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I am a man of 40 years, i am above average sexually active. I am a Graphic Designer and Photographer, mostly home based job. My wife is well qualified and has regular job in a multinational company from Monday to Friday. My sexual life was very good before we had 2 kids. Now the kids are 3-5 years and they go to day care and a nanny also takes care of them.

My wife is a very good human being and beautiful. I am very fond of her, love her and respect her. I am one woman man.

But now i am unable to balance my sexual inclination and life around it. I feel like having sex at least once or twice a week, or three times maximum if circumstances allow.

I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time. She goes to a Gym in the morning then to office and then returns in the evening and then we have dinner and make kids sleep. Then my wife is tired and sleepy by that time and refuses to have sex. So, I am mostly i am left to have sex on friday and saturday night. That too many times doesn't happen due to my wife being not agreeing, guests at home, we going out, her menstrual cycles, kids sleeping late or any other reason may arise.

I try to push her lot for sex almost all the time because i am unable to make out when she will agree or when circumstances will allow. Recently she has slimmed down a lot too, making her further attractive. But she never allows me undress her or lick her boobs while having sex. She even does not allow me to put my hand under her t-shirt, she only maximum allows me to ass massage for some time. When I push her a lot, sometimes i ask her to open the door once she is done with her shower, she allows me lick her boobs for 3 seconds each. She never smooches and closes her mouth tightly if i try to (no bad breath issues with me, i am a clean nice guy).

Mostly when she agrees to have sex, she needs porn to get aroused most of the times. Then i finger her while she watches porn, once she gets bit aroused she hold my **** with her hand and moves it to-and-fro and then she gets an orgasms, then i do it in missionary position using a condom for my orgasm. I ejaculate fast because she has already done lot of to-and-fro by hand, so i get quick orgasm, which doesn't satisfy me or her too. Then she at times may ask me for another orgasm with fingers inside and tongue on her clit. She does does not make any noise or move much while doing this all, she also doesn't remove her top clothes while doing this. For me it feels slight better than self masturbating, still not very passionate. In my opinion we are doing it all wrong, but she refuses to change position or way or approaching it.

She never gives blow jobs, but thats not much of a desire all the time. But sometimes I really need it, it feels wonderful if it happens, its feels like a man is being wanted and loved.
She never tells her desires.

When I go out for work or markets and meet other same aged modern attractive women, it becomes very painful. My desire to have good sex with my wife further rises. I just admire other women visually, never try to get close or try to know them. When I have a attractive women at home and i feel good about it, i see no need in my life to flirt around. But yes ... the visuals definitely increase my craving for sex with my own wife.

But now I am fed up of constantly asking and begging for sex with my wife for past 2-3 years. I dont feel like going out at night, or inviting guests at night, or go for movie nights or anything which which may ruin my chances of having sex with her.

Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex. But its difficult because its impossible to sleep with beautiful curvy wife without physically touching, fiddling or hugging her.
Many times I plan to move away from thinking about sex by not sleeping with her and sleeping in another room, and not disturbing her. But then i fear that may start a rift in family life. I love my kids and wife. I have a comfortable life cant spoil that.

Many times i watch TV, Internet, spiritual stuff and try to fall asleep, but this doesn't help or actually feel good every day. So I get frustrated at times.
Many times I feel to go out to mountains and do photography and divert my mind, but that also is a difficult solution as she may feel offended by that, how can I holiday alone ... and she might become revengeful further driving it to a rift.

To divert my mind and energy, many times I feel to join a course or table tennis academy in the evening from 7 pm to 10 pm so that i get tired after playing, shower and dinner ... and then sleep. But that may again trigger a rift that I am not available when kids and she is at home for dinner.

Many times I masturbate late evening or at night in another room to kill off my inclination and erection, so that i dont disturb her while she is sleeping.

Many times I think, that i should find a **** buddy or extra marital affair, but that also ruins everything.. and is difficult because i am quite spiritual and one woman man.

Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations, But that also didn't help either.

Another issue might be that she might not be finding me attractive anymore. Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex. She prefers cruel porn. Very rarely she has sex without that kind of cruel porn. Lot of times I tried to move away from porn and asked on focusing on each other, but with clothes on as she likes .. it doesn't work.

I silently passed 2-3 years by putting too much effort into all this for sex and had non passionate sex from her side. In the positions and way i described above. I couldnt discuss or revolt all this time, since i was partially financially dependent on her for a transaction. (She was paying for a transaction on 23 of every month and i use to return it by 9th of next month). If i revolted she always could have taken a revengeful attitude on that, resulting in problems in my business flow. But now financially things are better with me and I have gathered strength to discuss the issue, and does not have that much insecurity currently.

Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.

Sex gives lot of energy and harmony in family life, to cherish fruits of success, achievements and encouragement, sex is an essential bond between husband and wife.

I am sick of planning, pushing, begging, requesting for sex. At occasions I have waited for long hours and she refused, frustrating me to the core and I slapped her once I had fought on this with her. Its wrong on my part.

I am unsure who is wrong, what is wrong? and what is the solution to this problem? How I should i fix myself or her?

Please help!!

You can answer in two ways.
1. Either I read your answers and do a change within me.
2. We both can read your answers to dome over this issue.
 

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.....
I understand, my wife has long day and multi tasks a lot without much spare time. She goes to a Gym in the morning

Why don't you start going with her??? then to office and then returns in the evening and then we have dinner and make kids sleep. Then my wife is tired and sleepy by that time and refuses to have sex. So, I am mostly i am left to have sex on friday and saturday night. That too many times doesn't happen due to my wife being not agreeing, guests at home, we going out, her menstrual cycles, kids sleeping late or any other reason may arise. You both need more time together by yourselves. Do you have a date night where you just go out the both of you? NO other couples/people involved???

Many times I try to talk horny and dirty with her (considering if she wants to fantasies of someone else than me) i talk about swapping, group sex, double penetrations,OK STOP doing that -- she may think you are OK with this and WANT to do this. That could either a)turn her off a TON that you want to share her, or b) give HER excuses for having and affair. But that also didn't help either.
Another issue might be that she might not be finding me attractive anymore.WHY do you think this is? Are you in shape? Are you healthy? Has she TOLD you she isn't attracted to you?
maybe you need to start going to the gym and getting in great shape -- SHE is getting in better shape, why aren't you? Because to arouse her I need to show her bondage/bdsm/rough sex porn, she feels bored with slow blow job / passionate sex. She prefers cruel porn. Very rarely she has sex without that kind of cruel porn. Lot of times I tried to move away from porn and asked on focusing on each other, but with clothes on as she likes .. it doesn't work.If she likes this, have YOU ever tried to tie her up/restrain her, take of all her clothes (even if she "protests", etc? Once you get her going, maybe YOU need to take control?
it MAY be something she would like (but be careful, may just be fantasy stuff for her).
...
... I couldnt discuss or revolt all this time, since i was partially financially dependent on her for a transaction. (She was paying for a transaction on 23 of every month and i use to return it by 9th of next month). If i revolted she always could have taken a revengeful attitude on that, resulting in problems in my business flow. But now financially things are better with me and I have gathered strength to discuss the issue, and does not have that much insecurity currently.WHY are you so afraid of your wife? Is she normally vindictive, or is it just that you are overthinking all the possibilities?
Its not that sex is completely zero, but the issue is its not happening correctly and passionately, bonding should further grow. Further with clothes on, fingering and masturbation type sex, no change in positions and places, it has become monotonous.... just not moving in correct direction to conquer success as couple in this world.
Sex gives lot of energy and harmony in family life, to cherish fruits of success, achievements and encouragement, sex is an essential bond between husband and wife. Have you TOLD her this and that it is something you need?
..
...
Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?
 

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Has she allways kissed you closed mouth . or did this just all of a sudden changed . does she keep her phone away from you . and is she on it alot texting . has she started going to the gym more . and has she allways been that way about you seeing her body .
 

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I see some red flags here in just what you have said so far .

1 kissing you closed mouth
2 not letting you see her nude , sounds like she is hiding something she doesn't want you to see .
3 not wanting to have sex with you .

You might want to start secretly look at her phone to see if she is cheating . maybe even put gps on her car . she maybe hooking up with someone at the gym or at her work . and they are into bondage and bdsm and rough sex . if that is the case then they are leaving bruises and stuff on her body . if you work from home or something where you have the time you could follow her .
 

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I do know with someone into bdsm that most of the time the female will get bruises and marked up . and with a dominant partner they are told they can't do thing with there husband .

It is just odd that you have to watch that kind of porn just to be able to even touch her but still not even getting her clothes off . she is most definitely cheating on you and you need to find out . deep dive on the computer and her phone . and track her car .
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Why don't you start going with her???
Answer. Whenever we get time, we go shopping, we go with kids too, we go out once in a while for movie also.

You both need more time together by yourselves. Do you have a date night where you just go out the both of you? NO other couples/people involved???
Answer. We do go out together ... but cant say a "date night", i am bit on a romantic side. but she might be, but she never expresses.

OK STOP doing that -- she may think you are OK with this and WANT to do this. That could either a)turn her off a TON that you want to share her, or b) give HER excuses for having and affair.
Answer. I tried this because, i am confused ... what arouses her. I want to stop it too.
But she isnt responding while i do love making. She doesnt talk, doesnt undress, doesnt make a tiny horny noise either... unable to understand .. whats wrong.. am i ejaculating quickly or she is finding **** smaller as per her wants.

.WHY do you think this is? Are you in shape? Are you healthy? Has she TOLD you she isn't attracted to you?
maybe you need to start going to the gym and getting in great shape -- SHE is getting in better shape, why aren't you?
Answer. I am not too much in change, but average. I want start table tennis sport and cycling above all photography walks, but if am away when she and kids are at home ... it will create a rift. These things are done either early morning or in evening. And thats the time when I am besides kids ... when they are waking up one by one...(2kids - Schools starts at 7.30 am onwards)

If she likes this, have YOU ever tried to tie her up/restrain her, take of all her clothes (even if she "protests", etc? Once you get her going, maybe YOU need to take control?
it MAY be something she would like (but be careful, may just be fantasy stuff for her).
Answers. I have never tried, woulld love to but ... she wont allow.. she will shout back for sure. as i know her.

WHY are you so afraid of your wife? Is she normally vindictive, or is it just that you are overthinking all the possibilities?
Answer. My first child was born when i was in a livein relationship, in hush hush secreative manner. I could not take much care or personal attention at that time, as we didnt wanted to people to know at that time, since were not married. Though I arranged secret house and caretaker and household stuff and I almost stayed all the time with her, then she went to her mothers house for delivery. My mother expired little before that year so i wanted to take aunt with for the first time to see my child, for some reason she didnt like that and we had a fight, then she fired so much on me that... and she took a kind of revenge that i did not take care of her. I was surprised and had fight with everyone at her place and came back. .... So this is for sure ... she keeps things in her heart to take revenge or blast at me later. At that time was I financially also puzzled. Till date she has the ability to fight on that incident ;-)

Have you TOLD her this and that it is something you need?
Answer. I have tried many times. But she thinks i am mad about sex. I just want to have healthy sexual relationship, i am very fond of her.. she has helped me a lot in my life. I am going crazy to get her on romantic mode back.

Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.
Answer... Yes I have been thinking about it. I am ready to go for it, i have opened here also. She might not go because she has a perception that i am over deperate. Being a man, its natural to make love to a beautiful wife twice a week.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?
Answer. Mostly she refuses for feeling sleepy or tired ... earlier she also had thyroid, but when i visited doctor with her. Doctor said this might be a reason too... but he should regular medicine will improve it. She is taking regular medicine ... she has become fitter .. but things on sexual front have become worst.
Answer. If i try to schedule sex, she terms me a PERVERT. And hardly she will agree to schedule it.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Has she allways kissed you closed mouth . or did this just all of a sudden changed . does she keep her phone away from you . and is she on it alot texting . has she started going to the gym more . and has she allways been that way about you seeing her body .

Kissing changed around 4 years back. No Phone is open and i have full access. Yes, gym is regular, but relation-ship at gym is ruled out. She was curvy nice ... then came the kids .. now again she is in terrific shaped. I always loved her shape in all phases.

She does ... like the image below
luvze.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/Tight-lipped-woman-2.jpg
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I dont think she is cheating on me, but might be visually seeing someone for fascinating ... so that might be turning off for her.
Or many her female friends have settled in other countries, she finding herself caged due constraints for our family to move out of the family. That might be making her unsatisfied in life.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
I see some red flags here in just what you have said so far .

1 kissing you closed mouth
2 not letting you see her nude , sounds like she is hiding something she doesn't want you to see .
3 not wanting to have sex with you .

You might want to start secretly look at her phone to see if she is cheating . maybe even put gps on her car . she maybe hooking up with someone at the gym or at her work . and they are into bondage and bdsm and rough sex . if that is the case then they are leaving bruises and stuff on her body . if you work from home or something where you have the time you could follow her .

Answer. No thats ruled out for sure. She doesnt have that much of time.
 

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If i was you i would wait till she goes to sleep and get on her phone . if it is locked and didn't lock it before then you know she is cheating . if you have access to the phone account you can also get call logs and text logs . if she never wants you to go to the gym with her something is up with that .
 

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Discussion Starter #14
If i was you i would wait till she goes to sleep and get on her phone . if it is locked and didn't lock it before then you know she is cheating . if you have access to the phone account you can also get call logs and text logs . if she never wants you to go to the gym with her something is up with that .
No these things are ruled out.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?
Why don't you start going with her???
Answer. Whenever we get time, we go shopping, we go with kids too, we go out once in a while for movie also.

You both need more time together by yourselves. Do you have a date night where you just go out the both of you? NO other couples/people involved???
Answer. We do go out together ... but cant say a "date night", i am bit on a romantic side. but she might be, but she never expresses.

OK STOP doing that -- she may think you are OK with this and WANT to do this. That could either a)turn her off a TON that you want to share her, or b) give HER excuses for having and affair.
Answer. I tried this because, i am confused ... what arouses her. I want to stop it too.
But she isnt responding while i do love making. She doesnt talk, doesnt undress, doesnt make a tiny horny noise either... unable to understand .. whats wrong.. am i ejaculating quickly or she is finding **** smaller as per her wants.

.WHY do you think this is? Are you in shape? Are you healthy? Has she TOLD you she isn't attracted to you?
maybe you need to start going to the gym and getting in great shape -- SHE is getting in better shape, why aren't you?
Answer. I am not too much in change, but average. I want start table tennis sport and cycling above all photography walks, but if am away when she and kids are at home ... it will create a rift. These things are done either early morning or in evening. And thats the time when I am besides kids ... when they are waking up one by one...(2kids - Schools starts at 7.30 am onwards)

If she likes this, have YOU ever tried to tie her up/restrain her, take of all her clothes (even if she "protests", etc? Once you get her going, maybe YOU need to take control?
it MAY be something she would like (but be careful, may just be fantasy stuff for her).
Answers. I have never tried, woulld love to but ... she wont allow.. she will shout back for sure. as i know her.

WHY are you so afraid of your wife? Is she normally vindictive, or is it just that you are overthinking all the possibilities?
Answer. My first child was born when i was in a livein relationship, in hush hush secreative manner. I could not take much care or personal attention at that time, as we didnt wanted to people to know at that time, since were not married. Though I arranged secret house and caretaker and household stuff and I almost stayed all the time with her, then she went to her mothers house for delivery. My mother expired little before that year so i wanted to take aunt with for the first time to see my child, for some reason she didnt like that and we had a fight, then she fired so much on me that... and she took a kind of revenge that i did not take care of her. I was surprised and had fight with everyone at her place and came back. .... So this is for sure ... she keeps things in her heart to take revenge or blast at me later. At that time was I financially also puzzled. Till date she has the ability to fight on that incident ;-)

Have you TOLD her this and that it is something you need?
Answer. I have tried many times. But she thinks i am mad about sex. I just want to have healthy sexual relationship, i am very fond of her.. she has helped me a lot in my life. I am going crazy to get her on romantic mode back.

Have you talked, and I mean REALLY talked (and LISTENED) about this with her? If not THAT is the first place to start. Have you considered Marriage/Sex Counseling to help get this resolved?
If you keep everything bottled up inside and NOT told her, it is a)FRUSTRATING to you and b) not fair to her since she may not know how much this is bothering you.
Answer... Yes I have been thinking about it. I am ready to go for it, i have opened here also. She might not go because she has a perception that i am over deperate. Being a man, its natural to make love to a beautiful wife twice a week.

When she turns you down, what are her excuses? Can you have a scheduled time to have sex so that you both KNOW when it will happen and you can make sure other things (kids/guests/etc.) are not around to interfere with it?
Answer. Mostly she refuses for feeling sleepy or tired ... earlier she also had thyroid, but when i visited doctor with her. Doctor said this might be a reason too... but he should regular medicine will improve it. She is taking regular medicine ... she has become fitter .. but things on sexual front have become worst.
Answer. If i try to schedule sex, she terms me a PERVERT. And hardly she will agree to schedule it.
 

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No these things are ruled out.
Ruled out by whom, by you?

You need help, not in 1409, you need help in 2019.

Humor us and have her checked out by a private detective or a friend.

Have that extra set of eyes eyeball all her activities, especially at the gym.

Tell us not, that we are mistaken, prove it to us.

Uh, thank you..





[THM]- King Brian
 

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This woman, your wife absolutely loves sex and intimacy.

Just not with you.

Swallow that whole. Don't bother to chew on that tidbit.
We did it for you.

Now...you need to find out why?





[THM]- @Andy1001
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Maybe you should stop asking for sex . and plan a night to just take her . go out and get bondage stuff and when she ask what you are doing tell her to do as you say . maybe that is what she wants . if that doesn't work consider divorce . and just leave her .
I have tried this too, sometimes she is willing to go for holiday sometimes not. Before marriage, she had vodka shots and
had awesome sex with me, but now she is a big no to vodka too. Because of the small Kids we have, cant travel long distances. But getting her to have sex on a travel holiday is also a tremendous task too. Tremendous effort goes in to make it a Yes. I sometimes myself feel guilty what i am doing..... by putting on so much effort and pushing.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Ruled out by whom, by you?

You need help, not in 1409, you need help in 2019.

Humor us and have her checked out by a private detective or a friend.

Have that extra set of eyes eyeball all her activities, especially at the gym.

Tell us not, that we are mistaken, prove it to us.

Uh, thank you..





[THM]- King Brian
We went and switched to a new gym and some more activities she wanted like swimming. So something at gym is ruled out. The gyms are very very closeby to my place. Though I dont go with her.
 

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She may not be cheating.

She may have cheated, before.
She may be having an emotional affair.
She may no longer be in an EA/PA

Something turned her head, for sure away from you.

She may be having an illicit relationship with a co-worker.

It is obvious she is getting off on porn.
And that may be the extent of her pulling away from you.

She does not hate you, she just does not desire you.

Maybe:
She is putting in time, with regards to your marriage.
She is biding time.

For how long and why?
What is her end game?

Something is not right... here.
Something, some truth is being left.....out here.

Red Flags are flying.

I suspect most are flying indoors, at work, in her car, all conveniently away and out of your sight.

Check out her work mates.
Check out all forms of her communication.

Read the many other stories here on TAM concerning infidelity.

Many husbands have said their wives have no time to cheat.

There are many Ways and Means Committees to facilitate cheating.




[THM]- Nemesis
 
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