Talk About Marriage banner
1 - 20 of 157 Posts
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let me start by saying that I have no idea how to word this, so be prepared for some rambling. I also might sound selfish, but that's really not where I'm coming from, so please hear me out.

I know not to judge a current partner based on my past experiences, but I'm having a hard time coming to terms with such a drastic change. Before I met my wife, my sex life was semi adventurous. I had girlfriends that were giving when it came to sex, and they had no problem asking for things they liked. I had more sex, in more places, and I didn't have to ask for things that I liked. When I first met my wife (then girlfriend) she was the same. We had sex when we wanted, where we wanted (within reason) and it was fun. We've now been married for almost 10 years, and together for 15, and she is not the same person sexually that she once was, and I am. Where opportunity should allow for more spontaneous sex lives, she doesn't follow my spirit. An example of this started within the last 10 years, since we bought a house. We have more room, we have a fenced in backyard, we have privacy, and yet we have only had sex in our bedroom and a few times on the couch. To try to spice things up, I have bought toys that don't get used, I have bought lingerie that she says she loves but doesn't wear after trying it on initially, and I try to randomly bring out moments that could be adventurous, like asking her to take off her panties before going into a movie, or to use a panty vibrator when we got out. Those things have also been turned down, and from past experience I know that there isn't a point in asking again. The smallest of these things is me asking her for sexy pictures, which are generally turned down, so I might get them once in a 6 month period.

So, after all this time asking for things, and coming up with ideas, I started working on myself. I started getting in better shape, I lift weights, I've lost some weight, and I took pictures of myself that are honestly great, and I sent them to her. She said she loved them, but nothing has changed. If anything, my self esteem has gotten worse, because anything we do sexually is my idea, and I mean that literally. So now, if she agrees to anything that I ask (and I ask rarely at this point because of the history of rejection) I feel like she is just doing it to get me to leave her alone. She doesn't bring up any of this stuff at all, even in conversation, and I have started to have emotional issues because of it. She has said before she doesn't know what I want, but I am explicit in the things I need, and have discussed how the things I like don't need to be constant, and that I would just like her to participate so I don't feel like everything is one sided. I ask her what she wants and needs from me, and I try my best to do those things, but she doesn't reciprocate. It's like she doesn't have a single thought about sex and what she likes and wants, even though she does sometimes tell me when I ask.

To add to this, she also tells me that she didn't like sex with her exes, and that I am the best she's ever had, and I am very attractive to her, but she only tells me this stuff when I start asking what the problem is. So, this brings me to current day.

We have started getting high and having sex once a week, almost always on Saturday night. I have to say, it is amazing. She is open to things, she talks dirty, she will wear sexy clothes, we take pictures together. It is everything I've ever wanted, except it recently became a problem. When she is high, if I ask to try something, she will. I recently asked her to try deepthroating, and I loved it, and she was great at it. Then, a few weeks ago, I asked her to try it when we were sober. She immediately said she couldn't do it. I know for a fact she can, but she didn't want to try, and it turned into a whole issue where I told her sex isn't fun for me because he doesn't put in any effort, or she doesn't have fun with it, and I constantly feel like a problem because I have to ask for something I want every single time, or it will not happen at all.

Since that time, I have decided to give up. As much as I hate saying it, I don't think she will ever change, and I'm not asking for a huge change. I have told her everything that I like, and left the rest to her, which means it won't happen. If I bring it up, I feel like **** for having to ask. I haven't asked for pictures in months, and I haven't received any. I don't ask for blowjobs nearly as much, and I don't really feel like having sex much either. If I give her oral sex, it's because I like doing it, and I don't want reciprocation, but I give in because I don't want her acting weird when I turn her down.

Through the years we have talked about this and I have tried to come up with solutions for her. I'll use the picture thing as an example. She said she didn't know when I wanted pictures, and I told her anytime was better than never. She also said she never knows what I want at any given time, but I said it isn't like I want it all at once, or there has to be a specific time, other than more often. So to help, we agreed to make a list of things we like, and the frequency we would like them, and just roll dice. Whatever the dice lands on, we look at the number on the list and we do that. FYI, we never did that. So, after another year, we talked about making a spin wheel using an app, just spin it and that's what she/we could do. That also never got used.

In giving up on my sexual needs, we now follow a strict routine. When we do have sex, we perform oral on each other for a bit, then she immediately goes to doggy style, which is her favorite, and that's it. She has an orgasm, I do, and that's it. No discussion otherwise, nothing fun for both parties, I don't even know if she enjoys it because she never talks to me about it. I just go through the motions. At this point I feel like I should just take what I can get and keep my mouth shut. We are going on a trip for our 10 year anniversary, and the place looks great. Outdoor shower, outdoor beds, secluded. I have low expectations, but lots of fantasies.

I'm looking for advice. Am I the issue? Am I asking too much, literally or figuratively? The frequency of my requests has dropped drastically, and I don't even talk about things that I like or would like to try anymore. My self esteem is at an all time low, but just with my wife. I have high self esteem in every other aspect of my life. I am a good person, I am attractive, I am educated, I'm sweet and funny, and people recognize that about me and relay that to my wife, who also says the same things to others. But sexually, I am not satisfied in the least, mostly because I don't have any fun. I have so many examples of times where she flat out turned me down, and others where she just started dropping the ball, even on things that she started (Steak and BJ day was fun 4 years ago, but she forgot it one year, then was too tired last year, and this year she talked it up, but came home, didn't mention it anymore, then sat on the couch and ate cereal until it was time for bed.) On the flip side, I never forget Valentines day. I am just at a loss, I don't know what to do, I don't know what changed. I even considered that she might be cheating on me, but literally nothing else has changed or is negative in our relationship. She isn't distance in any other aspect.

I would also like to add that I do have a lot of requests when it comes to sex, but I don't put pressure on her for them. We just talk about what we like, which is what I thought you were supposed to do in a marriage, and I wait for her to try any of them at any time. When she told me she would like a hug when she got home from work, I did that. I do random acts to show her that I love her, like cards, flowers, candy, jewelry. I'm going to propose again on our anniversary, I have it all planned, so why can't she do the simplest of things for me to make me feel loved and desired in the way I need? Someone help me out here.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,417 Posts
She probably flat out doesn’t really think about sex, ever. My wife doesn’t.

What she does think about (now) is that I won’t tolerate it for long; because I told her that. You need to pull your self esteem out of the junk heap and dust it off.

Many will chime in on this but what it boils down to in my opinion is that if your wife doesn’t think about sex and isn’t otherwise repulsed or put off by you then it’s not a priority for her.

As an example my wife stayed up till some god awful hour last night after 2am working on some stupid ****. This is the 3rd night in a row she did this (I keep track, she knows I keep track). Her priority right now is whatever her stupid work tasks are and that’s all she thinks about. So sex is the furthest thing on her mind… except that she knows it is on my mind every day because I told her that.

So when she does whatever she’s doing and doesn’t come to bed, she knows she’s pissing me off doing that and as such that is enough to give her the inspiration to fix it because she knows the alternative is to not be together.
 
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I just had this happen last night. I told her I wanted to give her oral sex. It got later and later, until I eventually asked if she still wanted it or if she wanted to go to bed instead. She said she was leaning towards bed, so I went to bed myself. 30 minutes later I get up and she's eating cereal on the couch...
 
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
She probably flat out doesn’t really think about sex, ever. My wife doesn’t.

What she does think about (now) is that I won’t tolerate it for long; because I told her that. You need to pull your self esteem out of the junk heap and dust it off.

Many will chime in on this but what it boils down to in my opinion is that if your wife doesn’t think about sex and isn’t otherwise repulsed or put off by you then it’s not a priority for her.

As an example my wife stayed up till some god awful hour last night after 2am working on some stupid ****. This is the 3rd night in a row she did this (I keep track, she knows I keep track). Her priority right now is whatever her stupid work tasks are and that’s all she thinks about. So sex is the furthest thing on her mind… except that she knows it is on my mind every day because I told her that.

So when she does whatever she’s doing and doesn’t come to bed, she knows she’s pissing me off doing that and as such that is enough to give her the inspiration to fix it because she knows the alternative is to not be together.
She actually said she thinks about it every day, but for some reason she doesn't act on it. I have to hold my tongue when she mentions her sister dressing up for her husband, or her other sister giving her husband blowjobs without asking. She knows, but apparently doesn't care.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,417 Posts
She actually said she thinks about it every day, but for some reason she doesn't act on it. I have to hold my tongue when she mentions her sister dressing up for her husband, or her other sister giving her husband blowjobs without asking. She knows, but apparently doesn't care.
Yeah well… it might be time to sit down and have a real talk about it if it’s actually bothering you enough to make it to TAM.

Something is either a deal breaker or it isn’t and you need to decide where your limits are and then let her know and see if she wants to stay together or not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,469 Posts
I just had this happen last night. I told her I wanted to give her oral sex. It got later and later, until I eventually asked if she still wanted it or if she wanted to go to bed instead. She said she was leaning towards bed, so I went to bed myself. 30 minutes later I get up and she's eating cereal on the couch...
There are a lot of different things to discuss in your posts.

One note I will make about the above is that in 26 years of marriage I have never once simply asked my wife is she wants to have sex or if she wants to do this or that.

If I really want some love’n, I just start seducing her and loving her up and initiating and escalating.

Expecting a middle age mother to be thinking about sex all the time and always are charged up ready to go at a moment’s notice is just not part of the typical female nomenclature.

If you want someone that’s always horny, always charged up and DTF and always up for something wild and adventurous, you’re either going to have to get divorced and date one single chick after another and always chase that New Relationship Energy (NRE) that is inevitably going to fade after a certain period of time.

Or you’re going to have to turn gay and get with dudes because what you are describing that you want in terms of sexual energy are male traits and not female traits.

The fact you’ve been together 15 years and have a somewhat active and robust sex life at all shows you are towards the right side of the bell curve to begin with.

If you’re wanting to be swinging from the chandeliers having hot monkey sex night after night, you’re either going to have to date young, single chicks for no more than a year or so at a time before you move on to the next, or you’re going to have to turn gay and get with dudes that have the same sexual nomenclature.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,443 Posts
Sometimes, I wonder if some men really just want themselves in female form, as a gf/wife. lol I think it sounds like she is trying to do new things, but she may not do every single thing you desire, that's not reasonable to expect that.

Having said that, sex is important in a marriage, but it's not the most important thing. It should come more naturally in my opinion, where you are both more in sync. I see a good sex life coming from a good healthy relationship, not something that should become an obligatory list of 'to do's' for the other person.

It sounds like you have a good relationship if you're considering proposing to her soon, but if you don't sort out these differences, you'll be in an unhappy marriage, because these issues are clearly very important to you.
 
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Sometimes, I wonder if some men really just want themselves in female form, as a gf/wife. lol I think it sounds like she is trying to do new things, but she may not do every single thing you desire, that's not reasonable to expect that.

Having said that, sex is important in a marriage, but it's not the most important thing. It should come more naturally in my opinion, where you are both more in sync. I see a good sex life coming from a good healthy relationship, not something that should become an obligatory list of 'to do's' for the other person.

It sounds like you have a good relationship if you're considering proposing to her soon, but if you don't sort out these differences, you'll be in an unhappy marriage, because these issues are clearly very important to you.
We are already married, I just thought it would be romantic to propose again. I think the sexual aspect of the relationship could be healthier if I didn't have to initiate literally everything. But I see your point.
 
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
There are a lot of different things to discuss in your posts.

One note I will make about the above is that in 26 years of marriage I have never once simply asked my wife is she wants to have sex or if she wants to do this or that.

If I really want some love’n, I just start seducing her and loving her up and initiating and escalating.

Expecting a middle age mother to be thinking about sex all the time and always are charged up ready to go at a moment’s notice is just not part of the typical female nomenclature.

If you want someone that’s always horny, always charged up and DTF and always up for something wild and adventurous, you’re either going to have to get divorced and date one single chick after another and always chase that New Relationship Energy (NRE) that is inevitably going to fade after a certain period of time.

Or you’re going to have to turn gay and get with dudes because what you are describing that you want in terms of sexual energy are male traits and not female traits.

The fact you’ve been together 15 years and have a somewhat active and robust sex life at all shows you are towards the right side of the bell curve to begin with.

If you’re wanting to be swinging from the chandeliers having hot monkey sex night after night, you’re either going to have to date young, single chicks for no more than a year or so at a time before you move on to the next, or you’re going to have to turn gay and get with dudes that have the same sexual nomenclature.
I agree with you, I should be doing more romancing and leading into sex, but that's what I already did for years and years, I would like some initiative from her to do things without me always asking first, because that is not only boring, but makes me feel bothersome.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
We have started getting high and having sex once a week, almost always on Saturday night. I have to say, it is amazing. She is open to things, she talks dirty, she will wear sexy clothes, we take pictures together. It is everything I've ever wanted, except it recently became a problem. When she is high, if I ask to try something, she will. I recently asked her to try deepthroating, and I loved it, and she was great at it. Then, a few weeks ago, I asked her to try it when we were sober. She immediately said she couldn't do it. I know for a fact she can, but she didn't want to try, and it turned into a whole issue where I told her sex isn't fun for me because he doesn't put in any effort, or she doesn't have fun with it, and I constantly feel like a problem because I have to ask for something I want every single time, or it will not happen at all.
So why not continue to do what you are doing?. Get high with her and have great sex. Once I introduced pot to my wife, it has helped tremendously on allowing her to relax in the bedroom and myself as well. Nothing wrong with that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
325 Posts
I just had this happen last night. I told her I wanted to give her oral sex. It got later and later, until I eventually asked if she still wanted it or if she wanted to go to bed instead. She said she was leaning towards bed, so I went to bed myself. 30 minutes later I get up and she's eating cereal on the couch...
you can use my line "that ***** is not going to eat itself". It works, try it
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,443 Posts
We are already married, I just thought it would be romantic to propose again. I think the sexual aspect of the relationship could be healthier if I didn't have to initiate literally everything. But I see your point.
Okay, gotcha. I thought you're married but wasn't sure. You both sound like you love each other, but in different ways. You would like more sex, more ''positions'' etc ...and maybe that's just not how she expresses love. It's good to know personality types, as that can explain how people approach a lot of issues in life, including sexuality.

I think there's a happy medium you both can find...maybe that could be how you explain it to her. Change takes time too, if you both give a little, it will be amazing what can happen. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,077 Posts
She actually said she thinks about it every day, but for some reason she doesn't act on it. I have to hold my tongue when she mentions her sister dressing up for her husband, or her other sister giving her husband blowjobs without asking. She knows, but apparently doesn't care.
How in the heck does a conversation about her sister giving oral sex to her husband come up? 🤣

Have her go to the doctor and get her hormones tested. She is probably low on testosterone or other hormones which is killing her drive

I developed low testosterone a couple of years back. My sex drive tanked along with motivation. She would walk in wearing the sexiest lingerie you can picture and I couldn't really get it up or would say I am just not in the mood right now. She got really worried and off to the doc I went. I had low testosterone and after about 5 weeks, my sex drive was like I was 25. I wore her out one night until she lost feeling down there and my tank was flat empty 😂
 
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
So why not continue to do what you are doing?. Get high with her and have great sex. Once I introduced pot to my wife, it has helped tremendously on allowing her to relax in the bedroom and myself as well. Nothing wrong with that.
I'm all for it, except it only happens once a week, and we can't do it during the week because of other responsibilities. I also want to avoid the munchies as much as possible.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,255 Posts
We are already married, I just thought it would be romantic to propose again. I think the sexual aspect of the relationship could be healthier if I didn't have to initiate literally everything. But I see your point.
Look, women just don't want sex as much as men do, with very few exceptions. When they're young and dating, they're exploring and they're excited and hoping every date is the ideal guy in their head, and that makes them horny. They try things to see if they like them. Sadly, they do not like a lot of them because a lot of them are only pleasurable for men. Sex is not the No. 1 priority for women and it usually drops way off after some time being married and after having kids. You just have to accept that women don't want it as much as men do overall, so there is zero reason why she would start being proactive and initiating sex with more frequency, because she's not the one who wants it all the time. You are. Men are, in general.

I have to agree with Old Shirt up there. It's young women dating who IF they are ever going to be experimental will be it young and dating, and even then, certainly not all are. And that doesn't last. They don't enjoy BJs. Some find oral a good trade and others would rather not entirely if given the option. You get off on doing things covertly in public, sounds like. Doesn't sound like she does. She's getting high to get you off, just like prostitutes have to stay high to keep doing it.

The excitement wears off. It just does. No matter that you stay in shape or you don't. She has other priorities.

The good news is when you do have sex, though less frequently than you'd like, sounds like you're both enjoying it. Don't ruin that by demanding she meet needs of yours that she simply doesn't have.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Diana7

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,469 Posts
Sometimes, I wonder if some men really just want themselves in female form, as a gf/wife. lol
I think there is a lot of truth to that but it’s not just men - it goes both ways and women do it too.

A man will be perplexed why she doesn’t want to be getting freaky in a portable hot tub with a troupe of Chinese acrobats in the back of an SUV limousine while cruising the strip, while a woman will be perplexed on how he isn’t concerned that the garbage disposal hasn’t been replaced in 8 years and has been making a funny noise the last few weeks.

My wife was very high libido and quite adventurous until the kids came. After the kids came I think she was truly and sincerely perplexed that I was not laying awake nights worrying that the laundry may not be getting enough softener and that the dishes may not be getting pre-rinsed adequately before going into the dishwasher etc.

And I think there were many times she was truly thunderstruck that I could still want to have a regular sex life when there was clearly blades of grass coming up through the cracks in the sidewalk in front of the house. 😮

We all tend to see the world, not as how the world is, but how we are.

I’m carrying on now but the point is, the OP is frustrated and disenchanted because his wife does not have his sexual energy and spontaneous desire and sense of sexual adventurism.

It’s realistic to expect to have a marital sex life.

It’s not realistic to have another person have an identical sexual identity as yourself.

And it’s unrealistic for males and female to have identical sexual nomenclatures.

Males and females are designed to be complementary to each other and not identical to each other.

Otherwise all dudes would be gay and all chicks would be lesbians.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,778 Posts
...........We've now been married for almost 10 years, and together for 15, and she is not the same person sexually that she once was, and I am.

...........She immediately said she couldn't do it. I know for a fact she can, but she didn't want to try, and it turned into a whole issue where I told her sex isn't fun for me because he doesn't put in any effort, or she doesn't have fun with it, and I constantly feel like a problem because I have to ask for something I want every single time, or it will not happen at all.

......Since that time, I have decided to give up. As much as I hate saying it, I don't think she will ever change, and I'm not asking for a huge change........

.......we agreed to make a list of things we like, and the frequency we would like them, and just roll dice. Whatever the dice lands on, we look at the number on the list and we do that. FYI, we never did that. So, after another year, we talked about making a spin wheel using an app, just spin it and that's what she/we could do. That also never got used.

.......I just go through the motions. At this point I feel like I should just take what I can get and keep my mouth shut. We are going on a trip for our 10 year anniversary, and the place looks great. Outdoor shower, outdoor beds, secluded. I have low expectations, but lots of fantasies.

I'm looking for advice. Am I the issue? Am I asking too much, literally or figuratively? The frequency of my requests has dropped drastically, and I don't even talk about things that I like or would like to try anymore. My self esteem is at an all time low, but just with my wife. I have high self esteem in every other aspect of my life. I am a good person, I am attractive, I am educated, I'm sweet and funny, and people recognize that about me and relay that to my wife, who also says the same things to others. But sexually, I am not satisfied in the least, mostly because I don't have any fun.......

I would also like to add that I do have a lot of requests when it comes to sex, but I don't put pressure on her for them. We just talk about what we like, which is what I thought you were supposed to do in a marriage, and I wait for her to try any of them at any time. When she told me she would like a hug when she got home from work, I did that. I do random acts to show her that I love her, like cards, flowers, candy, jewelry. I'm going to propose again on our anniversary, I have it all planned, so why can't she do the simplest of things for me to make me feel loved and desired in the way I need? Someone help me out here.
Where to start. Yes, you are the issue (in part). Read what you posted and the parts I have highlighted.

I find it fascinating that two people can talk and both communicate and not communicate at the same time. Let me explain. In your mind you have been telling your wife sexually what you would like. You are assuming that telling her is some how going to make her want to do those things, especially the ones she doesn't care to do. You would be better off finding out the ones she really wants to do or is willing to try every now and then. Many women are reluctant to try something new for fear that their husband will insist on it every time instead of once in a blue moon. Sounds like you special deep throat BJ is something she tried for you, it didn't really float her boat and yet you pressured her to do it again. Do you see how your post says she tried it for you, you asked for it again, she said she couldn't do that, and you rubbed her face in that she did it once so why not again? That is not a good dynamic to make a wife try something new, now is it? Can you understand how after a certain number of those kinds of "trying something new" she just might shut down on trying new things?

Similarly, you have said that you have sexually given up on your wife. You have been together with this woman for nearly 15 years. I bet you and she can figure out the end of each other's sentences. I bet she can read you facial expressions, tone of voice and body language better than you think. I would further bet she is fully aware that you have "communicated to her" that you have sexually given up on her. And yet you babble on about wanting x, y and z. You wouldn't do that if you have really given up on her sexually, now would you? So have you given up or are you still trying?

She is getting conflicting messages from you at best. However, her ego has probably been crushed by your giving up on her sexually, which probably pulls the rug out from any attempt on her part to do things to please you. Why bother on her part if you have sexually given up?

Yes, you are part of the problem. And yes you are putting lots of pressure on her, even if you don't know or recognize it.

Now as to helping you. First, I would suggest that you get, read, reread and study two books: M.W. Davis the Sex Starved Marriage and Glover's No More Mr. Nice. Guy. I think you could benefit from both, especially Glover's book where he talks about needy codependent men as not being sexy (i.e. turning women off) and where he describes the problems with covert sexual contracts.

Second, I would suggest that you and your wife set up some appointments with a really good marriage counselor who is also a board certified sex therapist. Some of the things that really helped my sex starved marriage were the ST having us fill out and share a Yes/No/Maybe list, do Sensate Focus Exercises together (so we could separate our sensual desires from our sexual desires), negotiate and talk/communicate about our sexual/sensual needs to being happy, and create a vision for the kind of marriage that we both want in the future.

Good luck. Your first goal is to understand that you are not the victim of your wife's behaviors, you are partially responsible for some of them. Then the two of you need to work together on changine behavior patterns you have jointly built over many years, which will be difficult.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
I can relate for the most part. Married to my wife for 20 years and sex doesn't even cross her mind, and honestly hasn't since our wedding. She sure was up for it though while we dated, including performing oral to me. That hasn't happened since our wedding night either and she tells me oral absolutely disgusts her and she says that it's a porn thing and I should not ask her to do it. Oral on her only happens when I ask to do it but only after she has showered and afterwards I have to wash my face and use mouthwash if I want to kiss her. She rarely if ever initiates and I am tired of being rejected. I honestly think my wife is asexual because she has said before that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her, but she does it for me because she loves me, not because she desires it.

I'm hoping your situation will turn around. Sucks that the only time your wife is into it is when she's high. :(
 
1 - 20 of 157 Posts
Top