[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

I have been married 20 years after dating for 1.5 years. When we dated our sex life and all the accompanying playfulness was perfect and exactly what I wanted. Once we were married, it stopped. I have discussed many times with my husband that I am lonely and I know he loves me, but I need - not just want - but need to feel that he loves me too. He swears he has not cheated on me, and I don't think he has, but no one can be 100% sure except him. I have a very high sexual drive, playfulness and sense of adventure in that department. I would be happy with everyday or more, or at least every couple days. My husband on the other hand is very reserved and tame. Lately it is maybe a couple times a month - which is more than it used to be, but has been as long as 6 months or so between interludes. I want more and more adventerous, which I am pretty sure we had when we dated, but he's not that way now. I have discussed this with him many many many times through the course of our marriage all the different things I want. I have even guided him to what I want and at least half or more, he will not oblige. (Example: kiss my neck here, it really feels nice and I really like it - he may do it once, then not again for months or years later.) I don't know what to do. Sidenote: We have three children ages range from 19 to 3. I am a stay home mom for the last 2 years and even when I worked - I take care of everything except paying the bills. Housework, cooking, shopping, packing lunches, laundry, making beds, decorating for holidays, packing for trips (he does most of the driving when on a trip), cleaning up after kids, getting kids to bed and bathed, getting up in the night with the kids when they were babies - I literally do it all, except paying the bills and the occasional change the lightbulb because I can't reach it, opening a jar that I can't seem to get open or something like that. He has also rejected my advances many many times which has brought me to tears, crying myself to sleep and a huge sense of lonliness and unhappiness. I love my husband and he loves me. It surprises him that I am not happy or content, and has tried to make me feel guilty for what I want, that it is not real and not possible. Or he makes me feel guilty for saying anything, because he takes it I am not satisfied when we do have sex. That is not the case most of the time, I can't tell him that sometimes it is just not enough - I don't want to hurt his ego. I disagree with him and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to rip my family apart either. What do we do? I have suggested him see a doctor to get all his levels checked and all, but he has yet to do so. I have a battle in my head about it - why can't he give me more? Am I being unrealisitic wanting this? Is this a justifiable reason to consider a separation or divorce? I am in my late 30's and not overweight - I am no where near a bodybuilder, but I am not by any means unattractive or unkept. Granted I don't dress in fancy dress, except for him on occasions, which does nothing, hence the reason I have kinda stopped. Any advice? I am tired of being depressed, lonely and crying myself to sleep about it. What can be done to fix it without hurting his feelings? Or am I just asking for too much?

 

[CrazyGuy]

1) Speak up and tell him strait up what you need. He needs to know this needs fixed.
2) Get his testosterone checked.

There are countless guys looking at your post wishing that you where there wife. Do not feel bad, the problem is not you. There are plenty of men and women here that understand how you feel if that helps.

Wish you good luck in getting him to change. Regular sex should be a part of marriage.

 

[Machiavelli]

1) There are countless guys looking at your post wishing that you where there wife.

No question. You need to lay it on the line. Tell him the frequency you want and it better be good. Or else. You only get one shot at life on this planet. Withholding sex is abuse. What makes you think he's not getting it elsewhere?

 

[discouraged1]

I have been married 20 years after dating for 1.5 years. When we dated our sex life and all the accompanying playfulness was perfect and exactly what I wanted. Once we were married, it stopped. I have discussed many times with my husband that I am lonely and I know he loves me, but I need - not just want - but need to feel that he loves me too. He swears he has not cheated on me, and I don't think he has, but no one can be 100% sure except him. I have a very high sexual drive, playfulness and sense of adventure in that department. I would be happy with everyday or more, or at least every couple days. My husband on the other hand is very reserved and tame. Lately it is maybe a couple times a month - which is more than it used to be, but has been as long as 6 months or so between interludes. I want more and more adventerous, which I am pretty sure we had when we dated, but he's not that way now. I have discussed this with him many many many times through the course of our marriage all the different things I want. I have even guided him to what I want and at least half or more, he will not oblige. (Example: kiss my neck here, it really feels nice and I really like it - he may do it once, then not again for months or years later.) I don't know what to do. Sidenote: We have three children ages range from 19 to 3. I am a stay home mom for the last 2 years and even when I worked - I take care of everything except paying the bills. Housework, cooking, shopping, packing lunches, laundry, making beds, decorating for holidays, packing for trips (he does most of the driving when on a trip), cleaning up after kids, getting kids to bed and bathed, getting up in the night with the kids when they were babies - I literally do it all, except paying the bills and the occasional change the lightbulb because I can't reach it, opening a jar that I can't seem to get open or something like that. He has also rejected my advances many many times which has brought me to tears, crying myself to sleep and a huge sense of lonliness and unhappiness. I love my husband and he loves me. It surprises him that I am not happy or content, and has tried to make me feel guilty for what I want, that it is not real and not possible. Or he makes me feel guilty for saying anything, because he takes it I am not satisfied when we do have sex. That is not the case most of the time, I can't tell him that sometimes it is just not enough - I don't want to hurt his ego. I disagree with him and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to rip my family apart either. What do we do? I have suggested him see a doctor to get all his levels checked and all, but he has yet to do so. I have a battle in my head about it - why can't he give me more? Am I being unrealisitic wanting this? Is this a justifiable reason to consider a separation or divorce? I am in my late 30's and not overweight - I am no where near a bodybuilder, but I am not by any means unattractive or unkept. Granted I don't dress in fancy dress, except for him on occasions, which does nothing, hence the reason I have kinda stopped. Any advice? I am tired of being depressed, lonely and crying myself to sleep about it. What can be done to fix it without hurting his feelings? Or am I just asking for too much?

Sorry you are going through this.. but here is what I can tell you! You are not alone, as I read this I felt like it was me that had written it. My wife does and acts the same way and we have been married over 20 years as well.
I have come to the realization regardless of what I say or do.. threaten or compromise to no avail. She just doesn't care or get it, so nothing really changes. Being honest and straight forward does not work either.
Marriage is 50/50 and so I only come to the conclusion it is a live with it or divorce scenario. So I feel as if I am most lonely, confused and hurting person. Marriage should not be like this so I think it will eventually mean a split.
I wish I had some ideas or something that I have tried that would help you.. God knows I have tried!

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

I have told him what I want, in great detail too many times to count throughout the years. I trust him, that's why I don't think he has found someone else. I have even told him that if he doesn't start doing something, then he should let me get a benefit friend. I have asked him way too many times to get his testerone checked. I even worked for a doctor that specialized in that problem, so I understand that is a genuine problem and am very understanding about it. I have asked, but I can't make him do it. Last conversation we had he finally agreed that we were sexually incompatiable, but hasn't done anything that I know of to fix it. I told him I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, that I love him dearly, but I just don't know if it is enough. I have pretty much resigned myself the last several years, I will never be happy with that aspect of my life. I don't want to tear apart my family - according to him everything is fine - we don't fight or anything, but I don't really think it is fair that I am lonely either. I just don't know what to do. It seems as though the only avenue I have is divorce, since he absolutely knows how I feel, but chooses to do nothing about it. He has even stated before that when he does do something, at times it feels as though he is trying to fulfill an obligation. That statement just replays in my head and it just loses what it should mean. When it does happen it is great, but it just isn't near often enough and I am just very unhappy. Does anyone have a mutually sexually happy marriage? Is this a reason to tear a family apart, it seems so selfish of me to break up my family because of sexual incompatability? Is it?

 

[discouraged1]

I have told him what I want, in great detail too many times to count throughout the years. I trust him, that's why I don't think he has found someone else. I have even told him that if he doesn't start doing something, then he should let me get a benefit friend. I have asked him way too many times to get his testerone checked. I even worked for a doctor that specialized in that problem, so I understand that is a genuine problem and am very understanding about it. I have asked, but I can't make him do it. Last conversation we had he finally agreed that we were sexually incompatiable, but hasn't done anything that I know of to fix it. I told him I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, that I love him dearly, but I just don't know if it is enough. I have pretty much resigned myself the last several years, I will never be happy with that aspect of my life. I don't want to tear apart my family - according to him everything is fine - we don't fight or anything, but I don't really think it is fair that I am lonely either. I just don't know what to do. It seems as though the only avenue I have is divorce, since he absolutely knows how I feel, but chooses to do nothing about it. He has even stated before that when he does do something, at times it feels as though he is trying to fulfill an obligation. That statement just replays in my head and it just loses what it should mean. When it does happen it is great, but it just isn't near often enough and I am just very unhappy. Does anyone have a mutually sexually happy marriage? Is this a reason to tear a family apart, it seems so selfish of me to break up my family because of sexual incompatability? Is it?

So do you have any other kind of connection? Kissing, cuddling, etc. or is it just sex when you do have it? He may just be so disconnected.. I know my wife is. We have mechanical sex only!

 

[CrazyGuy]

Yeah it always felt selfish to me to break up a family. But you are far from being selfish. He is the one that is selfish, you got to realize this.

I loved my wife a long time ago. I would have gladly given my life in exchange for hers. I tried to fix this so many times. You are not broke, he is. If you go on for too long you will be broke to. At this point in my life I can say I no longer love my wife. But I feel so messed up myself that I do not know how good of a partner I would be to somebody else. So hear I am, sticking it out because I do not know why.

You can not fix him if he does not want the help. Shake his life up and separate if you tried everything else. Leave before you end up like me. If he loves you he will jump through hoops to get you back.

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

So do you have any other kind of connection? Kissing, cuddling, etc. or is it just sex when you do have it? He may just be so disconnected.. I know my wife is. We have mechanical sex only!

There is always the peck kiss/hug thing when we leave and meet - you know the see ya later or hello half hug peck kiss thing. I do occasionally hug him more intently, but I try not to overdo it because I don't want to put pressure on him about things. I try not to pressure him. And at bedtime, if I go to bed at the same time as him, we initially fall asleep with him laying behind me with his arm wrapped around me. Sometimes I either put his hand under my shirt on my skin, or tell him he can put his hand under my shirt and goodnight is usually a peck kiss and a love ya. I have noticed that I kinda dread going to bed at the same time because I want something that I can't have. He refuses to give me a massage, I used to give him one all the time, but quit when he never reciprocated. He says I want a fairy tale. Does this sound like I want a Fairy Tale?

 

[RClawson]

He is right to think it his obligation because it is. Listen he needs to be straight up with you about it. If he does not want to go to the MD then I tend to think there is something else that he is not letting you in on. Asexual, Bisexual do come to mind. Anything is possible and please do not rule anything else. You have invested 20years of your life in him and this family and you deserve straight talk.

There are many here that can empathize with you on this site. In my experience I have gone through every emotion you have. I started worrying less about us and have begun to focus on me and there have been some positive results but I am looking for greater intimacy both physical and emotional. We used to have it but her outside interests of work have become paramount in her life.

Do not settle, let him know you expect an effort to change or a logical explanation of why he cannot. I would not suggest FWB and he should not expect you to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

I have asked him if there was someone else or if he was interested in same sex. I have asked if there is something about me he doesn't like and he says no to all the above. He just says that everything is fine and that it is different for guys than women and it just can't happen like that and such. I have asked him many times to see a doctor, but he won't. I have thought about a separation so he can see what he feels without me around, but not sure that would work. He has been on a three month straight business trip to a different country and things didn't really change once he got home.

 

[Runs like Dog]

Sex is merely one affect of the calm cool placid middle age-ness your relationship has fallen in to generally. It's only one of many many aspects where you've both fallen into deeply ingrained patterns of 'oh well that's the the way it is now'.

After 2 decades or 7,300 days you've both settled into the path of least resistance. It's not even resentment, it's same-ness. It's the stability of going through the same motions day after day, fulfilling your responsibilities and chores and tasks in order to the keep the machine running. And little else.

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

Sex is merely one affect of the calm cool placid middle age-ness your relationship has fallen in to generally. It's only one of many many aspects where you've both fallen into deeply ingrained patterns of 'oh well that's the the way it is now'.

After 2 decades or 7,300 days you've both settled into the path of least resistance. It's not even resentment, it's same-ness. It's the stability of going through the same motions day after day, fulfilling your responsibilities and chores and tasks in order to the keep the machine running. And little else.

So the relationship has been like this for the most part since we were married 20 years ago - does this mean it will never change and that this is normal? We have little (and I mean little) phases that are a little better, most commonly after I let him know how unhappy I am. I know that there is the comfortable thing, but now with seeing my oldest falling into a relationship and "settling" it feels like I have taught her that it's ok to have that kind of relationship. I don't want my younger two to fall into the same kind of thing nor do I want them to think it is okay to treat someone else that way, but I don't want to make them come from a broken home.

 

[discouraged1]

I have asked him if there was someone else or if he was interested in same sex. I have asked if there is something about me he doesn't like and he says no to all the above. He just says that everything is fine and that it is different for guys than women and it just can't happen like that and such. I have asked him many times to see a doctor, but he won't. I have thought about a separation so he can see what he feels without me around, but not sure that would work. He has been on a three month straight business trip to a different country and things didn't really change once he got home.

Dang that is hardcore right there.. I think most men would have been ready to go at it like rabbits after 3 months. Is he into porn and masturbation alot?

 

[discouraged1]

There is always the peck kiss/hug thing when we leave and meet - you know the see ya later or hello half hug peck kiss thing. I do occasionally hug him more intently, but I try not to overdo it because I don't want to put pressure on him about things. I try not to pressure him. And at bedtime, if I go to bed at the same time as him, we initially fall asleep with him laying behind me with his arm wrapped around me. Sometimes I either put his hand under my shirt on my skin, or tell him he can put his hand under my shirt and goodnight is usually a peck kiss and a love ya. I have noticed that I kinda dread going to bed at the same time because I want something that I can't have. He refuses to give me a massage, I used to give him one all the time, but quit when he never reciprocated. He says I want a fairy tale. Does this sound like I want a Fairy Tale?

Sounds familiar... no french kissing, touching here either. A hug or two and some pecking on the lips or cheek. I give massages regularly but never get one in return. No hand games in our bed.. I would love to touch skin at night. I just get flanel pj's at best!
No you aren't looking for a fairy tale. Just a normal relationship which is abnormal to him! So sorry.

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

Dang that is hardcore right there.. I think most men would have been ready to go at it like rabbits after 3 months. Is he into porn and masturbation alot?

I caught him in our younger years of marriage and told him that was fine with the masturbation, I didn't like the porn though, because he wasn't giving it to me. I told him I could and would do anything he wanted but I needed him to want me instead of that. I told him I liked watching him masturbate and I could help him, but he keeps that aspect of his life secret. He won't do it in front of me and got pissed that I was upset about the porn. I have since (and I have also gotten older and more mature about things) brought porn in just help things along, letting him pick what he wants to watch and watch with him. Doesn't happen often, but occasionally. Like I said I try not to push, but a person has needs. He's even said that he likes it in the am and I like it in the evening...so I told him if he woke up ready - to do something about it...wake me up, I don't care, that's what I want him to do. But he has yet to do that.

 

[diwali123]

One thing that stands out for me is that he feels resentful because you made him stop watching porn. He might feel like he had to put the breaks on his sexuality and that is a huge turn off. I'm just guessing.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

This is quite depressing...sounds like I have the option of either, live with it - with being depressed and unhappy about things in the personal department or do a separation or divorce - which I still beat myself up that it is selfish of me to do to rip my kids life apart just so I can have a go at finding someone more compatiable with me, which there is no guarantee of - risking my kids resenting me - finding out that it can never happen and then not being able to go back to my otherwise happy marriage. So depressing, think I will go cry. I lose no matter what I choose. I don't know what to do.

 

[discouraged1]

I caught him in our younger years of marriage and told him that was fine with the masturbation, I didn't like the porn though, because he wasn't giving it to me. I told him I could and would do anything he wanted but I needed him to want me instead of that. I told him I liked watching him masturbate and I could help him, but he keeps that aspect of his life secret. He won't do it in front of me and got pissed that I was upset about the porn. I have since (and I have also gotten older and more mature about things) brought porn in just help things along, letting him pick what he wants to watch and watch with him. Doesn't happen often, but occasionally. Like I said I try not to push, but a person has needs. He's even said that he likes it in the am and I like it in the evening...so I told him if he woke up ready - to do something about it...wake me up, I don't care, that's what I want him to do. But he has yet to do that.

Geez.. sounds like your husband and my wife are the same person! Seriously.

 

[unsat1sf13dw1f3]

One thing that stands out for me is that he feels resentful because you made him stop watching porn. He might feel like he had to put the breaks on his sexuality and that is a huge turn off. I'm just guessing.
Posted via Mobile Device

I didn't make him stop - I caught him several more times, just never said anything unless he refused to let me do a sexual act and I would say something about him watching that crap, but can't let me do the actual action. I don't think this is the case, but it could be I guess. I have asked if there is a problem. Everytime he tells me things are fine. I think I caught him off guard the last few times, he started getting defensive and saying that he was sorry that he wasn't good enough for me, he didn't think there was a problem. Now I get worried everytime I try to talk to him, afraid that he will take it as a cutdown to him, and I don't want to do that to him. He is a good man and a good husband but our relationship lacks the intimacy that I need and want.

 

[discouraged1]

This is quite depressing...sounds like I have the option of either, live with it - with being depressed and unhappy about things in the personal department or do a separation or divorce - which I still beat myself up that it is selfish of me to do to rip my kids life apart just so I can have a go at finding someone more compatiable with me, which there is no guarantee of - risking my kids resenting me - finding out that it can never happen and then not being able to go back to my otherwise happy marriage. So depressing, think I will go cry. I lose no matter what I choose. I don't know what to do.

Huh.. I have been trying to figure this same exact situation out for a couple of years too! Be stuck in a emotionless, boring existence or try to find someone else (no guarantees there). Also run the risk of making a mess of the family situation and the effect on children!
I want out but really feel like I will not find anyone else.. so depressing!
Sorry you have to suffer in silence too!