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Is my sexual drive normal ? or I am getting too demanding, what its like for a normal average man of my age?
I'm 54 I need sex nearly every day.
What's not normal is a wife that is not interested in forfilling your needs before her own.
Like I assume your are willing to forfill hers before your own?
 

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I think your sex drive is normal. I consider myself similar except I am 15 years older than you. The older I get, the less important sex is, but I share your feelings.

My wife sounds very similar to yours. I have been married for over 30 years. I feel your pain.

For my wife, I believe she has certain hangups about sex due to her upbringing. Her father was an alcoholic. Shamed her about her body. About sexuality. When she was sixteen her father would tell her she looked like a **** if her jeans were too tight. Accused her of being a ****. I don't think she was abused sexually, but it really wouldn't surprise me if she was.

My wife is very concerned with how she looks. She spends a lot of time on her hair and makeup. Spends a lot of time worrying about the clothes she is wearing. She works out every day. Not to attract me or other people, but because she is ashamed of her looks and wants to look better. She had an eating disorder for a bit in college. She is very pretty and gets compliments about her looks all the time from me and others. Her friends all kid her about how young and good she looks compared to them. None of that is enough for her.

She rarely initiates sex. We have sex a couple of times a month. It takes her a while to get going. Typically she just pushes me away, but when she doesn't, it will take a while to get her in the mood. Lots of affection, talking, caressing (neck and back rubs), etc before anything sexual. At a certain point, it is like her body gives way to her emotions. The conflict between her mind telling her sex is bad and her body telling her it feels good, flips a switch. When that switch gets flipped, she can be very sexual. Gets her turned on when I talk dirty. Lightly spanking her when she is on top of me. It is like she can't have a normal sex life. It is either off or kinky.
 

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Is my sexual drive normal ? or I am getting too demanding, what its like for a normal average man of my age?
Dear God man!

For many, you're not getting enough sex.

You're not "too demanding". For most, having a good sex life isn't near as hard as what you're describing.

For many, being able to have good communication with their SO isn't nearly as hard and unproductive as you're describing.

No, you definitely aren't being too demanding.

You aren't being demanding enough. Reread this several times.

Being demanding might be what you're W might be trying to get you to be, and you're not listening.

Unless something changes she's going to find another person to be "that man".

Believe that.

If nothing changes things will worsen for you, or at best stay the same until she finds another.

You can do it. Listen to what folks are saying here.

Be the man. Or if it's not you, you may have to find another mate.

Good luck!
 

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A couple of questions first...

I am a man of 40 years
How old is your wife?

I am a Graphic Designer and Photographer, mostly home based job. My wife is well qualified and has regular job in a multinational company from Monday to Friday.
Who makes more money?

Now the kids are 3-5 years and they go to day care and a nanny also takes care of them.
I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time.
When not being watched by the nanny or at daycare, who does most of the child rearing? You, your wife, or do you split time equally?

Who does most of the housekeeping? You, your wife, or do you split chores evenly?

I feel like having sex at least once or twice a week, or three times maximum if circumstances allow.
How often does your wife state she would like having sex?

She does does not make any noise or move much while doing this all
Was she vocal before or this a new thing for her?

She never gives blow jobs
Did she give them before or this a new thing?

She never tells her desires.
Has she always been like this or is this a new thing?

Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex.
I hate to break it to you but this may be her new normal. Are you willing to engage in the kind of sexual practices she finds appealing?
Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.
If she's into rougher sex and/or BDSM, do you think she might be saying the same thing about you? That sex is not happening correctly and passionately enough for her?

-----------------

I did read a few things you posted that made me cringe after reading.

I try to push her lot for sex almost all the time because i am unable to make out when she will agree or when circumstances will allow.
then I push her a lot, sometimes i ask her to open the door once she is done with her shower, she allows me lick her boobs for 3 seconds each.
Please listen to me.....STOP doing these things!. I am a sexual woman and just the idea of having an SO grabbing at my boobs willy nilly (when I am not in a sexual mood) or pushing me to allow him to lick my tits makes me want to throw up.

If the only time you engage her in affection is to push for sex, then you are absolutely reinforcing the idea that all you want from her is sex. Imagine for a second that the only times your wife kisses you is right before she asks you for spending money, money that she will whine about if she doesn't get it. Eventually you will most likely grow to resent her and avoid her kisses because you know what's coming afterwards. Same thing is happening when you push for sex all of the time.

I dont feel like going out at night, or inviting guests at night, or go for movie nights or anything which which may ruin my chances of having sex with her.
This is called a Covert Contract. You are only going out on date nights and inviting guests to the house in exchange for sex. Whether you realize it or not, just like when you push for sex all of the time, this reinforces to your wife that you only care to do things with her in order to get sex. You don't want to spend time with her because she's an enjoyable person. You want to spend time with her because you want to get in her pants. In her mind, she could be any other woman and it wouldn't matter to you.

Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations, But that also didn't help either.
Unless she enjoys this sort of talk, you probably should have stopped after the first time.

At occasions I have waited for long hours and she refused, frustrating me to the core and I slapped her once I had fought on this with her. Its wrong on my part.
Slapping your wife in anger because YOU are frustrated. You appear weak when you can't control your temper especially when it pertains to sex. It's childish. It's a turnoff to most women because who the hell wants to **** a child who throws tantrum and gets physically violent after not getting what he wants?
 

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A couple of questions first...



How old is your wife?

Answer. 39


Who makes more money?
Answer. Almost similar money.


When not being watched by the nanny or at daycare, who does most of the child rearing? You, your wife, or do you split time equally?


Answer. Equal time mostly, but she takes quite much more care of the kids than me. She is very intricate about needs of the kids. A very good mother.

Who does most of the housekeeping? You, your wife, or do you split chores evenly?

Answer. We have lot of people working for us, nobody has to do anything, we just see servants have done it or not.


How often does your wife state she would like having sex?
Answer. Never


Was she vocal before or this a new thing for her?
Answer. 5 Years back she was bit vocal, moaned a bit, sometimes asked me to go deeper ... but now its pin drop silence.



Did she give them before or this a new thing?
Answer. In span of 6-7 years, around 5 blow jobs... last was 3 years back.



Has she always been like this or is this a new thing?
Answer. 5-6 years ago she use to ask me lot of things to do, sex toys, bit of roughness lite bdsm .. kind.


I hate to break it to you but this may be her new normal. Are you willing to engage in the kind of sexual practices she finds appealing?
Answer. I would do anything she wants. I love her to the core ...i am not at all bored with her to anything she wants.

If she's into rougher sex and/or BDSM, do you think she might be saying the same thing about you? That sex is not happening correctly and passionately enough for her?

Answer. I have been saying .... to change positions and do new things ... she is stuck on 1 position. And gone silent, the max she does for me is lie down, see porn and i finger to give an orgasm with clothes on, then she allows me to remove her pants and do a missionary. And then wears back ... In 6-7 years she has never slept nude while me hugging her, i would love it ... its so natural...a kind of feeling u are closest to nature without anything on and just feeling each other.
-----------------

I did read a few things you posted that made me cringe after reading.

Please listen to me.....STOP doing these things!. I am a sexual woman and just the idea of having an SO grabbing at my boobs willy nilly (when I am not in a sexual mood) or pushing me to allow him to lick my tits makes me want to throw up.

Answer. She never allows to lick her boobs since she never undresses. Once I knocked while she was taking shower and she opened the door, i asked and pushed a bit to hug her nude, then i slowly licked her boobs for 2-5 seconds. Since then I knock many times, sometimes she opens some times she doesn't ....I know what hopeless way to do this .... but i am only doing for the sake of the opportunity, i dont think she will ever allow to do this in bed. For arousal, Even she doesnt allow to lick her *****, for that i have follow a different procedure....I first give a orgasm using fingers, then i do missionary as i told ... then if she has the mood, she will ask me to lick her clit and ask me another orgasm using fingers while licking clit. She gets angry I try to lick her ***** just like that ..... Lol ..... All this such a big humongous tremendous project for me ..... that I have to lot of waiting, hardwork, thinking, planning, timing ... that how will it be whenever she says yes.... and if kid wakes up in between ... whole thing collapses. I feel frustrated and but its humorous also ... that what a beggar i have become.

If the only time you engage her in affection is to push for sex, then you are absolutely reinforcing the idea that all you want from her is sex. Imagine for a second that the only times your wife kisses you is right before she asks you for spending money, money that she will whine about if she doesn't get it. Eventually you will most likely grow to resent her and avoid her kisses because you know what's coming afterwards. Same thing is happening when you push for sex all of the time.

Answer. I kiss her and hug a lot, i just love her touching with love and pranks. She doesnt like that too. She has a very strong perception that I am a pervert. I know I need sex ... but not all the time thinking abt it. For eg. we have to out somewhere .. and If do sex before going out with her, i feel more energetic and i am able to focus more on her shopping needs etc. because I feel very satisfied after having sex, i am able to think more and do more stuff, talk more with her... otherwise ... there is a element of incompleteness in me and kind of sadness too. For me sex is like good food. (I many be wrong in this too)thats why i am introspecting and opening up here. I asked her to introspect too, but her perception stops that i am pervert.



This is called a Covert Contract. You are only going out on date nights and inviting guests to the house in exchange for sex. Whether you realize it or not, just like when you push for sex all of the time, this reinforces to your wife that you only care to do things with her in order to get sex. You don't want to spend time with her because she's an enjoyable person. You want to spend time with her because you want to get in her pants. In her mind, she could be any other woman and it wouldn't matter to you.

Answer. You are correct, she has this perception that I only want sex from her. But no ... i am a creative person, i love exploring the places, doing new things, i have diverse interests, i have been a professional dj too. As I need Good Food (Sex) to do all this....you can lock me for days with her in a room and i can talk with her, relating to everything about in the world.



Unless she enjoys this sort of talk, you probably should have stopped after the first time.

Answer. Once we went to a party, she was looking gorgeous. One of our relative was staring at her and admiring her attractiveness, he is much elder than us ... but not old ... he invited her to dance and it was a family marriage. My wife was blushing and was enjoying it too, i was watching. He was also happy and not flirting ... but admiring her attractiveness. So when we came back ... we had sex and I talked dirty fantasy about threesomes and doing kinky things together, she had comparatively good sex sex that day. So I thought , i could talk dirty like this too ... maybe that will arouse her more. But as days passed by .. i re-tried same thing ... it didnt work. But she loves watching Public Disgrace Series / BDSM Gangbang where there is lot of pain and torture. This again confuses me ... what should I talk or not talk. I do watch with her but that doesn't arouse me ... for me touch of my wife and response arouses me. All this is very puzzling.



Slapping your wife in anger because YOU are frustrated. You appear weak when you can't control your temper especially when it pertains to sex. It's childish. It's a turnoff to most women because who the hell wants to **** a child who throws tantrum and gets physically violent after not getting what he wants?
Answer. Its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. She is truly an angel has helped me a lot in life, but after 2-3 years of frustration my anger burst.


========================
Thanks for devoting time to listen to my problem. You have asked very valid questions of introspection.
 

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I have a good friend who is of Indian descent. She tells me that culturally, Indian women expect their spouse to be the bread winners and that they compare their spouses to each other. Do you think this is an issue for your wife? Is she comparing you with her friends' husbands and finding you lacking.

Was she vocal before or this a new thing for her?
Answer. 5 Years back she was bit vocal, moaned a bit, sometimes asked me to go deeper ... but now its pin drop silence.

Did she give them before or this a new thing?
Answer. In span of 6-7 years, around 5 blow jobs... last was 3 years back.

Has she always been like this or is this a new thing?
Answer. 5-6 years ago she use to ask me lot of things to do, sex toys, bit of roughness lite bdsm .. kind.
Doing the math and based on the information you provided that says you two were married after your first was born, it sounds like you two have been married <5 years and it sounds like you were dating about 2 years before that? How long exactly did you date before you had your first child?

I'm just throwing this out there but you two may not have dated long enough before you got pregnant and then married. Those New Relationship Hormones were probably fueling her sex drive at the beginning of the relationship (as is the case normally) and have since waned. Your situation may be unfixable.

I hate to break it to you but this may be her new normal. Are you willing to engage in the kind of sexual practices she finds appealing?
Answer. I would do anything she wants. I love her to the core ...i am not at all bored with her to anything she wants.

If she's into rougher sex and/or BDSM, do you think she might be saying the same thing about you? That sex is not happening correctly and passionately enough for her?

Answer. I have been saying .... to change positions and do new things ... she is stuck on 1 position. And gone silent, the max she does for me is lie down, see porn and i finger to give an orgasm with clothes on, then she allows me to remove her pants and do a missionary. And then wears back ... In 6-7 years she has never slept nude while me hugging her, i would love it ... its so natural...a kind of feeling u are closest to nature without anything on and just feeling each other.
She has never wanted to sleep in the nude. You knew this before you married her so why are you pushing her to do that now?


I did read a few things you posted that made me cringe after reading.

Please listen to me.....STOP doing these things!. I am a sexual woman and just the idea of having an SO grabbing at my boobs willy nilly (when I am not in a sexual mood) or pushing me to allow him to lick my tits makes me want to throw up.

Answer. She never allows to lick her boobs since she never undresses. Once I knocked while she was taking shower and she opened the door, i asked and pushed a bit to hug her nude, then i slowly licked her boobs for 2-5 seconds. Since then I knock many times, sometimes she opens some times she doesn't ....I know what hopeless way to do this .... but i am only doing for the sake of the opportunity, i dont think she will ever allow to do this in bed. For arousal, Even she doesnt allow to lick her *****, for that i have follow a different procedure....I first give a orgasm using fingers, then i do missionary as i told ... then if she has the mood, she will ask me to lick her clit and ask me another orgasm using fingers while licking clit. She gets angry I try to lick her ***** just like that ..... Lol ..... All this such a big humongous tremendous project for me ..... that I have to lot of waiting, hardwork, thinking, planning, timing ... that how will it be whenever she says yes.... and if kid wakes up in between ... whole thing collapses. I feel frustrated and but its humorous also ... that what a beggar i have become.
There are a whole lot of "I", "I", "I"s in this response. It's you pushing to lick her boobs, you pushing to lick her clit, you feeling like you have to make a big project out of it to get what you want. Man, I am going to tell you straight up, not trying to be mean but I would be completely turned off by you.

You are absolutely entitled to have sexual desires and wants. However you ARE NOT entitled to perform those sexual acts on your reluctant wife. She has autonomy just like you.

If this is something you feel you cannot live without, then it's time to divorce.

If the only time you engage her in affection is to push for sex, then you are absolutely reinforcing the idea that all you want from her is sex. Imagine for a second that the only times your wife kisses you is right before she asks you for spending money, money that she will whine about if she doesn't get it. Eventually you will most likely grow to resent her and avoid her kisses because you know what's coming afterwards. Same thing is happening when you push for sex all of the time.

Answer. I kiss her and hug a lot, i just love her touching with love and pranks. She doesnt like that too. She has a very strong perception that I am a pervert. I know I need sex ... but not all the time thinking abt it. For eg. we have to out somewhere .. and If do sex before going out with her, i feel more energetic and i am able to focus more on her shopping needs etc. because I feel very satisfied after having sex, i am able to think more and do more stuff, talk more with her... otherwise ... there is a element of incompleteness in me and kind of sadness too. For me sex is like good food. (I many be wrong in this too)thats why i am introspecting and opening up here. I asked her to introspect too, but her perception stops that i am pervert.


This is called a Covert Contract. You are only going out on date nights and inviting guests to the house in exchange for sex. Whether you realize it or not, just like when you push for sex all of the time, this reinforces to your wife that you only care to do things with her in order to get sex. You don't want to spend time with her because she's an enjoyable person. You want to spend time with her because you want to get in her pants. In her mind, she could be any other woman and it wouldn't matter to you.

Answer. You are correct, she has this perception that I only want sex from her. But no ... i am a creative person, i love exploring the places, doing new things, i have diverse interests, i have been a professional dj too. As I need Good Food (Sex) to do all this....you can lock me for days with her in a room and i can talk with her, relating to everything about in the world.
Again, a whole lot of "I"s and "me's" in this response. What would happen if she was no longer a part of your life? How would you feed your sexual needs in order to avoid feeling "incomplete"?


Unless she enjoys this sort of talk, you probably should have stopped after the first time.

Answer. Once we went to a party, she was looking gorgeous. One of our relative was staring at her and admiring her attractiveness, he is much elder than us ... but not old ... he invited her to dance and it was a family marriage. My wife was blushing and was enjoying it too, i was watching. He was also happy and not flirting ... but admiring her attractiveness. So when we came back ... we had sex and I talked dirty fantasy about threesomes and doing kinky things together, she had comparatively good sex sex that day. So I thought , i could talk dirty like this too ... maybe that will arouse her more. But as days passed by .. i re-tried same thing ... it didnt work. But she loves watching Public Disgrace Series / BDSM Gangbang where there is lot of pain and torture. This again confuses me ... what should I talk or not talk. I do watch with her but that doesn't arouse me ... for me touch of my wife and response arouses me. All this is very puzzling.
Have you told your wife how much you do not like watching her type of porn? If so, what was her response?



Slapping your wife in anger because YOU are frustrated. You appear weak when you can't control your temper especially when it pertains to sex. It's childish. It's a turnoff to most women because who the hell wants to **** a child who throws tantrum and gets physically violent after not getting what he wants?

Answer. Its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. She is truly an angel has helped me a lot in life, but after 2-3 years of frustration my anger burst.
See this is why I think a lot of your problems are you own doing. You feel justified in your actions even when you are being told to stop them or they were wrong.

When you say "its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. she is truly an angel that has helped me a lot if like" that should be the end of the sentence. But no, you justified your actions (slapping her) by saying you were angry after 2-3 years of feeling frustration. That makes it seem like you really aren't sorry you slapped her. You feel slapping her was justified. Not cool.
 

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When you say "its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. she is truly an angel that has helped me a lot if like" that should be the end of the sentence. But no, you justified your actions (slapping her) by saying you were angry after 2-3 years of feeling frustration. That makes it seem like you really aren't sorry you slapped her. You feel slapping her was justified. Not cool.

Core truth right here.
 

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Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.
I cannot say why your wife has stopped smooching.

But I did tell you why some women stop smooching. It's a very intimate type of touch. When the bond between a couple is broken because the woman's oxytocin levels are too low, she does not want to be touched... that includes smooching. The way to fix this is to spend more time with her in the ways that I suggested so that her oxytocin levels go up. Once they are up, she will want to be touched and want to smooch.

Have you ordered the books yet?
 

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Answer. Its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. She is truly an angel has helped me a lot in life, but after 2-3 years of frustration my anger burst.


========================
Thanks for devoting time to listen to my problem. You have asked very valid questions of introspection.
It is not just wrong, no matter how you feel, it is assault. It is battery. It is illegal. It is not "wrong but". It is DEAD WRONG. Do you want to tell me you want to be loving with someone who HIT you among the many other demanding and unloving things you have been doing?
 

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Discussion Starter #70
Core truth right here.
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
 

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Discussion Starter #71
It is not just wrong, no matter how you feel, it is assault. It is battery. It is illegal. It is not "wrong but". It is DEAD WRONG. Do you want to tell me you want to be loving with someone who HIT you among the many other demanding and unloving things you have been doing?
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
 

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Discussion Starter #72
I have a good friend who is of Indian descent. She tells me that culturally, Indian women expect their spouse to be the bread winners and that they compare their spouses to each other. Do you think this is an issue for your wife? Is she comparing you with her friends' husbands and finding you lacking.



Doing the math and based on the information you provided that says you two were married after your first was born, it sounds like you two have been married <5 years and it sounds like you were dating about 2 years before that? How long exactly did you date before you had your first child?

I'm just throwing this out there but you two may not have dated long enough before you got pregnant and then married. Those New Relationship Hormones were probably fueling her sex drive at the beginning of the relationship (as is the case normally) and have since waned. Your situation may be unfixable.



She has never wanted to sleep in the nude. You knew this before you married her so why are you pushing her to do that now?




There are a whole lot of "I", "I", "I"s in this response. It's you pushing to lick her boobs, you pushing to lick her clit, you feeling like you have to make a big project out of it to get what you want. Man, I am going to tell you straight up, not trying to be mean but I would be completely turned off by you.

You are absolutely entitled to have sexual desires and wants. However you ARE NOT entitled to perform those sexual acts on your reluctant wife. She has autonomy just like you.

If this is something you feel you cannot live without, then it's time to divorce.



Again, a whole lot of "I"s and "me's" in this response. What would happen if she was no longer a part of your life? How would you feed your sexual needs in order to avoid feeling "incomplete"?




Have you told your wife how much you do not like watching her type of porn? If so, what was her response?





See this is why I think a lot of your problems are you own doing. You feel justified in your actions even when you are being told to stop them or they were wrong.

When you say "its wrong to hit such a nice woman or any woman. she is truly an angel that has helped me a lot if like" that should be the end of the sentence. But no, you justified your actions (slapping her) by saying you were angry after 2-3 years of feeling frustration. That makes it seem like you really aren't sorry you slapped her. You feel slapping her was justified. Not cool.
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
 

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I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.
You don't owe us an apology. Regardless, your second sentence renders your first sentence useless, incorrect and deceptive. And any apology would be hollow.
 

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Discussion Starter #74
I cannot say why your wife has stopped smooching.

But I did tell you why some women stop smooching. It's a very intimate type of touch. When the bond between a couple is broken because the woman's oxytocin levels are too low, she does not want to be touched... that includes smooching. The way to fix this is to spend more time with her in the ways that I suggested so that her oxytocin levels go up. Once they are up, she will want to be touched and want to smooch.

Have you ordered the books yet?
Yes, i will sure read the books you mentioned.
 

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I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
On one hand you apologize, but on the other, you keep trying to provide justification.

There is NO justification for hitting your wife. NONE. So just drop it. Every time you offer rationalization, you only cement the notion that you are not truly remorseful and that you are still trying to transfer blame for YOUR actions. Just.... stop....

(and oh, by the way, international relations are a piss poor example of how to conduct intimate interpersonal relationships)
 

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I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).


You mean to say below should be followed.
In the discussion above, looks like i found solutions. I have to fight within myself, excercise self control on my sexual desires. Act happy in front of her so that she doesnt come to know whats going on within me. Should have sex when she asks and as she likes. Try to minimize physical touches / hugs / kisses every now and then, which irritate her. Try to become more of a friend than husband. Maintain distance so that she has her own space. I should cheat secretly if there is chance. So that marriage is saved for the sake of kids. I need to forget "I" exists, should focus on "she". I should earn more so that she wins on comparing with her friends husbands icomes etc.
I didn't say anything of the sort but it's interesting that you read it like that.


What I did do is ask lots of questions in order to try to figure out WHY your wife finds you sexually repulsive. Your response above is either your frustrations coming out or your selfishness and ego making itself known. The jury is still out.

You are correct ! >> Your situation may be unfixable.

Only solution left is to Pray to God for peace.
No. What I said was that you could divorce and find someone who is more sexually compatible.

But i am not going to justify hitting her, but will give u an recent example of India.

India is a peace loving nation. Neighboring nation has been doing terrorism on since years. We have been avoiding voilence and war at larger scale for years. There was a large attack on our army recently. Complete India burst into anger and frustration of years came on to roads in terms of agitation for corrective action. India did Surgical strikes on army.

I will give u another example.
A child tries to insert his fingers in electric socket.
You cover the socket with tape.
He removes the tape, and again inserts the finger in socket.
You put a cupboard in front of the socket so that its un rechable.
Then the kid removes the cupboard somehow and again tries to insert his fingers.
You are left with only 2 solutions...
Slap him and make him understand its painful and wrong to do like that.
A stubborn kid, will still poke fingers .....

You will have solution ... then just pray to god that good sense prevails on him.

I am against voilence, its the worst thing for humanity. But sometimes
it needs to excersised for larger picture of achieving peace.
Maybe your wife needs to start kicking you in the balls every time you do something she doesn't like. Like you said sometimes violence is exercised for the larger picture of achieving peace (rolling eyes here)

I again repeat,
I apologize for hitting her to everyone here, i will go to her and apologize too. (on a serious note).
I was giving you the benefit of the doubt but nope, I know exactly why your wife won't have intimate sex with you. You dug your own grave.
 

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Kissing - is a big thing. And this tight lip behavior was a strong signal from your wife - to you.

Why have you not asked her about this issue which is now four years in the making?

It is a bad sign (statistically) when a married person (man or woman) invests a lot of effort into making themselves more attractive, but clearly lacks desire for their partner. Sometimes this is simply a pre departure training regime so they can hit the ground running in their post divorce dating activities.

I have no idea whether your wife is or is not faithful to you. I will say that I find it odd that you are so certain that she is faithful given that in the modern world - people have lunch breaks and can use those however they wish.
1. You appear to be afraid to ask her basic questions such as - why don’t you kiss me like you used to?
2. Why have you lost your desire for me?
3. Do you want me to be more rough when we have sex?
4. Are you turned off or resentful of the fact that you make more money than I do?

If you wish to fix your sex life you need to overcome your fear of having a painful conversation with your wife, which means overcoming your fear of her.

In my experience, the avoidance of these type questions has a single root cause - fear. And generally speaking, a fearsome partner, is not attracted to their fearful spouse.

One last thing. In most cases - trying to jam yourself into your partners calendar for X number of hours a week in the vain hope of getting laid more often - is extremely counterproductive. If your wife felt ignored or deprioritized, you would almost certainly know that by now.



I have currently ruled out affairs. But i appreciate your help.
Tight lips started 4 years back or more ...
 

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Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.

But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.
Look up touch aversion... and a few other psych or neuro issues.

Here's the thing. You're fighting culture and likely FOO, or family of origin. And someone who's in mommy mode or worker mode but not in PARTNER mode.

Take it from someone who understands Desi culture... She needs positive role models of intimacy and she ain't getting them. So to her it's a chore. After a while at least.

I'd look for an Indian or Asian PhD or PsyD level therapist and propose counseling. Or else. Else is up for grabs btw. I would not hold much hope but regardless...

Keep in mind that like a lot of women from these places they value earning potential. And hard work. And status. And, FML, even if you have all those you're still screwed because she'd think you don't work hard enough..

Bottom line from my 35 years of marriage (D - 15 days to single status) to someone from a similar culture and mindset, I would not hold my breath.



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