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Hello,


This is the second thread I've posted on this site. The first one was about my frustrations with my wife and her possible infidelity and other issues. In that thread I explained how I wanted us to try counseling and work on things. She said no and asked me to move out. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...how-should-i-proceed-my-unhappy-marriage.html

Now, when faced with the choice to just try with me or not she completely thrust a dagger right into my heart and into our family with 2 small children. If you read the last thread, then you will see that I was not perfect but I did not deserve this.

A couple weeks ago she text me that she was going to a Halloween party with someone from work a girlfriend. I had a bad vibe about it as she has been acting very secretive and hiding things. Long story short, I was able to record a phone call between her and her best friend as she described while giggling and laughing how she didn't go to any Halloween party buy went to her " little friends" house and how yummy he was. It went on and on. She then gleefully talks about how she almost has me convinced to move out of our house. She is utterly happy at the thought of our family being torn to shreds and our kids who I am involved with heavily and extremely attached to dealing with the effects. This occurred this past Saturday and I heard the recording on Sunday while away.

She did this while I lay in bed with our feverish 2yr old sleeping on my chest. I am seriously stuggling with this. This past week has been the hardest n my life. I have Cried more than my entire life. At work, I can't focus. I have to hide in a bathroom when I need to cry, I realize a man isn't supposed to do this. I felt my world crumbling around me and she has nothing but contempt from me. I asked her if we could try counseling and 2 days later she is banging some dude. She made her choice. But how could she?

People say I will be happier I the end and I don't see it, I'm talking to a lawyer and preparing for the hardest time of my life. Not seeing my kids every day will kill me. I just do not see how I will function. And all of this right before the holidays. I don't know if I can do this.
 

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Have you exposed her? If not go nuke on her.

DO NOT leave the house. Keep a voice recorder on yourself incase she tries to get you arrested with false domestic violence claim.
The day I found out I got some advice to not say anything and document when she leaves the kids with you to go "play" so that I have more ammunition in a potential custody fight. So for the first few days I didn't even look at her. My eyes were always red from crying and I stopped eating and sleeping. I made and appointment for a therapist and explained the situation. I was holding it in. The therapist said to confront her but be careful.

The other day when I got up she was in the kitchen and she gave me a dirty look and I just started going off, I told her I be her party was fun and that she disgusts me. She tried to act dumb and I just said don't bother with the lies when I know the truth. I said I finally know I was right about her all along, and that I hope she sleeps well at night. This started to get very heated and she got in the car and left. What's funny is that she doesn't know how I know. She just knows I know and as soon as that happened she just started pressing me to move out. She then threatened to move an hour away with the kids if I don't leave. I am seeking legal advice at this time.

When she was faced with the ugly truth she just wants to escape the situation, I told her to hit the damn road but don't take the kids. I realize this is a horrible environment for my kids and it needs to be fixed. At the end of the day I will be having to deal with her on sharing them I guess but right now I can't even stand the sound of her voice.
 

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Here is what you do:

Get some things that are her's, mainly her clothes, put them in a trash bag, dump it on your lawn, and tell her
"Here are some of your clothes. If you want to claim the rest, You may do it at 'such-and-such time' when I am home. If you don't claim them by this date, I will sell some, and burn what I can't sell."

Then, you change the locks.
And call a lawyer, and file for divorce, and let her know "I am not going to be a plan B."
And you pull a 180. Which easiest way to describe this is zero communication. She calls you to say she is sorry? You don't answer. She texts you to ask if she can pick up her stuff, and ask how you are doing? You tell her "You know what time you can pick up your crap." And that's it. She leaves a voicemail asking how you are doing? Don't respond. She send you an email? She just got added to your spam filter.

Now, while you may want to reconcile, there is a reason for this:
Women tend to fall in love with their affair partner. Then when they realize it won't be going anywhere, they are desperate. But you have to make them realize it won't be going anywhere. So you file and 180 her, and she'll either realize it, or she'll be to stupid to realize it, and then you'll be good to cut her off.

So if she comes back and says "I want my plan B," you can either say "I'll be your plan B," or say "Well, hotel is that direction, and the divorce finishes Thrusday. See ya."

Just because they want to reconcile doesn't mean they deserve it. If you snap her out of the fog (chemical induced state of mind where WW do a lot of stupid things and can't realize what they are doing) she still needs to prove that: You are her FIRST choice, not her plan B, and that she will never do this again to you.
Because until she does that, you will only be setting yourself up to get hurt again if you take her back.

EDIT:
And cut off her access to any joint accounts, credit cards, etc.
You don't want her leaving you with a $100k credit card debt present.
 

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You're in a terrible spot; sorry about that.

I can only speak for myself, but I am 100% certain that if I was in your shoes, right now, I would never kiss, hug, sleep with or express affection towards her ever again. I would fully embrace that reality. Every thought I have going forward would be rooted in knowing that I can never be intimate with this person again

Sure, I would be sad, and sure, I might cry (in private), and sure, my heart would feel like someone is squeezing it 24/7, but just as sure as I am of those things, I'm also sure that her influence on my feelings will fade over time and I'll be ok.

The statement she made about her "little friend" would seal my heart; I'm not even sure if I would even utter another word to such a person. I would find someone to be the liaison for me to negotiate arrangements for shared custody.

There is not one shred of information about her you need to gather anymore; you know all you need to know.

T
 

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I remember, years ago, an advert in our local paper: it went something like this:

Mr Augustine Purkiss of 33, Acacia Avenue, Little Snoring, hereby announces that of the date of publication of this notice he is no longer responsible for any debts incurred by his wife, Mairwen Purkiss, late of the above address.
 

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Keep snooping. Maybe you get info to use it to treaten exposure. Maybe you can manage to force OM to f0ck himself. You don't want him at your home, tucking your childrens right?

Just a piece of advice. Get a VAR now! Carry it with you every time. She sounds of the type to make up false alegations of violence.
Talk to a lawyer, a dad's friendly divorce lawyer, find your rights, file as soon as you can, be sure she can't take the kids away of you.

Your wife is not your wife anymore, she despise you, she's planning to get rid of you. Only I don't think she has sound advice.
Think about you and your childrens.

Embrace the 180, live it.
The 180 degree rules
 

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So sorry. This is almost the exact same thing my wife did to me 6 months ago. You have to STAY in your house with your children. I was able to accomplish that by pulling myself together for a half hour and in a friendly, calm tone convince her that the house would just be too much responsibility for her and she would be freer to pursue what she wants if she got her own place.

You know if such a tactic would work with your wife, but do whatever you can to get her out. Then change the locks. This is now her abandoning you and the children. I filed for divorce and do not have to pay her any child support for my daughter since she's with me here in the house which is her main residence.

My court hearing is this upcoming Wednesday, and she's calling crying and begging to come home, no dice. The 180 has worked for me, not that I want her back, once she moved in with the OM that ended it for good. What it did was help me to heal and look forward.

It will hurt and take some getting used to having your children part time, but you might find out she won't want them that much, she's selfish. If you start having anxiety/panic attacks and can't sleep, get to a shrink and get some meds if you need to, you have to function for your children and stay on your game dealing with your wife.

This is absolute hell, but you WILL survive it. It will get better, please read up on the 180. You can be with a better woman who loves and respects you and marriage vows.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
It will be more than difficult but keep your cool. Think about protecting your children.

Be strategic and tactical in your dealing with your cheating wife.

She is an expert in blame shifting and making you out to be the bad guy. IN HER MIND.

See, she cannot accept that what she is doing, being a *****, is anything but that.

Consult with a lawyer, get an order in place for child custody pronto.

Do not lose your temper with her. She still try push your buttons.

She is not the wife you thought you married. When someone shows you who they are, it is a gift.

Even if it is to find out how cruddy they are.

I got home on Thursday after a 12 hour day at work and she as I sat down with my kids on the couch hugging them she stormed out of the bedroom and just said "they've been fed, they just need baths and be put to bed." and with that she left, I chased her out the door asking why she is doing this? That this is wrong, and whe she slammed the door on me I told her to have fun whorring around. My anger got the best of me. I have no idea what time she got home. The next morning we had it out again. I love how she tried to deny it but then she isn't quite sure how much I know. I did not tell her I have a recording. I have the recorder copy and a copy on my phone which can be shared via gmail.

I have spoken to a few lawyers nd most say the best I could hope for was 50/50. Unless she's some kind of crackhead, criminal with a record they never give a father primary. But I do want the house, she not bringing that crap around my kids.
 

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You're in a terrible spot; sorry about that.

I can only speak for myself, but I am 100% certain that if I was in your shoes, right now, I would never kiss, hug, sleep with or express affection towards her ever again. I would fully embrace that reality. Every thought I have going forward would be rooted in knowing that I can never be intimate with this person again

Sure, I would be sad, and sure, I might cry (in private), and sure, my heart would feel like someone is squeezing it 24/7, but just as sure as I am of those things, I'm also sure that her influence on my feelings will fade over time and I'll be ok.

The statement she made about her "little friend" would seal my heart; I'm not even sure if I would even utter another word to such a person. I would find someone to be the liaison for me to negotiate arrangements for shared custody.

There is not one shred of information about her you need to gather anymore; you know all you need to know.

T
Yes, I have never been a cryer. I just don't cry even when sad about something usually. But this is different. I have cried to the point it hurts my face. I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be able to man up and deal with this.

Whe she said her "little friend" thing she mentioned that he stood herr up twice before so this definitely wasn't a isolated thing, he could be one of many friends. It just kills me,
 

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What ever you do.. DON'T LEAVE! Act cool as hard as it is, believe me its hard.. but stay strong. Don't give her conversation.. go about your daily life.. if she starts acting crazy ignore her! Go to a lawyer and file for a divorce or better yet let her file.. make it hard for her with in the divorce. If you want to keep the kids and the house and want her out... let her file! Trust me.. she will go nuts and file herself since she cheating. Been in your shoes, just the other way around! I hate cheaters! Im really sorry you have to go thru this.. just forget about the pain and think with your head about every move you make.
 

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Thanks all for the fast replies. For the ones that have mentioned it yes I am carrying a recorder for the event she tries any false dv stuff.

Also, no I have no idea who the OM is. The first couple days I was pouring over phone records and trying to find out but stopped due to exhaustion. At this point I don't think I even care who he is.
 

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I think you should find who the OM is and expose him if he is married. I'm sure if you were his "wife" you would have want to know how much of a scum he was as well.
 

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I think you should find who the OM is and expose him if he is married. I'm sure if you were his "wife" you would have want to know how much of a scum he was as well.
I wish I could. But now she knows I know, so I'm sure she is going to be super careful. Plus, I found she has been using an instant messaging app on her phone so nothing shows up in phone records. And of course she will never tell me. Unless there is some other way to find out, but I'm trying to keep my focus on my kids right now.
 

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Ok.. if the car she drives is under your name.. you can put a GPS on it and follower her! Its your car so its legal lol Catch her right in the act :) with all the tech on phones and internet you not gonna find nothing. You can connect the gps to your phone and watch everything from your phone! Its a beautiful thing lol
 

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I wish I could. But now she knows I know, so I'm sure she is going to be super careful. Plus, I found she has been using an instant messaging app on her phone so nothing shows up in phone records. And of course she will never tell me. Unless there is some other way to find out, but I'm trying to keep my focus on my kids right now.
Can a family member or a close friend follow her next time she goes out? An address would be enough to get names and other info on the guy.

You could even drop another voice recorder in the car, it might catch her talking and mentioning his name/address.
 
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