[indiecat]

I'm currently separated. H had an affair, then a heart attack, then became verbally abusive (depressed and on a lot of sedatives). We have 2 kids at home.
I feel compelled to reconcile due to his health, the changes he is trying to make, and the kids. He's off the sedatives and we are doing intensive MC, he's very dedicated to it.
He's always had almost no sex drive. Since the heart attack and the new meds. he has none, I mean none, zero. Plus he is impotent.
My question is........if I go back....what can I do about the sex life? He's willing to try Viagra, that is how desperate he is to reconcile, and with his bad heart it could kill him. He has no interest in sex, it would only be to keep me. And that is a real turn off when someone is not into it.
At times I have a silly idea that if I could find a FWB on the side I could keep my family and my sanity. As H has no interest in sex sometimes this fantasy seems appealing.
What to do?
We are almost 2 months apart and being a part time mum is so damn hard.
I'm at a loss of what the hell to do with my life.
His affair really hurt me, btw he couldn't perform with her either, and the heart attack killed what little was there to begin with.

 

[3Xnocharm]

The question to ask is, can you deal with having no sex with your husband should you reconcile? Thats really a tough one. I would think that it would take a very strong, close relationship for that to work. If your husband is agreeable to you having a FWB, then I suppose it may be possible. I had an aunt and uncle who had this arrangement after she came to the decision she never wanted sex again. They stayed together til death, and he got his physical needs met elsewhere. I think people that can deal with that arrangement are very rare. ED drugs can be really dangerous for men with heart problems, too. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but only you can answer this one.

 

[Chelle D]

There are other medicines besides viagra that are safer on the heart to try. (Plus, I don't think a doctor will prescribe viagra to someone who recently had a heart attack.)

How do you know he couldn't preform with the affair?? just because he told you?

Don't cheat. Even an emotional affair. I'ts just not worth it.

Either decide to work things out. Agree to disagree about sexual functions in the marraige. Have an agreement that he still performs sexual acts on you.. that that is part of the reconciliation.

Or decide to split & get divorce. But wait until at least 6months after divorce final before you try to find a sex mate. So what have you go to lose?

 

[indiecat]

The doctor gave him Viagra knowing his heart history. He gave him the maximum dose!
He claims that during the affair it didn't go to intercourse. But who really knows? He'll admit to ejaculating on her stomach, apparently because she was a Christian they didn't 'do it' the whole way. That was before the heart attack, I doubt they did anything after, his heart attack was very severe.
I feel like I have to chose my kids or a sex life. And actually I do.

It is not at all fulfilling to have someone give you pleasure when you can't give them any pleasure. It makes a woman feel damn odd. I can relate to the guys whose wives just lie there and say 'take me'. It's like eating a meal in front of someone who can't eat, it just sucks.
thanks for your input!

 

[foozlemonster]

That is a tough one. My wife will give me the sympathy lay sometimes... What a waste of time. You just have to think of what could happen if you're caught. The damage could be worse than just a divorce. At the same time, and I know I'll be ridiculed for this one, trying it once may be what you need. It'll let you figure out whether you're ready to leave, or you're committed to stay. Either way, that's the decision you have to make.
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[indiecat]

Thanks, how do you cope?

 

[foozlemonster]

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[hubbyfetish]

The doctor gave him Viagra knowing his heart history. He gave him the maximum dose!
He claims that during the affair it didn't go to intercourse. But who really knows? He'll admit to ejaculating on her stomach, apparently because she was a Christian they didn't 'do it' the whole way. That was before the heart attack, I doubt they did anything after, his heart attack was very severe.
I feel like I have to chose my kids or a sex life. And actually I do.

It is not at all fulfilling to have someone give you pleasure when you can't give them any pleasure. It makes a woman feel damn odd. I can relate to the guys whose wives just lie there and say 'take me'. It's like eating a meal in front of someone who can't eat, it just sucks.
thanks for your input!

I think it might be past time to find a different doctor, maybe one that specializes in this area.

Apparently because "she is Christian" - well, would her being Christian have prevented her from getting into the affair to begin with?

You have to choose your children over sex-life. No you do not, you do not have to stay in a marriage for the sake of the kids. Your marriage will have a lasting impact on them. They will grow up to belief that what they see...that is what it is supposed to be like - because that is how it was with mom and dad.

FWB, not a good idea. I am sure that he will find out and that may be all that it takes for him to decide to call it quits. Then he can use that against you.

Since he is open to viagra, I would think that he would be willing to see a specialist that deals in this area and as a couple you two along with the doctor can develope a plan for his problem.

I agree that the sympathy lay is not a good thing, and I think the heavens above that I never had to get that. I am one lucky man when it comes to wife and her sexual needs/desires.

 

[indiecat]

Yes, her being a Christian was the height of hypocrisy.
Yes FWB is not a good idea, it's a fantasy, but the reality is that people get emotionally involved I suppose. It's tempting but not the right thing, but so darn tempting to want to feel like a woman again.
He has no desire, and hasn't for many years. But being on TAM has shown me that this is pretty common for men and women.
He wants the marriage to work so badly, I almost could say so badly that he would blame any FWB on himself, not me.
He is ashamed of his lack of desire, he always has been. One of the reasons I left this year was because I told him point blank that I could not hack the SM anymore. He just said he has no needs that way. He has agreed to get his T tested. But with all the other heart meds he's on I would feel selfish for him to go on more drugs.
thanks for your replies