Talk About Marriage banner
41 - 60 of 98 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,298 Posts
With your relationship starting as high school sweethearts, I take it you were each other’s first or near first. It is very huge thing for a guy who had an untouched wife to know she’s no longer what he had, especially if she’s the mother of his kids. I’m sure he’s having mind movies all the time.

You guys separated because of your EA, then you started hooking up with your OM. Do you think that showed that you loved your husband and were hoping to restore your family? That your husband angrily said he doesn’t care what you do during the separation was not carte Blanche to take your affair to the next level. I think you know that and are being disingenuous when you answered the question of were boundaries discussed.

You said that you’re husband is often angry or aggressive. Was that the case for all 27 years? Was he always low drive? Does he take any meds? Is he on the spectrum?

Also, is there more to this story?
it almost feels like you’re holding back details. Were there other affairs prior to this one?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #45 ·
With your relationship starting as high school sweethearts, I take it you were each other’s first or near first. It is very huge thing for a guy who had an untouched wife to know she’s no longer what he had, especially if she’s the mother of his kids. I’m sure he’s having mind movies all the time.

You guys separated because of your EA, then you started hooking up with your OM. Do you think that showed that you loved your husband and were hoping to restore your family? That your husband angrily said he doesn’t care what you do during the separation was not carte Blanche to take your affair to the next level. I think you know that and are being disingenuous when you answered the question of were boundaries discussed.

You said that you’re husband is often angry or aggressive. Was that the case for all 27 years? Was he always low drive? Does he take any meds? Is he on the spectrum?

Also, is there more to this story?
it almost feels like you’re holding back details. Were there other affairs prior to this one?
Yes we are high school sweethearts but we did both have other partners prior to us being together, Yes, I was absolutely wrong for having an emotional affair. Then we separated for like a week or two. Then he came back and obviously he was doing things behind my back to get back to me for what I did to him and I understand that, we were working things out for a few months then I found out about his friend from work. A lot of s*** came out about her and lying again. There was a lot of back and forth and tit for tat this is before we really got into therapy and found out why we get kept hurting each other. Please remember this has been over a course of 3 years so it's kind of fuzzy to remember all the details. He moved out for a whole year. We were officially separated. There is no real talk about what about what our boundaries were going to be he basically said I'm going to do what I want to do. You do what you want to do. But before he moved out and I begged him not to and I begged for him to keep going to therapy and to not leave the family and sobbed and cried. He told me he hasn't loved me for years. He told me he wanted a divorce. He said all these horrible things and packed his bags and literally took everything that he owned out of the house. So no when I slept with another man I didn't think it was going to restore my family or show him. I loved him but at that point I was broken and thought my family was completely over. And again, this was prior to me doing my therapy to fix the reasons why I stepped out on my marriage. There's not more to this. The guy I hooked up with was not the one I had an emotional affair with. I'm an open book. I'll give more details. There is not other very prior to this. I've always been loyal . He's my everything and just years of him neglecting emotionally abusing me rejecting me sexually. I think at one point he told me we don't have sex cuz it's you. I don't want to f*** I think that kind of was my breaking point.

During our therapy we found out obviously he was suffering from depression and depression in men usually comes out as anger and aggression and that's what we were dealing with him all these years and I did not know so we did get him on antidepressants which did help with his irritability aggression.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,566 Posts
So he is happy now? What is making him happy?

Unfortunately, even though you had the right to step out on the physical affair with the separation, it doesn't mean he can get past it. Have you seen a sex therapist? They specialize in this kind of relationship dynamic.

So it sounds like you aren't very far from the same state you were in before. He's still sexually rejecting you and blaming you. I guess he's less angry now?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #47 ·
So he is happy now? What is making him happy?

Unfortunately, even though you had the right to step out on the physical affair with the separation, it doesn't mean he can get past it. Have you seen a sex therapist? They specialize in this kind of relationship dynamic.

So it sounds like you aren't very far from the same state you were in before. He's still sexually rejecting you and blaming you. I guess he's less angry now?
He said if I was happy and content with no sex then we would be good but because I'm unhappy and I want more from him that's what's upsetting,

He does agree that I had the right. He does agree. He tried to sleep around as well. He does agree that if he did sleep around that he would still feel the same way about me being with someone else. He knows it sucks and it's unfair but it's his feelings and we just don't know what to do

And you are right, we are exactly where we were before all this happened and that's what I say to him. Does it matter? We are still in the same situation? Not very much attention. No sex and me unhappy but not wanting to leave him. I just don't know what to do

And now we haven't tried a sex therapist. I think I'll look into that. You have been so wonderful! It's been so nice talking back and forth with someone with my thoughts

Yes, he's definitely less angry and he's definitely trying to communicate better but again he's who he is and I'm willing to accept that. I just need a little more attention and I need some intimacy. I understand his sex drive won't be at the level is mine and that's okay
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,298 Posts
Thanks for providing more details. I feel really bad for your situation. Your pain just leapt off the page on your response. Is he seeing a professional for his depression. Is he on any meds?

Does he know all the details of your sexual relationship with OM? Not asking for details but just want to say that with you being separated for a year, he may be thinking you were very wanton with this guy or that there were more OMs.

We men tend to be possessive of our women, so learning that you were sexually active during the separation, he can feel like you’re no longer his. Even though you’re telling him you want him, his mind will fight it as a protection from getting hurt. Add in his porn use, and his mind will think you were like the actresses, which will reinforce the mind movies.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #49 ·
Thanks for providing more details. I feel really bad for your situation. Your pain just leapt off the page on your response. Is he seeing a professional for his depression. Is he on any meds?

Does he know all the details of your sexual relationship with OM? Not asking for details but just want to say that with you being separated for a year, he may be thinking you were very wanton with this guy or that there were more OMs.

We men tend to be possessive of our women, so learning that you were sexually active during the separation, he can feel like you’re no longer his. Even though you’re telling him you want him, his mind will fight it as a protection from getting hurt. Add in his porn use, and his mind will think you were like the actresses, which will reinforce the mind movies.
Thank you so much, and unfortunately when we were going to our very unhealthy tit for tat stage he did read some messages. He did get some details so that is part of the problem is he has some visuals in his head that he can't get out. He did do some special work with his therapist. Some like trauma work to try to get it out of his head but unfortunately it didn't help... He really wanted to help but I think you're right him just knowing that somebody else touched me and was with me. It's just completely devastating to him 💔
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,430 Posts
It's the fact that I was literally with someone else and he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it
Well there you have it. I don't condone a sexless marriage at all but he has good reasons.

I wouldn't touch my wife again if she ****ed another man during a separation. That's a sure fire way to end any relationship and shows the absolute opposite of commitment.

A great rule of thumb is to not **** people you don't want to be with and certainly not **** others when you want your husband back.

You speak about 27 years and 3 kids but that didn't mean a hell of a lot to you when another penis was waving in your face now did it?

I'm being intentionally blunt because you don't seem to realize your lack of commitment to and honoring of your husband while wanting him to give to you what you've shown unwilling to give him.

Why should he show a commitment to you that you have clearly shown, in the most visceral way possible, that you do not reciprocate toward him?

Is he only with you for the kids?

I believe you should call it quits and do what's best for the children in the divorce.

I also think you need therapy and a lot of self reflection.

Regardless of other issues, screwing someone else shows absolute contempt for your marriage and would be a deal breaker for many, maybe most.

You need to own your choices and understand that they have repercussions you might not desire.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,430 Posts
Exactly!!!!! And I say that ball the time ..he says he doesn't really need physical touch ( which is sad ) and like I said he is in therapy we both have childhood trauma
He wasn't sexual before and hasn't shown improvement. It would have been very difficult for you to have a healthy marriage before you started having sex with someone else because he didn't show he wanted to improve and actually do the work necessary for a healthy sex life.

I don't see it getting better now that you've brought someone else to your bed. That has obviously added to the problem and it would be a problem for someone like me as well and I'm very HD.

Why not call it quits?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,430 Posts
Okay, are you ready? It's a lot lol.... We are high school. Sweethearts started off great. Had a children young I'd say probably about 10 years ago when we were in our '30s, things started to not be so great. He's very aggressive, emotionally withdrawn so he was very emotionally abusive in the sense of neglecting me threatening to divorce me all the time. Withholding sex for me. He'

very
Sounds like a peach. Listen, he's not interested enough to improve and having sex with others is always a bad idea even if he was stupid enough to say you could do whatever, you were not smart to bang another guy if you wanted him back.

It's also confusing why you would even want him back besides the high school sweetheart angle but that's why you need therapy because you aren't seeing what the rest of us are.

This isn't a good marriage and hasn't been for a while and it takes two to make it work and he isn't working on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #53 ·
Well there you have it. I don't condone a sexless marriage at all but he has good reasons.

I wouldn't touch my wife again if she ****ed another man during a separation. That's a sure fire way to end any relationship and shows the absolute opposite of commitment.

A great rule of thumb is to not ** people you don't want to be with and certainly not ** others when you want your husband back.

You speak about 27 years and 3 kids but that didn't mean a hell of a lot to you when another penis was waving in your face now did it?

I'm being intentionally blunt because you don't seem to realize your lack of commitment to and honoring of your husband while wanting him to give to you what you've shown unwilling to give him.

Why should he show a commitment to you that you have clearly shown, in the most visceral way possible, that you do not reciprocate toward him?

Is he only with you for the kids?

I believe you should call it quits and do what's best for the children in the divorce.

I also think you need therapy and a lot of self reflection.

Regardless of other issues, screwing someone else shows absolute contempt for your marriage and would be a deal breaker for many, maybe most.

You need to own your choices and understand that they have repercussions you might not desire.
I do understand and I have worked in therapy on why I made those choices and I would never make those choices ever again. I had my reasons and I had a lot of trauma as a childhood. No excuses but I fixed it and I would never make those choices ever again but I understand there's consequences to my choices. I worked really hard to try to fix it and if it's unfixable then I have to understand
He wasn't sexual before and hasn't shown improvement. It would have been very difficult for you to have a healthy marriage before you started having sex with someone else because he didn't show he wanted to improve and actually do the work necessary for a healthy sex life.

I don't see it getting better now that you've brought someone else to your bed. That has obviously added to the problem and it would be a problem for someone like me as well and I'm very HD.

Why not call it quits?
We're both scared to walk away from each other. Lot of love. Lot of history. We want a future. We do want to grow old. We do have a lot of goals that we wanted to be together. We both feel the same way. We're both 50/50 on staying together or walking away. That's very confusing
Sounds like a peach. Listen, he's not interested enough to improve and having sex with others is always a bad idea even if he was stupid enough to say you could do whatever, you were not smart to bang another guy if you wanted him back.

It's also confusing why you would even want him back besides the high school sweetheart angle but that's why you need therapy because you aren't seeing what the rest of us are.

This isn't a good marriage and hasn't been for a while and it takes two to make it work and he isn't working on it.
Yes and I guess that's why I came here...and I'm still in therapy..and I do believe a lot of it might be attachment? So does anyone have advice on that or what we do to start a easy divorce 💔
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,566 Posts
Actually lol that's another fight we have ... He misses like 2 days a week from work so we're always behind because he doesn't work enough
Again. I hate to be the nay sayer because I believe in marriage, but it just doesn't seem like he's much of a prize. It seems more like you've wasted 27 years of your life. Why would you continue?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,566 Posts
I wanted to add this isn't just about the sex to me it seems the whole relationship is slanted to make him happy. He isn't affectionate verbally or physically with you. He does work. Does he like keep the house spotless? What is it that's so great other than time?

BTW. I've always said I could have a sexless marriage and still be happy but that's because my husband is amazing out of the sack. Yours seems like a dud all the way around.

And even though you want to work on it he hasn't really been able to have sex for a year. Maybe he won't be able to fix this? I would try a sex therapist though is you are serious about keeping it together. I've never been to one but a few members here have had a lot of luck with them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #58 ·
Again. I hate to be the nay sayer because I believe in marriage, but it just doesn't seem like he's much of a prize. It seems more like you've wasted 27 years of your life. Why would you continue?
Do you have advice on how we go about getting divorce , can't really afford a lawyer
I wanted to add this isn't just about the sex to me it seems the whole relationship is slanted to make him happy. He isn't affectionate verbally or physically with you. He does work. Does he like keep the house spotless? What is it that's so great other than time?

BTW. I've always said I could have a sexless marriage and still be happy but that's because my husband is amazing out of the sack. Yours seems like a dud all the way around.

And even though you want to work on it he hasn't really been able to have sex for a year. Maybe he won't be able to fix this? I would try a sex therapist though is you are serious about keeping it together. I've never been to one but a few members here have had a lot of luck with them.
A good dad we have fun as a family not the biggest helper around the house but will but I push...I don't know honestly anymore...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,693 Posts
Do you have advice on how we go about getting divorce , can't really afford a lawyer
Would he be open to mediation?
If you can get an agreement in place and a judge confirms what is being agreed to, you don't need a lawyer.
Lawyers are just there to enforce their clients don't get screwed.
In my province, Alberta, they have mediators that can help couples come to an agreement to terms without the services of a lawyer.
The only danger would be if he suddenly backtracked and got a lawyer behind your back and you weren't prepared.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter · #60 ·
Would he be open to mediation?
If you can get an agreement in place and a judge confirms what is being agreed to, you don't need a lawyer.
Lawyers are just there to enforce their clients don't get screwed.
In my province, Alberta, they have mediators that can help couples come to an agreement to terms without the services of a lawyer.
The only danger would be if he suddenly backtracked and got a lawyer behind your back and you weren't prepared.
Yes he would,
 
41 - 60 of 98 Posts
Top