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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all
D-Day happened in early June 2021, but I'm still trying to comprehend the situation and need all the help I can get. The affair started in 2004. At the time we had been married 16 years and had two children in middle school. I was working long hours in the financial industry and had just gotten a huge promotion so we decided to undertake a large home expansion project. It turns out one of the subcontractors on the project who was around my house for several months began aggressively pursuing my wife who was a stay-at-home mom. I know this is true because a friend of mine confirmed this. I never thought anything was possible with this man since he was over 70 years old and fat and my wife was a stunningly beautiful 38 year old woman. My wife is very friendly and had lots of friends, including contractors who did work on our house. It turns out that after AP pursued her every day for three months, they began a sexual affair. My wife claims that after 6 months she tried to break it off while having lunch and the AP got loud so she got nervous people nearby would overhear and dropped the subject. She tried to break it off again at the 9 month point, but AP told her that "he would never let her go" so my wife claims she was terrified that if she broke it off, the affair would be exposed. She claims she knows that AP's reaction was a threat. She was convinced that I wouldn't understand and would want a divorce and the kids would be devastated. Thus, she claims she stayed in the affair hoping over time to find a way to end it amicably. Although it never felt right after the nine month point, she does admit that she still had orgasms and tried to make the best of the situation. She stayed in the affair until the man died 7.5 years later. She claims that the sexual aspect of the affair stopped after 5 years. She thought the sex stopped because of her efforts, but after discussing the affair with me she now thinks it stopped because the AP couldn't perform any longer (prostate issues and multiple cancers). She always thought that it was her fault that the affair became sexual but only stayed beyond the failed breakups due to coercion, which she thinks wasn't her fault.

After discussing the affair with me over the last few months in which she seems open about what happened, she thinks that this man basically manipulated her like men do with woman who they sex traffic. AP convinced her that she needed him to pass various inspections and to get the job completed in a reasonable time so she continued to talk to him at our house. This lead to AP convincing her that she shouldn't have to be taking care of all the contractors and the project and that there was no way that I could lover her since I wasn't helping her. She would feel down about it and then he would love bomb her to make her feel better. He continued to bash me while making himself out to be the hero. She then became dependent on him emotionally. Once that happened, he began to push her to have sex. She was never sexually attracted to this man, but once she thought she was "in love" she felt an obligation to have sex with him. He also convinced her that he was the greatest in bed, which she claims was very far from the truth. All sorts of ED problems.

After discussing the affair with me and doing research, she now feels that the whole affair was basically sexual abuse, akin to incest or a pedophile. She claims that the AP lured and groomed her and then she became addicted to the love bombing. She claims that she couldn't really love somebody she didn't really know. She claims that there were no other affairs prior to this man or after him. She is willing to take a lie detector test to prove it. She also claims that AP had such control over her that 2 years into the affair he had her convinced that I was horrible and she had decided she was going to get a divorce. When she told AP she was contemplating getting a divorce, he told that would be a bad idea since she still had a good thing being a stay-at-home mom living in luxury (6000 sq. ft. home, range rover and luxurious vacations). So she dropped the divorce idea.

During the affair years my wife became very hostile and things were not good between us since she was obviously thinking about getting a divorce. She also seemed to go into a depression. However, she never saw a therapist or sought any meds. Once the sexual portion of the affair with AP stopped, I recall that she seemed to be feeling somewhat better. The last ten years after the AP died have been better with little fighting between us. However, sexually she always seemed distant since the time AP showed up. Only after revealing the affair does she seem totally committed to me emotionally and sexually.

I finally got what I have wanted all these years, a totally committed wife but now I'm struggling to leave this affair in the past. The fact that she had sex in my home multiple times a week for 5 years with AP and also had a large photo of this man on her desk until just recently makes me sick. The amount of lying that she had to do to cover up this affair for such a long period of time is literally mind boggling. Furthermore, she always talked highly of this man throughout the last 17 years, including emails that she sent to her friends upon his death. She thinks this may have been due to some sort of trauma bond since the affair lasted so long. She also thinks that she was trying to convince herself that AP was a good person because she couldn't face the fact that she was getting sexually abused.

I'm too embarrassed to talk to friends about this, so I need some third party opinions on what folks out there think.

Love is blindness
 

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Other than the age gap, this sounds like standard run of the mill affair, sorry. But she did a fabulous job of victimizing herself. And you bought it hook, line and sinker.

She was sooo scared to break it off until he died... 7years Later?! Wow.

If there’s one thing you’ll learn on these threads is that cheaters are liars. All the time. Rhey lie. A lot. And effortlessly. If you believe your wire was truly a victim of sexual abuse for... 7 years, then she’s done a good job manipulating you.

If you just accept her version of events and rug sweep this, you’ll regret it. I mean, the affair only stopped because he died for gods sakes. 7 years means your wife had another life. Not just an affair.

If you want to reconcile, there is a lot of work to do... on her end. And it won’t come by Victimizing herself. She was a willing participant and made a choice. Believing her version ensures that you’re not in true reconciliation and her behavior may certainly continue. Good luck.
 

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I can tell you right now that you are going to get swamped with a lot of responses saying basically she is a liar and untrustworthy and is manipulating you and she'll do it again and basically a lot of negative, maybe even saying she is probably having another affair right now.

And there is a chance any of it could be true. But abuse and manipulation are real things, and people can succumb to them and be caught in a web of the lies of the manipulator. Even when the abused wakes up, they can still believe the lies of how much they will lose by saying anything.

It will be up to you whether you believe her story. Even if you do, then you have to decide whether or not it is something you can live with. Her being manipulated will be mitigating enough for some people, but not for all. Will it be for you. This will not be an easy set of decisions for you. But you do need to go into it knowing that what she claims is plausible and has happened to others.
 

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I agree with her and believe that the situation was very abusive. I understand exactly how and why she was unable to leave… and would be sympathetic IF this was her husband. But it wasn’t. But all affair situations have this element of danger and abuse, ‘if I end this affair, my jaded lover has something over me and I can lose everything’.

It takes a certain person to be willing to throw everyone and everything under the bus. And to continue to live a double life. That was your wife.

Let’s face it, most affair partners are uglier, calculating, conniving and have sexual issues and usually aren’t all that great it bed. Of course he was badmouthing you and filling her head on what a poor catch you were. That’s every affair partner. They all bend over backwards to do this. Again, they also do get crazy at the thought of their partner trying to end it.

Her story is just the same as any affair story! Uglier/great age gap/I couldn’t stop it because of the consequences’. The fact that she waited that long (after his death!) to come clean tells me they were a perfect match. Yes, she was just like him.

Can I ask you, in your words, what prompted her to come clean? Not her version, yours. Because it must be self-serving, given her character. The guilt has finally hit her? Someone else knew and is not threatening her? She feels that her feelings are now consuming her, or she feels bad for how this must have affected YOU??? That’s the key here, does she feel bad for your hell, or hers?

Any instances of rage in your discussions? Where you talk about stuff, she feels/says how much she hurt you, but if it goes on too long she flies into rage and justifies things?
 

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Either she thinks you’re an idiot (had a large picture of “the abuser” on her desk at work) om..
Or she is mentally challenged.
This is the stupidest, worst thought out ******** story (excuse) I’ve read on here, and I’ve read some Whoppers.
It has so many examples of illogic I won’t even waste time pointing them out. Surely you know this isn’t true. Surely you can’t possibly believe she was boinking this guy until he literally couldn’t get it up anymore, multiple times a week in your home, while having an 8x10 of his smiling as on her desk until after he was dead, and it was against her will... coerced????

If you have convinced yourself a word of this is reality, then I can’t even blame it on anything but you using galactic level mental gymnastics to believe what you want to believe.

Tell your wife she should at least be able to devise a more believable whopper for you to swallow hook, line...... aw heck, the whole rod and reel too.
 

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Her story seems plausible, but then again, she lied to you for 7 years, so who can trust anything she says? I think you ought to see a therapist.
 

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Just over half your marriage is a lie. Maybe your wife is some kind of victim, maybe she's not. It's very difficult to believe she is, but, whatever.

The burden is on her to fix this. And it's a thousand percent understandable if you decide to end the marriage despite her best efforts, and I don't see any evidence she's put in any real effort in making you feel assured she's never had another affair; never going to have another affair, etc. Her effort so far seems geared toward making you think you are obligated to make her feel better and toward putting all her transgressions in the past. And it appears to me that's just what you want to do. All to avoid embarrassment and, I assume, avoid having your WW look bad to your kids, etc.

Is this really what you want to do to yourself?
 

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I think she has either convinced herself that none of this was her fault, or she has made her excuses up to convince you. Of course she was just as responsible. At any time she only had to tell you that he was persuing her and you would have got him to leave and got another builder.

I think she has told you a load if lies. It was very offensive of her to compare this to child abuse or incest, she was a mature married woman of nearly 40, not a 10 year old. She wasn't a vulnerable child.

Unless she is prepared to admit to her large part in this very long affair carried out in your own home, she will never be truly sorry or remourseful.
People in affairs often blame the other person. The Betrayed Spouses like you do as well, as it's easier to accept the affair if you think that poor little wifey was taken advantage of.
 

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Sir, I think your wife just admitted to you that she is an imbecile. Worse yet, she thinks you are stupid as well. Since you are living in a 6000 Sq. Ft. Home, I'm going to assume you are not stupid.

Did she just come out and say this or did you discover it? If she just admitted to you all of this on her own, then I think I'm gonna lean towards mentally challenged. Ther was no manipulation here of a 38 year old grown woman. None. So she was convinced you wouldn't understand and would want a divorce if ap would out her.

Wouldn't understand what, exactly? That in her mind cheating is ok, so you should understand that and that's why she has to hide it?

Dude, go live your best life without her. Another story where the cheater says,"no one gets hurt as long as no one finds out". That is the absolute worst. Every freaking time the betrayed feels something is wrong, they are neglected and treated like garbage. Then miraculously, the wayward comes back once the ap is gone. It's a Christmas miracle. I'd love for a wayward to explain how "no one is getting hurt" while the betrayed is being treated like garbage during the affair even though they just don't know why they are being treated terribly. Waywards, is that not hurting thr betrayed? Are they not suffering..... even though they don't know why?

That's too many years of horrible treatment while she got live the good life. There needs to be consequences and I think you've worked long and hard to provide for her and your family. Time to enjoy the benefits of that hard work.... with someone else.
 

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Sorry @Loveisblindness ,

One question that you wasn't clear on in your post. On DDay in June did you find out about the affair or have suspicions or did she confess on her own? A comment I would not think if what she said is true she would have a large photo of him on her desk, or would be telling him she was going to divorce. I personally think she is saying this to keep her current lifestyle. I also would have a hard time staying in the house now since he built most of it and that the had a lot of sex in it and I assume in your marital bed. However, it will be your decison if you want to live out the rest of your life with her.
 

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Or perhaps the reverse is the case? An older contractor is snared by a housewife into having an affair, for whatever reason?

After all, having very conveniently died, there is now no way for you to be able to confront the AP and ask him to confirm or deny what your wife is telling you.

I suggest marital counselling, but your wife must do all the heavy lifting.

Is there any way that you can get confirmation as to what was happening back then?
 

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Think about how men tell the story, she threw herself at me, she was relentless, she’s crazy, she’s desperate etc. She’s trying to stay the victim here so she can keep you feeling bad for her.
 

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So, basically, your wife had an affair and is trying real hard to make herself out to be the victim so you won't leave her and take half the assets. I mean, she might have to get a job!

Also, I wouldn't believe this was her only affair. She's either damn near non-functional mentally or a garden variety bored housewife using one man for security, stability, and $$ while getting her thrills on the side.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for all the replies. A little more background into how I found out. My wife did not tell me on her own and actually said she was intending to take this to her grave. Apparently she didn't tell a single person. I always suspected that something may have occurred (just not with this person) and had finally had enough of the disconnected and emotionally distant life. Given COVID, we were spending extensive time together so at times I would ask her probing indirect questions about those years. Her answers always seemed to indicate that maybe an affair occurred. I also confessed to her that during that time I thought our marriage was over and had slept with several escorts while on business trips. I was very remorseful and never tried to blame her. I think my guilt forced me to confess. After I confessed she didn't admit to anything so I told her I knew that something had happened. I couldn't believe that she had gotten so cold for no reason. After several weeks of me begging her to tell me and her denying anything happened, I told her that I wanted to separate and the only way I was going to stay and believe her was for her to take a polygraph test. She thought about it for a few days and finally admitted something happened but didn't give me any details. I guessed who the person was (finally woke up) so I knew how long the affair lasted. Over the last few months she has given me details, but the more details that she has given me, the more I realize how in the beginning of the confession she lied about the extent of the relationship.

We are now both in counseling. We put the marriage counseling on hold for now. She says that she has totally forgiven me for what I have done. It doesn't really seem to effect her that much. Her attitude seems to be that's ancient history which we cannot change so live for now, not in the past. However, for me it hasn't been that easy to forgive or forget.

Although I consider myself to be smart in my field, I was obviously very ignorant to relationship issues. Must stem from the fact that we were college sweethearts that never had any other sexual relationships prior to our marriage.

Keep the replies coming. Thanks for reading!

Love is blindness
 

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Thanks for all the replies. A little more background into how I found out. My wife did not tell me on her own and actually said she was intending to take this to her grave. Apparently she didn't tell a single person. I always suspected that something may have occurred (just not with this person) and had finally had enough of the disconnected and emotionally distant life. Given COVID, we were spending extensive time together so at times I would ask her probing indirect questions about those years. Her answers always seemed to indicate that maybe an affair occurred. I also confessed to her that during that time I thought our marriage was over and had slept with several escorts while on business trips. I was very remorseful and never tried to blame her. I think my guilt forced me to confess. After I confessed she didn't admit to anything so I told her I knew that something had happened. I couldn't believe that she had gotten so cold for no reason. After several weeks of me begging her to tell me and her denying anything happened, I told her that I wanted to separate and the only way I was going to stay and believe her was for her to take a polygraph test. She thought about it for a few days and finally admitted something happened but didn't give me any details. I guessed who the person was (finally woke up) so I knew how long the affair lasted. Over the last few months she has given me details, but the more details that she has given me, the more I realize how in the beginning of the confession she lied about the extent of the relationship.

We are now both in counseling. We put the marriage counseling on hold for now. She says that she has totally forgiven me for what I have done. It doesn't really seem to effect her that much. Her attitude seems to be that's ancient history which we cannot change so live for now, not in the past. However, for me it hasn't been that easy to forgive or forget.

Although I consider myself to be smart in my field, I was obviously very ignorant to relationship issues. Must stem from the fact that we were college sweethearts that never had any other sexual relationships prior to our marriage.

Keep the replies coming. Thanks for reading!

Love is blindness
Ok so you cheated as well. That does put a different spin on things. How can you feel agrieved if you did the same?
 

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Alright, so you cheated also. An issue for another day, I guess. Though, to be honest, I never take anyone at their word that they are remorseful, nor am I sure of the value of being in a self-described state of remorse, even when genuine. Regardless, you're not obligated to accept what your wife has chosen to accept. Also, her indifference toward your transgressions is likely close to how she feels about her own transgressions. She doesn't care about what she did, she cares about the consequences. To her, cheating just isn't a big deal.
 

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A large framed photo of this guy on her desk??

This speaks VOLUMES!!!

If my wife had a picture of ANY other man on her desk (not family) I'd be like "what the F"?? Why??

She was so "traumatized" and "manipulated" that she just had to have his picture on her desk so she could see this HORRIBLE tormentor EVERY.SINGLE.DAY???

Get the hell out of here.

I'd look her in the eyes and say, "pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells".

She really takes you for the Village Idiot!!!
 
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