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I would walk away from my considerable assets if necessary if my spouse refused sex. Such a refusal is a breach of marriage vows, just as going outside of the marriage for sex is a breach.
Easy to say, less easy to accomplish.

Having considerable assets helps at that dividing point.

Many are not so lucky.
 

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Now to address your actual question. The most simple and concise answer is she has all the power.

The second you get with someone that actually wants to be with you and has genuine desire for you, she looses all her power and control over you.

She knows that your affections and attentions and ultimately your resources and money and support and provisioning and security etc will shift to the other person.

Right now she has you right where she wants you. She gets all the benefits of marriage and having a man around to buy new furniture sets every few years and that unclogs toilets and kills spiders and brings home $$$, but she doesn't have to do anything and doesn't have to put up with any of that icky sex stuff...... at least not with you.

When she says it's not important, she means it is not important to HER because she is not attracted to you and does not desire you.

However, she knows fully well that it is important to YOU and that if someone else was providing that to you, that you would soon be moving on with that person(s) and as the Eagles said in the song "Already Gone" "But let me tell you I got some news for you, and you'll soon find out it's true, and then you'll have to eat your lunch all by yourself."

So no, it's in her best interests to keep you captive in the dead marriage.... and I have to say she has played it masterfully. She dangled the carrot like a zen master. You have been on the string like the perfect puppet.

At the moment you value your money, furniture and 24/7 access to your children more than your own sexuality and well being. That may or may not change in time.

If you value your property, financial accounts and status quo more than your sexuality and happiness, you will remain in your sexless state.

The day that you value your own happiness and sexuality more than the new furniture, you will walk.
 

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He doesn't want to give his wife half of the house, etc... that's why he doesn't divorce her. And they have a kid. It's easier to stay and find himself a "girlfriend"...
Yeah it's easier until that blows up and she finds out, is not willing to put up with it. Then he still risks losing half, and losing face as well because he cheated on her. That's his kids Mom he/she ain't going to care about the state of the marriage. He/She is not gonna be like thanks for cheating on my Mom so you can stay with me.

That's a pretty stupid life strategy, good luck with that.

Now if he can open up the marriage and be honest that is a different thing. Even if the potential is to end it, it may fix it, or she may just go for it. Either way that is a healthy way to deal with this. Honesty is the best way to move forward.
 

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I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything.
Wow, you've really got her fooled. Instead of her getting half of everything, you are getting all of nothing. You need to write a book Dawg. Title it, "How to started with zero and quadruple it in a year"
 

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Does she work? If no, why?

It makes sense if you divorced you'd each get half of the marital assets. Right now, even married, you only technically own half. That's called joint ownership.
 

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I would walk away from my considerable assets if necessary if my spouse refused sex. Such a refusal is a breach of marriage vows, just as going outside of the marriage for sex is a breach.
Really? What vow did you and your spouse take to refusing sex is a breach of?
 

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You don't remember the "one flesh" part?
Even with the "traditional" vows, I don't ever remember hearing one that said anything along the lines of "do you promise to be of one flesh, providing for each other's sexual needs?" No matter I I reword any actual vow, I can't recall any to match that idea. Which is why I asked. I want to know what different vows you took.

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I'm a believer in divorce not cheating. If you want to know how your wife feels about you staying married but having sex with other people, ask her. Maybe that will spur her to address the problems.
 

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Even with the "traditional" vows, I don't ever remember hearing one that said anything along the lines of "do you promise to be of one flesh, providing for each other's sexual needs?" No matter I I reword any actual vow, I can't recall any to match that idea. Which is why I asked. I want to know what different vows you took.
The concept of one flesh is from the Christian Bible. See Genesis 2:24. We're a Christian couple, and we subscribe to that tenet. Here's a pretty good explanation:

"Two becoming one in the sexual aspect of marriage means caring for and fulfilling one another’s physical needs with respect and mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:1–5), not exploiting one another (1 Thessalonians 4:3–7), and delighting in one another (Proverbs 5:15–19; Ecclesiastes 9:9). God’s design for physical intimacy in marriage is portrayed with beauty and dignity in the Song of Solomon."

 

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The concept of one flesh is from the Christian Bible. See Genesis 2:24. We're a Christian couple, and we subscribe to that tenet. Here's a pretty good explanation:

"Two becoming one in the sexual aspect of marriage means caring for and fulfilling one another’s physical needs with respect and mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:1–5), not exploiting one another (1 Thessalonians 4:3–7), and delighting in one another (Proverbs 5:15–19; Ecclesiastes 9:9). God’s design for physical intimacy in marriage is portrayed with beauty and dignity in the Song of Solomon."

Granted. I am aware of the concept. What I wasn't aware of is where in the vows does one promise this? There is a difference between doing something because it is expected and doing it because you vowed to.

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Granted. I am aware of the concept. What I wasn't aware of is where in the vows does one promise this? There is a difference between doing something because it is expected and doing it because you vowed to.
We may be arguing semantics. Marriage is a package. There's a lot more to commitment than just the few items listed in the very short marriage vows. I've never considered marriage vows to be a case of expressio unius est exclusio alterius. If I'm mistaken, we're going to have to add a LONG list of new things to vows, including, "You agree not to spend more than ___ hours per day on your cell phones..." and such.
 

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The concept of one flesh is from the Christian Bible. See Genesis 2:24. We're a Christian couple, and we subscribe to that tenet. Here's a pretty good explanation:

"Two becoming one in the sexual aspect of marriage means caring for and fulfilling one another’s physical needs with respect and mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:1–5), not exploiting one another (1 Thessalonians 4:3–7), and delighting in one another (Proverbs 5:15–19; Ecclesiastes 9:9). God’s design for physical intimacy in marriage is portrayed with beauty and dignity in the Song of Solomon."

Nowhere is OP's post did it say he had a Christian wedding; that they subscribed to the one flesh tenant, and that that was a factor in why his wife would object, so why are you quoting and reminding him of one flesh?
 

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The concept of one flesh is from the Christian Bible. See Genesis 2:24. We're a Christian couple, and we subscribe to that tenet. Here's a pretty good explanation:

"Two becoming one in the sexual aspect of marriage means caring for and fulfilling one another’s physical needs with respect and mutual consent (1 Corinthians 7:1–5), not exploiting one another (1 Thessalonians 4:3–7), and delighting in one another (Proverbs 5:15–19; Ecclesiastes 9:9). God’s design for physical intimacy in marriage is portrayed with beauty and dignity in the Song of Solomon."

I'm on the same page. I've also witnessed, and been approving of, marriages being ended because one person decided sex wasn't on the menu.
 

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I don't really know that anyone needs a reason to leave a marriage. As I have mentioned before, my ex left as she said I didn't make enough money. I have a male friend who left a marriage as the wife decided she didn't want children. And a guy I know left because his wife turned off the sex part after 20 years.

Not sure you really need a reason whether its religious based or not.
 

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I don't really know that anyone needs a reason to leave a marriage. As I have mentioned before, my ex left as she said I didn't make enough money. I have a male friend who left a marriage as the wife decided she didn't want children. And a guy I know left because his wife turned off the sex part after 20 years.

Not sure you really need a reason whether its religious based or not.
You don't unless you are religious.

One poster started a play on semantics with another.
 

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Hi everybody, not sure if I should post this here or in new member intro. For those stuck in sexless marriages or if you refused sex in the past.... I was just curious why a refuser cares if you seek sex outside of marriage. I was told many times by my wife that "sex is not important". If it's not why be angry if I try to get some elsewhere?

When I talk that I am in a sexless marriage it's been 6 to 10 years since the last time I had sex with my wife. (I don't know because I stopped counting the years) But yeah, the living room furniture was replace twice since the last time now that I am thinking about it lol. At this point I don't even consider this a marriage as all attempts to correct this have failed. She moved out into another room years ago but wont get her own place.

Here is the kicker though she does not even want to talk about sex or work on this problem, she has made that clear. At this point I don't want to have sex with her as she used sex as a dangling carrot to get what she wants. The relationship is a mutual "what ever just live your life we are basically two people that happen to sleep in the same house" except we have a kid. I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything. But seriously at this point we live different lives and I don't get why she would get upset if I found someone new. The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new. What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
Because sex isn't all marriage is about! Sex is only a fraction of what marriage is about.
 
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