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My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that. We started having sex a year after dating. We haven't had sex in 5 months now, & I've been going crazy over it for the past 3!! I don't know how much longer I can take!!!

First off, some background: I (the wife) have never been able to orgasm either by myself or with my husband (who is the only man I've ever been sexually active with). I've been told by people that I must have a mental block about orgasming. While we were dating, I know for sure that was the case because I was raised that sex should be saved for married, & in my mind I thought what I was doing was wrong. But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

My husband has always been on the bigger side (lineman in football body type) but he's gained 100 lbs. in the past 2 years while I've remained the same. He is now in the morbidly obese category (6'0", 295 lbs, very little muscle). I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off. Making love to him physically is like making love to Flubber (the green blob). His boobs are bigger than mine, and I have 34C's!! Talk about a turn-off!! Plus, I feel like his stomach gets in the way of us being successful at trying new sex positions. I feel like he can never go in as deep as he is able to.

He and I discuss everything; we've always had great communication skills. However, in this case, I've probably over-communicated to him in the past how I feel about his body. He knows I find him repulsive physically, & obviously he's not happy about this. I imagine this is the primary reason he stopped asking me for sex 6 months ago. I do everything I can to help him lose weight: I cook all of our meals at home, am SUPER meticulous about the quality of ingredients I buy & any potential allergens that could cause unnecessary inflammation in the body, make his breakfasts each morning & pack his lunches for when he goes to work, and encourage him and keep on top of him when it comes to exercising. He exercises for 60-90 minutes at the gym 4-5 times per week, but still hasn't been losing weight!! I don't know what's wrong with him! I know in the past he's secretly eaten food without me knowing; I know this because he always fesses up to it later & gets all guilty about it and gives me the "I'm determined to change" speech. I've yet to see any results from his supposed "determination". I'm fairly certain he's stopped this eating behind my back because I haven't seen any restaurant charges on our credit cards & I know when he withdraws cash from our bank account.

When it comes to his weight & our sex life, he knows that he needs to shrink in order to improve our sex life. But it seems like that's never going to happen! I mean, he's been trying to lose just 20 lbs for the past 9 months!! Meanwhile, I'm over here getting SOOOO unbelievably sexually frustrated!!! But since I can't orgasm, I don't know if my sexual frustration is more physical or emotional. All I know is that I want to have hot, steamy sex with my husband!! I've resorted to romance novels and movies and tv shows with steamy sex scenes: they're my escape. But then I'll start fantasizing about the actor/character & then I'll start feeling guilty over the fact that the majority of sexual thoughts that arouse me don't involve my husband at all... like I'm mentally cheating on him with fictional characters! Of course, I don't want this to happen & know theres no substitute for the real thing. I want the real thing so badly!! But when I do get the real thing, I want it to actually be good, not another let-down. We're both in our mid/late 20's, and I feel like this is the time in our lives when we should be having the most amazing sex! I mean, if we don't have it now, WHEN will we?!?! Will it ever even happen?!!?

I don't know how to make this happen, though. I want to be a good, understanding, caring, supportive wife who loves her husband unconditionally, but I don't know how else to help him. There's just something about his rolls of fat that I can't get past when we're having sex! For as sexually frustrated as I am, I just see his fat and then am instantly turned off! Doesn't matter how horny I am/was; I see him without his shirt on (or even with his shirt on & his stomach popping out from underneath his shirt and spilling over his waistline) or I'll see him fully naked and instantly go from 100 to 0 on the sexual desire scale.

Side note: outside of our sex life, our normal life and marriage are absolutely wonderful. He is my best friend & I trust him with my life and happiness completely. Now if only the sex would match the rest of our life!

I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
 

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I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

... I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off.
Wow you've got a big problem here. I think you need to take the next step and have a serious talk with him and his doctor about getting him a gastric bypass or sleeve or something. You have a multitude of reasons to do this. The bigger he gets, the more he stretches his skin permanently. Even when you lose weight, it doesn't just go back to the way it was. And, it's not just for you, his health will deteriorate over the years if he continues. And check his Testosterone levels. Higher T levels can help a man build muscle and lose weight faster/easier.
 

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The only way he can lose weight is by himself. You can give him all the tools, but he has to determine what he is going to do. If he doesn't, then you really have no choice, you should leave. Don't waste your life with someone who has given up on himself. Not only does he repulse you, but his health will be a factor as well as many other things.

He can't make the promise to you, he has to make it to himself. Tell him to try low carb and put everything he eats into an app that monitors what goes in and goes out. Tell him you won't EVER look at it, but he should. Tell him to put all his sneaky foods in there (he still is sneaking) and then look at it every week. Tell him if he really remembers that Double Whopper he had 3 days ago and if it was really worth it. Or that sundae. Or that apple fritter. Wait, Im getting hungry now...
 

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Wow you've got a big problem here. I think you need to take the next step and have a serious talk with him and his doctor about getting him a gastric bypass or sleeve or something. You have a multitude of reasons to do this. The bigger he gets, the more he stretches his skin permanently. Even when you lose weight, it doesn't just go back to the way it was. And, it's not just for you, his health will deteriorate over the years if he continues. And check his Testosterone levels. Higher T levels can help a man build muscle and lose weight faster/easier.
Good points. I think this is about more than just the weight gain (but that is an issue that DEFINITELY needs to be addressed).

All these things are tied up together. He can't make you orgasm; this is probably very emasculating for him, because he feels like he is failing to meet your needs. This may be why he's avoiding sex. And yes, I think he's avoiding sex. You don't mention how tall he is; 295# on a tall man with a large frame might be overweight, but it's not going to stop him from having sex. (Trust me, I KNOW.) If he's a shorter man, and/or has a slight frame, this may be more of an issue, but... I have known men who are short and heavier than your husband, and that doesn't stop them from being sexually active.

So I think he's avoiding sex, for a number of reasons. 1) He's embarrassed/upset that he can't make you orgasm. That might be making it difficult for him to get/keep it up. 2) He's self-conscious about the weight gain. He knows that you've noticed it. He knows that you find it repulsive. You may think you're hiding it well, but you're likely not. He knows. And a man who knows his wife finds him unattractive isn't going to initiate sex. 3) Weight gain can cause impotence, because the extra weight can cut off blood flow. So he might be embarrassed/ashamed that he's having problems keeping it up.

You need to talk to him about weight loss, but leave the sex part out of it. Let him know that the weight gain concerns you because of the long-term damage to his health, and that you're concerned the two of you won't be able to grow old together because of this. Not because you would leave him--but because he might die an early death due to health problems caused by his obesity. Tell him you will do whatever you can to support him, but he needs to put in the effort to lose the weight. And you'll need to make sure that he's eating healthy--do it with him, and prepare healthy meals at home. Don't monitor and nag, but encourage. And get him out of the house and moving. Do more active activities together.

Meanwhile, start working on yourself. He'll never be able to make you orgasm if you can't do it yourself. Seek out a sex therapist if you need to, but figure out what you need to get off. And practice it. LOTS. The more comfortble you become with your body, the more quickly you will be able to make yourself orgasm, and this will make it easier for HIM to make your orgasm. And you need to know what you like and what gets you off so you can tell HIM what you like and what you want him to do.

Do all this while he is working on the weight loss. Because once the weight starts to come off, his confidence will come back, and so will his sex drive. It will ROAR back. Exercise increases testosterone, which will put is sex drive into overdrive. And you want to be ready for that. If he finds that you've been working on the orgasming thing, that will likely turn him on even more.

Good luck!
 

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You moderate his food intake, he works out 4-5 days a week, and he's not losing weight?

Bullsh*t.

Hit the button, folks.
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is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
If you CAN'T have an orgasm all on your own and have grown frustrated to a point where you are blaming your husband's weight, this is very problematic!

1) Get a vibrator
2) You use it on your own
3) You use it in front of him
4) Let him use it on you
5) Use it while he is inside you
6) Have simultaneous orgasms together as often as needed
7) Feel great and THEN help him loose weight

Hope that helps!

Badsanta
 

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My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that. We started having sex a year after dating. We haven't had sex in 5 months now, & I've been going crazy over it for the past 3!! I don't know how much longer I can take!!!

First off, some background: I (the wife) have never been able to orgasm either by myself or with my husband (who is the only man I've ever been sexually active with). I've been told by people that I must have a mental block about orgasming. While we were dating, I know for sure that was the case because I was raised that sex should be saved for married, & in my mind I thought what I was doing was wrong. But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

My husband has always been on the bigger side (lineman in football body type) but he's gained 100 lbs. in the past 2 years while I've remained the same. He is now in the morbidly obese category (6'0", 295 lbs, very little muscle). If he works out as much as you say he does he should have muscles. I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off. Making love to him physically is like making love to Flubber (the green blob). His boobs are bigger than mine, and I have 34C's!! Talk about a turn-off!! Plus, I feel like his stomach gets in the way of us being successful at trying new sex positions. I feel like he can never go in as deep as he is able to.

He and I discuss everything; we've always had great communication skills. However, in this case, I've probably over-communicated to him in the past how I feel about his body. He knows I find him repulsive physically, & obviously he's not happy about this. I imagine this is the primary reason he stopped asking me for sex 6 months ago. I do everything I can to help him lose weight: I cook all of our meals at home, am SUPER meticulous about the quality of ingredients I buy & any potential allergens that could cause unnecessary inflammation in the body, make his breakfasts each morning & pack his lunches for when he goes to work, Quality of ingredients, potential allergens, *ding ding ding* DIY nonsense. He needs to be in a REAL diet under doctor supervision. None of that BS means anything unless you are seriously limiting his portions. and encourage him and keep on top of him when it comes to exercising. He exercises for 60-90 minutes at the gym 4-5 times per week, but still hasn't been losing weight!! Are you there when he is exercising? Is he doing fast reps or just messing around? I call BS. I don't know what's wrong with him! I know in the past he's secretly eaten food without me knowing; I know this because he always fesses up to it later & gets all guilty about it and gives me the "I'm determined to change" speech. I've yet to see any results from his supposed "determination". I'm fairly certain he's stopped this eating behind my back because I haven't seen any restaurant charges on our credit cards & I know when he withdraws cash from our bank account. That doesn't mean anything. A food addict can get snacks anywhere.

When it comes to his weight & our sex life, he knows that he needs to shrink in order to improve our sex life. But it seems like that's never going to happen! I mean, he's been trying to lose just 20 lbs for the past 9 months!! Meanwhile, I'm over here getting SOOOO unbelievably sexually frustrated!!! But since I can't orgasm, I don't know if my sexual frustration is more physical or emotional. All I know is that I want to have hot, steamy sex with my husband!! I've resorted to romance novels and movies and tv shows with steamy sex scenes: they're my escape. But then I'll start fantasizing about the actor/character & then I'll start feeling guilty over the fact that the majority of sexual thoughts that arouse me don't involve my husband at all... like I'm mentally cheating on him with fictional characters! Of course, I don't want this to happen & know theres no substitute for the real thing. I want the real thing so badly!! But when I do get the real thing, I want it to actually be good, not another let-down. We're both in our mid/late 20's, and I feel like this is the time in our lives when we should be having the most amazing sex! I mean, if we don't have it now, WHEN will we?!?! Will it ever even happen?!!?

I don't know how to make this happen, though. I want to be a good, understanding, caring, supportive wife who loves her husband unconditionally, but I don't know how else to help him. There's just something about his rolls of fat that I can't get past when we're having sex! For as sexually frustrated as I am, I just see his fat and then am instantly turned off! Doesn't matter how horny I am/was; I see him without his shirt on (or even with his shirt on & his stomach popping out from underneath his shirt and spilling over his waistline) or I'll see him fully naked and instantly go from 100 to 0 on the sexual desire scale.

Side note: outside of our sex life, our normal life and marriage are absolutely wonderful. He is my best friend & I trust him with my life and happiness completely. Now if only the sex would match the rest of our life!

I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
Half the people I know who had gastric bypass surgery lost weight and gained it all back within 2 years. Unless you keep up with water and protein intake and be a portion nazi the surgery will not work. Even with surgery, discipline is the only true effective tool in weight loss.
 

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It's one or the other.
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Both, but considering his amount of excess it's likely more of option 1. It's a lot easier to eat then to burn off.

I know a number of obese women who claim they eat 1000 calories per day. Yeah, no.

But I don't think they're intentionally deceptive....they honestly don't realize how much they eat and drink.

It's easy to lose track if you're not careful.
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Both, but considering his amount of excess it's likely more of option 1. It's a lot easier to eat then to burn off.
Sorry, I wasn't clear --

Either his food intake and/or activity isn't what she thinks it is or the entirety of OP's narrative is bullsh*t.
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I would say the chances that he is eating junk food that you don't know about are very high. If he is not sneaking food, then something is bad wrong medically if he is eating and exercising as you say...he should be in great shape.

If he can't loose on his own, he should research weight loss surgery.

Now on to you. Have you tried a lot to orgasm on your own? Have you tried a vibrator while you are reading your smutty books? Do you get wet when you are turned on?

I think that you do have a mental block perhaps from your faith. Like you said though, you are married now. Let that go. You "fixed" the error. Do lots of self exploration of your body and I think you will have success. Once you learn it yourself, then you can teach him.

I wish you both the best.
 

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Both, but considering his amount of excess it's likely more of option 1. It's a lot easier to eat then to burn off.

I know a number of obese women who claim they eat 1000 calories per day. Yeah, no.

But I don't think they're intentionally deceptive....they honestly don't realize how much they eat and drink.

It's easy to lose track if you're not careful.
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This is totally the case. I had no idea until I used one of those online recording apps.
 

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I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?
Thank you for posting this.
I also have difficulty with the weight and my wife is too nice to tell me like it is.
It's nice (honestly) to see you describe what a fat husband does to your sexual mind. It gives me incentive to keep it off and maybe lose more weight.

I am 6' 200lbs and lost 50. I don't do anything in particular other than eat less and NOTHING after dinner. It IS one of the hardest things to do and you can never be finished. I hope your husband achieves his goal!
 

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So I think he's avoiding sex, for a number of reasons. 1) He's embarrassed/upset that he can't make you orgasm. That might be making it difficult for him to get/keep it up. 2) He's self-conscious about the weight gain. He knows that you've noticed it. He knows that you find it repulsive. You may think you're hiding it well, but you're likely not. He knows. And a man who knows his wife finds him unattractive isn't going to initiate sex. 3) Weight gain can cause impotence, because the extra weight can cut off blood flow. So he might be embarrassed/ashamed that he's having problems keeping it up.
Great points. I know I felt the same way. When I lost 50 pounds, I was a new person. I could move better and get into different positions. The one thing that benefited the most was my confidence.

OP, there is hope. 25 years into my marriage, after losing 50 pounds, we are having some great sex.

BTW as Dr. Oz said, you do gain 1" of penis size for every 35 pounds lost.
The "fat pad" gets smaller and the penis appears larger. Appearance is everything :)
 

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This is totally on your husband, he has the means to lose the weight but doesn't. I'm kinda going through the same thing. My wife is very overweight and it has seriously affected the marriage. I wonder if overweight people have a higher probability of either becoming or just being LD? Seems that she would rather stay the way she is and keep the marriage in the poor state it is.
 
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