?

4. The lies and the trickle truth (telling you the truth in bits and pieces over an extended time period) are what most betrayed spouses find the hardest to get over, so you are not alone. When caught, the possibility that the cheater will lie and trickle truth is about 100 percent. I'm not kidding. Look at the other threads here and see if you can find a single one where the cheater told the whole truth right off the bat. Even when they confessed out of guilt and not because they were found out by their spouse.

5. Why did she say she did it? It just happened? It was your fault? It was only fair because you were hooking up with other women?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,629 Posts
2. I think she knew you were going away, urged you to screw around, then lined up your friend for whom she always had the hots, justifying to herself that it was OK because you were getting some, too.

I definitely agree with this. The OP acknowledged that they were in contact before he left. This was clearly planned in advance.


3. If they had easy access to each other and were in frequent contact, there is about 100 percent chance that three times in three months is a whopping lie . Why does she say they limited it to three times?

I missed the part where the wife claimed it only happened 3 times. I assumed it was throughout the summer - probably 20 or more hookups. That would be my guess. Easy if you assume that they shacked up on the weekends during the 3 months of summer.
OP, your wife is lying to you. You already mentioned a polygraph. Probably not a bad idea if you want to get to the root of this quickly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,948 Posts
Yup, you're young at 25. And no kids.

In a marriage this new and she's cheating already with the mindset that it's okay for you to cheat. If you stay with her, it'll make for a long-term rocky marriage.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
Do you realize that she likely already had him planned and lined up even before you were gone? He telling you to cheat while gone was her setting you up to have no leg to stand on if you caught her.

They hay ave been cheating even before you left.

My advice:
1. Exposé him on cheaterville.com
2. Polygraph for her
3. Of course you have cut the OM completely out of both your lives?
4. Full access to her phone and email
5. Put a var in her car
6. Exposé her cheating to close family and friends.

Do not rug sweep.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,984 Posts
Read about sunk cost fallacy..

What you want and what the reality is are different issues..Ignoring the reality will only leave you in a much worse position.

The fact is, she cheated on you..You will have to live with for the rest of your life. Give some thought on whether you can trust her with the rest of your life. You do not want her cheating on you after you guys have kids. Right now, you are no position to look at the situation objectively. Take some time before you decide to reconcile.

The cheating was planned, not a drunk mistake. And she was caught, she did not confess. She would have kept cheating if you hadn't caught her. She is probably still lying about the affair and minimizing it..

If she has an iphone, you can recover the texts easily.

Good luck
 
1 - 20 of 61 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top