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I’m not miserable just lonely in the Lover department

Love my house and kids etc. Love my wife but I guess deep down she don’t love me that’s why she not giving me answers
It sounds like you're miserable from, the screen I am looking at. And yes you may love your wife and your kids, but you're correct she doesn't love you or doe not know how to love you. Which is worse?

Knowing that you will never be the man that she can love or being used that she can keep appearances up? There's not much you can do about this. But continue to take all the responsibility of her happiness. Life isn't that simple.
 

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Discussion Starter #22
Just going over chat I had with her in my head. He never answered the question how she feels and never said I love you. Which I told her I did love her.

So I need to ask her again
 

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Blah, blah, blah... that's all you do. Talk too much and complain. You are starting to sound like a nagging child. No wonder your wife just sits there and let you nag. She knows you won't do anything other than to complain while no having the balls to do anything.

She already told you that you two are not compatible. She gave you the ILYBINILWY, and what do you do? Just doing the same old, nagging and complaining.

You know how long I gave my ex wife after she didn't want to have sex with me? Three months and I was out, and divorce her. You have been going for like 6 years? That's pathetic. That means that you do not have self respect, self worth and dignity. You are lacking the balls to do what's the obvious in this situations: End the relationship, because I got news for you: SHE WON'T CHANGE. SHE WON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU EVER. Most likely she's repulsed by you; everytime you approach her, she most wince in anticipation.

You only have one life to live, and my friend is a short one. Get out now while you can; otherwise, just shut up and accept that this is your life for the rest of it.
 

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No I’m not scared but don’t want to upset my children.
Do not use your children as your excuse to be weak.


No affair happening on her part. I know that for sure.
I bet you're wrong. She is either planning one, in one, or just ended one.

I am worried I won’t find someone else tbh. Wouldn’t want to jump straight into another relationship or would I? At the end of the day I guess I’m complaining that I want a lover and my wife stopped being one quite sometime a go.
I wouldn’t use a lawyer etc we are good enough friends to sort it between us.
Again sir, you are wrong. Your wife is a bitter shrew and even though she probably wants a divorce, she will be out for blood.

But she hasn’t actually answered how she feels so I guess I need to ask again
This is passive and weak. Who gives a damn how she feels? She doesnt respect you or your marriage. Stop asking her how she feels, she is making it very obvious how she feels.

File for divorce! Dont be one of these weak men who sticks around being a doormat for the rest of your life.
 

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Billy,

While you say she has never had an affair, you also say she might not like men.

Was she sexually abused as a child?

Did she have enthusiastic sex with previous partners and were any of them women?

Does she have a female friend who she spends alot of time with, possibly a quiet long term affair which provides the intimacy she dosen't want from you?

Does she have a work husband who provides the same quiet and hidden intimacy?

Is she capable of orgasm?
 

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Discussion Starter #26
No im the only person she has ever been with as we met at school. She hasnt been abused but always found sex dirty.

She gets close to orgasm But then i have to stop. But been long time since had the chance.
She always home with the children unless out running or at work.
 

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She come close then you have to stop? Is it because of the time involved or what do you think she stops? Maybe she does have a O, is satisfied then and just stops could it be this. It was said earlier. Planning one, ending one, or in one.
 

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So I need to ask her again
She already answered the question. Her "not answering" IS the answer. You are nothing more than an object to her. An object which provides her with a comfortable life and pays the bills for her.

I had a GF like this early in my life. By the utter grace of God, I didn't marry her. I would have lived in a loveless, sexless existence while she enjoyed the conveniences my hard-earned money bought her.

Friend, the life you are now living......that's the one which will continue as long as you stay. Get a good, knowledgeable, aggressive lawyer. I can guarantee this woman will go after you like a piranha.
 

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Discussion Starter #29
I dont know. Just very awkward and u comfortable now in that department so will have to make a decision
 

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I understand when you have children it not high priority but My son is now 5 and half now and I feel soo lonely and want a lover not just a best friend and great mum.
THIS is 100% wrong. To me, your wife and you are the PRIMARY relationship -- the kids, while important, are NOT your #1 priority. Let's face it, your kids will grow up, move on to THEIR life, and then what are you left with if you and your wife are not #1? SHE needs to realize this.
VERY sorry you are going through this.
 

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No im the only person she has ever been with as we met at school. She hasnt been abused but always found sex dirty.

She gets close to orgasm But then i have to stop. But been long time since had the chance.
She always home with the children unless out running or at work.
OK, the usual questions, which you may have already answered in the other thread-

#1: Was there a spark, a real connection, that brought the two of you together?
#2: Sounds like you're the only guy she's been with? Was her first experience with you negative? Did she agree to sex that time, was she looking forward to it, does she look back at it and possibly feel regret, etc? Is it possible sex was a big disappointment to her and she was never able to get past that?

Actually, I think I asked a few variations on the usual theme. :)

The refusal to go to counseling is a really big issue. If there's a line to be drawn in the sand, that's where I would likely put it. Counseling would be a requirement, as well as a psychological work-up to make sure she's not depressed.

Things kind of feel shame-driven. She got there somehow. Might there be a clue in how she got there, that could help to fix things? Or am I just projecting hope from my own situation?
 

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Discussion Starter #33
It was such a long time ago and we were young so i cant really remember. I will try get her to counselling and go from there.
Ill tell her that its not working for me as it is so we need to come to a decision
 

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Just going over chat I had with her in my head. He never answered the question how she feels and never said I love you. Which I told her I did love her.



So I need to ask her again
No, you don't.

This is akin to asking her to lie to you...in order to make you feel better.

You pursuing her for sex is EXACTLY the same thing.

You don't need to ask her. You KNOW.

You are just too scared to actually do something about it.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Remember, you can't fix her, she has to decide to fix herself.

You can only create a situation that encourages her to take that step.

Demand counseling. If she doesn't go, file.

Life is too short for this. You are wasting time.

There are billions of women out there, why stay with one that makes you feel like this.

Take control of your future.
 

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Discussion Starter #36
Yeh I know.
Life’s hard but I will do something about it.
It’s her birthday Sunday so I’ll wait until next week
 

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You sound like a clone of my marriage ( divorced 10 years now)
Go ahead and draw hard lines and stick to them.
We tried counseling, therapists, etc. nothing worked.
My x wife finally ended up abusing prescription drugs and I kicked her out after putting up with it for 20 years. Just wish I had done it sooner.
 

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In reading through your thread here and it looks like you had another one running at a prior time, I don't get the feeling that she's cheating. Idk why, I just don't. I get the feeling that she's comfortable, with the house, you and the kids...and she sees you as a roomie, now. She knows you won't leave her, so she has all the control. She sounds controlling, not allowing herself to orgasm sounds like she doesn't want to let herself go and enjoy sex. That's controlling, over herself and over you in a way, because you aren't able to ''give'' her pleasure, either. Maybe somewhere along the way, she learned that sex is a bad thing.

But, you are unhappy and she needs to know that. You didn't get married to have a roommate to pay bills and raise kids with. You want intimacy. I think the word intimacy is better to use than sex, because sometimes, I think men come across as just wanting sex in general, and not necessarily wanting it with their partner. I get the feeling you actually want intimacy and sex with HER.

I hope things get better for you both. Life's too short to be unhappy.
 

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It was such a long time ago and we were young so i cant really remember. I will try get her to counselling and go from there.
Ill tell her that its not working for me as it is so we need to come to a decision
If you can't even remember the good times, what brought you together, what it took to work through tough spots when it seemed worthwhile doing so... then you've got a real problem. Without memories how can you have much hope? How do you know what to hope for? Best-case scenario would be, if you knew what you know (now) about this woman, if she knew what she knows (now) about you, and you met for the first time today, would you fall in love? Would you get married?

This is interesting. I'll bet a huge number of long-married couples, knowing everything they do about each other, would have trouble staying married if they couldn't remember the good times, and have some (often false?) hope that some of that is still there. And even if not, the memories can sustain things a bit. The flip side is for those who are better off forgetting the past because it wasn't so good?

Go through old photos and try to find the good stuff in your partner. And in yourself. See if that does anything for you.
 

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In reading through your thread here and it looks like you had another one running at a prior time, I don't get the feeling that she's cheating. Idk why, I just don't. I get the feeling that she's comfortable, with the house, you and the kids...and she sees you as a roomie, now. She knows you won't leave her, so she has all the control. She sounds controlling, not allowing herself to orgasm sounds like she doesn't want to let herself go and enjoy sex. That's controlling, over herself and over you in a way, because you aren't able to ''give'' her pleasure, either. Maybe somewhere along the way, she learned that sex is a bad thing.

But, you are unhappy and she needs to know that. You didn't get married to have a roommate to pay bills and raise kids with. You want intimacy. I think the word intimacy is better to use than sex, because sometimes, I think men come across as just wanting sex in general, and not necessarily wanting it with their partner. I get the feeling you actually want intimacy and sex with HER.

I hope things get better for you both. Life's too short to be unhappy.
Nothing changes the perceived power distribution in a relationship like "I'm not happy with our sex life, and that means I'm either going to start having sex with someone else and you're going to choose to be OK with it, or we're going to divorce and then I start having sex with someone else and you're going to have to be ok with it. Or, you know, you could pull your weight in this relationship and prioritize our sex life."

Given this:

She is my best friend and we get on well
She has been better with money last few years so that’s not the problem. She is physically fit as she now runs a lot like myself.
She has no interest in my hobbies. I’ve taken up piano last couple years. Thought she might like that but to no avail.
But as lovers is a big fat 0 and if I hadn’t of said anything she would of just carried on as we were. She not bothered having a lover but doesn’t want to give up her nice house etc which is at stake. Obviously.
I'd say it's a fairly straightforward thing to say. Either opening the marriage or divorcing solves his problem.

She's comfortable. He's not. He wants her to change, and she has no reason to do so. So you have to put the shoe on the other foot, and force a difficult decision. And be fine with having a very difficult conversation.
 
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