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Hi everybody, not sure if I should post this here or in new member intro. For those stuck in sexless marriages or if you refused sex in the past.... I was just curious why a refuser cares if you seek sex outside of marriage. I was told many times by my wife that "sex is not important". If it's not why be angry if I try to get some elsewhere?

When I talk that I am in a sexless marriage it's been 6 to 10 years since the last time I had sex with my wife. (I don't know because I stopped counting the years) But yeah, the living room furniture was replace twice since the last time now that I am thinking about it lol. At this point I don't even consider this a marriage as all attempts to correct this have failed. She moved out into another room years ago but wont get her own place.

Here is the kicker though she does not even want to talk about sex or work on this problem, she has made that clear. At this point I don't want to have sex with her as she used sex as a dangling carrot to get what she wants. The relationship is a mutual "what ever just live your life we are basically two people that happen to sleep in the same house" except we have a kid. I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything. But seriously at this point we live different lives and I don't get why she would get upset if I found someone new. The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new. What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
 

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would you play a game in which the game was stacked against you or would you walk away? I want you think about your marriage as a game (aka game theory), that may sound harsh but bear with me for a minute. your wife is your opponent her goal is to have as much control as possible, she is clearly has started off slowly very slowly weening sex from you over time, then moved to another room, and now controls even your actions outside of the marriage. Now think about your actions and reactions you have done at every one of her moves. complained, got angry frustrated but never once leaving the table, never once cheating....you can now see the that the ONLY for this game to end is either you walk away from this marriage or she dies (crude but truthful). The only way for this game to change now is your next move, she is betting you will not move, because of past behavior. You want her to change but she will not (no incentive to change), and she is ready to call you a cheater and divorce you if you go outside for sex. what you may want to consider is what she wants and needs and if you can control any of that? perhaps for example if you are the main bread winner is to control the flow of money...or control other aspects, this may not change her mind on sex but it give you negotiation tactics, but you my friend are playing with an empty hand, against the house.
 

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Hi everybody, not sure if I should post this here or in new member intro. For those stuck in sexless marriages or if you refused sex in the past.... I was just curious why a refuser cares if you seek sex outside of marriage. I was told many times by my wife that "sex is not important". If it's not why be angry if I try to get some elsewhere?

When I talk that I am in a sexless marriage it's been 6 to 10 years since the last time I had sex with my wife. (I don't know because I stopped counting the years) But yeah, the living room furniture was replace twice since the last time now that I am thinking about it lol. At this point I don't even consider this a marriage as all attempts to correct this have failed. She moved out into another room years ago but wont get her own place.

Here is the kicker though she does not even want to talk about sex or work on this problem, she has made that clear. At this point I don't want to have sex with her as she used sex as a dangling carrot to get what she wants. The relationship is a mutual "what ever just live your life we are basically two people that happen to sleep in the same house" except we have a kid. I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything. But seriously at this point we live different lives and I don't get why she would get upset if I found someone new. The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new. What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
You have showed her this is fine with you as you have stayed. Live your life to the fullest and be happy = loose half your stuff and share custody of your kid. You're going to say you prefer seeing you kid every day but what are you teaching your kid? That it is normal for a married couple to be in a platonic relationship, that will be their frame of reference for normal, in your mind is that going to lead them to a happy life? You are not doing yourself or your child any favors staying in this marriage.

Why does your wife not wanting you getting sex outside of marriage even though she won't have sex with you? Because you have proven to be too weak to do anything about it. You're lying in the bed you made. As many seem to do.
 

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Hi everybody, not sure if I should post this here or in new member intro. For those stuck in sexless marriages or if you refused sex in the past.... I was just curious why a refuser cares if you seek sex outside of marriage. I was told many times by my wife that "sex is not important". If it's not why be angry if I try to get some elsewhere?

When I talk that I am in a sexless marriage it's been 6 to 10 years since the last time I had sex with my wife. (I don't know because I stopped counting the years) But yeah, the living room furniture was replace twice since the last time now that I am thinking about it lol. At this point I don't even consider this a marriage as all attempts to correct this have failed. She moved out into another room years ago but wont get her own place.

Here is the kicker though she does not even want to talk about sex or work on this problem, she has made that clear. At this point I don't want to have sex with her as she used sex as a dangling carrot to get what she wants. The relationship is a mutual "what ever just live your life we are basically two people that happen to sleep in the same house" except we have a kid. I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything. But seriously at this point we live different lives and I don't get why she would get upset if I found someone new. The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new. What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
You are never going to figure it out, why try. Just divorce and move on.
 

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After this many years of putting up with it you deserve whatever misery you live in. Your a puppet on a string and the only thing in your pants she wants is your wallet.

Why should she change? Your obviously not going to do anything about it.

She just knows how to play the game better. Women know how to play the long game better than men most of the time..... at least with dudes that don’t respect themselves that is.

The wolf cares not what the sheep wants.
 

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Relationships are dynamic. Just when you think you've been clear about offering only NSA sex to someone, that person may accuse you of leading them on. You yourself may want to expand the relationship with your FB. Your wife knows these things are possible and has wisely prevented you from doing it.

when you are married and faithful, there is nothing wrong with requiring a sex life with that person. It does mean that you will have to divorce and start again.
 

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Hi everybody, not sure if I should post this here or in new member intro. For those stuck in sexless marriages or if you refused sex in the past.... I was just curious why a refuser cares if you seek sex outside of marriage. I was told many times by my wife that "sex is not important". If it's not why be angry if I try to get some elsewhere?

When I talk that I am in a sexless marriage it's been 6 to 10 years since the last time I had sex with my wife. (I don't know because I stopped counting the years) But yeah, the living room furniture was replace twice since the last time now that I am thinking about it lol. At this point I don't even consider this a marriage as all attempts to correct this have failed. She moved out into another room years ago but wont get her own place.

Here is the kicker though she does not even want to talk about sex or work on this problem, she has made that clear. At this point I don't want to have sex with her as she used sex as a dangling carrot to get what she wants. The relationship is a mutual "what ever just live your life we are basically two people that happen to sleep in the same house" except we have a kid. I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything. But seriously at this point we live different lives and I don't get why she would get upset if I found someone new. The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new. What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. Take a day and time to have a sit down with her or go somewhere peaceful where the two of you can be alone to have a real discussion like the beach or the park etc. Tell her your concerns and come from a place of love. Ask her what’s been going on in her mind and what’s she’s been thinking about. Ask her what can you do to help her and ask her if she’s happy. Some people hold out on sex because they feel resentment towards their spouse. Maybe there is someone else? Maybe she has depression? Your child is observing your day to day behavior and he or she needs to have 2 parents who can function and are happy. I say make a list of what you want to discuss and truly listen to what she has to say.
 

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You are never going to figure it out, why try. Just divorce and move on.
Move on to what? It will be more of the same. 6-10 years of marriage without intimacy doesn't happen without cooperation of both parties. If you can tolerate 6-10 years of a sexless marriage, do you go a year or two in the next relationship, thinking you haven't given it enough time?

As far as whether the partner guarding their loins would or wouldn't mind if you sought sex elsewhere, I think that varies. Some spouses can completely separate sex from everything else in the marriage, and believe that "their" marriage is wonderful. No real issues.
 

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OP, you're not stupid. You know your choices are very limited. A) you stay in your current scenario and you remain in a sexless, affectionless, "roommate" type marriage; B) you break your vows and have an extramarital affair, live a second "secret life" and pray she never finds out; C) you sit her down and explain that this was not what you signed up for and that if it does not change, you will divorce her and move on with somebody else who will actually love you and have a thriving sexual relationship with you. And you ARE NOT a bad guy for wanting and saying as much!

I can assure you that she is not stupid either and she knows that what she is doing is not only not fair, but cruel. If your staying in this static situation is purely out of fear of her getting half of everything, including 50% custody, then you better stock up on lube and porn. Your life is passing you by. If Mrs. Rushwater treated me this way, I would sit her down and tell her flat out "I love you and want to have a sexual relationship with you. If that is not possible, I WILL DIVORCE YOU and go find someone who will share that with me and you can live the remainder of your life as a nun". A healthy sex life is vital to a loving, strong, vibrant and lengthy marriage. Unless, she became impotent from an old war wound, there is no viable excuse. But you have to have the courage to call her out on it. And I affirm what others have said preceding me: Your children are watching. Do you want them to suffer the same consequences as you? Because, without even realizing it, you are imprinting on their psyche that your situation is all normal and the standard for all marriages. Good luck, my friend!
 

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Hi everybody, not sure if I should post this here or in new member intro. For those stuck in sexless marriages or if you refused sex in the past.... I was just curious why a refuser cares if you seek sex outside of marriage. I was told many times by my wife that "sex is not important". If it's not why be angry if I try to get some elsewhere?

When I talk that I am in a sexless marriage it's been 6 to 10 years since the last time I had sex with my wife. (I don't know because I stopped counting the years) But yeah, the living room furniture was replace twice since the last time now that I am thinking about it lol. At this point I don't even consider this a marriage as all attempts to correct this have failed. She moved out into another room years ago but wont get her own place.

Here is the kicker though she does not even want to talk about sex or work on this problem, she has made that clear. At this point I don't want to have sex with her as she used sex as a dangling carrot to get what she wants. The relationship is a mutual "what ever just live your life we are basically two people that happen to sleep in the same house" except we have a kid. I know though if I found a girlfriend that she would finally divorce me and probably get half of everything. But seriously at this point we live different lives and I don't get why she would get upset if I found someone new. The only thing I could think of is fear that I would force her out of the house if I fell for someone new. What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
At this point I would say to get a divorce lawyer and start the ball rolling. Find out what you need to do to not get shafted. You've gone this long so you can wait a while longer till your lawyer tells you that you are at a point when you can start seeing other people again.
 

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There is not much to say here. What your spouse is doing to you is cruel. You have gone this long, resist the temptation to cheat as that only makes you culpable. Don't give her that satisfaction. Get an attorney and move toward finding a healthy relationship and leave her to her own misery.
 

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This would have been a good question to ask 6-10 years ago. After this long of a sexless marriage, there’s nothing to save here.

Normally I’m an advocate of fixing yourself and going from there. Becoming a better, more attractive man with options- and then seeing if your wife comes around (they often do), and then decide if you still want her.
But in your case, after 6-10 years without sex, just divorce now and work on yourself for the next year. The kind of man who tolerates a sexless marriage for this long needs a lot of work.
 

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You are never going to figure it out, why try. Just divorce and move on.
He doesn't want to give his wife half of the house, etc... that's why he doesn't divorce her. And they have a kid. It's easier to stay and find himself a "girlfriend"...
 

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OP, you're operating on the premise that she would be upset if you got a girlfriend. Maybe, she wouldn't be. She might prefer that over a divorce.

At some point, you WILL be losing half of your assets. So get used to the idea. The longer you are married to her, the less time you have to recoup those assets by concentrating on building back your wealth. In some states, the longer the marriage - the bigger the alimony. Consult an attorney and start doing some math.
 

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You blame it all on her....

She laid out her cards, no goodbye bluff on your part was given.
She laid her body in another room, untouched by any man.

You folded your cards, did nothing.

Do something, divorce.

Then get a full time new lady to sleep comfortably next to you and caress her to your hearts content.
 

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What are your thoughts? I know this is so dysfunctional and trust me when I say that I never wanted to be that married guy looking outside of marriage.
If you don't want to be the guy looking outside the marriage, then don't be. Get a divorce and leave your dysfunctional marriage with some dignity.

You now hold the high ground; assuming the reason for the sexlessness is not due to anything you've done to hurt the marriage (abuse, infidelity). If you cheat, and are found out, you become the bad guy regardless of the reasons.

You need to make the choice to continue to live in your current state or free yourself to the possibility of finding a woman that meets your relationship needs.
 

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I think the better question is why do YOU care if you find someone else?

You're the one that has been suffering from being in a sexless relationship for multiple years. So why are YOU caring what she thinks???

Think about that.
 
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