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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thank you for taking time to read my story. I married a man who had an anger problem. For 13 years I endured physical abuse. Not beating type but hitting of arms and legs or throwing things at me. I began to dislike him and did not want him to touch me. Did not want to have sex with him, although I did out of obligation at least twice a week. I had sexual desires but did not want to be with him. I developed an aversion toward him. I endured the marriage in hopes as he got older, he would mature. It did not happen. He progressively worsened. I finally reached quitting point. We separated for a year and a half. Finally divorced. Whereupon I felt free and began to heal. We decided to try again for the children, to have a family unit, got remarried, only for me to have all my old feelings triggered when his childish ways and bad temper resurfaced. We separated again. Has been about a year. During the divorce, I dated other men. No problems in the sexual department. So my aversion is toward him due to the abuse during our entire marriage. Here is where I need advice. He really wants to be a family. He took a 4 month abuse class, how to handle anger properly. I can see some changes in him. He expects me to show affection toward him now, and tells me he will never hit me again. He says he has needs and that we should start showing affection again. My problem is that I still feel an aversion toward him and very afraid to show affection with him. I would like to feel different, I would like to be a family. It would be so much easier, but I just cannot seem to heal to the point to kiss him or let him touch me. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Feel free to ask any questions, as it’s hard to compile so many years into writing…
 

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The only question I have is why would you even consider going back to him?

You don't want him. What he wants is irrelevant to what makes YOU happy. Your say you went on to date others, and had no sexual problems, then you come back to "HE wants to be a family. HE took a class. He expects. He says he has needs." Where is YOU in all that? There's not even much of a sense of "we" about it.

Take care of yourself. Getting back with him is NOT taking care of yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
The only question I have is why would you even consider going back to him?

You don't want him. What he wants is irrelevant to what makes YOU happy. Your say you went on to date others, and had no sexual problems, then you come back to "HE wants to be a family. HE took a class. He expects. He says he has needs." Where is YOU in all that? There's not even much of a sense of "we" about it.

Take care of yourself. Getting back with him is NOT taking care of yourself.
But what if he is telling the truth, that he would never hit me again, and we could be a family? If he has made some improvement, I just need help in how to reciprocate his affection when I have an aversion toward him???? @[email protected]
 

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But what if he is telling the truth, that he would never hit me again, and we could be a family? If he has made some improvement, I just need help in how to reciprocate his affection when I have an aversion toward him???? @[email protected]
Here's the thing--the burden of proof is on HIM. He's the one that destroyed your trust in him, he's the one that needs to do whatever it takes to rebuild it. However long that takes.

His words and actions in pushing this matter will be very telling as to the extent of his "recovery".

What help did you get while he was taking his classes? Have you done anything at all to process how the abuse has affected you and your kids?
 

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luvinlife, it would be foolish of you to go back with him on a permanent basis not knowing if he has truly changed.
At the same time, if there's any chance that your actions were contributing to his abuse and you have not made changes yourself, the future doesn't appear to be all that rosy.
 

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The best way to answer this is from a third person perspective... a third person who genuinely knows both of you...you are emotional about him and him about you now... so find out from a mutual friend if he's earnestly made efforts to amend his behaviour...

Even said so, I think this is the third chance you are giving him not second... so bear that in mind...if he had to change to get you back he would have done so earlier... something tells me he wants you (and you're obliging) because you both have become co-dependant...possibly you're one of the few who can put up with his temper...

Also if you go back this time (which I think you shouldn't) you need to reflect more self-confidence and a 'I will not take this attitude from you' front when you confront him...gentle yet firm... so ensure you have made the right changes to yourself too before deciding to move in with him... be really cautious for a few months to see whether his behaviour resurfaces (with proper exit plans in place)... if it doesn't within a few months then he's possibly genuinely made efforts...but again, that's not to say he wouldn't slip back to his earlier mode a few years down the line when he knows for sure you are hooked...

I am surprised though - when you dated other men in between didn't you didn't see the stark difference in their attitudes Vs your husband's...such on-off relationships tend to be very volatile...great when things are great and really really bad when things are down...so please give it a careful thought...you could be wasting many more months/years on this when you could have invested that effort into a more meaningful relationship.... :) not to mention, its unsafe for yourself (and your future kids too!)

YES! Reiterating the kids issue....most importantly, a physically abusive spouse is really not the ideal figure of a 'father', is he...kids can REALLLY test one's patience ....bear that in mind... even if he might not show his anger on his kids, he could direct it towards you in future! Even if not physically abusive, he could be verbally off-putting and that would build a lot of resentment in you (which you already have loads of I'm guessing!)

There are a few members on this forum who have claimed to reform their temper/angry ways...there's a long thread on it...why don't you pm one of them and ask for advice...
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I understand that you want your old family unit back, but that comes with a price. You don't seem to love him or have nice feelings about this man (and rightfully so). IMO, if you make the same decision of letting him back into your life, the outcome most likely will be the same.
I am an advocate of giving people second chances, however I am leery of someone who has a violence history.
I do see many good qualities in him. I just have a sexual aversion toward him. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Here's the thing--the burden of proof is on HIM. He's the one that destroyed your trust in him, he's the one that needs to do whatever it takes to rebuild it. However long that takes.

His words and actions in pushing this matter will be very telling as to the extent of his "recovery".

What help did you get while he was taking his classes? Have you done anything at all to process how the abuse has affected you and your kids?
Thank you COGypsy. I have taken classes and been in group therapy. I have always been a strong willed, confident, outgoing, athletic, determined person...I lost that. I am trying to get it back. I used those qualities to "endure" in hopes he would "grow up". His dad is very mild and calm and I just knew by the time he reached 30, he would be like his dad. It didn't happen. He is like his MOM! Abusive and controlling! He hates this about his mom but he is just like her... :(
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
He still has the abuser attitude. He should be asking you what you need to heal. He is still focused on himself and his own needs. I wouldn't even try, just get on with your life.
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Some of the time, he asks what do I need? but then gets mad when I do not reciprocate his affection... He says it makes him feel unloved and us not attached. He wants me to love him. He constantly asks me how much longer til I feel I can show him affection which is a turn off! Grrr. I express it is, but he tells me I am stubborn for not showing affection to him when he has not been abusive in over a year.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
luvinlife, it would be foolish of you to go back with him on a permanent basis not knowing if he has truly changed.
At the same time, if there's any chance that your actions were contributing to his abuse and you have not made changes yourself, the future doesn't appear to be all that rosy.
I am imperfect. He says I am the reason he has anger. He says no one pushes his buttons like I do. But I have never cursed at him, hit him or threw things at him. I have argued my case, and have a huge problem with communicating with him or absorbing his side b/c I always had a fear of being hit. So I will admit that this was a source of irration to him. My subconsciously sort of block him out b/c I could not process for fear... Lots of circular reasoning here... Ugh...
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
The best way to answer this is from a third person perspective... a third person who genuinely knows both of you...you are emotional about him and him about you now... so find out from a mutual friend if he's earnestly made efforts to amend his behaviour...

Even said so, I think this is the third chance you are giving him not second... so bear that in mind...if he had to change to get you back he would have done so earlier... something tells me he wants you (and you're obliging) because you both have become co-dependant...possibly you're one of the few who can put up with his temper...

Also if you go back this time (which I think you shouldn't) you need to reflect more self-confidence and a 'I will not take this attitude from you' front when you confront him...gentle yet firm... so ensure you have made the right changes to yourself too before deciding to move in with him... be really cautious for a few months to see whether his behaviour resurfaces (with proper exit plans in place)... if it doesn't within a few months then he's possibly genuinely made efforts...but again, that's not to say he wouldn't slip back to his earlier mode a few years down the line when he knows for sure you are hooked...

I am surprised though - when you dated other men in between didn't you didn't see the stark difference in their attitudes Vs your husband's...such on-off relationships tend to be very volatile...great when things are great and really really bad when things are down...so please give it a careful thought...you could be wasting many more months/years on this when you could have invested that effort into a more meaningful relationship.... :) not to mention, its unsafe for yourself (and your future kids too!)

YES! Reiterating the kids issue....most importantly, a physically abusive spouse is really not the ideal figure of a 'father', is he...kids can REALLLY test one's patience ....bear that in mind... even if he might not show his anger on his kids, he could direct it towards you in future! Even if not physically abusive, he could be verbally off-putting and that would build a lot of resentment in you (which you already have loads of I'm guessing!)

There are a few members on this forum who have claimed to reform their temper/angry ways...there's a long thread on it...why don't you pm one of them and ask for advice...
Thank you Zing. Very informative and you took time to help me. Nice. I will private message one of these people. Are you able to direct me to this thread you referenced? :) I am new and lacking in know how. lol :)
 

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Some of the time, he asks what do I need? but then gets mad when I do not reciprocate his affection... He says it makes him feel unloved and us not attached. He wants me to love him. He constantly asks me how much longer til I feel I can show him affection which is a turn off! Grrr. I express it is, but he tells me I am stubborn for not showing affection to him when he has not been abusive in over a year.
So he hasn't hit you in over a year. That magically makes up for 13 years before that? You're talking about a lot of prolonged trauma here.... Especially since I'm rather confused at how hitting arms and legs ISN'T the same as a beating?

It also concerns me that he's still telling you that you're the one making him angry and causing the abuse. That's abusive in its own right and is a huge red warning flag that he fundamentally hasn't changed.

I agree with the poster that said this was definitely not the second chance between the two of you. Every single time he hit you, every time that he made you feel obligated to have sex, every time he belittled you and told you that he wouldn't have a problem if it weren't for the things you did....each of those times were a chance. A chance for him to stop abusing you and you to stop accepting the abuse.

Frankly, the only conceivable way I see to get over this sexual aversion with all of the history between you to would be to get blind stinking drunk beforehand.....beyond that, IF it works out, it's going to take a lot more than a year to overcome the 13 before that.
 

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His question about "When will you get over this" tells me that he's still being domineering and controlling.

I also think you're still very willing to take blame when you shouldn't.

You said you've been in counseling and group therapy. I'd encourage you to call someone you know from these experiences and ask their opinion, too.
 

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I am new here and just saw this. Hon, his attitude clearly indicates that he hasn't changed. He is pressuring you to do things you aren't ready to do and then not respecting your no when you aren't comfortable. He is also continuing to blame you for his behavior. No one EVER makes someone else abuse them, abuse is a CHOICE. It is a dysfunctional way of interacting with others. It doesn't matter if you push someone's buttons or not, it's his choice to act that way. Period. A man who has truly changed his abusive ways will not be treating you this way. A man who has truly changed his ways will give you every bit of time you need to heal and get comfortable with whatever you need to get comfortable with, he will understand your issues, he will support you in healing them, he will wait as long as you need him to wait to be ok with sex, he will not push you to "get over it", he will not conitnue to put his needs above your own and he will accept the consequences of his abusive behavior. He will also not be telling you how he has changed, it will be apparent in his actions.

Here is a wonderful article on how to know if an abusive man is really changing.

Signs he/she has changed - The CatBox - Trubble's CatBox

And if you need abuse support from a wonderful and very knowledgeable bunch of people who truly get what abuse does to you, what abusers say and do and how to heal, please check this out.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/support-group

They've helped me tons. Hope you are doing well.
 

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The problem is a fear of intimacy and a basic distrust of anyone who would try to get close. This is a classic problem people with abusive childhoods suffer from and is almost impossible to fix. The best way to deal with it is to work within these sexual parameters. As long as you can keep your sexual partners at arm's length emotionally you will enjoy good sex. Letting them get close sets off subconscious intimacy alarm bells and shuts down sexual desire.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
@Dahlia92. Thank you. That was good information. I read your first link. Good information. The second link I did not. I am in a support group but can investigate into more when I have time. :) Yes, I agree, he does not show me he has self-control and so I cannot heal to a point to be a family again... Sad.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
@ Mr B. I would like to discuss further. Thank you for writing. I was not sexually abused as a child, but I understand your point. You stated to work within the sexual parameters of the fear of intimacy and distrust. Are you then saying that the way to do this is by not letting someone get close to you emotionally? I am quite confused with your comments. Please elaborate though as I wish to understand! :) I had sexual experience when we divorced for a while. I had no problems in the sexual department. Very much enjoye it as the man had not abused me like my husband, thus I had no aversion towar him. Look forward to hearing more from you.

The problem is a fear of intimacy and a basic distrust of anyone who would try to get close. This is a classic problem people with abusive childhoods suffer from and is almost impossible to fix. The best way to deal with it is to work within these sexual parameters. As long as you can keep your sexual partners at arm's length emotionally you will enjoy good sex. Letting them get close sets off subconscious intimacy alarm bells and shuts down sexual desire.[/QUOTE]
 
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