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Step one is to move into your own bedroom.

Related information: There are a lot of women who believe in their heart of hearts that all men want is sex, and that sex has nothing to do with love. That separation of love and sex is why your mixed up wife can say to you go have sex with someone else. To her it has nothing to do with your love for her. So show her the difference. Like I started.
1) Move into your own bedroom. This allows both of you some space from each other.
2) Withdraw emotionally. No talking about feelings. She is showing you that it isn't important to her. make it happen.
3) Start to make emotional connections with other people. Tell her that sex is a demonstration of love. If you are going to have sex with someone else you have to get close to them.

If she can get through all of that without changing her perception of sex and love, you will be ready to face the moving out discussion. But most women don't get past level one unless they want divorce.
 

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Its been 3-4 years since anything even a sexual massage or foreplay. That is the confusing part too. Yes, I know some people say this, and I have just let her be for some time. I am wondering what in the world she is thinking in her mind - my husband has not had sex with me in 3-4 years - hmm, that seems obvious she is a real in tune person on intuition too. At times I am like this is a game? Years back she said perhaps I can not fulfill all of your needs - if it was up to you and we had sex 2-3 times per week - you would be happy with that - she says .. Like she knows but she is not going to do that just because I want it ??
What she knows is that you aren’t going to do anything about it. Just like all the people on online forums that continue to stay married in the same situation and say “insert dumb excuse” is the reason they can’t do anything about it.
 

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I would call her out. Have the discussion posted earlier, does she want to know? want you to keep it a secret?...etc. If she gives you the green light again, I think you should really decided if you want to be married or not. Just dont think that if you are planning on staying in the marriage looking elsewhere for sex not a good idea.
 

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Sunchild how old are you and your wife? How long have you been married, and has sexual intimacy always been an issue with her?

And... ARE YOU SURE SHE IS NOT CHEATING OR EVER HAS CHEATED ON YOU??? There, I asked it since no one else would.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
Yes, and it is sad.

OP, I would first try to ask her what might inspire her. That seems to me like she was trying to make a point. Get her to come out and tell you what she means, what she needs. Many of us women try to "nuance" things instead of being direct, but I've learned that many men don't really "take a hint." Tell her to spell it out for you.

It could be that there is some wedge between you two that needs to be addressed. It could be that the sex was boring or unsatisfying previously. It could be that she needs emotional foreplay before getting busy. Really, it could be anything. ASK her.

Wouldn't it really suck if there is a simple fix to this issue but you end up divorcing just because neither of you were willing to have the hard talks? Anyway, good luck to you.
Well, when I ask for counseling she does not have a problem so she does not need to go... . Perhaps she can be depressed and does not want to admit it, she works out . In the years past she says she has sex and then had kids and feel shes has kind of been through the cycles. When I asked before what I could do to help us feel more connected. She said if I was just happy and we each worried about ourselves it would just take care of itself. When I scheduled dates and we discussed making time for intimacy she says you cant plan it like that. You do not just schedule intimacy, there seems to be many redirections. Years back she used to give me a massage and when I offered to give her a massage she said she already feels good and does not need to be touched in anyway - why cant I be happy with what I get .. Its mind boggling because aside from sex - you would think we are an amazing synergized couple, creating businesses - doing fun things its just not around anything sexual ..
 

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Its been 3-4 years since anything even a sexual massage or foreplay. That is the confusing part too. Yes, I know some people say this, and I have just let her be for some time. I am wondering what in the world she is thinking in her mind - my husband has not had sex with me in 3-4 years - hmm, that seems obvious she is a real in tune person on intuition too. At times I am like this is a game? Years back she said perhaps I can not fulfill all of your needs - if it was up to you and we had sex 2-3 times per week - you would be happy with that - she says .. Like she knows but she is not going to do that just because I want it ??
You know it really doesn't matter what she is thinking, what does matter is what she does.

One thing is pretty clear though, she doesn't want to have sex with you, and doesn't care who you have sex with.

So unless your wife is intellectually deficient, she would be right in presuming you are already getting sex elsewhere.

Given that, the fact you have now been celibate for a number of years is all on you.

So...
 

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So unless your wife is intellectually deficient, she would be right in presuming you are already getting sex elsewhere.
This is where you are wrong, imo. I don't think you know how the mind of a sex-starving wife works. She DOES NOT expect you to find it somewhere else. She expects you to comply, she is sure you will comply because that's what you've been doing until now. She knows she can push you. And why not? It's cakeism. Get your sex somewhere else is said in gist. She knows you won't do it. Now, if you are going to threaten divorce, be serious about it and mean it, but remember that there is a good chance she will say yes and she will deprive of your home, your kids and most of your earnings.
 

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Absolutely, that hit me as well, I mean what????? Inspired???? Its sad that she doesn't realise that you can have and even even enjoy sex because you love your spouse and want to please them and remain emotionally close. Even if you dont 'feel' like it and even if you arent 'inspired.'
I think that a woman telling their husband to go and find sex elsewhere is appalling and I hope you dont do that despite some here telling you to. You will be using other women and you would both be committing adultery which often has bad consequences.

I think your wife is being really cruel. She refuses to think of you, is being totally selfish, and expects you to go and have sex with other women but doesnt want you having a proper relationship with any of them or move in with them. The trouble is that we emotionally bond with people we have sex with, and you may well fall in love, or the woman may fall in love with you, so what then?
As I see it she wants all of the priviledges of being married but isnt prepared to work on something that is so important, yet she isnt honest or decent enough to end the marriage so you can meet a woman who would love you enough.

My advise would be not to sleep with anyone else while you are still married, but deeply think about whether you can live with things the way you are for good, or you may need to end the marriage sadly.
In your place I would say, I cant live with this situation and I am not going to committ adultery, so the only alternative is that I end the marriage. See what she says. If she still refuses to get any help or make an effort then I cant see what alternative there is.
I agree with this response. I think it is a cruel act and in some way she lost interest (maybe a combination of many things). However all that said, marriage should be mutual and work towards being being close emotionally and physically. 3 years is a very long time.

having sex should never be a task/obligation/or something one must do.

it should be mutual (not forced or one wanting it while other not interested). If it becomes that way, both partners must look inward, outward and what they need to consider towards each other to get the attraction back.

read up on what makes the opposite sex find you attractive and consider if you have done things to offend her or turn her off. And even if this is the case, give it a good go to woe her back.

however if she doesn’t care or want to consider your needs, she is only thinking of her self and that is the death of things (but give it a go, read up and maybe talk to a counsellor your self first alone.

be faithful, give it a shot, and if she responds you will know. If she is not interested that you may have to love yourself more than she loves you. And find a partner that respects you, that you give respect towards and live in a healthy relationship where you feel it is fulfilling.

I would think many people of the opposite sex feel equally disrespected.

so if it has to finish, finish well, finish with the highest amount of respect.

You don’t need a sex life that others may enjoy, you just need one that you enjoy (not one you don’t).
 

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This is where you are wrong, imo. I don't think you know how the mind of a sex-starving wife works. She DOES NOT expect you to find it somewhere else. She expects you to comply, she is sure you will comply because that's what you've been doing until now. She knows she can push you. And why not? It's cakeism. Get your sex somewhere else is said in gist. She knows you won't do it. Now, if you are going to threaten divorce, be serious about it and mean it, but remember that there is a good chance she will say yes and she will deprive of your home, your kids and most of your earnings.
Wow! Where is your backbone?

If my wife told me to get sex elsewhere while withholding sex from me, I can assure you I would afford her the dignity of respecting her desires as stated. and I would have absolutely no hesitation in seeking sex elsewhere, with it being none of her business going forward.
 

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As I see it she wants all of the priviledges of being married but isnt prepared to work on something that is so important, yet she isnt honest or decent enough to end the marriage so you can meet a woman who would love you enough.
That's how I see it, too.

In my mind, there is a simple fact. Married people have sex. No sex = no marriage.

The clear instruction of the bible is that married people "do not own their body", but rather, their spouse does. That's just about as clear as any teaching I could want on the subject.

No sex means abandonment, in many locales and jurisdictions, the laws allow divorce for this reason.

Wouldn't it really suck if there is a simple fix to this issue but you end up divorcing just because neither of you were willing to have the hard talks?
Yes, but begin the "hard talk" with what the bible says, and what the law says (assuming that you know) .... and that if no change happens in a defined period, like one month, you are going to pursue a divorce on these grounds.

You are friends.
She likes this life, living with her friend.
She is not interested in sex with you.
This is 100% correct. You have been "friend-zoned". BTDT. I still am, because I can't take the financial losses I would have in a divorce.
Make sure you understand completely, on the advice of an attorney, where you will "be" after the divorce.
 

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Wow! Where is your backbone?
I'm not talking about myself, because it's unacceptable and I won't stay. I have made mistakes, but if paying for them means no sex, then I don't see the point of being married. I was describing the mindset of a partner who is withholding, because I'm familiar with it and I've been there.
 

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This is where you are wrong, imo. I don't think you know how the mind of a sex-starving wife works. She DOES NOT expect you to find it somewhere else. She expects you to comply, she is sure you will comply because that's what you've been doing until now. She knows she can push you. And why not? It's cakeism. Get your sex somewhere else is said in gist. She knows you won't do it. Now, if you are going to threaten divorce, be serious about it and mean it, but remember that there is a good chance she will say yes and she will deprive of your home, your kids and most of your earnings.
She may not expect him to be successful but as the looking for and interactions with other females while looking will take up a lot of time and effort. And he'll only get better at it.

If she sees that amount of effort and time on his part it may shake her up. He won't always be around for her at the house or in errands. That will indeed get her attention.

What happens when that's all going on will be an adventure.

That's why going fishing isn't called going catching because one doesn't always catch, everytime.

But persistence usually pays off.

And it takes time, effort, and money.
 

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I was describing the mindset of a partner who is withholding, because I'm familiar with it and I've been there.
Their mindset is irrelevant.

Withholding sex in the first place is sufficient good reason to warrant feeling free to seek sex elsewhere.

At the end of the day if someone in a monogamous sexual relationship expects sexual fidelity, they better put out. Otherwise they forfeit any moral obligation from their sexual partner to afford them any sexual fidelity going forward.
 

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Their mindset is irrelevant.

Withholding sex in the first place is sufficient good reason to warrant feeling free to seek sex elsewhere.

At the end of the day if someone in a monogamous sexual relationship expects sexual fidelity, they better put out. Otherwise they forfeit any moral obligation from their sexual partner to afford them any sexual fidelity going forward.
Surely better to end the marriage first so that he is free to met someone who loves him. Far better than staying in a marriage were the wife doesnt really care and having lots of empty meaningless sex with multiple women.
 

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At the end of the day if someone in a monogamous sexual relationship expects sexual fidelity, they better put out. Otherwise they forfeit any moral obligation from their sexual partner to afford them any sexual fidelity going forward.
So, you would be unfaithful before you divorce your wife for not putting out?
 

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She may not expect him to be successful but as the looking for and interactions with other females while looking will take up a lot of time and effort. And he'll only get better at it.

If she sees that amount of effort and time on his part it may shake her up. He won't always be around for her at the house or in errands. That will indeed get her attention.

What happens when that's all going on will be an adventure.

That's why going fishing isn't called going catching because one doesn't always catch, everytime.

But persistence usually pays off.

And it takes time, effort, and money.
If you wife tells you to get go get it somewhere else, she might be bluffing, but it indicates a certain willingness to endure whatever her husband brings to the table in terms of withholding affection and acts of service. She doesn't want to have sex with her husband, which to me, means she doesn't give a **** about him. He can do whatever he likes, she won't change her decision. That said, I would mention the D word.
 

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If you wife tells you to get go get it somewhere else, she might be bluffing, but it indicates a certain willingness to endure whatever her husband brings to the table in terms of withholding affection and acts of service. She doesn't want to have sex with her husband, which to me, means she doesn't give a **** about him. He can do whatever he likes, she won't change her decision. That said, I would mention the D word.
Yep, me too, etc.

What I'm adding is that when she sees how much time his searching and he adds relationships to his life, she may see her non sexual life in jeopardy as well. As she should.
 
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