[TheGoodFight]

I was reading around trying to help my own situation and came across this. Thought it was interesting.

How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

 

[Deejo]

I think the trickiest thing about sexual aversion is that it is so easy to obfuscate. Sex is the canary in the coal mine regarding the status of most marriages ... pretty much everyone agrees.

Yet, ask someone in a sexless marriage, either male or female, and they will say everything is great other than the sex. But, talking about or attempting to address the subject of sex is itself toxic.

My ex developed a sexual aversion towards me. Wish I knew then what I know now.

It was extraordinarily painful and demoralizing. And yes, it's amazing the degree of rejection and self-questioning, anxiety and resentment that one can tolerate. Very, very, sad all the way around.

It gets said here quite often, and it rings the perfect pitch of truth. If you truly love someone, you make it a priority to please them.

If part of that equation becomes an issue or struggle, you look for the reasons why and address them. Avoiding, minimizing or blame-shifting as ways to address the core issues only ever lead down one path, and it isn't the one with the happy ending ...either physically and metaphorically.

 

[TheGoodFight]

I thought these parts were particuarly interesting:

Sexual aversion is usually poorly understood by those who have it. These people commonly report that engaging in sex is unpleasant, something they want to avoid. They may find that sexual arousal, and even a climax is also unpleasant. There isn't anything they like about it, and some actually experience a panic attack in the sex act itself. When they're asked to explain why they feel the way they do, few have a clear understanding of their reaction. They often blame themselves.

Their ignorance comes from a poor understanding of where their feelings come from. People often have the mistaken belief that they can decide to feel any way they want. They can decide to feel depressed or they can decide to feel cheerful. But those who suffer from chronic depression usually know it's not that simple. And when people have a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex.

and

...sexual aversion is a disaster of major proportions for couples. Sex is a need that should be met in marriage, but if a spouse has an aversion to meeting it, it becomes almost impossible as long as the aversion exists

So I wonder how many people with spouses who they think are "LD" actually have spouses with some degree of aversion instead.

I think this might explain some of the situations like mine where the spouse wanted sex with their AP, but doesn't want it with their spouse.

 

[Runs like Dog]

What's hard to understand? I hate you I am punishing you it's all your fault.

 

[anotherguy]

What's hard to understand? I hate you I am punishing you it's all your fault.

yea, thats the easy part. All the 'what's and 'why's that go with it. Thats a bit more tricky.

I think Deejos Canary in a Coal Mine analogy is a very good one.

 

[TheGoodFight]

What's hard to understand? I hate you I am punishing you it's all your fault.

...few have a clear understanding of their reaction. They often blame themselves.

Their ignorance comes from a poor understanding of where their feelings come from.

...when people have a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex.

 

[Deejo]

...few have a clear understanding of their reaction. They often blame themselves.

Their ignorance comes from a poor understanding of where their feelings come from.

...when people have a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex.

Which is of little comfort when you are the target of the aversion.

There is a tremendous amount of talk about partners shutting down when it comes to sex ... only for the partner frozen out to later learn that their sexually averse partner is gleefully, quite vocally, and without inhibition knocking boots with someone to whom there is no such aversion.

Tough stuff, and really unfortunate that it EVER gets to that level.

 

[TheGoodFight]

No doubt it is of little comfort, but it does help to be able to put a cause on it. Where there is a cause there can be a solution, which is what the linked article is about.

I'd also note that someone with an adversion to sex has done it to themselves in part, but their partner probably has some blame as well.

 

[Almostrecovered]

still tortured GF?

I do want you to consider that you are a "fixer", I'm the same way and where it can get you into trouble is where you end up doing all of the diagnosis, research, and working on the solution. Often since we cannot change others we look to change ourselves.

Food for thought

 

[TheGoodFight]

I'm just exploring all of the options. And yes I am a fixer, but what to do? Here I know where the water is, so why not lead the horse over there and see if it will take a drink?

I do struggle with this though because she could have found this information herself if she was really interested in finding it. Very frustrating.

 

[Almostrecovered]

okay so you put the book in her hands and then what if she doesnt change or take steps to correct the problem?

 

[TheGoodFight]

okay so you put the book in her hands and then what if she doesnt change or take steps to correct the problem?

Then I'll bring it up in counseling and see if the therapist will say it's a good idea to read the book. It always works better if the idea doesn't come from me.

If that doesn't work, I'll wait and see if the counseling helps. (She is seeing a new one now.) If that doesn't help and nothing changes otherwise, I guess I'll give up.

What else can I do?

 

[CanadianGuy]

Yes I have found out that a sexual aversion gf was gleefully knocking boots with others after the break up. I add that other sexual acts that she would never have with me were quite happily done with others too.

My question - Can a HD person become sexually averse?

 

[Almostrecovered]

What else can I do?

I dont know anymore, but you just seem to be spinning your wheels for a while now, I just wonder how much longer you will last

 

[TheGoodFight]

I dont know anymore, but you just seem to be spinning your wheels for a while now, I just wonder how much longer you will last

I don't know either, but she did do one of the exercises in the article today and journaled about it. We talked about it this evening. She did get a job at a local daycare and is using the money to see a therapist.

Meanwhile, I am doing my best to be a good husband and working on myself as best I can. I'm on my 5th week of weight training. Loving that by the way. I actually have chest muscles now! lol.

 

[deejov]

My question - Can a HD person become sexually averse?

Well, Yes, if you ask me.
I had been HD all my adult life.
Now... I'm looking for ways to avoid it.

Me personally, it is simply the pitfall of "closing off" to it, turning it off, putting it out of my mind, however you want to word it.

It's awkward, seems weird, not enjoyable, all kinds of things come to mind. I "feel" like posting a thread asking for suggestions on how to say no. I'm sure there are posters on here that have heard all the excuses. I'd like to know which ones work. Because I want to use them. Aversion ? Heck yeah.

 

[MEM2020]

TGF,
One of your posts surprised me. It was dday anniversary and you had called and she was cooking you a stake dinner.

And I was thinking, well that's nice except if it had been me as the wandering spouse I would have simply said I made steak and the rest of the night is ALL ABOUT YOU. I will do anything you want.

 

[TheGoodFight]

TGF,
One of your posts surprised me. It was dday anniversary and you had called and she was cooking you a stake dinner.

And I was thinking, well that's nice except if it had been me as the wandering spouse I would have simply said I made steak and the rest of the night is ALL ABOUT YOU. I will do anything you want.

I guess I was just glad she remembered the date.

 

[Runs like Dog]

yea, thats the easy part. All the 'what's and 'why's that go with it. Thats a bit more tricky.

I think Deejos Canary in a Coal Mine analogy is a very good one.

I'm not convinced the why is all that important.

 

[Runs like Dog]

...few have a clear understanding of their reaction. They often blame themselves.

Their ignorance comes from a poor understanding of where their feelings come from.

...when people have a sexual aversion, they cannot simply decide to feel good about sex.

No. I seriously doubt that. Most people never blame themselves, at least not for anything they should blame themselves for. Most people if they blame themselves at all are blaming themself for abstract almost existential reasons like "Why did I survive that house fire?" which isn't blame at all, it's guilt. And men and women who wield sex as a weapon - - the last thing they feel is guilt.