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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone, this is my first post.

Background first: We have been married almost 15 years and together for almost 21, she was my highschool sweetheart. We have 2 boys together 8 and 16 and she has a son she had at 15 who is 22 years old (does not live with us). We had a house together but when i got laid off we had to rent it out in hopes of coming back. Now we are doing a short sale to get out of the headache and pressure. In the meantime we have all been living at my parents house in one bedroom (the 4 of us) it has been just over 2 years now. I get the situation is difficult but we all have to endure it until we move out early this year. (that was the plan anyway)

Where it started:

I have always loved my wife no matter what, she has some self esteem issues regarding her weight but I have never complained or told her she had to go to the gym. I've been trying to get her to be spontaneous and send me a picture of herself in the bathroom showing something naughty, everytime and I mean everytime I had to ask her to do this for me. It became a fight just trying so I gave up, in May of 2012 she sent me the first picture by herself ever, but 2 weeks later I found out she not only sent it to another guy but I wasn't even first. I got the crummy seconds.

After the picture we fought even more and more because it was difficult to get her to do anything even though I would compliment her appearance and the way she dressed, in fact about 70% of her wardrobe I helped pick out. Fast forward to new years eve, she wants some time apart! We fought and on new years day she moved to her mom's house, I kept the kids because they each have beds here and will have to sleep on the floor over there.

On her first friday of being a separated woman (keep in mind i agreed to her time apart) She told me on the phone just as she left work that she was going to have dinner with her sister and I believed her. One hour later I find out she is at his house and she is going to dinner with him! The reason I know where she was is because I tracked her on "Find my iPhone". But I was able to keep her from having dinner with him needless to say now I am the bad guy for tracking her.

Two days later we decided to finally go to church for the first time in our relationship and it seems to have worked a little, she sees that she can make our marriage work somehow.
I still love this woman! we are gonna go to counseling today and I am hoping for some answers either way so that we can fix this or move on.

My question is: Should I ask her if she is in love with him in the therapy session or before? I am in total anguish and truly heartbroken ever since the picture situation and the part that gets me is that she doesnt even think she is CHEATING because she didnt have sex with him.

I am going crazy and she wont talk to me, I am not keeping the kids from her because her mom is the babysitter and takes the little one to school near her home. I am not ready to walk away but I also dont want to be the guy that begs her to take me back everyday. Wish me luck and if you pray, please pray for me.
 

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Let the counselor lead the way. You say very little and answer direct questions only. Don't get off topic. Answer the question. You will learn more from listening carefully. Even if you disagree with what she says don't say anything. Wait to be asked.

She probably had it in her head that you've failed her by your long-term unemployment. The OM looks mighty attractive, even if he too is unemployed. He's new, different, and a chance for her to change her life.

I'm not surprised she chose new year's day to lay it on you. The day represents new beginnings.

Is it important to you if they have had sex? Because the chances are astronomical that they have. Sex of all kinds because it's not you. New person new and different methods. Things you wouldn't believe she would do.

Accept that as a fact and put it aside if you want to reconcile.

Double your efforts at improving yourelf. Start by looking under every stone for a job. Be persistent. Go back to evey place you've applied and try again.

Work temp jobs, as many as you can get to move out of your folks place.
You won't be attractive to her until you can do that.

It might be best to let her go on her own while you tend to yourself and kids. Your efforts at winning her back will be futile until you can compete with the rest of the herd.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the responses guys, I have been working now for 18 months with a good County job but the pay is half what i used to get. Should I ask her if she has had sex with him tonigh during our session? If its over its over buy she says she wants to try, i took the picture she sent to him really hard and I dont know if i can take it if she did have sex with him. I want the truth from her and I can live with that.

What is VAR?
 

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Thanks for the responses guys, I have been working now for 18 months with a good County job but the pay is half what i used to get. Should I ask her if she has had sex with him tonigh during our session? If its over its over buy she says she wants to try, i took the picture she sent to him really hard and I dont know if i can take it if she did have sex with him. I want the truth from her and I can live with that.

What is VAR?
Voice activated recorder.

And yes, you definitely need to press her on this. If that's your personal breaking point, then you need to know the truth, if only so you can move on.
 

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Thanks for the responses guys, I have been working now for 18 months with a good County job but the pay is half what i used to get. Should I ask her if she has had sex with him tonigh during our session? If its over its over buy she says she wants to try, i took the picture she sent to him really hard and I dont know if i can take it if she did have sex with him. I want the truth from her and I can live with that.

What is VAR?
Voice Activated Recorder
Amazon.com: 8GB USB Pen Drive Digital Audio Voice Recorder 150 Hours: Electronics
 

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How confident are you she will answer truthfully?

You ask and she denies.
Months or years later you discover she lied but her excuse is that you put her on the spot and forced her to lie. What then?

If you're going to ask her tonight then be prepared to have her back it up with a polygraph.
 

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M, always remember this. " cheaters lie. If their lips are moving, they are lying. "

Now ask yourself this.
How close have they really gotten, if she is sending him pics already ??
And it seem she was quick to run to his house, instead of meeting at a restaurant.

Eyes wide open my friend !!!
 

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Don't waste your time asking her to confess to having sex with him. She has had sex with him.

She was sending him sexy pics, obviously she's been having a PA with him since before those. She didn't just decide to randomly send him sexy pics. They were for her bf.

She wanted space to be with him for new years and the holidays. He likely wanted to take her someplace.

She's very obviously cheating and doing so in a very cold planned out way. She is choosing to betray you.

I suggest a var in her car and get her cell records, she'll even now no doubt be keeping in touch with him.

Is he married?
 

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M, always remember this. " cheaters lie. If their lips are moving, they are lying. "

Now ask yourself this.
How close have they really gotten, if she is sending him pics already ??
And it seem she was quick to run to his house, instead of meeting at a restaurant.

Eyes wide open my friend !!!
Yep, all it takes is a quick trip to the store or lunch break....
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks guys, at this point I dont think she has had sex or any other contact with him. I havent really given her the chance to be alone with him. I always call her at work to see if she's there. She brought things up about my attitude from 2004 in our therapy sessions and she confessed to the picture and going to his house for dinner ONLY! Im thinking about getting a vehicle tracker device to find out exactly where she goes in case we do get "D" and I can use it against her if she continues to see him. I'm still in love with this woman and she is the mother of my 2 boys. Its hard to walk away from 21 years. I still feel she is the love of my life and I am still heartbroken about what she has done. I know time heals but these past 7 days have felt like 7 months!
 

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Thanks guys, at this point I dont think she has had sex or any other contact with him. I havent really given her the chance to be alone with him. I always call her at work to see if she's there. She brought things up about my attitude from 2004 in our therapy sessions and she confessed to the picture and going to his house for dinner ONLY! Im thinking about getting a vehicle tracker device to find out exactly where she goes in case we do get "D" and I can use it against her if she continues to see him. I'm still in love with this woman and she is the mother of my 2 boys. Its hard to walk away from 21 years. I still feel she is the love of my life and I am still heartbroken about what she has done. I know time heals but these past 7 days have felt like 7 months!
It would be fascinating if it weren't so painful. I think there must be a protective mental element that literally masks the obvious so that we can deal with the hurt. Perhaps it parcels out the realization a bit at a time so that we can manage the pain. I don't know - the script is simply too predictable to not have some biological meaning.

I hope OP uncovers the truth for himself sooner rather than later.
 

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Sorry you are here with the rest of the BS. Lets be real about this. She sent this man a dirty picture of her self to another man something you have always asked her to do for you. She has already violated boundries, she has done something she did not want you to know about. That is cheating

My wife did the same thing and it was a PA. You should ask her but I would use the GPS traker and a VAR in her car. I am betting it will only take you a few days to find out she is still seeing and have sex with this guy.

Did you expose the A, tell that POS's wife or GF that he is cheating. What does her mother know you should tell her.

Being a nice guy is not the way to go. Do not be passive about this. Get tough right now.
 
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