Hi all
D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.
After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.
After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.
During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.
I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.
I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.
Love is blindness
D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.
After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.
After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.
During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.
I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.
I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.
Love is blindness