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Discussion Starter #1
To cut a long story short.
My wife always been hard work in bedroom department but since my youngest been born she won’t even touch me. And if I touch her she just oozes negativity. Her body language tells me she hates it but just puts up with bare minimum to shut me up.
I don’t want sex for the hell of it I want intimacy. 50/50. I feel atm that I rather stay away from her because her rejection makes me feel soo bad.
She doesn’t like me using my hands and sex toys are a big no no.

I understand when you have children it not high priority but My son is now 5 and half now and I feel soo lonely and want a lover not just a best friend and great mum.

I would say it’s just getting worse. I spoken to her about it and she ses she doesn’t think she can ever satisfy me in that department. But not really given a reason. She also said she never thinks about sex etc . I’ve asked her if it’s me but no responce.
She just tries to avoid the subject.

Am I wrong to say I miss being intermite and want a lover?
 

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I've read you are other thread... nothing has changed, has it? To me, it sounds she's gone off the whole marriage... she is bored and she says you are not compatible, which is a nice way of saying she doesn't love you anymore... sorry, but your next step should be marriage counselling... she needs to be honest with you, instead of fobbing you off with silly excuses.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
No like I’ve said it’s got worse then better. Always lived in hope it would get better.

I feel selfish for having to talk to her about it and keep asking myself am I wrong to want sex if she doesn’t.
I wma5 her to be my lover but basically she sees she can’t I guess..

I’ve suggested counselling and her response was well if we have to do that then we’re beyond help.
She was more angry at me for holding affection from her over last 6months saying that I’m punishing her for no intimacy. Which I responded I was doing it to make me feel better as u make me feel like **** if I come near you but it didn’t work as I feel lonely so I’ve had to say something.
 

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No like I’ve said it’s got worse then better. Always lived in hope it would get better.

I feel selfish for having to talk to her about it and keep asking myself am I wrong to want sex if she doesn’t.
I wma5 her to be my lover but basically she sees she can’t I guess..

I’ve suggested counselling and her response was well if we have to do that then we’re beyond help.
She was more angry at me for holding affection from her over last 6months saying that I’m punishing her for no intimacy. Which I responded I was doing it to make me feel better as u make me feel like **** if I come near you but it didn’t work as I feel lonely so I’ve had to say something.

I've been there... so I understand. You move away to protect yourself and she complains you are not giving her the emotional support she needs. But she can't give you your language of love, which is emotional connection and intimacy through sex. This is why I recommend marriage counselling. It's not matter of being beyond help... explain to her she needs to understand what you want and your language of love. Don't feel guilty, it's normal to be wanting a relationship on all levels with your wife, but I believe she is immensely frustrated because she can't give you what you want and she is suffering too...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
That’s good to know I’m not being unreasonable

I’ll try again for counselling but I know she won’t do it .

Her last response to that was I’m not going to a counsellor so looks like you have some decisions to make
 

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I remember you old thread (I haven't re-read as tldr, so correct me if wrong) ... it dissolved into accusations of a likely affair on her GNOs or work. I assumed you checked and continue to check, but that never seemed most likely to me.

You have 3 kids, right? When did the marriage become sexless (less than 10x per year, say)? Clearly after the youngest (5 years), but are you a decade or more into this nightmare?

Is she still talking abusively and belittling you over trivial nonsense? She tells you that she's bored of you, always chatting on her phone, watches her shows, refuses you intimacy, irresponsible with money, GNOs, etc. and she refuses to do MC ... this ain't no healthy marriage and most importantly is a disaster for your children and their long-term growth. She has all the power and hates it, have you tried to address this imbalance?

So no, you are not "wrong to say I miss being intimate and want a lover" .... but how much are you prepared to lose to reconcile this relationship?

I'd suggest an ultimatum, but you have to risk losing it all, and mean it. Calmly suggest that without an improvement in the relationship and a halt to the verbal, financial, emotional and sexual abuse, you will have to consider your future within the relationship.

If nothing after a few weeks, you'll need to bring out some big guns. For full drama and effect, maybe giver option A or option B:
- A: here is a list of marriage counselors, she can choose one and make an appointment soon
or
- B: here are the divorce papers, please get a lawyer and we can resolve this amicably
 

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- A: here is a list of marriage counselors, she can choose one and make an appointment soon
or
- B: here are the divorce papers, please get a lawyer and we can resolve this amicably

She's checked out... in my experience, it will be B. She is even hinting at divorce by saying "so looks like you have some decisions to make"...

I hope I'm wrong.
 

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There is nothing wrong with wanting your spouse to be intimate with you. In fact, it is a positive way to feel. Intimacy in a marriage is vital to the relationship's strength and stability. I'm sorry that you feel guilty for wanting to be in a loving and intimate relationship with your wife. It is unfortunate that she is making you feel sad and lonely, and it's not a good sign for your future with one another

If she believes MC means that your marriage is too far gone, had she given you any clues as to what might help? Your marriage will not survive in it's current state, unfortunately. If you were okay with being denied intimacy it might work. Although, why would you want it to?

You aren't complaining about no sex, but instead are feeling the loss of intimacy. (There is a difference. A profound one actually). It is only a matter of time, if it's not already happening, that you will resent her. Unless something changes, the negativity will only build. Something needs to change. You can decide how to proceed.

Do you want to continue feeling this way in your relationship? You might consider IC to help you figure out how best to realize what you want/need from your wife and marriage. IC can help you learn how to communicate your needs to your wife, and others. If she continues to ignore how you feel, and what you need, the there isn't much you can do to salvage your marriage. She seems to be making an active decision to destroy her family unit because she won't put in the effort to keep it alive. How tragic. Not only do you deserve more, but so do your children.

Don't wait 20+ years to be happy. You only live once. Try not to live a life that is lonely, and filled with regrets.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Yes I have 3 lovely children.
She hasn’t cheated ever. Don’t think she really likes men tbh.

She is my best friend and we get on well
She has been better with money last few years so that’s not the problem. She is physically fit as she now runs a lot like myself.
She has no interest in my hobbies. I’ve taken up piano last couple years. Thought she might like that but to no avail.
But as lovers is a big fat 0 and if I hadn’t of said anything she would of just carried on as we were. She not bothered having a lover but doesn’t want to give up her nice house etc which is at stake. Obviously.

She not said anything last few days so I guess I need to bring it up again.
I guess I’ll say something like we need to decide how we can resolve this and move on
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Oh and she not as verbal as she was since I had a big go about it but I do get daily lectures about house stuff
 

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You aren't complaining about no sex, but instead are feeling the loss of intimacy. (There is a difference. A profound one actually).
Of course there is, but to his wife, there isn't... I left my wife for the lack of intimacy but all she could say was that I left her for sex... she laughed at me when I said it wasn't just for sex... I think some women get it, some don't... and we are only pigs thinking about one thing... :laugh:
 

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Yes I have 3 lovely children.
She hasn’t cheated ever. Don’t think she really likes men tbh.

She is my best friend and we get on well
She has been better with money last few years so that’s not the problem. She is physically fit as she now runs a lot like myself.
She has no interest in my hobbies. I’ve taken up piano last couple years. Thought she might like that but to no avail.
But as lovers is a big fat 0 and if I hadn’t of said anything she would of just carried on as we were. She not bothered having a lover but doesn’t want to give up her nice house etc which is at stake. Obviously.

She not said anything last few days so I guess I need to bring it up again.
I guess I’ll say something like we need to decide how we can resolve this and move on
My friend, the bolded sentences above tell a tale and forecast your future.

1. She hasn't let on that she's taken a lover, having an affair.
Odds are yes she has, she's good at hiding it or you have blinders on not wanting to see the signs.

2. Yes, she likes her standard of living, of which you're continuing to foolishly (at this point especially) provide for her, hoping for "sex and intimacy" crumbs.

She'll ride this as long as possible until she exits ON HER OWN TIME TABLE, SCREWING YOU, when she's nailed down someone else that will provide equal or higher standard of living.
Inevitable, from your other details of her responses to repeated communication attempts.

Giving us 3. the ultimate sh!!* test she's playing on you see my bolded excerpt below from your earlier post:

"She was more angry at me for holding affection from her over last 6months saying that I’m punishing her for no intimacy."

Which she's flipping it on you as in "how can you NOT know this whole thing is YOUR FAULT.
In order to keep the loop going and making you feel like you have to keep apologizing ad nauseam.

Here she's blaming you for withholding intimacy FROM HER when shes made very clear choice by her actions and words to keep you at arms length keeping absent any emotional and physical intimacy from her towards you, at HER CHOICE.

But this is common for a W, where by her own choice has totally checked out of a relationship and is just waiting for the best time for HER to split.

The longer she keeps you "mystified" and living in "hopium" land the better and longer she has to plan her upcoming future without you.

Guaranteed she's doing this on purpose.

Sorry man, all the signs are there.

You have to start taking control of your own future or you'll be hurt more when she leaves when it's best for her.
 

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There is no happy ending here......You are a prime target for an affair as you are screaming for attention and love. I lived it. I would tell her of your needs, and then your game plan if your needs are not met. Start interviewing divorce lawyers. She will either step up or continue to check out.
 

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Oh and she not as verbal as she was since I had a big go about it but I do get daily lectures about house stuff
So Billy, you got 3 kids are mature you love your wife, you stay regardless of being talked down to. And yet you mad multiple attempts on have a loving and fulfilling marriage by what most people would call it.

Yet, here you are on the receiving end of being her whipping boy and stay to take it. She already has drawn her lines and rejected them and you. She had no reason to change because she has what she wants out of the marriage.

So she's running not and fit as you. She's get fit isn't for you but herself. I've not gone back in your past post but reading these today.

How long must you stay and get kicked in the teeth every day with these mini lectures. Yup l know you love her but when is enough------ enough. You are so afraid and scared to do anything that may upset the boat, unless you got enough self-respect for yourself.

Nothing will change, but you are as one of the kids to her who want nothing but to take from her. She is done and getting fit for you? Really? You have brought up counseling time after time and are willing and wanting to do again. You already know the answer your receive but must like this endless cycle of feeling inferior.

You know what must be done, how many more wasted years will it be, before you come here and vent in which case is why TAM exist and assistance in other aspects of life love marriage, and even sex. But when a man acts as you through all these years and has no real backbone except to be just one of the kids and wait for mom answer if he can go out and play.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
No I’m not scared but don’t want to upset my children.

No affair happening on her part. I know that for sure.

So like you said she got everything she wants and if I keep quiet all is good for her.

I am worried I won’t find someone else tbh. Wouldn’t want to jump straight into another relationship or would I? At the end of the day I guess I’m complaining that I want a lover and my wife stopped being one quite sometime a go.
I wouldn’t use a lawyer etc we are good enough friends to sort it between us.

But she hasn’t actually answered how she feels so I guess I need to ask again
 

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So many of us (men and women) mistakenly stay for the kids out a sense of duty and to honorably face the consequences of our bad decisions. But it is a mistake, mostly because of the effect on the children; abusive relationships turn kids into abusive adults (maybe like your wife) ... stop the cycle here.

And you underestimate the market out there. Whatever your age, there are millions of women standing right behind her that are perfectly lovely, kind, appreciative and loving people looking for a good man with integrity (for long nights of enthusiastic adult fun). You'll be surprised how it feels when you finally come up for air after this is all over.

Oh, and if it comes to it, get a lawyer ... she will change on the amicable thing as soon as she takes you seriously.
 

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I spent many years in a loveless sexless marriage. She was a 25 year old virgin when we met and it wasn't because she was saving herself. Over the years, she never was all that affectionate either. I came with a lot of baggage myself and believed it was all my fault. I was unlovable...I really tried to improve intimacy, but nothing worked. I have no idea how we made it 20 plus years.


Its been two years since I move out and about a year being officially divorced. The first 6 months was really hard on our daughter and as of now, she seems happy. She is 16 years old and I think she likes that I am happy. Most of my peeps also tell me I seem happier than ever before and I seemed so sad before. My ex-wife seems happier as well.


Other than the financial hit, divorce was the best thing for all of us.


The main reason for divorce? I DIDN'T LIKE THER ANGRY SAD MISERABLE PERSON I WAS BECOMING all the while my ex was content to continue indefinitely. Now, my daughter has two happier homes.


My daughter even likes my gf and will ask me to have her come over. Another plus. My daughter will say, "it's real life". I have an amazing daughter...


My ex-wife? As far as I know, she has no desire to date.


Divorce was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it was necessary. Nothing was ever going to improve.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I’m not miserable just lonely in the Lover department

Love my house and kids etc. Love my wife but I guess deep down she don’t love me that’s why she not giving me answers
 

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I guess deep down she don’t love me that’s why she not giving me answers

I suggested it... I know people have their own issues, etc, but if she really loved you, she would do all she can to make you happy... in a loving relationship, a bit of passionate sex once a week is not a lot to ask, IMO...
 
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