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With great difficulty and Tact, Today I was able to gather few inputs from my wife, which i am already aware of and need improvement from my side. List of Horrible things I do.

1. Violent (The Recent Incident, in a span of 7-8 years when i got frustrated out of waiting and planning for sex).
2. Abusive at Times (Abused her 2-3 times in a span of 7-8 years for not having sex with me, after I had planned/waited in bed and I got a frustration burst).
3. Financially not strong.
4. Once we fought at time of first child was born, 4 years back.
5. Pervert
6. Takes less care of kids.
7. Porn Addict
8. Too touchy
9. Careless
10. Stupid

I am not justifying by violence or abuse, Its wrong I know. Its very very bad. And its not regular, it happens in 3-4 years ...
But all this happened in frustration, helplessness, me not in control of emotions or sexual drive.
Otherwise I am usually peaceful and humorous as per others.
In my opinion, once is too many. :(
 

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I am self aware and admitting to my sins and honestly discussing here, to fix the situation. I am no God.

I have flaws. I am not perfect. If you look at my thread, its Title is Sexual Inclination and focused more on

How I should i fix myself?



I wish to stop begging for sex, get rid of planning for sex, I do not wish to disturb my wife, I wish to get rid of watching porn because of lack of proper sex, I want to find out a way not to feel horny while sleeping with gorgeous wife, i want to give peace and be at peace. How do I finish Sex as my need, without making her realize, without cheating, without divorce, without ruining peace at home, without taking any medicine. I am not on 24X7 erection mode, i am not a rapist, I am not on Viagra, I am not a alcoholic or a smoker. I just want to kill my sexual desire so she doesnt come to know and feels i am a changed man. I want to kill stress which is created by my heart and mind to be romantic and sexual. I really want to become un-romantic.



Now plz dont again start criticizing me that i am a hitter and abuser, i want change myself about the attraction and affection which is generated towards my wife inside me. I had a love marriage. Now I want to kill the love and affection inside me.



I am sorry, i have been understood on the thread wrongly.


So much wrong in this response. You want to kill the love and affection inside of you? I don’t see a husband that loves his wife except to see her as way to satisfy his urges. You meant that you lust your wife simply because you have “needs”. Nothing about that response tells me that you love her. Have you ever?

She gave you a list any one of which is reason for her never to let you touch her again. You continually justify abusing her. You couch your response in victim blaming.

When was the last time you did something for your wife without ANY strings attached. Love is demonstrated by sacrificing self including so called needs/wants/desires.

So how do you fix yourself? I don’t see an easy way especially since you won’t take any medicine.

Not in any order but first I think you have to stop with the porn. Your wife doesn’t deserve a man that is fueled by the endorphins you receive by watching porn. Do some research on porn addiction especially how your reward system works.

Second I think you have to admit that you don’t love your wife. You love her holes only because what they do for you. Read “Love Busters” by Willard Harley and find out what you are doing that kills your wife’s affection for you.

Third, drop your objection to medicine. You could ask your therapist to treat you for depression and/or anger issues. Maybe you are a sex addict then treat for that.

Honestly I don’t think you have a prayer of regaining your wife’s love/affection and more importantly respect. Not without some very tough choices and decisions you must take for your own sake. Get professional help because you need it.
 

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So much wrong in this response. You want to kill the love and affection inside of you? I don’t see a husband that loves his wife except to see her as way to satisfy his urges. You meant that you lust your wife simply because you have “needs”. Nothing about that response tells me that you love her. Have you ever?

She gave you a list any one of which is reason for her never to let you touch her again. You continually justify abusing her. You couch your response in victim blaming.

When was the last time you did something for your wife without ANY strings attached. Love is demonstrated by sacrificing self including so called needs/wants/desires.

So how do you fix yourself? I don’t see an easy way especially since you won’t take any medicine.

Not in any order but first I think you have to stop with the porn. Your wife doesn’t deserve a man that is fueled by the endorphins you receive by watching porn. Do some research on porn addiction especially how your reward system works.

Second I think you have to admit that you don’t love your wife. You love her holes only because what they do for you. Read “Love Busters” by Willard Harley and find out what you are doing that kills your wife’s affection for you.

Third, drop your objection to medicine. You could ask your therapist to treat you for depression and/or anger issues. Maybe you are a sex addict then treat for that.

Honestly I don’t think you have a prayer of regaining your wife’s love/affection and more importantly respect. Not without some very tough choices and decisions you must take for your own sake. Get professional help because you need it.

I think number 8 on her list supports your conclusion best. Pervert on the other hand indicates her belief that sex stops when childbirth goals are met. If postpartum depression or that belief are the case, Then yes he will never regain her sexual interest. If the belief system is the problem, then she never loved him to start with and nothing is to be gained.

Going through the list I see two categories. The second group is the reasons she has for holding him in contempt. (pervert, stupid,etc) The first group is her excuses to act on her contempt. (violence, argument years ago, porn etc.)
Now this leads to my exception to your conclusion. If he does a lot of hard work,and fixes his problems, as he should be encouraged to do, she will still have the core of contempt for him. Realizing up front that there is no path to renewed sexual relationship will actually help him more in his journey of self improvement. Many men fail to self improvement because they are looking for a reward that is never coming. He is better off to improve for his own reward.
 

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I say this not to criticize you but to help you see what needs to be done in order to fix things. When replying before, I somehow missed the fact that you admit to abusing your wife physically. It doesn't matter that it "only" happened a few times in 7 years. You've destroyed her trust for you. When she has sex with you now, she's forcing herself to do it so you won't assault her again. That's tantamount to rape. The BDSM porn might be a way for her to escape what is happening to her during sex, not a way to turn her on. She may be thinking "at least that's not happening to me right now" or "things could be worse."

If you want to fix your marriage and your sex life, you need to fix yourself first. The very first thing you need to admit is that assaulting your wife is wrong, no matter what the reason. That in by doing so, you've killed her love for you. And more importantly, the fact that you will assault her while you claim to love her proves you need some serious counseling and mental health help.

Go to individual counseling first, be brutally honest with your therapist. Fix yourself. DO NOT ASK YOUR WIFE FOR SEX until your problems are solved, if they can ever be solved. Tell her why you're not going to ask anymore. And that includes peeking into the shower and asking to lick her breasts. Leave her alone completely and let her heal. Let her know you're committed to fixing yourself. If you're truly remorseful for hitting her, tell her you're sorry and that there is no excuse. Do not say "but it was because..." as that will show her you could do it again the next time she refuses to have sex with you and you aren't actually sorry at all, you blame her. Believe me, the blame is entirely your own. Millions of men get turned down for sex all around the world every day and they do not hit their wife. End of story.

Once you've made headway in individual therapy, ask her to join you in marriage counseling. Do not try to resume a sexual relationship until the marriage counselor feels you are BOTH ready. If you need to masturbate to get you through the lack of sex than do it. Millions of people do it every day to help relieve their needs. You can too.

I hope for your sake and your wife's you get some help.
 

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I would like to mention that in our entire relationship, from meeting to near dissolution, I have never struck Mrs. Nail. On the other hand during courting She struck my back hard enough to leave a mark and take my breath. By the standards shown in this thread, I should have no attraction to her. Anything that I do from that point on will be automatically excused. She is a Brute, and probably incurable.
 

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it becomes very clear, very quickly to us that some people should not associate with each other.

Be they male/female, be they married, just friends, same sex, just whatever.

We see this very clearly.

Except when it involves us personally and up close.

Your days in the sun with this lady, your wife, has now sunsetted.

Deal with it now while you have some bloom left on your', uh, potted plant.





[THM]- THM's
 

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I would like to mention that in our entire relationship, from meeting to near dissolution, I have never struck Mrs. Nail. On the other hand during courting She struck my back hard enough to leave a mark and take my breath. By the standards shown in this thread, I should have no attraction to her. Anything that I do from that point on will be automatically excused. She is a Brute, and probably incurable.
Of course, no one said that.
 

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I would like to mention that in our entire relationship, from meeting to near dissolution, I have never struck Mrs. Nail. On the other hand during courting She struck my back hard enough to leave a mark and take my breath. By the standards shown in this thread, I should have no attraction to her. Anything that I do from that point on will be automatically excused. She is a Brute, and probably incurable.
I don't think there is a should or should not. Your relationship is your own. If you forgave her and moved on that's wonderful. I'm saying, based on what OP has revealed about his current relationship that his wife's behavior indicates that she has not forgiven him and no longer trusts him.

Another difference is why your wife hit you? Was it because you refused sex? Because that's why OP hit his wife and so now every time he asks for sex, she's afraid she's going to get assaulted again if she says no. And he's asking for it a lot so it's bringing that pain back for her constantly. He has mixed up sex and violence for her and that can't be overcome easily.

I hope you can see the difference.
 

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I don't think there is a should or should not. Your relationship is your own. If you forgave her and moved on that's wonderful. I'm saying, based on what OP has revealed about his current relationship that his wife's behavior indicates that she has not forgiven him and no longer trusts him.

Another difference is why your wife hit you? Was it because you refused sex? Because that's why OP hit his wife and so now every time he asks for sex, she's afraid she's going to get assaulted again if she says no. And he's asking for it a lot so it's bringing that pain back for her constantly. He has mixed up sex and violence for her and that can't be overcome easily.

I hope you can see the difference.
I think it might be helpful for the OP to understand the oft requirement of actual remorse for forgiveness, vs I am sorry BUT it was really her fault...
 

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I think number 8 on her list supports your conclusion best. Pervert on the other hand indicates her belief that sex stops when childbirth goals are met. If postpartum depression or that belief are the case, Then yes he will never regain her sexual interest. If the belief system is the problem, then she never loved him to start with and nothing is to be gained.



Going through the list I see two categories. The second group is the reasons she has for holding him in contempt. (pervert, stupid,etc) The first group is her excuses to act on her contempt. (violence, argument years ago, porn etc.)

Now this leads to my exception to your conclusion. If he does a lot of hard work,and fixes his problems, as he should be encouraged to do, she will still have the core of contempt for him. Realizing up front that there is no path to renewed sexual relationship will actually help him more in his journey of self improvement. Many men fail to self improvement because they are looking for a reward that is never coming. He is better off to improve for his own reward.


I don’t disagree with anything you said about the list but I think you missed where I said he needs to do this for his own sake.
 

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To be clear She is not "Sorry". And 34 years later she still claims it was my fault.
Now if the shoe doesn't fit for her, why are you so sure the shoe fits him?
Now you are positive that he struck her because she refused sex, and that she refused sex because he struck her. Now we don't have a chicken and an egg, but two eggs. Which came first.
Mrs. Nail struck me because she had a past issue with her father. Now she has mixed up me and her father in my mind. Now everytime I interact with her I think I'm her Father. That means that I need to break up this incetuous relationship as soon as possible.
Now you say that Mrs Nail gets a pass because I forgave her. And OP does not get a pass because Mrs OP did not forgive. This messed up logic has guilt determined not by what was done but by how the victim feels about it.

To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.
 

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To be clear She is not "Sorry". And 34 years later she still claims it was my fault.
Now if the shoe doesn't fit for her,
It sounds like the shoe DOES fit for her.

why are you so sure the shoe fits him?
Now you are positive that he struck her because she refused sex, and that she refused sex because he struck her. Now we don't have a chicken and an egg, but two eggs. Which came first.
Mrs. Nail struck me because she had a past issue with her father. Now she has mixed up me and her father in my mind. Now everytime I interact with her I think I'm her Father. That means that I need to break up this incetuous relationship as soon as possible.
Now you say that Mrs Nail gets a pass because I forgave her. And OP does not get a pass because Mrs OP did not forgive. This messed up logic has guilt determined not by what was done but by how the victim feels about it.

To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.
Well, I guess readying for proof of some kind of victim status of one's own bitter situation is not helpful since what you say above is not what anyone is recommending to him.
 

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To @ineedhelp1409
Go to your doctor and ask him to prescribe you escitalopram. Tell your doctor that you are suffering depression and anxiety in your marriage (this is true). There is a pretty good chance that the side effect of this drug will completely kill your sex drive (as you are looking for). It will also give you enough clarity of thought that you can make a rational decision about your future. This is taking an action to improve yourself as you have been advised. Spend more time with your kids doing things that they are interested in. Spending time with children is very good for curing anxiety.

That is the best advice I can give you, based on my own experience.
 

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To be clear She is not "Sorry". And 34 years later she still claims it was my fault.

Now you say that Mrs Nail gets a pass because I forgave her. And OP does not get a pass because Mrs OP did not forgive. This messed up logic has guilt determined not by what was done but by how the victim feels about it.

To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.
One, I don't think your wife should get a pass. And I don't think OP should get a pass either. But I do believe people can change and earn forgiveness which brings me to my next point.

Two: I have not said he's evil or unlikely to return to decency. I have recommended therapy in the hopes it will help him learn better ways to cope with his frustration and help fix his marriage or if not this marriage, he won't make the same mistake in his next.

I have no idea why she didn't want much sex originally, but I'm guessing it was because she had 2 small kids to take care of and that, mixed with hormonal changes killed her libido. It happens sometimes. They might have gotten past that with help but he screwed up by hitting her. I understand his frustration believe me. I'm just saying that was the absolute worst way to deal with it. OP says the rest of their relationship is good, but I tend to doubt that's entirely true. Once the intimacy of sex stops, other parts of the relationship often suffer as well. He just might not be seeing it as he's worrying so much about the sex aspect of their relationship.
 

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Re: Chicken and egg; hitting vs withholding

It was brought up that she was backing off the sex long before he hit her, so we can't say him hitting here is an excuse for cutting off the sex.

Fair enough.

But consider....
In hitting her, he may have only demonstrated beyond any doubt to be the kind of man she already thought or knew he was. It has been said many times on this and other threads that most women will only want to have sex with a man she feels safe with. In this case, while he hadn't hit her yet, it's likely he had already given her reason to not feel safe.

OP, this goes right back to what so many of us have been telling you. You can not blame her for your hitting here. If you can't own that, completely without trying to justify and rationalize your actions, you're going nowhere here. Now, I'll take it a step further. You need to take a serious, deep and unflinchingly, brutally honest look at your behavior before the physical violence and also own up to anything you might have done that would telegraph the potential for such behavior.
 

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Discussion Starter #117
To return to the point. A man comes in here asking for help. He is advised that he is so evil that he is unlikely to be returned to decency even by years of therapy. How is this helping. The truth is more helpful. She is not interested in him sexually she has said it in words, she has demonstrated it in actions. Why? Because he is , in her eyes a Stupid Pervert. That is the truth he needs. The cold hard truth of her cold hard heart. The sooner he understands that she hates him, the sooner he can get on to fixing himself. As long as he is improving himself only with the hopes of romancing this Stone, he will continue to bash his head against that wall.
:smile2:
 

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Discussion Starter #118
One, I don't think your wife should get a pass. And I don't think OP should get a pass either. But I do believe people can change and earn forgiveness which brings me to my next point.

Two: I have not said he's evil or unlikely to return to decency. I have recommended therapy in the hopes it will help him learn better ways to cope with his frustration and help fix his marriage or if not this marriage, he won't make the same mistake in his next.

I have no idea why she didn't want much sex originally, but I'm guessing it was because she had 2 small kids to take care of and that, mixed with hormonal changes killed her libido. It happens sometimes. They might have gotten past that with help but he screwed up by hitting her. I understand his frustration believe me. I'm just saying that was the absolute worst way to deal with it. OP says the rest of their relationship is good, but I tend to doubt that's entirely true. Once the intimacy of sex stops, other parts of the relationship often suffer as well. He just might not be seeing it as he's worrying so much about the sex aspect of their relationship.
:smile2: Atleast someone balanced the equation a bit.
 

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First and foremost, never raise a hand. I have learned over the years that even the most inconsequential physical assault, can be marriage ending. People just do not know how not to lash out, and it DOES COUNT. Brief story, one client was the nicest guy in the world. Honestly he was the guy who would NEVER harm a fly. (I actually saw him put a spider on a piece of paper, and take it outside.) So, I was floored when he approached me for advice as his marriage was ending over domestic violence. Turned out, that his wife would punch him every so often, in anger. He would never think of reacting in kind. This went from little "love taps" as she called them when they first married, and escalated from there. So, when he made his appointment, and DV was in the reason line, I could not believe it. I believed it, he came in looking like he had been in a donnybrook. He said he finally had enough, and she hit him. He explained to her, that if she continued, he would hit her back. She went downright medieval on him. He still could not bring himself to respond. I had the best idea. We took off his shirt, and photographed him. The bruises and abrasions were less than 24 hours old. Then a brief call to one of my attorneys, and we presented ourselves at the local constabulary. We showed the pictures and they took his complaint. Several hours later, he gets the call. "I can't believe you had me charged." "You goddamned wimp, I am going to make you regret ever going to the police" I was listening in on the call. I chimed in, "Sorry, you are being recorded, and I am proceeding to the police once more, we will be upping the charge to include uttering (threats)." I got the usual f. u. and I also got her arrested and put in the tank for the night. We were in arraignment court the next morning. She turned around and pleaded with him, "If you love me, you won't send me to jail." This time, nope, nada, nothing. We affected at that point a separation. We also got an RO. She was absolutely desperate for the charges to be withdrawn. We kept them apart for several months. Let her stew. As the court date approached, she, in desperation, was contacting my office to set up lines of communication. We waited until the day before court. Placed a post nup in front of her. In that post nup, if she dared lay a hand on him again, she would forfeit everything they had acquired in the marriage, and domestic violence charges would be laid and she would be prosecuted and face imprisonment. She asked what we would do? We agreed to drop the charges, and they would reconcile slowly. He dated her, and slowly re-integrated her back into his life. She needed to undertake anger management courses, and she needed to tell her parents and his why they separated, and what she needed to do to get her marriage back.

It has now been almost ten years since. She has not ever raised a hand again. The anger management uncovered a little child abuse that happened in her background. Seems she saw her dad hurt her mother many times. It was family practice to gloss over the dirty little secret. She had carried that secret for a long time, and did not realize that it colored a lot of relationships.
 
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