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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please help!! I need advice!! After my husband and I were separated and living apart I was intimate with someone, he was not , that was 3 years ago , he's been back home for a year and still has not had sex with me, he says he wants to but can't , he loves me , and we are in therapy he has his own therapist as well so now we're talking divorce ( which we both don't want been together 27 years and have 3 kids) or sexless marriage but I'm very sexual he is not, but its not just sex, it's intmacy as well.

* I did step out on him prior to our separation no sex just texting
 

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Does he blame you for starting to move on during your separation? I guess it's no surprise that he didn't since he's not that into sex. Do you think this has to do with that or just the fact that he is not very sexual? Do you think this is an emotional problem or could it be something physical as well?

The good thing is he is at least seeking help.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It's the fact that I was literally with someone else and he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it
 

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he's been back home for a year and still has not had sex with me, he says he wants to but can't , he loves me , and we are in therapy he has his own therapist as well so now we're talking divorce
Step back and look at that from a 30,000 foot view.

While wanting to have sex with you, he just can't for the past year.
He's been to counseling too, so he hasn't just ignored this.
Now, after a year of this, he's talking about divorce even though he doesn't want that due to the children.

Look at where things have headed, look at the trajectory.

He wasn't talking about divorce a year ago. He said he wanted to have sex with you and I'm sure he did and wants to except for this.

Now it's reached the point where he's talking about divorce even though he really doesn't want that.

What are we missing here OP?

When the two of you agreed to separate, what was the cause of that separation?

Who wanted and pushed for the separation? You or him?

When the two of you separated, what were the "rules" the two of you talked about and agreed to?

Were you both allowed to see others? To date others during this separation?

Your post is very light on details. You'll get much better help from the many wonderful people on TAM by providing more info regarding all of this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Step back and look at that from a 30,000 foot view.

While wanting to have sex with you, he just can't for the past year.
He's been to counseling too, so he hasn't just ignored this.
Now, after a year of this, he's talking about divorce even though he doesn't want that due to the children.

Look at where things have headed, look at the trajectory.

He wasn't talking about divorce a year ago. He said he wanted to have sex with you and I'm sure he did and wants to except for this.

Now it's reached the point where he's talking about divorce even though he really doesn't want that.

What are we missing here OP?

When the two of you agreed to separate, what was the cause of that separation?

Who wanted and pushed for the separation? You or him?

When the two of you separated, what were the "rules" the two of you talked about and agreed to?

Were you both allowed to see others? To date others during this separation?

Your post is very light on details. You'll get much better help from the many wonderful people on TAM by providing more info regarding all of this.
Okay, are you ready? It's a lot lol.... We are high school. Sweethearts started off great. Had a children young I'd say probably about 10 years ago when we were in our '30s, things started to not be so great. He's very aggressive, emotionally withdrawn so he was very emotionally abusive in the sense of neglecting me threatening to divorce me all the time. Withholding sex for me. He'

very
Step back and look at that from a 30,000 foot view.

While wanting to have sex with you, he just can't for the past year.
He's been to counseling too, so he hasn't just ignored this.
Now, after a year of this, he's talking about divorce even though he doesn't want that due to the children.

Look at where things have headed, look at the trajectory.

He wasn't talking about divorce a year ago. He said he wanted to have sex with you and I'm sure he did and wants to except for this.

Now it's reached the point where he's talking about divorce even though he really doesn't want that.

What are we missing here OP?

When the two of you agreed to separate, what was the cause of that separation?

Who wanted and pushed for the separation? You or him?

When the two of you separated, what were the "rules" the two of you talked about and agreed to?

Were you both allowed to see others? To date others during this separation?

Your post is very light on details. You'll get much better help from the many wonderful people on TAM by providing more info regarding all of this.
 

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he can't get past the thought , he even did therapy for it
There's your answer.

Like the Carpenters sang in the 70s, some times there's no getting over that rainbow.

Some things can't be fixed.

It sounds like you both have made an honest attempt but some times Humpty Dumpty can't be put back together again even with all the kings horses and all the kings men.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Okay, are you ready? It's a lot lol.... We are high school. Sweethearts started off great. Had a children young I'd say probably about 10 years ago when we were in our '30s, things started to not be so great. He's very aggressive, emotionally withdrawn so he was very emotionally abusive in the sense of neglecting me threatening to divorce me all the time. Withholding sex for me. He he was always very much into p*** more into p*** than and to me. I would go to bed crying, wanting sex from him. Happy weeks or months before he would touch me. I really say can we go to counseling things like that. I beg and beg for help till this was years like this until one day. A guy gave me a little too much attention and I started texting him for six weeks , he found out ...we fought, talked, therapy, thought everything was ok and...then he moved out for like a week came back a month later found out he had a female friend from work that he talked to for 8 hours .so we went through all kinds of petty **** back and fourth then separated again and he moved out and he told me to do whatever I wanted he he was going to to...

very
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
There's your answer.

Like the Carpenters sang in the 70s, some times there's no getting over that rainbow.

Some things can't be fixed.

It sounds like you both have made an honest attempt but some times Humpty Dumpty can't be put back together again even with all the kings horses and all the kings men.
That breaks my heart
 

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So you have *** in your post.

He was withholding sex because he liked what porn too much? couldn't figure out any other p word.

He told you to do as you please. He can't have sex with you.
What is it that make you love him? Why do you want to save the marriage? Why does he? Are you two just both too afraid to separate? Is it finances?

Is he still into whatever the p work was? Porn? Has he worked on that issue? Does he suffer from ED? He may be blaming you but around 50 many men suffer ED and blame the woman because they can't handle it when their **** doesn't work.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
So you have *** in your post.

He was withholding sex because he liked what porn too much? couldn't figure out any other p word.

He told you to do as you please. He can't have sex with you.
What is it that make you love him? Why do you want to save the marriage? Why does he? Are you two just both too afraid to separate? Is it finances?

Is he still into whatever the p work was? Porn? Has he worked on that issue? Does he suffer from ED? He may be blaming you but around 50 many men suffer ED and blame the woman because they can't handle it when their **** doesn't work.
Yes porn , I think there's a lot of truth to that , of being scared and definitely financially, and we do still love each other , 27 years is a long time

I'm sure he still watches his porn.. no he doesn't suffer from ED
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Yes porn , I think there's a lot of truth to that , of being scared and definitely financially, and we do still love each other , 27 years is a long time

I'm sure he still watches his porn.. no he doesn't suffer from ED
I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Sure but he was withholding before as well. So there is a larger issue than just the separation sex.
Exactly!!!!! And I say that ball the time ..he says he doesn't really need physical touch ( which is sad ) and like I said he is in therapy we both have childhood trauma
 

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I just wish he would move past it I worked really hard in therapy and grown and I know we can enjoy the rest of our lives, it's just the sex ...but that's a huge deal!!
So you've worked hard in therapy? What about him? He was withholding before this so why was he doing that? What have you two done to work on the marriage. Finances and some random we love each other?

What do you love about him? You say he was abusive and withheld sex. You got to a state that emotionally you were going for someone who simply paid you attention. So does he now pay attention? Is he still using porn as a substitute?
You say he doesn't have ED, how would you know? You do know there are parts of ED that they can use porn and get a hard on but can't with real women. There is also psychological ED as well. Has he done any work with a counselor on this?

So before no sex was killing you but now you love him and you want to stay married.. So there is something missing in your post like the real reason or something significant that happened in the last year or so that made you realize you want him. Or it really is the money. In that case take half and move on.
 
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