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Discussion Starter #41
One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on.

To me it sounds like the two of you have allowed you relationship fade away. When this happens, women often lose their desire for sex. A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing date-like things (quality time). If you don't do this, you get the kind of relationship you have.

Humans are chemical engines, meaning that everything in your body is run by chemicals. The chemicals/hormones dopamine, oxytocin and other feel-good bonding hormones are required to keep a couple bounded together. When you don't spend the 15 hours or more together in quality time, your brain steps down the amount of dopamine, oxytocin, etc. that is manufactured and uptake in your brain. You lose the attachment (what we call love and attraction). Women are more susceptible to this than men. Studies have shown that women whose oxytocin levels fall too low do not want to be touched, thus do not want sex.

The good news is that there is a way to rebuild your relationship, get the good hormones flowing and rebuild your relationship into one with strong passion.

There are two books that talk about how to do this. They are meant to be read in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". First you read the Love busters book and you both stop doing the love busters that are killing your relationship. Then you both read the HN/HN book and do the work it lays out.

If you want a good relationship, you have to do the work that builds a good relationship. So far you two have not, you have been doing everything to grow apart.
"One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on."

I agree ... but 15 Hours a week.
Can you please help me out ... how to distribute these 15 hours in a week.
What all things I can do. (Considering in evenings and weekends we have kids with us). Though we can leave the kids for few hours with nanny.

Your words are helpful.
 

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Who picked that gym anyway . her or you . when did this all change before she started going to the gym or after . did the kissing you with closed tight lips happen before her starting the gym or after . and then out of the blue she want to change gyms and waer a bathing suit but doesn't want you to see her nude . really think about this .
 

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Few things I am confused about after all the discussions above are :

1. If she doesnt want to get nude with me, why she wants swim and wear a swim suit.
2. Gyming / Making your body fit is for 2 reasons - To be health wise fit and to be attractive. Does becoming attractive will not give your desire to have sex and being admired and loved?
3. She devotes more time, energy, finances on kids than me .. I take care of a different Set eg. paying fee for Day Cares / Nannys etc. Does she think I am not doing for the household ... and thats making her off ?

Its very puzzling ...
She is wanting her boyfriend to see her in it and how sexy she looks so he will keep giving her what he already is . she is doing for him and not you . wake up man really it is really sad that you are not getting what everyone is saying to you . the way you are denial you probably wouldn't believe it if you walked in on her and the other man having sex in your bed . you would probably still be saying she isn't cheating on me . all the signs are there right in front of you .
 

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Discussion Starter #44
Who picked that gym anyway . her or you . when did this all change before she started going to the gym or after . did the kissing you with closed tight lips happen before her starting the gym or after . and then out of the blue she want to change gyms and waer a bathing suit but doesn't want you to see her nude . really think about this .
I have currently ruled out affairs. But i appreciate your help.
Tight lips started 4 years back or more ...
 

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Discussion Starter #45
She is wanting her boyfriend to see her in it and how sexy she looks so he will keep giving her what he already is . she is doing for him and not you . wake up man really it is really sad that you are not getting what everyone is saying to you . the way you are denial you probably wouldn't believe it if you walked in on her and the other man having sex in your bed . you would probably still be saying she isn't cheating on me . all the signs are there right in front of you .
I have currently ruled out affairs. But i appreciate your help.
 

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EleGirl said:
One thing you need to keep in mind when you read the posts here is that the first thing most people on this site will tell you is that your wife is cheating... it's the go-to diagnosis around here. Love them all but it's often not what's going on."

I agree ... but 15 Hours a week.
Can you please help me out ... how to distribute these 15 hours in a week.
What all things I can do. (Considering in evenings and weekends we have kids with us). Though we can leave the kids for few hours with nanny.

Your words are helpful.
How many children do you have and how old are they?

Yes, 15 hours a week can be a challenge when you have children, jobs, etc. But it can be done. The time frames can be 1-2 hours a night during the work week (Monday - Friday) and the rest of the time divided up on the weekends for one or two longer dates.

For dates you can go out to an intimate dinner and/or dancing, depending on what is the norm where you live. Going out to a movie is not quality time because you are both focused on the movie and not each other. I like dates that are doing things like taking long walks along the river, holding hands, talking... just being together. A good date does not have to be expensive. You should plan for one date away from home and the children once a week if at all possible.

Another good way to build your relationship is to take short trips. Even an overnight trip and stay at a hotel can do wonders for a relationship.

On weeknights after your children are in bed or when you two can steal an hour or two to spend quality time together simply snuggling and talking. You could have drinks (alcoholic or not) and dessert/snacks. This can lead to sex too (time spent is sexual intimacy counts too).

Take a bath together and pamper each other.

At times, when your children are awake and the nanny is there to watch them, you can go off together at home and have an at-home date (we used to do that in our bedroom suite). Or you could go out for a walk together, hold hands, talk, etc.

Sometimes reading books or watching TV can be quality time if you are together and talk about what you are watching/reading. For example, my husband read aloud books on topics that we were both interested in. Then we would discuss them, usually chapter by chapter. I realize that not everyone would like this, but we are nerds and love it.

Another thing we did when we had at-home dates was to play a same I bought that was sort of a card game, well a sex card game. Players would get cards that told them what they had to do. That one would have us laughing our heads off every time we played.

Some couples develop a hobby that they can learn together. For example, take dancing lessons or learning to scuba diving lessons; or maybe painting, or jewelry making, or hiking, or...... just something that you can both learn together and do together.

I knew a couple who took scuba diving classes. We live in the New Mexico high desert. The deepest water around here are swimming pools. That's where they took their lessons. They would take scuba diving vacations to the Caribbean a couple of times a year. Their underwater videos were amazing. I really think that this is the thing that kept them close.... a shared passion.

If you cannot think of things to talk about, then try a conversation starter book. There are also conversation starter websites too. I have a couple of conversation starter books, they worked really well to give us things that talk about that started us talking. Here are just a few that I found on one website.

What is something that you are dreading?
Tell me about a time you almost died.
What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
What’s most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
What’s better than great sex?
What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?
What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
What have you struggled with your entire life?
What would be the coolest hobby to have?
If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
What toy played the biggest part in your childhood?
What were the three most important turning points in your life?
What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
What job do you think you were born to do?
What are you most sentimental about?
What has taken up too much of your life?
What do I do that makes you the happiest?
https://conversationstartersworld.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/

All that said, you have to read the books and do the work that they tell you to do. If you can get your wife to read the books with you and do the work, that’s the best solution here.
 

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Discussion Starter #50
How many children do you have and how old are they?

Yes, 15 hours a week can be a challenge when you have children, jobs, etc. But it can be done. The time frames can be 1-2 hours a night during the work week (Monday - Friday) and the rest of the time divided up on the weekends for one or two longer dates.

For dates you can go out to an intimate dinner and/or dancing, depending on what is the norm where you live. Going out to a movie is not quality time because you are both focused on the movie and not each other. I like dates that are doing things like taking long walks along the river, holding hands, talking... just being together. A good date does not have to be expensive. You should plan for one date away from home and the children once a week if at all possible.

Another good way to build your relationship is to take short trips. Even an overnight trip and stay at a hotel can do wonders for a relationship.

On weeknights after your children are in bed or when you two can steal an hour or two to spend quality time together simply snuggling and talking. You could have drinks (alcoholic or not) and dessert/snacks. This can lead to sex too (time spent is sexual intimacy counts too).

Take a bath together and pamper each other.

At times, when your children are awake and the nanny is there to watch them, you can go off together at home and have an at-home date (we used to do that in our bedroom suite). Or you could go out for a walk together, hold hands, talk, etc.

Sometimes reading books or watching TV can be quality time if you are together and talk about what you are watching/reading. For example, my husband read aloud books on topics that we were both interested in. Then we would discuss them, usually chapter by chapter. I realize that not everyone would like this, but we are nerds and love it.

Another thing we did when we had at-home dates was to play a same I bought that was sort of a card game, well a sex card game. Players would get cards that told them what they had to do. That one would have us laughing our heads off every time we played.

Some couples develop a hobby that they can learn together. For example, take dancing lessons or learning to scuba diving lessons; or maybe painting, or jewelry making, or hiking, or...... just something that you can both learn together and do together.

I knew a couple who took scuba diving classes. We live in the New Mexico high desert. The deepest water around here are swimming pools. That's where they took their lessons. They would take scuba diving vacations to the Caribbean a couple of times a year. Their underwater videos were amazing. I really think that this is the thing that kept them close.... a shared passion.

If you cannot think of things to talk about, then try a conversation starter book. There are also conversation starter websites too. I have a couple of conversation starter books, they worked really well to give us things that talk about that started us talking. Here are just a few that I found on one website.

What is something that you are dreading?
Tell me about a time you almost died.
What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
What’s most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
What’s better than great sex?
What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?
What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
What have you struggled with your entire life?
What would be the coolest hobby to have?
If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
What toy played the biggest part in your childhood?
What were the three most important turning points in your life?
What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
What job do you think you were born to do?
What are you most sentimental about?
What has taken up too much of your life?
What do I do that makes you the happiest?
https://conversationstartersworld.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/

All that said, you have to read the books and do the work that they tell you to do. If you can get your wife to read the books with you and do the work, that’s the best solution here.
Thanks for your help. Its very useful.
 

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Discussion Starter #52
Yes, where are the females?

Too tired, too busy.
Too busy satisfying their mates.

Tired of being helpful.

I just had, got a gut feeling.

Most women avoid swimming. Except those that are, look good in a bathing suit.

I at one time spent a lot of time in the pool.

Most ladies were either waders, sharks or huggers.

The waders were usually pretty and plump, the sharks slim, fit and fast. They came to exercise and to leave me in their wake. Good!

The huggers come to get most of their anatomy below the water line, and out of sight.
Some hugged men, some hugged other women.
And some hugged the side of the pool, kicking and thrashing their legs.

Swimming is a great exercise. It is low impact and a good way to get your heart rate up aplenty. Good!

....................................................................................................................................

Mind you, huggers are not common. But they are present.

The water is a perfect venue to hide ones hands and one's intentions.
It is one step away from being nekid'.

Oh my!





[THM]- THRD
"Most women avoid swimming. Except those that are, look good in a bathing suit."

You have put a valid point I never thought of .... If she wants to swim, why she cant undress in front of me.
Making love with clothes on and without ... its a huge difference in intimacy of a couple.
With clothes ... its like a quick sport / exercise.
Without clothes .. its a passion, bonding, cherishing ... growing in love.
 

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I have ruled out affairs... OK will be here when you find out.!
I've lost count of all the new posters just like you OP, who were insistent that everyone here was wrong and he knew 100% that there was NO WAY his wife was cheating.

Until he came back weeks or months later posting, "you were all right...she was cheating!"

Happens all the time.

As Sparta said, we'll be here in the highly likely event you'll be back.
 

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Discussion Starter #54
How many children do you have and how old are they?

Yes, 15 hours a week can be a challenge when you have children, jobs, etc. But it can be done. The time frames can be 1-2 hours a night during the work week (Monday - Friday) and the rest of the time divided up on the weekends for one or two longer dates.

For dates you can go out to an intimate dinner and/or dancing, depending on what is the norm where you live. Going out to a movie is not quality time because you are both focused on the movie and not each other. I like dates that are doing things like taking long walks along the river, holding hands, talking... just being together. A good date does not have to be expensive. You should plan for one date away from home and the children once a week if at all possible.

Another good way to build your relationship is to take short trips. Even an overnight trip and stay at a hotel can do wonders for a relationship.

On weeknights after your children are in bed or when you two can steal an hour or two to spend quality time together simply snuggling and talking. You could have drinks (alcoholic or not) and dessert/snacks. This can lead to sex too (time spent is sexual intimacy counts too).

Take a bath together and pamper each other.

At times, when your children are awake and the nanny is there to watch them, you can go off together at home and have an at-home date (we used to do that in our bedroom suite). Or you could go out for a walk together, hold hands, talk, etc.

Sometimes reading books or watching TV can be quality time if you are together and talk about what you are watching/reading. For example, my husband read aloud books on topics that we were both interested in. Then we would discuss them, usually chapter by chapter. I realize that not everyone would like this, but we are nerds and love it.

Another thing we did when we had at-home dates was to play a same I bought that was sort of a card game, well a sex card game. Players would get cards that told them what they had to do. That one would have us laughing our heads off every time we played.

Some couples develop a hobby that they can learn together. For example, take dancing lessons or learning to scuba diving lessons; or maybe painting, or jewelry making, or hiking, or...... just something that you can both learn together and do together.

I knew a couple who took scuba diving classes. We live in the New Mexico high desert. The deepest water around here are swimming pools. That's where they took their lessons. They would take scuba diving vacations to the Caribbean a couple of times a year. Their underwater videos were amazing. I really think that this is the thing that kept them close.... a shared passion.

If you cannot think of things to talk about, then try a conversation starter book. There are also conversation starter websites too. I have a couple of conversation starter books, they worked really well to give us things that talk about that started us talking. Here are just a few that I found on one website.

What is something that you are dreading?
Tell me about a time you almost died.
What’s the biggest betrayal you have ever experienced?
What’s most embarrassing thing that has happened to you while having sex?
What are you battling that you don’t tell anyone about?
What are you into, but haven’t told me about?
What’s better than great sex?
What small seemingly insignificant thing did your parents or someone else say when you were a child that has stuck with you all this time?
What is the best or worst thing you inherited from your parents?
What was the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn?
What’s the most disheartening and heartening realization you have come to?
What is something you wish you could say to people but can’t?
What have you struggled with your entire life?
What would be the coolest hobby to have?
If you received a salary to follow whatever passion you wanted to, what would you do?
What was the most productive time in your life? How about the least productive?
What made you realize that your parents were just human like everyone else?
What questions should partners ask each other before getting married?
What toy played the biggest part in your childhood?
What were the three most important turning points in your life?
What’s the worst thing that people are proud of?
What job do you think you were born to do?
What are you most sentimental about?
What has taken up too much of your life?
What do I do that makes you the happiest?
https://conversationstartersworld.com/conversation-starters-for-couples/

All that said, you have to read the books and do the work that they tell you to do. If you can get your wife to read the books with you and do the work, that’s the best solution here.
Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.
 

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Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.
IMO it is most often not the thing -- the smooching, the sex, the cuddling. The couple loses the romantic, loving, sexy feeling. Worse, if there is bottled resentment over practical issues, the reclaiming of the romantic, loving, sexy feeling is impossible.
 

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Since your reply was very positive and more focused on saving relationship, and not on suspecting cheating.
But can you tell me why does a women stop smooching .... i have never heard a women who doesnt like smooching.
No, there are women and men who are not fans of kissing, either a quick smooch or extensive lip mangling.
Especially, after the first six months.

Having good breath and an appealing set of teeth probably figures into this !!

Have you ever kissed a smoker, especially a cigar smoker? I am talking about women kissing cigar smokers, thank you!
Heavy drinkers can be troublesome, also.

I would consider refusal to 'hug tight' a bigger concern and a bigger red flag.
 

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Amongst all the info, which is all great stuff btw, don't e afraid to cut it down to basic questions and answers to/from her, and to take simple action.

A direct approach may work.

First, the way you are getting sexual activity from her and by her, as in what she considers taking care or your sexual desire, is unacceptable.

Period.

A finger, some wiggling back and forth, a minute of piv, and wants you to hurry up ? Horrible.

Enough asking. Never try and earn sex.

Tell her more, and good sex, at least half the time the way you want is required.

If she wants you to be aggressive in taking sex, are you good with that?

Tie her up. Engage in some bdsm. Have at it.

But dear Lord quit whining to her. That never works.

She wants to watch BDSM porn?

Film her, indulge her watching you and her. Take her to a bdsm eqpt store. Tell her, don't ask her to go with you.

Enough is enough.

Or, she'll leave you first. If not fully checked out already.
 

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amongst all the info, which is all great stuff btw, don't e afraid to cut it down to basic questions and answers to/from her, and to take simple action.

A direct approach may work.

First, the way you are getting sexual activity from her and by her, as in what she considers taking care or your sexual desire, is unacceptable.

Period.

A finger, some wiggling back and forth, a minute of piv, and wants you to hurry up ? Horrible.

enough asking. Never try and earn sex.

tell her more, and good sex, at least half the time the way you want is required.

If she wants you to be aggressive in taking sex, are you good with that?

Tie her up. Engage in some bdsm. Have at it.

but dear lord quit whining to her. That never works.

she wants to watch bdsm porn?

Film her, indulge her watching you and her. Take her to a bdsm eqpt store. Tell her, don't ask her to go with you.

Enough is enough.

Or, she'll leave you first. If not fully checked out already.
this this this!
 
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