[Anastasia6]

Exactly!!!!! And I say that ball the time ..he says he doesn't really need physical touch ( which is sad ) and like I said he is in therapy we both have childhood trauma

Ok he doesn't need it but apparently you do. So you two need to figure out how to give each other what you both need. what are his needs?

 

[Torres 928]

So you've worked hard in therapy? What about him? He was withholding before this so why was he doing that? What have you two done to work on the marriage. Finances and some random we love each other?

What do you love about him? You say he was abusive and withheld sex. You got to a state that emotionally you were going for someone who simply paid you attention. So does he now pay attention? Is he still using porn as a substitute?
You say he doesn't have ED, how would you know? You do know there are parts of ED that they can use porn and get a hard on but can't with real women. There is also psychological ED as well. Has he done any work with a counselor on this?

So before no sex was killing you but now you love him and you want to stay married.. So there is something missing in your post like the real reason or something significant that happened in the last year or so that made you realize you want him. Or it really is the money. In that case take half and move on.

Yes I have , still have a lot more to do, he has just really started putting in more effort, just couples therapy definitely better communication, and to be honest no he doesn't pay that much more attention ..it's like it just enough to make me feel like he's trying but there's never any more...

I know he doesn't have ED because he still gets hard for me ..he rubbed my t*ts ( he will do little things like that every once in awhile)

And I'm still dying and lonely and want to be with him but the thought of divorce is so scary ..I'm so afraid I'll regret leaving him

 

[Anastasia6]

Yes I have , still have a lot more to do, he has just really started putting in more effort, just couples therapy definitely better communication, and to be honest no he doesn't pay that much more attention ..it's like it just enough to make me feel like he's trying but there's never any more...

I know he doesn't have ED because he still gets hard for me ..he rubbed my t*ts ( he will do little things like that every once in awhile)

And I'm still dying and lonely and want to be with him but the thought of divorce is so scary ..I'm so afraid I'll regret leaving him

And you may regret leaving him. But really he isn't putting in that much attention. It's not like you are describing an incredible husband that just doesn't like sex. You are describing an uncaring husband who is withholding sex.

So are you a Stay at home Mom/Wife. What exactly are you afraid of? There are plenty of men exiting marriages at about this age due to lack of sex.

 

[Torres 928]

And you may regret leaving him. But really he isn't putting in that much attention. It's not like you are describing an incredible husband that just doesn't like sex. You are describing an uncaring husband who is withholding sex.

So are you a Stay at home Mom/Wife. What exactly are you afraid of? There are plenty of men exiting marriages at about this age due to lack of sex.

I'm 45 and I work and have 3 kids ..I don't know scared of all of it , can't afford a lawyer , and our family breaking up

 

[Anastasia6]

I'm 45 and I work and have 3 kids ..I don't know scared of all of it , can't afford a lawyer , and our family breaking up

Well that's a bad reason to stay though. What does he say? Why does he want to stay married?

 

[CatholicDad]

Resentment and porn are a destructive combination for men. Isn’t this behavior at least in the same ballpark as your “stepping out”? Why does he get a pass to step out and you don’t?

 

[oldshirt]

No

There's another part of your answer.

 

[Torres 928]

Well that's a bad reason to stay though. What does he say? Why does he want to stay married?

I know,
Loves me, our family, scared

Well that's a bad reason to stay though. What does he say? Why does he want to stay married?

Thank you for talking with me 💜

Resentment and porn are a destructive combination for men. Isn’t this behavior at least in the same ballpark as your “stepping out”? Why does he get a pass to step out and you don’t?

He doesn't , but he has even said it's not right

 

[oldshirt]

I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!

But people are not always going to move past it just because you've worked hard in therapy and think that things should be ok again.

This is the risk you took when you got down with another dude. I'm sure you heard that guys don't like their wives screwing other men before this happened. I'm sure you heard of couples splitting up over adultery before this happened so I don't think it should come as a big shock to you.

Yes it sad. But it isn't either unusual nor unpredictable.

There's no way he didn't think you pulled a fast one and used a technicality against him. Maybe he "shouldn't" feel that way since you were technically separated at the time. But people's feelings and values don't recognise technicalities. This is not a court of law. Sexual attraction and comfort are not conscious choices. Some bridges that have been burned, cannot be rebuilt.

You gave an honest try, I'll give you that credit. But my credit won't get you the cheapest cup of coffee at Starbucks.

It sounds like he tried too. I do wish you well and hope for the best for you. But you need to understand that some things cannot be fixed because you want them to.

 

[Anastasia6]

I know,
Loves me, our family, scared
Thank you for talking with me 💜
He doesn't , but he has even said it's not right

Ok so far we have he ignored you emotionally and physically. He used porn and wouldn't have sex with you. You had a texting emotional affair (EA). He moved out (sounds like it was a one sided decision) told you that you could do whatever you wanted (probably because he was with a woman at work). You had sex with someone. He moved back home.

So when he moved out were you a part of that decision?
The person you had sex with was it the EA?
Are you sure he wasn't having sex with his partner? he's going to tell you no but that doesn't mean it's no.

How did his moving back a month later work out? This usually indicates he couldn't close the deal with the woman at work or maybe she didn't like his porn no sex habit and dumped him. Did you ask him to come back?

What boundaries have you two set up since moving back in together? Marriage counseling you said. How about Individual counseling? sex therapist? Open phone to each other no secrets? No porn? I'd let him know that until he's having sex with you he needs to cut the porn out. No cam girls either.

Have you been checked for STD's?

So you are both scared of divorce and he doesn't want to have sex with you. Are you now content with no sex? or the level of sex/emotional attention he is paying you? What do you do for him? If physical touch isn't his love language what is and are you trying to put effort in there. Words of affirmation? Acts of service? Gifts?

If I were you... you need to start figuring out what divorce looks like. That doesn't mean you have to go through with the divorce. You do need to know what it looks like so it is less scary. You need to decide if you are ok with what he is providing because from here it doesn't seem like he's providing that much. Also if he can't have sex with you because of your actions during the separation and it's been a year, he may never be able to. Good luck to him finding a virgin to date at 40. You have a job. How are the finances? How does your job compare in pay? Remember you may have to sell the house and buy something smaller. Will he want to split the kids 50/50 custody?

Depending on the size of your house, since you two seem to want to be room mates you could actually divorce and live in the same house for finances at least for a while if you wanted.

My point is where you are doesn't seem sustainable long term. You need to figure out how to move the football toward a fulfilling marriage or toward a separation which would allow you to move toward a fulfilling relationship hopefully.

Is he actually aware or in agreement that where you are right now isn't a good place? Do you want to remain married if it is sexless?

 

[Anastasia6]

But people are not always going to move past it just because you've worked hard in therapy and think that things should be ok again.

This is the risk you took when you got down with another dude. I'm sure you heard that guys don't like their wives screwing other men before this happened. I'm sure you heard of couples splitting up over adultery before this happened so I don't think it should come as a big shock to you.

Yes it sad. But it isn't either unusual nor unpredictable.

There's no way he didn't think you pulled a fast one and used a technicality against him. Maybe he "shouldn't" feel that way since you were technically separated at the time. But people's feelings and values don't recognise technicalities. This is not a court of law. Sexual attraction and comfort are not conscious choices. Some bridges that have been burned, cannot be rebuilt.

You gave an honest try, I'll give you that credit. But my credit won't get you the cheapest cup of coffee at Starbucks.

It sounds like he tried too. I do wish you well and hope for the best for you. But you need to understand that some things cannot be fixed because you want them to.

He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?

 

[Torres 928]

He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?

He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?

I do he that ! Everyone is different

 

[Anastasia6]

I do he that ! Everyone is different

So you said before the separation he was threatening you with divorce all the time. Over what? Why?

Has the threats stopped?
Does you counselor think the marriage is working? (please note some counselors are garbage anyway).

 

[oldshirt]

He literally told her she could do whatever she wanted after HE moved out. How is that a technicality. Also he wasn't ****ing her before that either so where's the tirade about him not providing his husbandly duty?

it's just more water under the bridge and evidence this is probably a lost cause.

Again this is not a court of law. There's no judgement of guilt vs innocence here. This is about people's feelings and attractions and desires and comfort in being with each other and he ain't feeling it for her.

Did he shoot himself in the foot with her? IMHO yes he did. But just because he shoot himself in the foot doesn't mean that he can walk the walk with her.

They both put themselves into this hole. People can argue over who dug deeper but it don't matter because it ain't work'n either way.
It sounds like they have both tried to make it work. But that doesn't change the fact that some things can be broken beyond repair. This may be one of those times.

 

[Torres 928]

So you said before the separation he was threatening you with divorce all the time. Over what? Why?

Has the threats stopped?
Does you counselor think the marriage is working? (please note some counselors are garbage anyway).

Over his bad moods ..he would shut down for no reason be angry , he is better with that now he is on antidepressants

She doesn't think it's working the way it is , but thinks it's worth working on but also knows I've been waiting 3 years basically ..an I love our therapist she's very honest and amazing lol

 

[Anastasia6]

Over his bad moods ..he would shut down for no reason be angry , he is better with that now he is on antidepressants

She doesn't think it's working the way it is , but thinks it's worth working on but also knows I've been waiting 3 years basically ..an I love our therapist she's very honest and amazing lol

So most people do have reasons to be angry. You are either ignoring the reason or unaware.

antidrepssants can cause issues with libido. Has he always been a lousy lover?

does he still threaten divorce?
How long are you willing to go without a loving relationship?

 

[Torres 928]

Ok so far we have he ignored you emotionally and physically. He used porn and wouldn't have sex with you. You had a texting emotional affair (EA). He moved out (sounds like it was a one sided decision) told you that you could do whatever you wanted (probably because he was with a woman at work). You had sex with someone. He moved back home.

So when he moved out were you a part of that decision?
The person you had sex with was it the EA?
Are you sure he wasn't having sex with his partner? he's going to tell you no but that doesn't mean it's no.

How did his moving back a month later work out? This usually indicates he couldn't close the deal with the woman at work or maybe she didn't like his porn no sex habit and dumped him. Did you ask him to come back?

What boundaries have you two set up since moving back in together? Marriage counseling you said. How about Individual counseling? sex therapist? Open phone to each other no secrets? No porn? I'd let him know that until he's having sex with you he needs to cut the porn out. No cam girls either.

Have you been checked for STD's?

So you are both scared of divorce and he doesn't want to have sex with you. Are you now content with no sex? or the level of sex/emotional attention he is paying you? What do you do for him? If physical touch isn't his love language what is and are you trying to put effort in there. Words of affirmation? Acts of service? Gifts?

If I were you... you need to start figuring out what divorce looks like. That doesn't mean you have to go through with the divorce. You do need to know what it looks like so it is less scary. You need to decide if you are ok with what he is providing because from here it doesn't seem like he's providing that much. Also if he can't have sex with you because of your actions during the separation and it's been a year, he may never be able to. Good luck to him finding a virgin to date at 40. You have a job. How are the finances? How does your job compare in pay? Remember you may have to sell the house and buy something smaller. Will he want to split the kids 50/50 custody?

Depending on the size of your house, since you two seem to want to be room mates you could actually divorce and live in the same house for finances at least for a while if you wanted.

My point is where you are doesn't seem sustainable long term. You need to figure out how to move the football toward a fulfilling marriage or toward a separation which would allow you to move toward a fulfilling relationship hopefully.

Is he actually aware or in agreement that where you are right now isn't a good place? Do you want to remain married if it is sexless?

I just saw all this sorry, I'm new to this lol... Yes I've been checked for STDs I 80% believe he didn't have sex with anyone , because of how he is..the 25 year old from work only made out with him when she fought with her boyfriend one night and never did anything again but fluffed his ego .. I have over the last year learned his love language and have done the things to make him feel loved and safe since I did betray him and still nothing and no I'm not happy not having sex I'm very affectionate, sexual and this is killing me , but breaking my family apart because my husband won't f**k me seems terrible.

We have talked about calling it quits and what it would look like , we both agree we want to do it together and make it as easiest as possible ...I feel paralyzed with fear with the thought of divorce..I've been with him since I was 17

 

[CatholicDad]

Why don’t you just ask him to choose between you and the porn? If he chooses you then maybe he can give up his porn devices or block porn on them. Many content filters are available that would do this.

If he’s off porn and not masturbating- I think he’ll suddenly discover he doesn’t give a darn about his old resentments. He might start really wanting actual sex again.

 

[Anastasia6]

I just saw all this sorry, I'm new to this lol... Yes I've been checked for STDs I 80% believe he didn't have sex with anyone , because of how he is..the 25 year old from work only made out with him when she fought with her boyfriend one night and never did anything again but fluffed his ego .. I have over the last year learned his love language and have done the things to make him feel loved and safe since I did betray him and still nothing and no I'm not happy not having sex I'm very affectionate, sexual and this is killing me , but breaking my family apart because my husband won't f**k me seems terrible.

We have talked about calling it quits and what it would look like , we both agree we want to do it together and make it as easiest as possible ...I feel paralyzed with fear with the thought of divorce..I've been with him since I was 17

Well from the outside it doesn't seem like this is only about sex. He doesn't seem all that invested in the relationship Threatening for years to divorce you is also abusive. You obviously are missing a part of who you are. So yes it does seem daunting. But you may also not be able to 'save' it yourself. Is he ok with no sex for 1 year? He apparently is having difficulty with your sexual encounter during the separation.

Again how did he end up moving back in? Whose idea was it and what was the reason given?

 

[Torres 928]

So most people do have reasons to be angry. You are either ignoring the reason or unaware.

antidrepssants can cause issues with libido. Has he always been a lousy lover?

does he still threaten divorce?
How long are you willing to go without a loving relationship?

No not always but never a high sex drive like me ,he's not threatening divorce now it's me .. because he's content now ...he has pretty much everything but I don't...I'm pretty much done but I don't want to give up on us but living like this is making sick

Why don’t you just ask him to choose between you and the porn? If he chooses you then maybe he can give up his porn devices or block porn on them. Many content filters are available that would do this.

If he’s off porn and not masturbating- I think he’ll suddenly discover he doesn’t give a darn about his old resentments. He might start

Well from the outside it doesn't seem like this is only about sex. He doesn't seem all that invested in the relationship Threatening for years to divorce you is also abusive. You obviously are missing a part of who you are. So yes it does seem daunting. But you may also not be able to 'save' it yourself. Is he ok with no sex for 1 year? He apparently is having difficulty with your sexual encounter during the separation.

Again how did he end up moving back in? Whose idea was it and what was the reason given?

Yes I agree and others have said the same, and the therapist has said that too ( threatening divorce is a form of abuse) I don't think I can ..I've been trying and I'm exhausted..
well it was last December but we had talked about it with our therapist a few months prior and slowly worked on on getting back and moving in and it was great for the first few months and I was hopeful and we did try (sex) but he couldn't ( he was hard it was in me but he stopped) and things with him started to slowly go back to the way they used to be.. not entirely but