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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I've been reading a lot of the threads here on sexless marriages. I have been "researching" as much as I can on how to fix my own sex life, as it is pretty sexless as well. However, I am the one who has "low" drive, while my husband has high drive.

It wasn't always this way. I used to eat, breath, and dream sex. I used to go down on my man, do all sorts of positions, try new things, we had a great sex life! I was pretty uninhibited, and really enjoyed all we did together.

We have been married for 12 years and for the past several years especially, it has been pretty sexless. I have gained weight, which I have been unable to lose despite all the dieting, supplements, and exercise I have attempted. I even went down to one small salad a day JUST to see if I could drop anything, and the scale has not budged. This of course, is a huge blow to me as I see so many of my friends think about losing weight and drop it like it's nothing.

The ONLY way I can even have sex with my husband is if I imagine myself as anyone else but me. If I am myself to myself, I'm a dead fish...NO amount of sweetness, foreplay, or sweet talking is going to get me in the mood. I tense up, stiffen, and just grow distant and cold.

My husband HAS cheated on me in the past. We tried for a year after to work it out, then separated for a year because I couldn't handle it. We then got back together after a year of separation and have been working on things since. We have had counseling, and he really goes out of his way to make me feel like I am wanted and loved. He helps around the house, tells me I'm beautiful, tries to cuddle with me as much as possible, etc. He knew how much I wanted to live in the country so he moved us to five acres, and we are even raising chickens.

I know he feels rejected and like he doesn't please me (he tells me this) because I'm never in the mood for sex. No amount of me telling him that isn't the case helps, of course, for obvious reasons.

When we do have sex, it's pretty much missionary only. I feel to disgusting, ugly, and undeserving to do anything else.

The truth is, I'm never in the mood because I can't see how he could want to be with me when I'm overweight. Because I can't stand it and all my attempts to change that have failed. (Currently getting tests run at the dr's office and going to a weight loss class to get help.)

Buying nice clothes to help me "feel better" about myself is not an option. I'm short and fat so options are limited. In fact, clothes shopping is an emotional battering ram for me and I just wind up in tears. Top that off with being financially stretched and clothes become a low priority.

I also have fibromyalgia that I am currenlty "not" being treated for. I had given up ALL my meds a couple of years ago in hopes that the weight would drop.

Thinking really hard over my situation I have come up with a few conclusions:

1. I can't help but think he has to pretend I'm someone else since I have to do it myself.

2. I do not feel good enough, pretty enough, right for him.

3. I'd rather have sex "by myself" as I'm imagining I'm someone else so I can't disappoint.

Now, it does not help that my husband admitted to me that he never should have married me and had kids with me. I was not "his type" at all. Now he says that even though I wasn't his type before, I am now. (WTF? To me that sounds like he just doesn't want to be divorced and taken to the cleaners.)

I just read so much about how if the marriage is "sexless" the withholding spouse must be cheating so "show him/her the door. Truth is, it could be the spouse has low self esteem/confidence issues like me. Perhaps they have physical pain they do not wish to verbally complain about. Maybe they don't feel good enough. Maybe an event occured that has given them a mental block.

All I can share is my situation in hope it gives someone a different view of what could be going on.

I'm working on improving myself and trying to tear down these mental blocks I have so our marriage and sex life can improve. I have been to individual counseling with sevearl therapists over the years to try and "fix myself." I read self help books. I bought new makeup, got a new hair cut...I'm really trying. But so far, I'm not improving at all. I do not feel any better, more comfortable, or more receptive.
 

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Sounds to me like your husband doesn't deserve you. He has cheated on you AND told you he shouldn't have married you??? WTF?? It is no wonder you struggle.

Personally I think you deserve kudos for at least trying. I am still not sure if my marriage is technically "sexless" but my wife isn't even trying... :(
 

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Thanks for your post. Very insightful and always great to hear from someon who is low/no drive. Gives us all food for thought.

A couple of points I'd like to make regarding your post.

1. His affair- Did the low/no sex drive appear before or after this? Aslo, have you truly found peace with this situation? If not, it's something you'll need to do in order to move on effectively.

2. As you said, you have some mental blocks. One thing that may help is asking yourself if you trust your husband to never lie to you. In my relationship, I never lie, not even to sugar coat something. If my fiancee asks if some outfit makes her butt look big, and her butt looks big in it, I'll tell her "it makes your butt look big." In my opinion, if you can't handle the truth, don't ask the question.

If you trust your husband to not lie to you (something hard to do considering the affair), then you should trust him if he says you are attractive. Considering you don't seem to want sex with him anyways, if he really found you unattractive he'd just not bother asking for sex in the first place. Why get rejected by someone you don't really want sex with anyways if you don't have to? He likely does want you very much.

3. For a man to want sex with his wife, it's also not all about sex. Rather, it's also about intimacy and a physical bond with his wife. Think of it like getting a hug from your husband when you need one. It feels good and leaves you feeling loved and cared for. Now imagine if your husband said "I don't feel in the mood to give you a hug today. I'm tired and I think if you hug me you'l feel my fat rolls so I'd rather not hug you." Do you really give a crap above his love handles, or are you more concerned with the fact you need closeness with your partner and he's denying it and shutting you out?

4. While your husband shouldn't have said "you're not my type" (unless you asked, in which case, as I said before, don't ask unless you can handle the truth), it's very possible for one person to grow to make another their type. That's what love can do. Thing is, you must be at least somewhat his type anyways, or why would he have wanted you before love came into the picture?

You need to stop beating yourself up about this and focus on the positives. Unless many spouses who are low/no drive, you are trying to improve the situation. Kudos to you and way to go. But loathing in a mudhole of self-pity isn't going to work in your favor. Relax, regroup and keep trying. And listen objectively to what your husband has to say. You're already decoding what he's saying instead of listening to what he's saying and taking it at face value.

I wish you well on your journey and I hope you keep us updated on your efforts and your successes. God bless.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
My low/no drive happened after the affair. After that, I couldn't stand him to touch me at all. It made me ill. For years the thought of kissing him only made me think of where his lips were and totally grossed me out.

Do I trust him not to lie to me? Sadly, no. There have been multiple instances where he has lied to me about another woman. It's not been a one time event.

I expect the truth when I ask. That does NOT mean it doesn't hurt, or cause injury.

In the past, when I have told him I wanted a divorce and to leave because that way he can be with someoen else, he gets really upset and tells me how much he loves and wants only me. How he doesn't want to lose me and the kids.

I look at him sometimes and just feel how much I love him, and how sad it makes me that I can't be the sexual partner he wants. It's not a "choice." I just want to let you know that for me, I'm not with holding sex for punishment or anything like that. My mental blocks make it so I "can't" relax and drop my guard.

It is incredibly difficult. He does all the right things but I'm my walls are so high, I just can't ground myself.



Sounds to me like your husband doesn't deserve you. He has cheated on you AND told you he shouldn't have married you??? WTF?? It is no wonder you struggle.

Personally I think you deserve kudos for at least trying. I am still not sure if my marriage is technically "sexless" but my wife isn't even trying... :(
My husband would probably say the same thing, that I'm not trying. He has no idea all the reading I've done about getting myself more into sex, how to lose weight, better my self esteem.
 

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You are an amazing person, you see you have an issue and here you are talking about it and trying to work on it. For that alone you get 5 stars from me.

*****

If my wife was anything like you I would be so happy!
 

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My low/no drive happened after the affair. After that, I couldn't stand him to touch me at all. It made me ill. For years the thought of kissing him only made me think of where his lips were and totally grossed me out.

Do I trust him not to lie to me? Sadly, no. There have been multiple instances where he has lied to me about another woman. It's not been a one time event.

I expect the truth when I ask. That does NOT mean it doesn't hurt, or cause injury.

In the past, when I have told him I wanted a divorce and to leave because that way he can be with someoen else, he gets really upset and tells me how much he loves and wants only me. How he doesn't want to lose me and the kids.

I look at him sometimes and just feel how much I love him, and how sad it makes me that I can't be the sexual partner he wants. It's not a "choice." I just want to let you know that for me, I'm not with holding sex for punishment or anything like that. My mental blocks make it so I "can't" relax and drop my guard.

It is incredibly difficult. He does all the right things but I'm my walls are so high, I just can't ground myself.





My husband would probably say the same thing, that I'm not trying. He has no idea all the reading I've done about getting myself more into sex, how to lose weight, better my self esteem.
Now we are only hearing your side here, and I hate to judge based on just one side, but from what you've explained it sounds like your husband has the work to do more so than you.

He has helped build those walls, he needs to help tear them down. If he says you're not trying, politely ask him how he has come to that conclusion. Have a list prepared of all the different things you've tried (such as dropping your meds to lose weight, weight loss programs, coming on this forum, etc.) and read that list to him, then ask him what else you should try because you are more than willing to try it (unless there is something you won't do, be clear on that).

Get him involved and make him help you.

I'd suggest a simple sit down discussion. Make it clear from the top this isn't an argument, you just want to explain your side clearly and in a non-combative way. I'd assume most of the time this issue has arisen it's been in either a fight or out of sadness. Bring it up in a more formal, collected sense and just talk about it like adults.

I sense you are still very hurt and hostile regarding the affair(s?). And you rightfully should be. While you acknowledge you must eventually move past these affairs in order for your marriage to work, you don't appear to be there yet. Explain this to him, but also explain you want to move past it and you want him there with you to do it. Point out that this is still a sore spot without giving him the guilt trip again.

Is therapy or counselling out of the question for you or for the both of you? If not, go to it. If he won't go, go by yourself.

Finally, one piece of advice I'd give is to not say things which won't move you towards your goal, such as saying you want a divorce. I don't know if you say that now, but saying things like that won't help. Hold words like that back until you not only mean them, but are ready to act on them.

Have you thought about having your husband read this thread and chime in as well? He may get a little flak regarding his affair, but for the most part people here really want to help and it is a good sounding board for ideas for your marriage.
 

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This is why cheating is a dealbreaker for me. Despite being thin I'm still waaaaaayyyyy too insecure to ever recover from a betrayal such as that. And then to add insult to injury he's stated he shouldn't have married you??? WTH?

A woman's sex organ is in her brain not her body. Your husband says all the right things NOW but his harsh words have not been undone yet....not even close.

I too give you 5 stars for trying. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't feel very sexy either and it would have nothing to do with my dress size.
 

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You sound like an ideal wife and wish mine was more like you.

You are not the issue and are just fine the way you are.

You shouldn't have to be doing all the reading and changing. He did the deed, not you. He should be bending over backwards, begging for forgiveness and doing whatever to earn your love and trust again.

Totally understandable, low to no sex drive after he cheated on you.

Why would a guy cheat on a hot wife with a healthy sex drive???? I don't understand.......
 

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I think perhaps you should work with someone on your self esteem. You say money is tight. Perhaps a work group insurance plan would cover the cost.

My suspicion is underneath it all you are disgusted by your husbands betrayal. You feel no affection towards him as understandably when he gets close all you can think about is where his mouth has been. For some reason you've turned this lack of arousal around and are blaming yourself for it.

Losing weight it a tricky thing. For some it comes off easily while others struggle. Generally you want to consume enough nutrition to keep yourself healthy while sparking your metabolism through exercise.

The key with diet is to consume low calorie high nutrition foods. Do some research or consult a nutritionist to help identify what those foods are. Generally the less refining the healthier the food. Vegetables, whole grains, lean meats etc. If you simply cut back consumption you're setting yourself up to succumb to cravings as your body looks to obtain missing nutrients. What you want to do is fill yourself up with healthy food so you're not craving the junk.

For exercise pick something you enjoy. You're more likely to stick with it if it's fun. Some like to exercise alone while others prefer to join groups for extra motivation.
 

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I'm sure you are hot, but just don't think so.

I've learned about a way to lose unwanted weight and it works. Free too.

Intermittent Fasting. No food, only water for 16 hrs, then eat all your normal daily calories in the remaining 8 hrs. Your body starts consuming its unwanted weight, spikes HGH, grows muscles and BF% drops. Weights and cardio at home so no serious money needed. My 2 cents. Once you find out how many calories you need to gain or lose weight, it's easy from that point.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I'm not the only one working on the marriage right now. My husband is really working to sweep me off my feet.

I am currently working on myself and trying to better my self esteem. It isn't easy, and I have been to counseling for it quite a lot actually. Several counselors and I'm still not better.

My husband has been doing a lot to improve how I'm feeling about myself as well. However, I have a really hard time accepting compliments and think they are not really meant.

I will be trying the advice given to see if it helps, especially in regards to the weight loss.

I am far from perfect. My house isn't spotless, and I can't get a job to save my life. Not even an interview! But I started homeschooling both kids this year so I'm busy with that. I have plenty of room for improvement, and so want to be so much better than I am.
 

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It's admirable that you want to improve yourself. I sense that a boost in confidence would change many of the dynamics you're experiencing for the better.

Best wishes!
 

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Are you absolutely positive that your sexlessness happened after the affair? Not blaming you but his perspective may be different.
 

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I'm sure you are hot, but just don't think so.

I've learned about a way to lose unwanted weight and it works. Free too.

Intermittent Fasting. No food, only water for 16 hrs, then eat all your normal daily calories in the remaining 8 hrs. Your body starts consuming its unwanted weight, spikes HGH, grows muscles and BF% drops. Weights and cardio at home so no serious money needed. My 2 cents. Once you find out how many calories you need to gain or lose weight, it's easy from that point.
Does this work for your wife?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Sinnister, from what I remember, yes. Maybe he has a different perspective. I was pregnant when it happened. Trying to get him to post his side.
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My situation is basically the exact same,, only she uses the excuse that she doesn't want to have sex with kids in the house, and we have 3 kids and they are always in the house,,so I just tell her that is nothing but an excuse,, We have also separated and gotten back together and nothing has changed
 

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We should be able to close the door to our bedroom and lock it and have a normal emotional and physical relationship,, I shouldn't have to spend tons of money on a hotel room when I am paying for a complete roof over our heads already,, No all of our parents are gone,, the marriage should work in the home,, period,, If she would give just a smidgen of the effort that I give we would at least have relations once a year,, but she doesn't and it drags on for years and years, and It isn't a healthy environment for our kids which is why I moved out the first time,,
 

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We should be able to close the door to our bedroom and lock it and have a normal emotional and physical relationship,, I shouldn't have to spend tons of money on a hotel room when I am paying for a complete roof over our heads already,, No all of our parents are gone,, the marriage should work in the home,, period,, If she would give just a smidgen of the effort that I give we would at least have relations once a year,, but she doesn't and it drags on for years and years, and It isn't a healthy environment for our kids which is why I moved out the first time,,
I agree. A relaxing weekend away should be about getting away to relax, not about hoping to finally get laid.

Besides, it's unrelaistic and impractical to expect someone to get out of the house each time they want sex. Sex should be an expression of love in a marriage, and shouldn't require you to book holidays, make arrangements for babysitting, etc. It's sex in a marriage, not a job.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
You are right, but sometimes life is so mundane and a change can be just what is needed to jump start things. Quality time away from the ordinary.
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