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Yes, you're correct, op is the one three weeks into this. Keep in mind, we do not know what was happening before that. Everyone can assume....

But maybe depression, or self esteem issues, possibly something that OP is doing is upsetting his spouse, maybe the age/life stage differences are causing a concern, maybe they haven't fostered their affections... there are so many things that can go wrong in relationships. Throwing every other possibility out the window to the point of absolutely no other conversation can happen here will not help.
I'll leave this right here:

Ive been open to her fantasies of seeing other men etc
 

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My wife 3 weeks ago told me point blank first thing in the morning that she loves me but isn't in love with me. This news took a day or so to sink in. The passion in our 17 marriage has had fits and starts but i was shocked that with 3 young children she would tell me this when it will be at least 12 years before the youngest will be old enough to live on her own. I kept my cool on the outside but inside ive had severe anxiety and depression. There are things that she said added up to the conclusion one of them being the 16 year age difference her being the younger. for the last several weeks ive addressed all of the things that were important to her and she has noticed and said that its made a huge difference but we will revisit how things look in a year but she may want to consider and open marriage. Even though she said the attraction isn't there anymore, we have never had such a hot physical streak as the last 3 weeks. Partly because she feels she can trust and get support from me what she is going through. Ive been open to her fantasies of seeing other men etc but told her acting on it could be a place that destroys our family. Even though she says she thinks we can save the marriage she says I should get a girl friend and explore that option. My friends say she is just going through a phase and encourage her to see a couples therapist. She says she doesnt want to and knows how he feels. I cant wait a year to find out if this is going to work out, I feel like i need to ask her to see a therapist so we can work on this now. I dont know if she is just trying to figure out the financials but she really doesnt seem to have any concern for the welding of our children. I am really afraid of this ripping the family apart and losing everything including the whole side of her family. She says we should care enough about each others happiness to be open to any possibily including divorce. I just dont know how I can be happy for the person who broke my heart and ripped our family apart in the middle of tasing our kids. I think tonight is the night I really tell her we really need a 3rd person to sort this out or else there will be great risk to their dads well being(me). Any advice about getting through this?
Everyone here seems to be *assuming* she is in an affair. That doesn't seem to be the OP's opinion at this point. He says it's not part of the equation, no suspicion on his part, no evidence, etc.

And a marriage of over a decade, and 3 weeks of turmoil, so assume she's cheating and throw in the towel? That's horrible advice. Get a PI, go to counseling, get to the root of the issue... Those bits of advice make way more sense. Try to work it out if possible, that seems like a reasonable thing.

And for the record, loveless marriages are hard to endorse. I wouldn't encourage anyone to live that way but... falling out of love with a spouse, or struggling with feelings in a marriage... there are lots of reasons those things happen and can be worked past. They are only THREE weeks into this.
If you look at the bolded parts of his original post, while there is more that I could dig up though out the post, this say it all.

When they give you the ILYBNILWY speech, the are almost always in an affair. When they as for an open relationship, it is almost 100% that they are already cheating.

Now, for most men, the I love you speech would be enough, but with the open marriage part, there is really nothing to do but divorce.

And if he wanted to save his marriage, decisive and strong action, like filing for D, is the only way for this to happen.

What is going on here is 1) he married a woman to hot and too young 2) now that she has had kids he is on the hook for a long time, 3) she is bored with him, and she is currently seeing a younger hotter guy.

Further in these types of cases, she may have never been attracted to him or loved him. She wanted an established successful man to have children with, that part of her life is over, now she wants a young hot stud.

If you think that was are all jumping the gun, read the first 50 threads on any infidelity site and you will see this played out several times.

It is just all too common...
 

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Well, y'all should just admit that you are giving him the generic cut and paste advice. Everyone can add a link to their favorite version of those 50, 100, 1000 prior 'she was cheating' threads and tell him to read them instead of asking for personalized input.

paulpaul.... good luck to you. I hope your friend was right about it being a stage, and I'm happy to read that she has changed her stance a bit and is willing to try working with counselor.
 

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Well, y'all should just admit that you are giving him the generic cut and paste advice. Everyone can add a link to their favorite version of those 50, 100, 1000 prior 'she was cheating' threads and tell him to read them instead of asking for personalized input.

paulpaul.... good luck to you. I hope your friend was right about it being a stage, and I'm happy to read that she has changed her stance a bit and is willing to try working with counselor.
It is not generic but its played out so often and is true 90% of the time, this exact scenario happened to me and since being on this forum I have seen it play out many many times almost word for word it is like watching a sitcom rerun,

Goes Like this OP loves wife and is shocked to receive ILYBNILWY speech, OP panics and tries to do everything 'right' to make partner happy and show why to stay married.

OP insists(i did same) they would never cheat, there is no time, they wouldn't do this to me, this is different, they are different blah blah blah.

Few posts in an new 'friend' comes in to the picture, 'new friend' is just that a friend and nothing else.(happened to me) Op gets accused of being paranoid.

New Friend meets children and they love them

Partner openly dates New friend - OP gets blamed for being such a bad spouse

OP finds out New friend and Spouse have been sleeping together for months and try to live as a happy family or they leave with AP and BS is left to pick up pieces.

read some of my posts and about a thousand others on here, we are just people and human nature is predicable.
 

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The least he could do is separate financials with a separation and begin the 180. He will be in such a better state to effectively parent children and grow some spherical type appendages figuratively. DO NOT ALLOW your children be the handcuffs to your happiness. They need to be a part of it, not apart....You will slowly grow resentment and self pity.

Children have been co-parented for over 50 years now. Some good, some bad.... Just work on being the best dad you can and that means finding a "loving" partner who enjoys the physical you as well as the spiritual one! This will mirror itself in your offspring and THAT is the best medicine for this disease....
 

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The least he could do is separate financials with a separation and begin the 180. He will be in such a better state to effectively parent children and grow some spherical type appendages figuratively. DO NOT ALLOW your children be the handcuffs to your happiness. They need to be a part of it, not apart....You will slowly grow resentment and self pity.

Children have been co-parented for over 50 years now. Some good, some bad.... Just work on being the best dad you can and that means finding a "loving" partner who enjoys the physical you as well as the spiritual one! This will mirror itself in your offspring and THAT is the best medicine for this disease....
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
 

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Well, y'all should just admit that you are giving him the generic cut and paste advice. Everyone can add a link to their favorite version of those 50, 100, 1000 prior 'she was cheating' threads and tell him to read them instead of asking for personalized input.

paulpaul.... good luck to you. I hope your friend was right about it being a stage, and I'm happy to read that she has changed her stance a bit and is willing to try working with counselor.
There is absolutely nothing generic in the assessment of the OP situation.
 

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I’m not in love with you and I want an “open marriage”.

Translation:

I’m having sex with other dudes and want you to babysit and pay bills.
You do whatever and whomever you want to as long as you keep the kids and pay the bills, and you know you’re no longer doing me. Oh,and I’ll feel better about cheating on you if you’ve found some trash that likes to sleep with married men to screw.

So what in these two statements from OP’s wife do you not understand?

It’s clear to me.

OP would have to be stupid to stay in this marriage when his wife has clearly exited.

Even if she’s not cheating and hell is indeed frozen, she wants to be with other men.
 

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no evidence. Ive discussed this and she insists there isn't even a crush. I havent acted weak but I do try to get a reality check from her
No. She has another man or at least someone in mind lined up.

This is why she wants the break.

This is why she's trying, to dull her guilt/she just feels plain sorry for you/trying to keep you occupied, by suggesting you find another woman.

She's already suggested opening up the marriage, what is the next logical conclusion?
 
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