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My wife 3 weeks ago told me point blank first thing in the morning that she loves me but isn't in love with me. This news took a day or so to sink in. The passion in our 17 marriage has had fits and starts but i was shocked that with 3 young children she would tell me this when it will be at least 12 years before the youngest will be old enough to live on her own. I kept my cool on the outside but inside ive had severe anxiety and depression. There are things that she said added up to the conclusion one of them being the 16 year age difference her being the younger. for the last several weeks ive addressed all of the things that were important to her and she has noticed and said that its made a huge difference but we will revisit how things look in a year but she may want to consider and open marriage. Even though she said the attraction isn't there anymore, we have never had such a hot physical streak as the last 3 weeks. Partly because she feels she can trust and get support from me what she is going through. Ive been open to her fantasies of seeing other men etc but told her acting on it could be a place that destroys our family. Even though she says she thinks we can save the marriage she says I should get a girl friend and explore that option. My friends say she is just going through a phase and encourage her to see a couples therapist. She says she doesnt want to and knows how he feels. I cant wait a year to find out if this is going to work out, I feel like i need to ask her to see a therapist so we can work on this now. I dont know if she is just trying to figure out the financials but she really doesnt seem to have any concern for the welding of our children. I am really afraid of this ripping the family apart and losing everything including the whole side of her family. She says we should care enough about each others happiness to be open to any possibily including divorce. I just dont know how I can be happy for the person who broke my heart and ripped our family apart in the middle of tasing our kids. I think tonight is the night I really tell her we really need a 3rd person to sort this out or else there will be great risk to their dads well being(me). Any advice about getting through this?
 

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no evidence. Ive discussed this and she insists there isn't even a crush. I havent acted weak but I do try to get a reality check from her
 

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I'm sorry I can't give you a better more hopeful response but it sounds like she has already moved on I'm afraid.

Check your phone bill she is probably knee deep in an affair. When they give that speech they usually are. Does she work? I bet there are a lot of calls to a number you don't know. She has already told you she wants a boyfriend. Frankly when your spouse tells you that the most appropriate response it "me first" and then dump them.

In this case give her what she wants get a lawyer and serve her. Unfortunately that may be your only chance. What this really is is her wanting to play the field and see if there is better out there. She doesn't want to work on her marriage. This is why she wants you to get a girlfriend. Lots of times when this happens they have been thinking about doing this for a while and got a boyfriend in the process. Again the best you can do is be strong and start the proceedings. It gets more real when the house is gone and she has to take care of 3 kids alone half the time. Usually the boyfriend won't want to deal with it and will dump her. Also if you figure out who he is and he is married sometimes if you tell his wife he will dump her. Unfortunately even in that case then you are stuck with a wife who only wants you because her other option ran out.

Even if she is not cheating her telling you she wants to see other people puts you into the position of plan B. Do you really want that? Do you want to be pining way for a women while she is out dating? There is better for you out there then that.

I know this is very painful but you will get through it. The good news is there are tens of thousands of women out there that you can have a good relationship with. Unfortunately in life things end. Grieve, Get in shape, lift weights, use this time to do stuff you always wanted to. Then move on with your life and be happy. In the end have hope you will have joy again. It just takes time.
 

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My wife 3 weeks ago told me point blank first thing in the morning that she loves me but isn't in love with me. This news took a day or so to sink in. The passion in our 17 marriage has had fits and starts but i was shocked that with 3 young children she would tell me this when it will be at least 12 years before the youngest will be old enough to live on her own. I kept my cool on the outside but inside ive had severe anxiety and depression. There are things that she said added up to the conclusion one of them being the 16 year age difference her being the younger. for the last several weeks ive addressed all of the things that were important to her and she has noticed and said that its made a huge difference but we will revisit how things look in a year but she may want to consider and open marriage.

I suspect you are already in an open marriage but just don't know it yet.

Even though she said the attraction isn't there anymore, we have never had such a hot physical streak as the last 3 weeks. Partly because she feels she can trust and get support from me what she is going through. Ive been open to her fantasies of seeing other men etc but told her acting on it could be a place that destroys our family.

You just put yourself in a losing proposition. Do you really want to share your wife with other men? Good god man you have little or no self respect.

Even though she says she thinks we can save the marriage she says I should get a girl friend and explore that option.

You know why? Because she already has. Your weakness defines you. Obviously she wears the pants in the family and you just do as you're told.

My friends say she is just going through a phase and encourage her to see a couples therapist. She says she doesnt want to and knows how he feels. I cant wait a year to find out if this is going to work out, I feel like i need to ask her to see a therapist so we can work on this now.

A therapist isn't going to get your balls back for you. You're the one that would have to do that. Quit acting like a weak coward and go your own way.

I dont know if she is just trying to figure out the financials but she really doesnt seem to have any concern for the welding of our children. I am really afraid of this ripping the family apart and losing everything including the whole side of her family. She says we should care enough about each others happiness to be open to any possibily including divorce.

Typical cheater dribble

I just dont know how I can be happy for the person who broke my heart and ripped our family apart in the middle of tasing our kids. I think tonight is the night I really tell her we really need a 3rd person to sort this out or else there will be great risk to their dads well being(me). Any advice about getting through this?
You're acting more like a woman than a man. That's probably what's gotten you to this place.

Better wake the hell up.
 

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She has told you she wants to see other men.
Fantasies but told you. Do not get a girlfriend
or even let her think you have. If you do then she
will use that as an excuse to cheat. You did it so I can
type thing. Try and be firm with her about therapist.
If not then maybe divorce as an option. If there is no
sign of cheating not just because she says so. You
can not control what she chooses to do. May be
stop supporting her in everything , She will see
you will not be there if she decides to leave.
Let her see what it would be with out you
there.

She sounds like she has already given up
on the marriage anyways.Maybe she is just
trying to find a way out and blame you.
There maybe someone else already.
Remember not just because she says
there is no body else doesn't make it
true.
 

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No doubt she is seeing at least one other man.

Don’t give her a divorce, DIVORCE her because she is cheating on you and has point blank told you she doesn’t love you.

You can’t wish this away. I know it hurts.
I know you aren’t strong enough to do as we are advising you.
But you’d better find a way or you’re going to be in for a wild, excruciatingly painful ride.

Marc878 has issued the 2x4 to help you wake up.

There’s no need to find out she’s cheating. She is. If you don’t see it, you’re in denial.
I look forward to seeing you exit the denial stage, entering the anger stage (control it), and finally starting to get better when you hit the acceptance phase of this stuff.

I will give one piece of advice. You’re hurting. See a dr and consider some anti anxiety meds and see a lawyer on the way from there.

You truly need a lawyer badly. As much as your next breath of air. Really.

You are showing weakness by not showing resolve. Nothing you say will change her mind. No logic, no plea for amnesty.

She doesn’t love you and you feel your life is over. It isn’t. But you’re in for some pain.
I got through it, you will too. But get through it,don’t wallow in self pity.

Your instinct to not wait a year is CORRECT. That’s just a year of limbo HELL.

She’s cheating.
You need a lawyer.
She is not the only woman you can love.
It sucks.
You’re not the only one it happens to.
 

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no evidence. Ive discussed this and she insists there isn't even a crush. I havent acted weak but I do try to get a reality check from her
She's not going to tell you a thing. Cheaters lie a lot. Always


Acting weak just fortifies her position that there's a stronger better man out there for her.

You're doing yourself no favors man
 

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I went thru this years ago. I wanted to explore and have an open marriage.. Told him to get a girlfriend, he never did. Just hang on tight and maybe it will pass. Keep talking with her and yes I think marriage counseling would be great. Some things are said in counseling that may not be said at home.
 

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Typically, no one realizes they are not feeling 'in love' anymore until they have met someone they feel lust for, and realize they no longer lust for their spouse in the same way. If your wife is not already having an affair, there is probably someone out there she is crushing hard on. (read up on limerence and new relationship energy)

Also, people rarely ask for an open marriage until they already have the new lover picked out. Asking for an open marriage, and suggesting you also get a girlfriend, is basically her way of trying to break the idea of divorce to you gently. If all goes according to your wife's plan, this girlfriend you're supposed to get will be the soft landing so your wife can get around to dumping you. Meanwhile, she gets the comfort of the marriage, and the excitement of her lover. Cake-eating.

Even if she's not cheating (which is unlikely), if she's not devoted enough to you to stay monogamous, is that any way to move forward in a marriage? If you don't want an open marriage, start divorce. This isn't just about what she wants, you know.
 

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See if any of the following apply

1. HE'S UNHAPPY WITH YOU.
2. HER PHONE IS TIED TO HER ALL THE TIME
3. SHE SUDDENLY HAS HER PHONE/COMPUTER PASSWORDED AND SHE DOES NOT SHARE IT WITH YOU
4. SHE IS LOOKING TO IMPROVE HERSELF....WORKING OUT, GETTING DRESSED SEXIER, LOSING WEIGHT
5.WANTS TO GO OUT WITH THE "GIRLS"
6. LOSE OF TIME (GOING SHOPPING FOR HOURS)
7. SUDDENLY NEW TECHNIQUES IN THE BEDROOM
8. THINKING OF PLASTIC SURGERY
9. LIKES THE ATTENTION OF OTHER MEN
10. NEW APPS ON THE PHONE (WHAT'S APP, KIK, FIT PAL, ETC)
11. DATA RATE EXPLOSION SUDDENLY
12. TAKES SEXY SELFIES
13. BUYS NEW SEXY LINGERIE, BRAS AND PANTIES BUT NOT FOR YOU
 

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She is already cheating .... it is very obvious. As the days/weeks go by you will learn that everyone here is right.
Your story is classic and will play out like all the others here. You will deny until you can finally accept. Make your
best effort to get to the accept part.

I love you but not in love with you ...... this is when they want all their domestic requirements met by you, and sex needs met elsewhere.

Your about to have your world turned upside down .... very shortly you will find out she is cheating..prepare yourself....have a plan.
 

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Sorry OP but you have to be ready to divorce and move on. Ask yourself, is an open marriage what you desire? If not, and it doesn't seem that way, then you are going to be crushed when she starts acting out her fantasies, which as others have pointed out, she probably already is.

The longer you wait to take things into your hands, the worse it is going to get.
 

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Wake up and smell the coffee!


Shes trolling and your plan B!


Sorry your in this situation. Lbut you have to take the bull by the horns.

Call a lawyer get your duck in a row! The file for divorce!


After only talk to her about the kids!
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Well at 4 am she noticed i wasn't sleeping se we talked and hesitantly she agreed to do counciling. I told her she was either all in with the counciling or no go. i said i cant wait a year to see how you feel about us, we either work towards this now or Lets just end this now and save time. She said no dont i will do the counciling. I also told her that I want to strengthen our spiritual foundation as a couple which is weak also. thanks cc48kel. I didnt want to pull the rip cord just yet. She told me that 3 weeks ago she was ready to end the marriage but since we've been talking and working on this she is not sure thats what she wants. Hopefully the councilor will help her understand the phase she is going through.
 

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Sorry OP but you have to be ready to divorce and move on. Ask yourself, is an open marriage what you desire? If not, and it doesn't seem that way, then you are going to be crushed when she starts acting out her fantasies, which as others have pointed out, she probably already is.

The longer you wait to take things into your hands, the worse it is going to get.
Sadly if all reported she said, she said, shes already detached and planning an exit with or without an OM.

Courage and strength to you. But you'll get thru this and find a better mate. Sucking up for a year for something likely not your fault is intentional manipulation by W.
I'm sorry to voice my opinion on that.

Good luck.
 

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I keep recommending this in every post... but
Go read "no more mr. nice guy" and "hold on to your nuts"

Both books will give you a good perspective on what you need to do in your life to improve it, and as a side effect, improve your wives perspective of you.
 

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Well at 4 am she noticed i wasn't sleeping se we talked and hesitantly she agreed to do counciling. I told her she was either all in with the counciling or no go. i said i cant wait a year to see how you feel about us, we either work towards this now or Lets just end this now and save time. She said no dont i will do the counciling. I also told her that I want to strengthen our spiritual foundation as a couple which is weak also. thanks cc48kel. I didnt want to pull the rip cord just yet. She told me that 3 weeks ago she was ready to end the marriage but since we've been talking and working on this she is not sure thats what she wants. Hopefully the councilor will help her understand the phase she is going through.
I understand that you don't want to accept what everyone, for the most part is telling you, but buddy, you really need to.

And like Marc said, of course you are being weak with her, as you should have filed for divorce a long time ago.

If you wanted to spend the time an money, you would find proof of her infidelity, but I guess you are just smarted than everyone, that is why your marriage is going so well.

I won't waste your and everyone else's time posting on your thread, because you are so sure that you have everything handled that you went to the internet for advice.

BTW, do you see some incongruities in that last statement?

When a woman like your wife is having and affair, going to MC is a complete waste of time and it only serves to make you look like more of a fool when you find out about the actual affair.

For her, it allows her to say, well we went to MC, and I did not screw my BF that day, but MC did not help.

I hope that you will take some of the advice offered, it will help you through this situation...
 
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