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So I have been on here before and I am just wanting to figure out what to do because mainly I am confused - it's a conflict between my expectations and my wife saying if I want sex to go ahead and have it - she gives me permission. So we are both healthy and everything is great in life with family things we create - yet when it comes to sex - after sharing how I feel and communicating this - the answer is getting is that - just because we are married - I am not entitled to sex. I was sharing with a friend my feelings and she read a text she found in which I was discussing sex and that I miss the physical connection in which my friend said perhaps my wife does not know that I want to have sex as part of my relationship. her response which she sent in an email was " I give you permission to have sex with whoever you want to - it's what you want and you cant expect just because we are married that I will have sex with you as I have to be inspired to do so. She said she does not have an issue with me having sex unless I wanted to move in with someone else then we would have to talk about that and decide what to do. My wife does not seem to be interested in anyone at all sexually and most of the time she spends working and sleeping. But I feel sexual and I guess I am attached to having that experience we used to have ... Its so confusing as we just bought a house - she says she is happy with moving and so excited its just like the sexual switch is turned off. I have asked her to go to counseling and she says why - She has no issues at all - she is happy the way she is.

When your a parent, have a family and then my wife says - I am not stopping you - what confusion. In my head I think - she cant want me to have sex with other people - its been like 3 years since we did anything - sex, oral and anything sexual, we go for walks, get coffee, take drives, watch movies and spend time together all of the time, its the most baffling thing. Honestly, who wants to make someone want to be sexual - but then after 3 years - I miss sex and being physically connected - I want pleasure and sex to be part of my life. Is there any other husbands or wives out there who have been in a similar situation. Is there some solution here that does not involve trying to change her? Do I handle my own needs on the side - never thought I would be stuck in this place. She is 52 and I am 50, I cant force her to go to the doctor and honestly I want her to feel inspired to do something - No one wants to be sexual with someone who is not into having sex at all ... We are both super healthy, vegan and active - I just cannot get my head around it - After this long its hard not think about sex and be horny - what do I do ?
 

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Maybe she is post-menopausal and she has lost all interest in sex. My wife said that to me when we were in our mid-fifties. She was done and she said I could have sex with other women if I really wanted a sexual relationship. I stayed to support her (she has some mental issues and empty-nest syndrome, albeit fully functioning), but I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with no affection whatsoever, so I'll be off when this stupid virus does one... it's sad, but I have no other option. It's soul-crushing.
 

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You would have done well to oblige her wishes.
Not sure she was serious... I think it was act of desperation. As you probably know, sex has been a bone of contention in the second part of our marriage. At the time, I didn't want another woman. If I could turn the clock back, I would gladly accept the offer... :giggle:
 

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Which ought to be a valuable lesson, for @sunchild15 and others facing similar predicaments.
Absolutely... the problem is, like in most relationships, both spouses have their share of fault/blame, so, unless you feel you've been greatly mistreated, you end up thinking you kind of deserve it. Well, at least that was my reasoning. I know, rather twisted. The problem is: there is nothing you can do to fix the issue, so just get out.
 

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Absolutely... the problem is, like in most relationships, both spouses have their share of fault/blame, so, unless you feel you've been greatly mistreated, you end up thinking you kind of deserve it.
Speak for yourself!

There is no way I wouldn't start sharing sex with others very quickly, if my wife stopped having plenty of sex with me. And I certainly wouldn't feel like I deserved a lacklustre sex life.
 

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Speak for yourself!

There is no way I wouldn't start sharing sex with others very quickly, if my wife stopped having plenty of sex with me. And I certainly wouldn't feel like I deserved a lacklustre sex life.
I not really saying I "deserved" it, only that I can understand and that it's in the back of your mind. Despite all our faults, denying a sex life to your partner is cruel and unacceptable. This why I will be out soon, despite the vast army of "non believers" here on TAM. I understand them, though, because I have changed my mind several times... :giggle:
 

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I have to be inspired to do so
This is the KEY thing that jumped out at me. The rest sounds more like, "yeah, if you want it that bad then go get it." Not like she is actually giving you permission to cheat on your marriage/family.

You might want to actually... ask... her what types of things might inspire her. Just a thought.
 

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So I have been on here before and I am just wanting to figure out what to do because mainly I am confused - it's a conflict between my expectations and my wife saying if I want sex to go ahead and have it - she gives me permission. So we are both healthy and everything is great in life with family things we create - yet when it comes to sex - after sharing how I feel and communicating this - the answer is getting is that - just because we are married - I am not entitled to sex. I was sharing with a friend my feelings and she read a text she found in which I was discussing sex and that I miss the physical connection in which my friend said perhaps my wife does not know that I want to have sex as part of my relationship. her response which she sent in an email was " I give you permission to have sex with whoever you want to - it's what you want and you cant expect just because we are married that I will have sex with you as I have to be inspired to do so. She said she does not have an issue with me having sex unless I wanted to move in with someone else then we would have to talk about that and decide what to do. My wife does not seem to be interested in anyone at all sexually and most of the time she spends working and sleeping. But I feel sexual and I guess I am attached to having that experience we used to have ... Its so confusing as we just bought a house - she says she is happy with moving and so excited its just like the sexual switch is turned off. I have asked her to go to counseling and she says why - She has no issues at all - she is happy the way she is.

When your a parent, have a family and then my wife says - I am not stopping you - what confusion. In my head I think - she cant want me to have sex with other people - its been like 3 years since we did anything - sex, oral and anything sexual, we go for walks, get coffee, take drives, watch movies and spend time together all of the time, its the most baffling thing. Honestly, who wants to make someone want to be sexual - but then after 3 years - I miss sex and being physically connected - I want pleasure and sex to be part of my life. Is there any other husbands or wives out there who have been in a similar situation. Is there some solution here that does not involve trying to change her? Do I handle my own needs on the side - never thought I would be stuck in this place. She is 52 and I am 50, I cant force her to go to the doctor and honestly I want her to feel inspired to do something - No one wants to be sexual with someone who is not into having sex at all ... We are both super healthy, vegan and active - I just cannot get my head around it - After this long its hard not think about sex and be horny - what do I do ?
At this point, you need to decide what it is that you need. If you need the intimacy of a partner along with the physicality, then it's a decision between leaving to find someone who can provide that need or staying without sex. If you are the kind that can get your emotional and physical needs from separate people, your wife has given you the solution.

With that said, on the later option, I would sit down with her and talk it through. Tell her that this is a big decision for you at least, and you want something more substantial that simply an email. If she still agrees, ask her what she wants out of such an arrangement. Does she want to know who? Does she want advanced warning of a time with the other person to avoid scheduling conflicts? Does she want no knowledge at all? Does she only want a STI screening in case she decides to be sexual again? Is she against an emotional relationship?

The key to ethical non monogamy is communication. And that level of communication can vary depending upon the individuals involved. While I am open, if I know a potential partner has a SO, I want that SO to tell me to my face that my potential partner is doing this with their knowledge. If the SO doesn't even want that level, I don't start with the potential partner. Neither view is wrong. They are both right for the people involved.

If you have any further questions, myself and a couple of others on here are well versed in ethical non monogamy. Feel free to ask.

Sent from my cp3705A using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Speak for yourself!

There is no way I wouldn't start sharing sex with others very quickly, if my wife stopped having plenty of sex with me. And I certainly wouldn't feel like I deserved a lacklustre sex life.
Its been 3-4 years since anything even a sexual massage or foreplay. That is the confusing part too. Yes, I know some people say this, and I have just let her be for some time. I am wondering what in the world she is thinking in her mind - my husband has not had sex with me in 3-4 years - hmm, that seems obvious she is a real in tune person on intuition too. At times I am like this is a game? Years back she said perhaps I can not fulfill all of your needs - if it was up to you and we had sex 2-3 times per week - you would be happy with that - she says .. Like she knows but she is not going to do that just because I want it ??
 

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I got a bad chest infection 3 years ago. My wife moved out of the bedroom because of my cough and... never returned. When I challenged her, she gave me several reasons for not wanting sex, not just with me, with anybody: menopause, empty nest syndrome and being fat. Also, what I did in our marriage. The fact that I got angry with her because of the lack of sex, I isolated myself, was difficult to live with for some years. Also blamed it on my alcohol consumption (she used to drink with me!) and my smoking. I haven't been doing any of the above for years, but she says it's too late. She has some mental issues, so I guess that's always been the reason (plus her antidepressants, libido killers), but she doesn't want to admit it. Maybe there are reasons you not aware of? Sometimes, lying is a lot easier.
 

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This is the KEY thing that jumped out at me. The rest sounds more like, "yeah, if you want it that bad then go get it." Not like she is actually giving you permission to cheat on your marriage/family.

You might want to actually... ask... her what types of things might inspire her. Just a thought.
Absolutely, that hit me as well, I mean what????? Inspired???? Its sad that she doesn't realise that you can have and even even enjoy sex because you love your spouse and want to please them and remain emotionally close. Even if you dont 'feel' like it and even if you arent 'inspired.'
I think that a woman telling their husband to go and find sex elsewhere is appalling and I hope you dont do that despite some here telling you to. You will be using other women and you would both be committing adultery which often has bad consequences.

I think your wife is being really cruel. She refuses to think of you, is being totally selfish, and expects you to go and have sex with other women but doesnt want you having a proper relationship with any of them or move in with them. The trouble is that we emotionally bond with people we have sex with, and you may well fall in love, or the woman may fall in love with you, so what then?
As I see it she wants all of the priviledges of being married but isnt prepared to work on something that is so important, yet she isnt honest or decent enough to end the marriage so you can meet a woman who would love you enough.

My advise would be not to sleep with anyone else while you are still married, but deeply think about whether you can live with things the way you are for good, or you may need to end the marriage sadly.
In your place I would say, I cant live with this situation and I am not going to committ adultery, so the only alternative is that I end the marriage. See what she says. If she still refuses to get any help or make an effort then I cant see what alternative there is.
 

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@sunchild15

You really need to have an indepth talk with your wife about sexual intimacy. You need to understand what she means by being inspired. You need to know why she thinks she can not meet your needs and exactly what needs she can't meet. You need to be very clear to yourself and her what physical/sexual intimacy means to you. For example, if I was in your shoes I would tell my wife that I am going to be emotionally invested in the woman that I am being sexual with (which would obviously lead to the end of one marriage and possible the beginning of another). You might be different, but you need to be clear with your wife about who you are.
 

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+1 on what @Diana7 wrote above. I think it’s a cruel thing to suggest and at least for me I don’t want a pure roommate/friend to live with. Outsourcing sex like outsourcing your landscaping would never work for me but if it works for you and your wife then more power to you!
 

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Like she knows but she is not going to do that just because I want it ??
No, she's not going to do it because she's not interested in you sexually. She has the life she wants, and that life does not include sex with you. I'm speaking as a woman.
 

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My advise would be not to sleep with anyone else while you are still married, but deeply think about whether you can live with things the way you are for good, or you may need to end the marriage sadly.
Yes, and it is sad.

OP, I would first try to ask her what might inspire her. That seems to me like she was trying to make a point. Get her to come out and tell you what she means, what she needs. Many of us women try to "nuance" things instead of being direct, but I've learned that many men don't really "take a hint." Tell her to spell it out for you.

It could be that there is some wedge between you two that needs to be addressed. It could be that the sex was boring or unsatisfying previously. It could be that she needs emotional foreplay before getting busy. Really, it could be anything. ASK her.

Wouldn't it really suck if there is a simple fix to this issue but you end up divorcing just because neither of you were willing to have the hard talks? Anyway, good luck to you.
 

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I am wondering what in the world she is thinking in her mind - my husband has not had sex with me in 3-4 years - hmm, that seems obvious she is a real in tune person on intuition too.
I'm sure that she is not thinking about it at all unless you bring it up, so if you are waiting for her to have an epiphany and come around on her own, it ain't gonna happen.
 
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