Yes, he is open to mediation or yes he would screw you over unexpectedly?
If he is open to mediation, see what your state has to offer.
Sexless marriage!!!!!
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If he is open to mediation, see what your state has to offer.
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Lol He's open to mediation. I'm just confused because my stepfather told me I should get a lawyer because I'm entitled to his pension???
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I mean, you have kids to share custody with 50/50, so it's not like you're ever going to get him out of your life, and it's not like you're getting much of a relationship from him now with him in your home, so if you do divorce, it would at least leave you free to have someone in your life (whether it worked long-term or not) who paid attention to you.
I am not minimizing your childhood trauma and his and glad it's being worked through. It could be a reason. Sometimes when your own child reaches the age at which either of you were traumatized, it can trigger you bigtime and make you have to deal with your own trauma finally. If you think that's the case, worth holding out for to see if it helps. I do know one young guy who had ED and worked through it with a counselor and it was from childhood trauma as well.
You have complex issues. The trauma, being together since before your brains were fully formed, not exploring like most people do these days before they marry. I imagine that is affecting him for sure and you as well. Like I said, even if you go your own ways, you'll be seeing each other each week to exchange the kids. And if you do divorce (and still have kids in the house), be sure to insist on 50/50 joint custody with him so you have 3 1/2 days a week to help you keep your career going without kid problem interruptions and that same time to relax and socialize. Don't be a martyr and let him be the free and single one while you do it all for the kids and try to work on top of it. Make him do his part. In the US, that is the norm these days, joint 50/50.
Whether or not you are entitled to part of his pension would be covered under state law. That may not be true where you are or under the circumstances of your divorce.
You'd have to talk to a mediator to see if that can be agreed upon without a lawyer
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You are entitled to 50% including retirement benefits in most states
It would be best to look at website for your state as each can be different
Often times the pension is offset with something else like external cash or house equity.
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I don't get it.. I truly don't, we in the west screwed up and came up with our own crap in marriages and that's why we have a a society that's missed up completely!
How does she have the right to step out just because the separation?!
Separation doesn't nullify the vows you make, it doesn't, no matter how you want to spin it, you still will be committing adultery if you step out!
The fact that many people talk about boundaries when they separate (Unless they go to Church and nullify it) shows you how they don't understand the vows they took when getting married!
Even if your spouse tells you you can have sex outside the marriage it's still doesn't nullify the vows and if you do it its considered adultery!
Maybe I got it wrong!
Maybe someone can enlighten me!
The way I see it, if you tell your spouse you want a divorce and that you are leaving and you pack your stuff and move out and tell them to do whatever they want to do - you have just tore up your spouse card and waive your rights to whatever they do. If they go out and screw the neighborhood,,, too bad so sad.
Now that being said, that doesn't mean that anyone's heart will necessarily agree with that.
If you decide to come back and try again at a later date and they have screwed someone else, your heart won't care that you tore up your spouse card. But again, too bad so sad. You waive your rights to someone's exclusivity when you leave them.
If you want to argue that the divorce isn't final yet, I don't care. that is just a legal formality that takes time to get all the paperwork processed. When you tell your partner you are leaving and you walk out that door - they are a free agent consenting adult that can do as they please.
If you don't want your partner boinking other people, don't leave them.
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7,544 Posts
Breaking up at marriage because your husband won’t **** you is perfectly reasonable. It’s kind of a big deal. Unless there’s a medical reason.
Antidepressants is a pretty much guaranteed no sex pill.
Antidepressants is a pretty much guaranteed no sex pill.
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@oldshirt I have to disagree to a point. This guy moved out due to her betrayal. Since she says she was remorseful and still loved her husband, she should have fought for the marriage and try to fix the damage that her affair caused but that’s not the vibe I’m getting from her. For OP to have a new lover that was not her original affair partner, doesn’t sound like someone that was fighting for the marriage and I wouldn’t blame her husband for feeling like she really didn’t cared about him all that much.
Now I don’t know how long she waited before taking a new lover but I know you are aware of how many threads we’ve had of BHs who have reported that they had a break up for a night or weekend to only find out their wife was already giving herself to a new guy the same night. I’m guessing / hoping it was a decent amount of time before she was in her new lover’s bed but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband thinks it happened really quickly.
Now if the marriage is truly over, I understand if she moves on but these 2 have been together for 27 years and have raised three kids together, I would think that after a relationship like that ends, you at least mourn the death of the marriage for a while. But it sounds like you’re saying that wives (yes, it’s usually women) that separate, they are free then and there?
Now I don’t know how long she waited before taking a new lover but I know you are aware of how many threads we’ve had of BHs who have reported that they had a break up for a night or weekend to only find out their wife was already giving herself to a new guy the same night. I’m guessing / hoping it was a decent amount of time before she was in her new lover’s bed but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband thinks it happened really quickly.
Now if the marriage is truly over, I understand if she moves on but these 2 have been together for 27 years and have raised three kids together, I would think that after a relationship like that ends, you at least mourn the death of the marriage for a while. But it sounds like you’re saying that wives (yes, it’s usually women) that separate, they are free then and there?
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Hmm. Legalisms don't really work in reality.
If you want to keep your mate, don't **** someone else.
It's really simple and you have to go full retard to think otherwise.
I get your point and as I stated in an earlier post, I even understand why her H has not been able to get past this and reconnect with her. The damage has been done even though she has been doing therapy and what not. I get that and it is sad.
I also know that his heart is not going to care whether they were formally separated or not at the time.
But I will go back to what I said, if someone tells their spouse they are leaving and divorcing them and walks out the door,, they've waived their rights to that person's exclusivity.
This is what chicks do. It's called monkey branching and it's part of the female nomenclature. If one dude leaves, she makes a txt and 15 minutes later the next dude shows up with 12-pack of Schlitz and a carton of cigarettes. That scenario is going to play out 1000 times tonight across the globe and a 1000 times tomorrow and 1000 times the day after that.
Now they both bear responsibility here. He knew or should have known she would Monkey Branch, it ain't no secret. If you don't want your partner screwing other people, don't dump them.
And she knew or should have known that he would have a big issue with it should they try to reconcile at a later time. A part of me thinks she did intentionally to make him jealous so he would come back. Bit her in arse there it did.
He went stomping off to try to bang some other chick to show her but monkey branching doesn't work for guys like it does chicks so that bit him in the arse too.
She's acting like she's entitled to a free pass and a reconciliation here since she's agreed to try again and seems genuinely surprised that he's not getting into the groove here. But the heart just doesn't work that way.
This is all sad and I feel bad for them, but this is following the script. This is how it works.
It goes both ways. If you don't want your partner to bang other dudes, don't dump and leave her because this is what chicks do.
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Nobody not saying it wasn't wrong , it was wrong , very wrong...
Thank you
Lots of mistakes were made , yes it was a decent amount of time .. and not that you'll probably even understand or get it. But let me just paint the picture before he left I kind of came out of the blue. I thought we were doing better. We're working on it. We got into disagreement and then he was like I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. I actually don't love you. I want a divorce. I'm packing up my stuff and I'm leaving. I begged and begged and begged and cried apologized again. I was still the therapy working on myself and when this happened my dad had just died. I literally thought I was going to die. I contemplated taking my life. That's how bad it was and lost about 15-20 lb. It was just really bad. I still didn't figure out that. The reason I needed so much attention from males was because of my childhood trauma, I didn't know all that yet. But anyway I'm just trying to figure out how long I should wait I guess wait for him maybe to heal? We had therapy today and he asked for more time, so of course I should give him more time right?
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what was the disagreement about???
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I'm not sure but now in hindsight he was still very hurt from the emotional affair I had, so every little thing was like triggering
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I'm not the one claiming this situation is acceptable in any way. I believe they are done.
Don't start crying when you want to hang onto someone while you're ****ing someone else. That's going full retard and anyone with an I.Q. higher than 2 knows it.
No, you remember every word and every syllable like it was this morning.
what was the argument about and what triggered it?
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And even if there is a medical reason, there are many other things a couple can do to maintain intimacy and be sexual together, whether they have orgasms or not.
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Seriously I don't I smoke a lot of bud I don't ,we were out having a drink...we were in those and got into an argument...no reason for me to lie now lol
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