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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello fellow broken hearted. Married 12 years, together for 15. 2 children, 8 and 5. We've worked opposite schedules for years - me in the day, she at night as a waitress. This so the kids wouldn't have to be in daycare. She's always been VERY insecure - basically accused me of cheating our entire relationship (I NEVER once did). I grew tired and resentful of always having to defend my faithfulness. But I remained a committed, loving husband. Never went out, always let her sleep as late as she wanted and I'd take care of the kids.

November 20th was my daughter's birthday. I'm at work, in the middle of a huge. high pressure project. She texts me "I can't do this any more". And she proceeds to end it via text, on my baby's bday. I said OK. She then changed her mind, begged me to work it out. I initially said no. Then eventually relented. She said "I'll quit the bar, go to counselling". I said OK. She went to get ready for work, came downstairs and said "I can't do it. Too much pressure". And left. I texted her "Is there another man?" She said "does it matter?". LOL. WTF! Ahhhh, yes. She admitted to it. She had been sleeping with an old school friend who started frequenting her bar. Turns out he's a hell's angel. Coke dealer, thug. Real ****ing winner. And because our iphones are synced, he was in my contacts. His thumbnail pic? The 2 of them kissing.

Gutted. Completely. So we separated. Agreed on split custody. As a knee jerk reaction I went out immediately and started dating. She told me it had been over with this guy for a while. But she slept with him again once during our separation. She got tested for STD's and is clean (thankful for that bit of mercy).

Her reason for the affair was that she felt emotionally abandoned by me. No passion. Just room-mates, blah blah. The usual I suppose. She thought I didn't love her any more. We kept things civil for the kids - no fighting. Amicable.

She said several times that she tried to think of ways to make it work, but she knows being the man I am I could never forgive her for cheating, and she couldn't live that way. I said right.

I ended up dating this Irish gal. I'm a musician and did very well in my few weeks as a single guy. No problems there. It was fun (well, it masked the pain).

On Dec 21 I ended up sleeping with this woman. The next day, my wife texts me "did you play last night? Did you go out with a girl? Did you sleep with her?". I was honest. She lost her ****. Oh the irony. She was a mess and I told her to come over and I'd take care of her (just offered comfort, support). She wasn't angry - just devastated. Next day she tells me she felt my love again and felt so safe with me. She asked if I thought I could ever forgive her, and will I fight for our marriage.

Long story short, we are back together, in counselling. She is looking for other work. Our passion is back and we've reconnected. A lot of love making, talking, making time for each other. It's been great. She hit rock bottom. Said she was out of her body - didn't care about anything and was on self-destruct. She has real issues from her past too that caused her insecurity (father abandonment and sexual abuse stuff - her sister, not her - but while she was in the same bed). She is going to go to a therapist on her own too.

She has constantly expressed true remorse, guilt, shame. Now she's fearful I'll change my mind and leave her. We're working through that stuff.

I do believe we have what it takes to come out of this stronger, closer. I need to make changes too. She said the turning point was a few months back when she came to me with a list of things she needed from me. 1. Flowers once in a while 2. More affection/attention 3. Help around the house. Because I was resentful of the cheating accusations, I said no. I wouldn't do those things. She said that's when she turned away.

But I am having a hell of a time dealing with her infidelity. It's brutal (as you all know). I think I'm doing good then it comes to mind. And it shatters me. I did all this reading about forgiveness and "are you man enough to forgive your wife's infidelity" and the power of letting go. She goes on about how amazing I am, what a strong and kind man I am for giving her a second chance. But man alive, is it hard.

I've made the choice to reconcile. She's thrilled, the kids are thrilled. I hate not having control over my emotions and the pain. I still get struck with disbelief, bewilderment that it actually happened. But it DID.

Does it get easier? It'll never go away, I know that. Am I weak for taking her back? Am I a fool? Is it my ego that makes me question?

This ****ing SUCKS.
 

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So sorry you're here. Please read the newbie link in my signature. It DOES suck, hugely. :(

Two things that must be there for a successful R. This is a c&p of a previous post I made about my own R:

"There are two reasons I think our R is so successful so far. I say so far because I don't believe it will ever be 'over'. We will always be living post-affair. It's like living after a war or the death of a loved one or a cataclysmic event like 911. Everything gets talked about as 'before' or 'after'.

Anyway. Two reasons. The first is that I let him go, or rather kicked him out. I was DONE. I hated him and never wanted to lay eyes on him again. What he did spelled the end of our marriage. This freed me up to work on myself. I went to IC and changed some things up around the house and lived with just the kids again (I was also a single mom for 7 years when they were little) and I realized that I actually liked it. I liked myself and I liked my life. This in turn led to the discovery that, if I had the choice, I actually DID want him in my life. I actually did love him. This surprised me, because it was a complete 180 from the way I felt on D day. So I decided that we would try R.

The second reason is the way he is now. There is VERY little he hasn't done that a WS should and needs to do. He owns his sh!t. He works hard every day to help me recover and to keep our marriage getting better. And he does it all with an attitude of remorse. He doesn't balk at what he needs to do. Even this long past the first Dday I can tell him that something triggered me and he is apologetic and fusses over me. The fact he is this way has meant that I can be that way with him too, when he needs me to be. "
 

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Hey - I couldn't even find my way to work right after D day - I'd worked there for 15 years.
I drove off the road 2 days after DDay and wrecked a company car.
 

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Shes only back with you because you're the safe choice.

Drug dealers don't make the best providers.

Don't kid yourself about why she came back just because of some sex. Make sure your counselor knows this or it won't be too long before you get another "I can't do this" text

And tell her she can't pull that sh!t again. That if she walks out again its done cause its not fair to you or the childen and she is using it it as an unfair escape, and when you take her back each time it only makes her more likely to continue doing it anytime things get awkward or rough.

And who the hell breaks off a marriage by text anyways? She definitely has confrontation issues and that has to be hammered away as well if you want to have at least a semblance of security in marriage.
 

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It's a gamble for you. You've known her a long, long, time. You have kids together.

Did she indulge in drugs w her xBF?
Are drugs part of her/your culture?

To answer your question, No you're not a fool or weak. You have a lot at stake, it will not be easy for you. So, if you are going to invest in that effort then go "all in". Otherwise it's not worth it, not even for the sake of the children. It won't be better for them if you two are constanly bitter.

Counseling with a competent MC experienced with infidelity in marriage can help both of you.

Agree to discuss your feelings of betrayal and her feelings of insecurity but limit them to times when the kids are out of earshot. And agree to time limits for each discussion.

She MUST quit that job today. Not next week, or tomorrow -today. Get another daytime job. Even at McDonalds. Immediately.

She must agree to lose her friends at the bar - FOREVER.

You need to be sure you are home when she is.

You need to carry your family on your back for a while if it is to survive.
 

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Your not week your trying to protect what you have. You would be the fool if it happened again. She needs to heavy lift dude, everyday. until you are satisfied. That could be a long time.Does it get easier, in some respects yes. I think a different problem exists, in regards to her AP being an HA. They run with a rough crowd, hopefully for you and your family's sake that person is gone forever. You for sure don't need that headache on top of a heartache. Make sure you read the newbie stuff. I did, it will help. I'm sure the Vets' will chime in soon and give you more angles and perspectives besides my 2 cents. Good Luck.
 

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She has to find another job if she hasn't already.

The pain of betrayal will be with you for a long time to come, but it will get better as good memories replace the bad. If you love her and you think she is 100% in, then you can make it better together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thanks all. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...if anything like this happened again, that would be the end. No question there. And she knows that. Can't believe I'm giving her a 2nd chance at all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Your not week your trying to protect what you have. You would be the fool if it happened again. She needs to heavy lift dude, everyday. until you are satisfied. That could be a long time.Does it get easier, in some respects yes. I think a different problem exists, in regards to her AP being an HA. They run with a rough crowd, hopefully for you and your family's sake that person is gone forever. You for sure don't need that headache on top of a heartache. Make sure you read the newbie stuff. I did, it will help. I'm sure the Vets' will chime in soon and give you more angles and perspectives besides my 2 cents. Good Luck.
That was definitely a concern at the start (the HA thing). She assures me he respects it and is completely out of the picture. Of course I don't know what to believe at all any more.
 

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Are you? Too bad that doesn't make us immune from the cheating epidemic, eh? :( :( :mad: :mad:
 

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I hope this works out for you, I really do......but......I see alot of pain comming your way even if it works. I have prayed for you now, a first on TAM. Good luck and God Bless David
 

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Thanks David. Why/what sort of pain do you see for me?
Hi, TD. I'm not David, but I'll tell you what I see for you. I believe this will be a False Recovery. It appears that you have done nothing to make sure this affair is dead. What do you need to do? This:

She quits her job TODAY.
She gives you all of her passwords to any electronic accounts that she has; cell phone, email, etc.
She writes a letter to OM to FOREVER end contact and explains to him the hurt that her careless actions have caused YOU, her beloved husband.
She is totally transparent in all of her actions; she checks in with you and lets you know where she is and when she'll be home.

If she is willing to do these things, you have a chance. And by the way - marital counselling is usually worthless. I would suggest that you go to Amazon.com post-haste and order the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. Use this as your handbook for recovery.

And don't EVER AGAIN screw another woman to release your hurt and pain or to 'have fun'. She's not a c*m dumpster - she's a human, too!
 

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Shes only back with you because you're the safe choice.

Drug dealers don't make the best providers.
She's only back because she thought he was going to be single and miserable without her. But the minute he slept with someone else, her love came back with a passion.

Cheaters are pretty simple, we can cheat but if you cheat OMG the betrayal, how could you do this.......All this love I suddenly have for you and you had to cheat, wtf.....

It's my toy, I don't want to play with it anymore because it's old and boring and no fun, no passion, doesn't grab my attention anymore but it's still mine. The minute someone else picks it up, all hell is breaking loose, because IT'S MINE!
 
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