Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Porn has been a big issue in my married life. So many fights it lead to. It is hard to live with someone who portrays to be one person, but deep inside is someone else, and off course you only get to know this with time and living together.

We have been married for almost 12 years, sex was never great, it was always ok. I used to think we made love, but he says we f***. Around our second year of marriage, i walked on him chatting with another women online, those live camera deals where he was asking what color her pubic hair was, I was so mad i thought i was going to explode. I was out on an interview for a job, he was supposed to be searching for jobs and that is what he was doing instead. He doesn't consider that cheating, but for me is pretty borderline. It goes beyond looking at photos or videos.

I will save all the stories about how many times i caught him with porn, i never caught him again on an online chat, but that doesn't mean that he stopped that behavior either. I just haven't caught him again.

One of our last biggest fight i said i wanted to leave him and that is when he decided he was an addict and that he needed help. Part of me was relieved he arrive at that conclusion by himself, i never thought of him as an addict, just a selfish person on the matter. He went for meetings for a year and then decided to quit, said that the religious part was getting on the way because he is not a religious person. Said he got from the meetings what he needed and that he was good.

He continues to deny he does it, but i know he is. Caught him setting his iPad not to track his browsing and that would be the only reason he would need to do that. I confronted him and now he could not deny it. What made me even look for it, was the fact he hasn't looked for sex for over 2 months, i had to initiate at one point in between that time and i almost had to trap him in the shower. Meaning, surprise him. He went with the flow, we had to finish outside of the shower because he just doesn't like that.

The truth is, now his addiction is starting to get in the way of our sex life, which was never great and now it is just horrible. I have tried join in the porn with him, but when he decided he was an addict, he claimed to have throw all his porn away and told me to get rid of the movies we used to watch together, which by the way i did that for him, to try to be part of his world.

He says having sex with me is too much effort because i am not ready right away. I need to be touched and kissed and he thinks taking 5 minutes to do that is too much effort.

I am starting to feel very lonely, undesirable. I need intimacy. He doesn't like to be touched, so he doesn't touch me either, that is also the case for cuddling. My dogs gets more petting in a day that i get in a year.

I had thoughts of taking pictures of myself naked with a mask to hide my identity and see what other man might think of me, i am sure there is someone out there that would find me attractive, but that would be desperation and me trying to get back at him, after all if he can look at other women, why other man cannot look at his? But i don't think that bringing myself to his level would help anything, but it is starting to cross my mind.

I had to get this out. It hurts to keep all of this inside. To have no one to talk to. I don't see the point to being married to someone that doesn't want to cuddle, doesn't want to have any intimacy or even sex. It is not like we have kids that are holding me back. I can't imagine life without him, but i also cannot imagine life with him this way.

I know this is a common issue here. a lot of women will stay because of kids or because they depend financially of their husband, but that is not my case.

Sorry for the long post.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Can't sleep. After reading from another post here I checked out the website "Your Brian on porn" and it is making me realize that there is no way my husband would be able to do the steps necessary to Get better. He told me that he wants to quit for me, but for him he doesn't, and if there is one thing about an addict is that they have to want to quit in other to work. All the thoughts in my head about going through a divorce is making me anxious. I feel I can't breath.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
355 Posts
Addiction recovery does not culminate into a "check the box" moment...
I attended the meetings...check...I read the books...check..now I'm recovered.

Recovery is a lifestyle change. He needs to understand for himself why he's choosing these unhealthy behaviors at the expense of his marriage...and at the expense of himself (as often there is a huge shame reaction to his choices).

For you Luluzinha- you need to determine what you can or cannot accept. Your husband then has the opportunity to choose whether your needs and marriage are more important than his addiction...

You need to be willing to enforce your boundaries, which could result in separation or divorce... Learn to focus on yourself and creating healthy behaviors for you...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
My husband is a sex addict, which is what porn addicts truly are, if they're being honest with themselves. He's attended meetings for 3 1/2 years. The fact your husband dropped out shows he is not in recovery. There are at least five different organizations that hold 12 step groups for sex addicts. If he didn't like one he should try another. And different meetings within the same organization are run in different ways.

I suggest you tell him to find a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) or you will divorce him, because this problem will never go away if he doesn't get the help he needs.

Sex Addiction Therapist Directory, Find a Sex Addiction Therapist
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I suggest you tell him to find a certified sex addiction therapist (CSAT) or you will divorce him, because this problem will never go away if he doesn't get the help he needs.

Sex Addiction Therapist Directory, Find a Sex Addiction Therapist
Thanks Hope1964, he actually got to this point by himself again, as far as looking for a CSAT. I wonder if that will be just another temporary distraction like the meetings. He had the initiative, but after a while dropped.
Also, the difference between the meetings and the CSAT is that the meetings were free, but CSAT is $150 for an hour and if he is just going to go to distract me with the fact that he is trying, now he will be burdening us financially with no intention to get better.
We haven't heard from the CSAT yet, and I will be curious if my husband will find the issue with religion again like he did with he meetings/12 step.
I actually just called the CSAT to see if he got the initial inquiry my husband sent during the weekend.
I found a few different CSATs but my husband didn't like any of them because of the connection with religion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
I posted something yesterday but it said it needed to be reviewed by a moderator. Not sure why, maybe because i quoted someone?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
@Hope1964, I just want to say I read your story and I cried so much, I can't imagine going through all you did. You are a strong person. Hope all is going well now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,243 Posts
Things are going really well for us right now :) but it's because of him, not so much because of me. If things were like they are with you I wouldn't be with him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Hi Lulizinha

I can totally relate to your story. I can't really much advice, i'm newely married, having previously been in a long-distant relationship with my husband (then boyfriend). We moved in together, officially, after marriage 1 1/2 year ago and i've just discovered the same traits with my husband.

In addition to the porn, he spends money reckless on booze followed by payday loan debts. Saturday morning's (only sex time) usually consist of me waking to dry painful sex after he's read erotic literature (so as to not wake me?). I'd say in the last year we haven't "made love" becuase he insists on asking me to talk dirty, probe, tie him up and do naughty things, instead of us enjoying a supposed pleasurable moment. He's even asked me to sleep with other men etc- not going to happen. Also not into kissing and affection. Takes ages to ejaculate, quicker when wanking- wanks 4-5 times a day with porn. I recently purchased some lubricant (colleague advice), this may come handy for you too. Porn does mess with his mind, and i'm yet to summon the courage to tell him i'm not his porn star-wife.

Good luck with your agenda anyway, and i'll keep reading similar posts on search of a resolve. x
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top