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Fair enough. Though I do believe that to a fair degree, one’s attractiveness and ability to find a new relationship it’s largely within your control. Granted more difficult with age.
I am inclined to agree with this. And I don't think you have to be spectacular to find someone who wants you.
 

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Usually it's not a simple matter. Usually there is something that caused the rift to begin with that made the woman not feel like "making love" to her husband.
I agree there usually is some rift. So what? The options are the same - work to fix the underlying problem and meet the need or allow him to seek it elsewhere (married or otherwise).

I simply don't agree that you owe someone fidelity who is withholding or having duty sex. If I don't like you enough to want sex with you, I won't ask you to stay, act like you owe me (because you don't from a relationship perspective), shame you by saying sex shouldn't matter so much (which is like saying my wants matter more than yours), etc.

I'll just let it go, wish you well, and move on. I know I'll be fine with or without. Maybe it's fear that drives that mindset of demanding fidelity?
 

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There's more than just the husband to consider. That's only a fraction of what matters to a mother. Women don't like to have empty sex with a man that has already done them wrong some way. Yeah I agree most people will be better just to get out. But I've seen both men and women on this forum just say they're not leaving because they don't want to disrupt the family or for financial reasons on both sides. I couldn't live with someone I didn't care about anymore and especially if they didn't care about me unless I had sex even after they had done something to really do the marriage wrong.
 

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Fair enough. Though I do believe that to a fair degree, one’s attractiveness and ability to find a new relationship it’s largely within your control. Granted more difficult with age.
I am inclined to agree with this. And I don't think you have to be spectacular to find someone who wants you.
I have some experience in this area. Being a middle aged divorced woman I have to disagree with you to some degree.

Can people readily find casual sex? Yes. I think plenty of women and men coming out of dead bedrooms are able to find others to scratch their itch. However, trying to find someone to have sex with who you also want to spend time with outside the bedroom is difficult Why? Emotional baggage and responsibilities. We have more of it as we age. There's also the fact that the older we get the less likely we are to want to put up with anyone else's crap.
 

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Discussion Starter #65
I guess that I didn't provide much of a back story because it's long. Yeah I am religious and also introverted beta. Got married to the only girl I had sex with. I stayed this long because of my kid and religious reasons. Her mom divorced her dad and moved to another state with the kids and I figured she would do the same to me somehow. My house I inherited and I am a 3rd generation owner, I don't want to lose it. The "less than 7 times a year" frequency was going on for almost all of the marriage, since the mid 1990's. Tragedies such as losing a child came and went so I was trying to be understanding. I was also young and naïve. I tried to just put up with the situation.

About 12 years ago I got prescribed meds to calm my anxiety. Sex was on my mind 24/7 and since I was a dad that went to my kids events I was around a lot of soccer moms. Hot lonely soccer moms that tempted me and whos offers I turned down. I hated myself for turning them down and hated myself for finding the offers so appealing.

4 years ago I went sideways and had a nervous breakdown and at that time I know that many other years had already come and gone without sex. Because of my mental state the past few years I have trouble remembering how long if's been. But yeah I do remember every major thing we bought because I would think "yeah new carpet getting laid and I am not". I lost my job and became agoraphobic. Recently I had another health scare. I ended up stopping all medications related to mental health and slowly I have become much more stronger both mentally and physically. OMG my sex drive has also come back. I feel like a horny teen-ager. I realized that if I get over my current health crises that life is too short for all this drama. I have a lot of work to do yet to become an person that is appealing. My lack of experience at my age is intimidating. Sex with my wife was boring with the lights turned off duty sex most of the times.

She came from an unstable family. My guess is that she is comfortable as long as she has a roof over her head but is afraid of true intimacy. But really so many excuses over the years. One augment many years ago she actually said "if sex is so important to you why don't you go out and screw somebody?" She is the one that actually came up with the idea "as an insult to me" but later told everybody that the idea was mine. When I brought it up later she made it perfectly clear I was not to do so. I just found it odd how according to her sex is insignificant but yet it's forbidden.

Posting this question made me realize one of my faults relating to my mental health. My need to know answers and the ways I always tried to search for them. Why why why was always running through my head. I suppose the reason why does not matter. I have thrown away so many years already. I just got to keep improving myself.
 

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Posting this question made me realize one of my faults relating to my mental health. My need to know answers and the ways I always tried to search for them. Why why why was always running through my head. I suppose the reason why does not matter. I have thrown away so many years already. I just got to keep improving myself.
Don't downplay your wife's role in all of this. It's very easy to think it's all your fault. It's an easy way to find acceptance, to blame yourself. Relationships are very complex. I'm telling you this because I'm doing the same, and it's not healthy on the long run.
 

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Got married to the only girl I had sex with....
...Sex with my wife was boring with the lights turned off duty sex most of the times.
"Boring" is a word that is used to compare two things. So sex with your wife is boring compared to what?

You could buy some military-grade-night-vision headgear you know! It is not like she will see you wearing it. You can tell her you don't like having your face touched. Just say'n.
 

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Discussion Starter #68
"Boring" is a word that is used to compare two things. So sex with your wife is boring compared to what?

You could buy some military-grade-night-vision headgear you know! It is not like she will see you wearing it. You can tell her you don't like having your face touched. Just say'n.
boring
(ˈbɔːrɪŋ)
adj
dull; repetitious; uninteresting
ˈboringly adv

I know that I don't have the best grammar but I thought the description is spot on?
 

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Discussion Starter #70
If you stayed for religious reasons what does your religion say about adultery?
Obviously adultery is bad. We all sin knowingly, all sin is bad. Adultery is another sin along with premarital sex. (so far I have not committed adultery but I did the other) I don't think this marriage is God honoring already for all the other broken vows. Are two people living separate lives in the same house really married at this point? It's not what I wanted or intended to do that's for sure. God hates sin and I hate this situation too.
 

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Obviously adultery is bad. We all sin knowingly, all sin is bad. Adultery is another sin along with premarital sex. (so far I have not committed adultery but I did the other) I don't think this marriage is God honoring already for all the other broken vows. Are two people living separate lives in the same house really married at this point? It's not what I wanted or intended to do that's for sure. God hates sin and I hate this situation too.
Well then it seems you are in a pickle unless you can reconcile things with your God.
 

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Obviously adultery is bad. We all sin knowingly, all sin is bad. Adultery is another sin along with premarital sex. (so far I have not committed adultery but I did the other) I don't think this marriage is God honoring already for all the other broken vows. Are two people living separate lives in the same house really married at this point? It's not what I wanted or intended to do that's for sure. God hates sin and I hate this situation too.
Just ending sex is a good reason to end the marriage unless she has no choice, which it appears she does.
 

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I think you solved your own problem with this statement "The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new."

I think if you have fun with someone and get along with them. If you have more good days than bad, seek counseling. If not tell her kick rock.
 

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I’ve heard a few stories of people having breakdowns and becoming agoraphobic and they all have one thing in common - a spouse that’s got double standards and a cold heart.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.

To answer your question why does she care? The better question is why doesn’t she care about you.

She doesn’t want you, but doesn’t want anyone else to want you. She’s the star of the show in her own strange, eccentric movie.
 

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boring
(ˈbɔːrɪŋ)
adj
dull; repetitious; uninteresting
ˈboringly adv

I know that I don't have the best grammar but I thought the description is spot on?
My point was that you could take responsibility to make things more exciting. With the lights turned off allows for a tremendous amount of creative possibilities. You could wear a harness and attach one of those ground effect kits that people would normally use to light up underneath their cars, but instead attach a bunch of LED lighting effects to light up and ornament your junk. Combine that with some 500 watt subwoofers under the bed and drop the beat when you dive in.

I mean if you had this subwoofer setup and secretly hidden underneath you bed and surprised your wife, would it still be boring:

 
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