[oldshirt]

We all know OP has waited 3, 4 years to resolve or divorce. And in a M, a wife can indeed say no all she wants, a H is free to then leave her, and should. Quickly.

I agree.

People are not entitled to sex.

But neither is anyone entitled to marriage or entitled to have a partner if they are not meeting the partner’s needs.

 

[DTO]

I agree.

People are not entitled to sex.

But neither is anyone entitled to marriage or entitled to have a partner if they are not meeting the partner’s needs.

I agree with you. But the OP's wife might not. Some people truly believe that sex is optional and will take offense to being left because of a lack of it.

That is why the OP needs to get his ducks in a row before doing anything.

 

[sunchild15]

Sunchild,

You may have a long time to live without sex at your age, unless you really like going to cat shows with your wife and helping her clean the house and watching the royals on TV.

One question you did not answer, but that is important is did she ever cheat on you, this can also include an emotional affair where she fell in love with someone on another continent, or contact with an old boyfriend.

The reason that is so important is that women frequently emotionally divorce their husbands during an affair and never again regain respect, romance or love for them. This can occur behind your back.

Also does you W masturbate? Her comment, I think it was something like "I have to be in the mood", sounds like she has desire just no desire for you, and she knows it and comes up with excuses to avoid the real reason.

She never cheated. She does not masturbate either.

 

[oldshirt]

She never cheated. She does not masturbate either.

Have you been in the same room with her every minute 24/7 for the past 5 years and had surveillance cameras on her during the times you were asleep?

 

[sunchild15]

My guess is that she has zero sexual desire and fully expects you to not do one damn thing about going out and finding someone else to have sex with so she feels pretty safe in telling you to do so. If you've been married a while, she knows you, knows what you're capable of and more importantly, what you're NOT capable of and therefore has no fear that you will make good on her promise to you.

If it were me, I would find some things to do outside of the house for a few nights...come home late, but in a very good mood. That will ferret out her true feelings on the matter. She may find that the idea of you actually out with somebody feels very different to her once it's something she thinks you will really do.

I have. I go to classes once per week and came home at 12 midnight and several other nights pre-covid I went out dancing as well and came home late. Some nights I went dancing after she went to sleep and then came home at 2 am, most of those times she had no idea. She does not have anyone on the side. She is always communicating to me and sharing what has happened in her day with her business and etc .

 

[sunchild15]

Have you been in the same room with her 24/7 for the past 5 years?

Yes. most of the time. Trust me I was even investigating what she has been doing because previously I assumed something similar but most of the time, I do know where she is. She likes her own space and is kind of an all to herself type person - most of her friends she talks to - she never talks about anything personal in anyway - just her business and general family stuff

 

[DTO]

Have you been in the same room with her every minute 24/7 for the past 5 years and had surveillance cameras on her during the times you were asleep?

It does not matter either way. The bottom line is she has cut him off. Whether she is cheating or too wrapped up in her business and family is irrelevant.

He should walk away in either instance. I honestly don't get why people recommend to go sleuthing, blow up the affair, etc. If my partner is banging some other dude, he can have her.

 

[notmyjamie]

I have. I go to classes once per week and came home at 12 midnight and several other nights pre-covid I went out dancing as well and came home late. Some nights I went dancing after she went to sleep and then came home at 2 am, most of those times she had no idea. She does not have anyone on the side. She is always communicating to me and sharing what has happened in her day with her business and etc .

If she didn’t know you were gone, she had nothing to be bothered by. Text her and say you won’t be home for dinner. Then come in before she will have gone to bed. Be in a great mood. If she asks how you’re night was act awkward and say “good” with a weird smile like you’re remembering the night. Then get in the shower.

If that doesn’t work either go find someone for real or go see a lawyer.

 

[oldshirt]

If she didn’t know you were gone, she had nothing to be bothered by. Text her and say you won’t be home for dinner. Then come in before she will have gone to bed. Be in a great mood. If she asks how you’re night was act awkward and say “good” with a weird smile like you’re remembering the night. Then get in the shower.

If that doesn’t work either go find someone for real or go see a lawyer.

That’s just playing games and being manipulative.

That might work for a 16 year trying to make her boyfriend give her more attention.

She hasn’t been intimate with him in 3-4 years and sent him a very matter of fact message to see other women and preemptively agreed to a divorce.

There’s no gaming this situation here. It is what it is.

 

[Mr. Nail]

.

 

[heartsbeating]

This is what was written to me by my wife:
EXPECTING “sexuality” from someone is the same as saying you are “ENTITLED” to sex. No one is “ENTITLED” to sex (unless you are human trafficking – which is criminal - or paying a hooker then it’s a business transaction). Perhaps one can be/ moved touched and inspired to have sex with another person but ‘EXPECTING’ someone to be “sexual” can only bring you disappointment.
In conclusion: You are free (from me) to have sex with anyone you like. I am ok with that. Also if you find someone that you want to move in with and live your life with just draw up papers so we can officially separate. If you want to officially separate now, I am ok with that.

I want to add that she said this after she found a message to a friend in which my friend said to me that my wife should know that I expect to have a sexual connection within the relationship. Perhaps she does not get how important that is as part of it. He mentioned that the reason my romance with her is ** is that maybe she does not really get that a sexual connection is important to me. I think she knows this after many conversations. She was probably pissed that she read my message in which he described in a sarcastic tone that my relationship is ** - in which she got upset and said you should not be talking of me in this light and that me telling or talking about her is - deformation of character and I should just worry about me. Perhaps she is pissed another part perhaps she is backed into a corner and has no energy left to give except just take care of herself. Perhaps she is more in a survival mode of eating, exercise, work on her business, and sleep because she has nothing extra to give..

Perhaps, maybe, think, probably, should not, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Okay, if she was annoyed that you discussed this with a friend, her email to you could be retaliation out of hurt and fear. She also could be suggesting that she needs to be inspired. However, another response could have been to recognize the hurt this is causing you, and stepped to what you could do together, and what she may need to become inspired again. However, she is grown-folk and therefore, I would personally take her response on face-value.

All I can offer is based on my personality. And that is, if my spouse wasn't willing to step up with me to make the marriage work with what is a reasonable part of an intimate relationship, and furthermore, expressed being fine with me having sex with others, and on top of that, was ok with officially separating, well, my bags would have been packed that night. Because the obvious communication is they are not willing to work on the marriage with me. I also would not want a friendship arrangement with someone I loved and desired, but need to have sex with others instead (based on the spouse being physically healthy and able).

I have not read the whole thread, my bad, and I do wonder if depression could be a part of this from losing her parents, however, not being willing to see a counselor, or to recognize this as an important aspect of connection which needs the attention of both of you, the response of 'go have sex with others, and see ya later if you want to move out'.... I can tell ya, I would be gone in a heartbeat. I value having each others' back and a spouse who wants me to share in this life with them, and acts accordingly alongside me. Rather than, what I would interpret from the email as, 'I don't give a flying funk about you.'

 

[In Absentia]

She is correct that being married doesn't entitle you to sex. She's also being fair when she says that you can have sex with other people and she would be OK with it. You can even separate if you find another soulmate. She is fine with that. She is giving you options. What's not fair is when she says that you only care about sex and you would be leaving her because of sex. It just shifts the blame on you, for a situation SHE created.

 

[leftfield]

I have. I go to classes once per week and came home at 12 midnight and several other nights pre-covid I went out dancing as well and came home late. Some nights I went dancing after she went to sleep and then came home at 2 am, most of those times she had no idea. She does not have anyone on the side. She is always communicating to me and sharing what has happened in her day with her business and etc .

If my partner cared this little about me and my life, I would....... well I would never allow myself to get in that situation.

How would you answer this question. How does she make my life better?

 

[Rob_1]

Dude: for your own piece of mind "give it up". You know it, we all can see it: you will not do a thing, and will just keep doing what you have been doing, which is "NOTHING" other than lamenting, wishing, and trying to understand. YOU are afraid, you are lacking the courage to do what you at least instinctually know what the solution (s) is/are: GET RID of her and find a new partner, or follow her advice: go out and have sex. But of course, we know you won't do a thing.