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Make her feel like you want more than sex from her and she'll give you more sex.
Could be worded "She'll want to seek mutual pleasure with you."

See how we all are? When we view sex with men as something we give them and not something we participate in mutually and enthusiastically, it's considered a thing women have that they give up for him. A new viewpoint needs to be carved out where women and men connect in ways that are humane.
 

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Could be worded "She'll want to seek mutual pleasure with you."

See how we all are? When we view sex with men as something we give them and not something we participate in mutually and enthusiastically, it's considered a thing women have that they give up for him. A new viewpoint needs to be carved out where women and men connect in ways that are humane.
I've always thought this. Great response!
 

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There are a lot of different things to discuss in your posts.

One note I will make about the above is that in 26 years of marriage I have never once simply asked my wife is she wants to have sex or if she wants to do this or that.

If I really want some love’n, I just start seducing her and loving her up and initiating and escalating.

Expecting a middle age mother to be thinking about sex all the time and always are charged up ready to go at a moment’s notice is just not part of the typical female nomenclature.

If you want someone that’s always horny, always charged up and DTF and always up for something wild and adventurous, you’re either going to have to get divorced and date one single chick after another and always chase that New Relationship Energy (NRE) that is inevitably going to fade after a certain period of time.

Or you’re going to have to turn gay and get with dudes because what you are describing that you want in terms of sexual energy are male traits and not female traits.

The fact you’ve been together 15 years and have a somewhat active and robust sex life at all shows you are towards the right side of the bell curve to begin with.

If you’re wanting to be swinging from the chandeliers having hot monkey sex night after night, you’re either going to have to date young, single chicks for no more than a year or so at a time before you move on to the next, or you’re going to have to turn gay and get with dudes that have the same sexual nomenclature.
THIS IS THE BEST AND MOST ACCURATE RESPONSE!
 

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She probably flat out doesn’t really think about sex, ever. My wife doesn’t.

What she does think about (now) is that I won’t tolerate it for long; because I told her that. You need to pull your self esteem out of the junk heap and dust it off.

Many will chime in on this but what it boils down to in my opinion is that if your wife doesn’t think about sex and isn’t otherwise repulsed or put off by you then it’s not a priority for her.

As an example my wife stayed up till some god awful hour last night after 2am working on some stupid ****. This is the 3rd night in a row she did this (I keep track, she knows I keep track). Her priority right now is whatever her stupid work tasks are and that’s all she thinks about. So sex is the furthest thing on her mind… except that she knows it is on my mind every day because I told her that.

So when she does whatever she’s doing and doesn’t come to bed, she knows she’s pissing me off doing that and as such that is enough to give her the inspiration to fix it because she knows the alternative is to not be together.
Anyone that stomped his feet and demanded sex then held divorce over my head as a consequence of not responding would be signing divorce papers real quick.
 

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Let me start by saying that I have no idea how to word this, so be prepared for some rambling. I also might sound selfish, but that's really not where I'm coming from, so please hear me out.

I know not to judge a current partner based on my past experiences, but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with such a drastic change. Before I met my wife, my sex life was semi adventurous. I had girlfriends that were giving when it came to sex, and they had no problem asking for things they liked. I had more sex, in more places, and I didn't have to ask for things that I liked. When I first met my wife (then girlfriend) she was the same. We had sex when we wanted, where we wanted (within reason) and it was fun. We've now been married for almost 10 years, and together for 15, and she is not the same person sexually that she once was, and I am. Where opportunity should allow for more spontaneous sex lives, she doesn't follow my spirit. An example of this started within the last 10 years, since we bought a house. We have more room, we have a fenced in backyard, we have privacy, and yet we have only had sex in our bedroom and a few times on the couch. To try to spice things up, I have bought toys that don't get used, I have bought lingerie that she says she loves but doesn't wear after trying it on initially, and I try to randomly bring out moments that could be adventurous, like asking her to take off her panties before going into a movie, or to use a panty vibrator when we got out. Those things have also been turned down, and from past experience I know that there isn't a point in asking again. The smallest of these things is me asking her for sexy pictures, which are generally turned down, so I might get them once in a 6 month period.

So, after all this time asking for things, and coming up with ideas, I started working on myself. I started getting in better shape, I lift weights, I've lost some weight, and I took pictures of myself that are honestly great, and I sent them to her. She said she loved them, but nothing has changed. If anything, my self esteem has gotten worse, because anything we do sexually is my idea, and I mean that literally. So now, if she agrees to anything that I ask (and I ask rarely at this point because of the history of rejection) I feel like she is just doing it to get me to leave her alone. She doesn't bring up any of this stuff at all, even in conversation, and I have started to have emotional issues because of it. She has said before she doesn't know what I want, but I am explicit in the things I need, and have discussed how the things I like don't need to be constant, and that I would just like her to participate so I don't feel like everything is one sided. I ask her what she wants and needs from me, and I try my best to do those things, but she doesn't reciprocate. It's like she doesn't have a single thought about sex and what she likes and wants, even though she does sometimes tell me when I ask.

To add to this, she also tells me that she didn't like sex with her exes, and that I am the best she's ever had, and I am very attractive to her, but she only tells me this stuff when I start asking what the problem is. So, this brings me to current day.

We have started getting high and having sex once a week, almost always on Saturday night. I have to say, it is amazing. She is open to things, she talks dirty, she will wear sexy clothes, we take pictures together. It is everything I've ever wanted, except it recently became a problem. When she is high, if I ask to try something, she will. I recently asked her to try deepthroating, and I loved it, and she was great at it. Then, a few weeks ago, I asked her to try it when we were sober. She immediately said she couldn't do it. I know for a fact she can, but she didn't want to try, and it turned into a whole issue where I told her sex isn't fun for me because he doesn't put in any effort, or she doesn't have fun with it, and I constantly feel like a problem because I have to ask for something I want every single time, or it will not happen at all.

Since that time, I have decided to give up. As much as I hate saying it, I don't think she will ever change, and I'm not asking for a huge change. I have told her everything that I like, and left the rest to her, which means it won't happen. If I bring it up, I feel like **** for having to ask. I haven't asked for pictures in months, and I haven't received any. I don't ask for blowjobs nearly as much, and I don't really feel like having sex much either. If I give her oral sex, it's because I like doing it, and I don't want reciprocation, but I give in because I don't want her acting weird when I turn her down.

Through the years we have talked about this and I have tried to come up with solutions for her. I'll use the picture thing as an example. She said she didn't know when I wanted pictures, and I told her anytime was better than never. She also said she never knows what I want at any given time, but I said it isn't like I want it all at once, or there has to be a specific time, other than more often. So to help, we agreed to make a list of things we like, and the frequency we would like them, and just roll dice. Whatever the dice lands on, we look at the number on the list and we do that. FYI, we never did that. So, after another year, we talked about making a spin wheel using an app, just spin it and that's what she/we could do. That also never got used.

In giving up on my sexual needs, we now follow a strict routine. When we do have sex, we perform oral on each other for a bit, then she immediately goes to doggy style, which is her favorite, and that's it. She has an orgasm, I do, and that's it. No discussion otherwise, nothing fun for both parties, I don't even know if she enjoys it because she never talks to me about it. I just go through the motions. At this point I feel like I should just take what I can get and keep my mouth shut. We are going on a trip for our 10 year anniversary, and the place looks great. Outdoor shower, outdoor beds, secluded. I have low expectations, but lots of fantasies.

I'm looking for advice. Am I the issue? Am I asking too much, literally or figuratively? The frequency of my requests has dropped drastically, and I don't even talk about things that I like or would like to try anymore. My self esteem is at an all time low, but just with my wife. I have high self esteem in every other aspect of my life. I am a good person, I am attractive, I am educated, I'm sweet and funny, and people recognize that about me and relay that to my wife, who also says the same things to others. But sexually, I am not satisfied in the least, mostly because I don't have any fun. I have so many examples of times where she flat out turned me down, and others where she just started dropping the ball, even on things that she started (Steak and BJ day was fun 4 years ago, but she forgot it one year, then was too tired last year, and this year she talked it up, but came home, didn't mention it anymore, then sat on the couch and ate cereal until it was time for bed.) On the flip side, I never forget Valentines day. I am just at a loss, I don't know what to do, I don't know what changed. I even considered that she might be cheating on me, but literally nothing else has changed or is negative in our relationship. She isn't distance in any other aspect.

I would also like to add that I do have a lot of requests when it comes to sex, but I don't put pressure on her for them. We just talk about what we like, which is what I thought you were supposed to do in a marriage, and I wait for her to try any of them at any time. When she told me she would like a hug when she got home from work, I did that. I do random acts to show her that I love her, like cards, flowers, candy, jewelry. I'm going to propose again on our anniversary, I have it all planned, so why can't she do the simplest of things for me to make me feel loved and desired in the way I need? Someone help me out here.
That would have been a fine outcome.
if that’s fine with you, then you should divorce her. You don’t sound like you care much about your marriage. Let her go and find happiness. And you go find what you’re looking for.
 

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if that’s fine with you, then you should divorce her. You don’t sound like you care much about your marriage. Let her go and find happiness. And you go find what you’re looking for.
I didn’t have to. But if that’s what she said I was prepared for that as an outcome and it would have been fine. I mean sometimes people are done and they’re not attracted anymore or whatever so if that was the case then I was cool with it.
 

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The original post was exhausting for me to read. I see a guy who has a pretty regular sex life and a wife who is at least somewhat open to suggestions but it's never enough. It reads like someone who watches way too much porn.

My guy and I manage do it a few times a week and I love every minute, and i don't mind initiating some of it. But if I had a guy who was pushing for pictures/deep throating/toys/lingerie/dropping my pants before a freaking movie on a regular basis......geez that would get exhausting. OP, please tell me you haven't told your wife how great your ex gf's were. And by the way...those ex's very likely wouldn't have kept that up.

Enjoy the occasion where you get high and freaky. On occasion ask for freaky stuff and enjoy....many women are responsive im their desire so you may well need to initiate. I like flowers but don't get them for me as a covert contract for more porn sex, which by the way is mostly faked anyway. I have a friend in the industry.....

Frankly, while freaky sex can be fun, it just doesn't seem as intimate....at least to me. It has a place.

Lay off the porn and push some boundaries here and there.
Agreed! He sounds really immature.
 

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There is no demand for sex. It’s that if you want to be married then part of that is sex. My wife agreed with this.
This is a key counter-point. Men have to woo women and connect, and make sex mutually pleasurable. Women have to prioritize that connection and not let other stuff constantly get in the way or check out once her needs are met.
 

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I've always thought this. Great response!
Thought that sex should be humane, cage & GMO free? Agreed!

But we’re getting into that whole “orgasm gap” thing here and it’s not always the guy who’s entirely responsible. Sometimes there’s manipulation involved, a woman finding a need to minimize her own response to sexuality out of guilt.
 

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Men have to woo women and connect, and make sex mutually pleasurable. Women have to prioritize that connection and not let other stuff constantly get in the way or check out once her needs are met.
The key is as @ccpowerslave decided, neither men nor women 'have' to do anything that they don't want to do. Either gender that doesn't care to be intimate with someone they are married to also needs to realize their spouse isn't obligated to stay married. There is a reaction to every action.
 

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The key is as @ccpowerslave decided, neither men nor women 'have' to do anything that they don't want to do. Either gender that doesn't care to be intimate with someone they are married to also needs to realize their spouse isn't obligated to stay married. There is a reaction to every action.
Yes.

A critical component in this is trying to figure out what is missing (if anything) from your own side and get your own house in order before approaching your partner. If you’re fairly certain you haven’t left any stones unturned then what’s left?

At that point it’s just a decision.

If one partner wants intimacy and the other doesn’t well maybe it’s best to go their separate ways. There doesn’t have to be any animosity or malice involved; whatever was working doesn’t work anymore.
 

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A critical component in this is trying to figure out what is missing (if anything) from your own side and get your own house in order before approaching your partner.
A follow on IMO is that neither gender should have to try to 'figure out' what is missing. Conversations between two adults ought to reveal what is missing. Of course the fly in the ointment is people get their feelings hurt easily when presented the truth. The wife tells the husband 'muscles really turn me on and you don't have any', or the husband tells the wife 'you have gained so much weight I am no longer attracted'. Either may realize the truth in what they are told but can't get past the hurt feelings to work the problem.
 

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I think many times we like to the think the other person is "the problem" instead of looking at what we can do differently too. Good post. I hope the OP re-reads it.



Men aren't always the best at picking which lingerie is flattering for a woman's figure. You guys pick what you like, even if it's something that really doesn't work for us. It won't look the same on us as it does on the model, who may have bigger or smaller breasts or butt etc. We know what looks good on us. We know if we have large breasts that a paper thin fabric is not going to work on top, for example. Maybe try picking it out together or just let her pick it out herself...I knew I had finally gotten through when he said, "get something that you feel sexy in."
Actually men are better at picking out lingerie for 2 reasons:
1. We know what we like to see.
2. A Wife wearing lingerie should be for her Husband anyway.

Also a lot of women do not know what looks good on them. This is why we see so many ill dressed people out in public. Most people in general don't know what looks good. And I can't tell you how many times I've seen women with silly lingerie on - like black stockings with white shoes, or lace granny panties. We don't like that, it looks crazy. Lingerie should make the woman FEEL sexy, yes. But, ultimately, it's for the man.

These are the types of things that men have been shamed into being silent about. It's ridiculous. If he wants her to wear what he picks out and he thinks it looks sexy on her, then that's what it is. And when she wants him to do something that's ultimately for her, then he should do that as well. That's what real compromise and SELFLESSNESS is in a marriage - not just the woman controlling everything. That need to control is something that guys really need to be aware of in a woman, and simply stop dealing with controlling women.
 
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