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Will my wife ever want to have sex again?

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I am a Beta male. I do well, earn a good living, drive a nice car, have a nice house, wife drives a nice car, we have family money, and she works and earns a good salary from my father's company. Things are good. The kids are in school and doing well. And as an UNassertive man, I've let my wife slow sex down from the first year of all the time, to the next year of not as much, had our first kid, but I got lucky on that, was a half-court shot that went in (that's how few I was tossing at the basket if you know what I mean, and we wanted to have a child). After our first was ~4, I later found out she began an online "intimate friendship" (that looks from the writing like it never went anywhere real, but the hundreds of emails, the phone calls referenced, the ims referenced, it took up a lot of her time. At about that time I wound up getting her pregnant. We NEVER had sex (when I say never, I mean maybe oral once a month, sex every couple of months, from year 1-2 of the marriage through today), so I KNOW that was the night I knocked her up. I remember she freaked out that I put so much of myself inside her, and she ran into the bathroom. I thought this unusual, and got up to see what she was doing, she was trying to clean herself out with hand and toilet tissue. The memory of the conception of my second born! Wonderful. I later traced the dates back to her what at the time was hot and heavy writing (not specifically romantic) to this guy out of state she knew from childhood, even found the email where she told him to call to tell him the good news!). NO, she never told me about him. But she was writing emails at a clip of several a day most days, as was he. He even asked at one point if I hated him yet. She told him, NO, not me! They did wind up meeting up, but I choose to believe nothing happened because of a number of reasons. I at one point overheard a conversation she had with a bartender when she thought she had hung the phone up on me. She went on about what a piece of **** I was, and an idiot, etc. Told him never to get married. So I bugged her computer. FIRST NIGHT, I catch her online in an IM picking a gu up, and arranging a date with him. I mean she was ALL OVER IT. SHE WANTED IT BAD. It was VERY obvious.
I confronted her with it ~10 years ago, we went into counseling, and to be honest, I think she's been straight and narrow since.
Here's the thing. We NEVER had/have sex. She is never in the mood. She'll offer a quick bj sometimes to get me out of there. She NEVER EVER EVER initiates anything, and she admits it, cries about it, says shes sorry, doesn't know what's wrong with her, etc etc. That she loves me, finds me attractive, I'm a NICE guy. Yada yada. But the only time I've seen her REALYL horny side come out beside her being drunk, is in the emails to those guys. And that's over a 17+ year marriage. When I say sexless, I mean less than once a month, oral maybe once a month or so)
I have tried REALLY REALLY hard. Everything from taking her away (she always has an excuse, I mean we have the money, but the kids, the dog, whatever). When I finally wear her down telling her I'm not getting what I want and need as a man, she cries apologist, promises to make it better, we have sex, really good sex, for one night. Then its like her job is over and it's like Tax season is finally over. I'm Peg Bundy and she's Al! I am NOT a bad looking guy. I have had women come onto me. I'm 46. I'm not in great shape, but I'm doing alright. I've got a good look. My wife, who is beautiful, is right now very overweight. I thought maybe then she'd not be interested in what else was out there and come to me for sex. But that hasn't happened either. She uses everything from truthful excuses that her legs hurt (she has had surgery) etc, to bull **** stuff. But it's the ore MEVER (nearly never) in 17 years (I'll say I can count on my fingers and toes), the number of times she's initiated any intimacy. Maybe double or triple that when it comes to sitting down with me and holding my hand or whatever.
She has friends. She's an outgoing person. If she wasn't so heavy, I'm sure if she was at a bar shed be able to pick up guys.
How do I find out what the **** it is she wants? Or do I just TELL her? Do I become ASSERTIVE (I'm not talking about hurting or do anything she wouldn't be ok with, but I'm talking about seriously forcing the issue). What are some of the things I need to do? Or is it too damn late for that? Kids are in HS and JHS.
What can I find out about her? What questions can I ask? What do you think can lead someone to a life like this.
Full disclosure, before she met me, she was a **** (I mean that in the way you think, but she only has a sense of the things I know, which is WAY more than she has any idea; yet I married her, I'm not going to cheat, and I want to be intimate and have sex damnit!). She lived with a friend of mine, had guys in and out of her life oten, lots of white drugs. But she's been 100% clean for 17 years. I would bet my life on that.
I was a prude. I always try to be a people pleaser, and I was always taught to treat a lady like a lady. It doesn't seem to have worked, and now I'm two decades in looking for a solution another than divorce. I also have mental health issues which don't help, but I go to my Dr, take my Rxs, and before I got into bed with her after a longer than normal courtship, I let her know everything.
Any questions I'd be happy to answer.
Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, I'd love that too. I need help, please!

-------------------------------------

Here's the IM session I caught her doing live 3+ years after she first started talking to the other guy states away... Tell ME, is it "NOTHING" like she says (only "embarrassing")... or is it an OBVIOUS INITIAL BOOTY CALL, especially given the conversations she told me she had with this J on the phone about me and our marriage and how bad it was, and that she felt that it was getting "weird." But when I hit her with all the solid evidence, she changed her tune to you don't have the right, and none of this NONE of this.... is cheating,. and I don't have the RIGHT to be angered by it.

All captialization and punctuation is exactly as was typed by the two parties, no emphasis added here.





J Is:


Guy My Hasntt Seen Or Talked To, Up Till A Few Weeks Ago(onFB). This FB IM, she admitted when I Caught Her With Other Stuff, That She Had Talked To Guy Here (J) On The Phone (was trying to cover up the other thing, and didn’t know I saw this), And That She Was Talking About Our Marital lssues Wih Him AndThis Made Her (her words “start to feel uncomfortable” BEFORE THIS TEXTING). So Keep That In Mind -He Alreay, Going Into This Has Spoken Via EMail And PhoneToHer, And Knows She Has At Least Said Our Marriage Was In Trouble, I Have The It On PersonalRecording


E is:


My Wife.. 3 years after she began the online relationship I put up earlier. This IM session was 8.5 years ago. She still has little to no interest in being intimate, going out with me, or having sex. Says her hormones changed, she’s lazy, a bunch of excuses. But BEFORE AND AFTER 2009, and this 2012... so she has those feelings, am I right or wrong? I know you picture an ugly, poor, weak man... but I’m in much better shape than she, I am just as good looking looks wise... I make good money, and bring in even more, we live on a lake with a boat, new cars, decent house, dog, and I am physically a strong person. But yes, I am a PLEASER, and I HAVE let her take my balls. I’m weak in that way, no need to make the jokes, I get it. I just wanted to get a final check of myself...


Is the below IM session what I believed it to be, or not?





Sexless Marriage - 17+ years and counting, IM, Wife...





When I confronted her with it....


She THEN claimed that this was just saying hi to an old friend, that yes she was embarrassed to have me see it, but I HAD NO RIGHT TO ASSUME ANYTHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED, says what she wrote was not a “fairly” naked attempt at an intial “booty call.” He lived with his parents very close to my wifes mother. He had gotten divorced and moved back from out west. His “art” is basically copy and pasting to make posters for shows, and sketches that to me closely resembled the work of Napoleon Dynamite. For real. So to me, this was as obvious as could be, but I wasn’t even allowed to bring up any detail in marriage counseling, AND to get back in the house with my kids (who this is ALL about, not that I don’t love my wife, I WANT her to WANT ME. I am weak, that’s obvious, but what else can I do?). And is this not obvious below....








------==----------------------=----------------------------


J-: ah the strangeness of online dating


mywifE: ohhh boy ..MY FRIEND met her now husband on there!


J: i feel like rip van winkle


E: ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you'll do great


J: its all adventure


E: I can imagine...and you are a tough nut to crack!!! have you gone on any dates?


J: nope. just signed up last week. maybe tuesday


E: GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


J: im just kind of torn as to what i want. i really have to get laid badly but i don't want to meet up with any nutzies. and on the other hand i want the "soul mate" type. I gal i can just have as the companion ...so theres a conflict


E: Its a tough call...get laid and stay out of a commit for now...this is fresh



J: after my wife im gun shy


E: of course..thats why you should just have fun...go out and date..dont get heavy. well my friend...i hope it goes well!!!


J: again...its just more adventure


E: life is an adventure...I can see you living that 100%
you might not have to look to far..your friend ONLINE WOMAN is captivated by you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


J: yeah well shes a nut


E: ha! she is sweet on you!!!


J: she was on my for a while


E: literally?


J: so I decided to test her boundaries/get rid of her...no just commenting constantly...so i said to her... so WOMANS NAME, when are we gonna ****?


E: you are way to smart..I would never **** with you in that way!!! you would make minced meat of me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


J: it had the effect of a big bomb being dropped with barely any casualties


E: the best kind! but...she is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


J: right. shes back


E: does she know you are "single"


J: she actually kicked me in the balls when I was 10


E: ha!


J: in the oradell public school yard.


E: do I know her?


J: probably not. LASTNAME was her name.


E: she is creepin on you...the comments on your pix were WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


J: she is attractive and i was semi kidding


E: nope...i dont know her


J: yeah she's a dumb bell


E: arent the all, get used to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



J: so annoying. but she does somehow understand what im trying to get at aesthetically with my art


E: its hard being admired...take it for what it is...longing from a freak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! still good right?


J: she actually articulated it lucidly once. she didnt know what she was saying, but i did. i only want to be admired by people "better" than me


E: why i would never mess with you… verbally


J: everyone else...well i dont really care


E: you are way to well spoken and can put it in writing far to quickly!!!


J: why dont we go out one night


E: I will set up a night when I am at my Moms and we can meet up...that would be great...i have to warn you...i just quit smoking after 25 years (gross) so I am squishy right now to say the least!!!! Weight Watchers is actually starting this week, so no fat jokes are allowed


J: ok, well I wont go out for a cigarette. squishy's fine. plus you're a familiar



E: nope you can...just hold it in and blow it in my face!! I went to the beach this W/E with my 2 B/F's and for the 1st time ever was the non smoker...it ****ing sucks


J: you probably have a nervous thing. nervous oral fixation


E: nope...just ****ing love smoking!


J: i had it once too but it seems to have subsided


E: good..dont do it


J: ive never thought of it as a nicotine addiction. always more pyschological to me.


E: i want one now!!!


J: just stick your thumb in your mouth. haha. sorry to bring it up. wait you brought it up.


E: I wish it was that easy





they go on discussing his job, and how IT people and non-creative people suck (ME).





E: I must say Good Night.... until next time.


J: ok. have a better one


E: smile J
 

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I just think you should initiate sex with her. Not aggressively but firmly. Don’t ask, don’t talk about it, show her you want her.
It sounds like she will never be the type to initiate. You have to accept that. You need to take what you want, and if she refuses that’s fine. Try again tomorrow. If she keeps refusing, then the next time she refuses ask her what she expects you to do.
 

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I also think you need to do some investigating -- you already know she has online EA's -- I bet she just learned to hide them better from you. There are MANY ways to hide discussions now -- inside games on her phone, other apps that disappear the messages, even FaceBook can do things in messenger like this.

Also, YOU need to look deep inside yourself and see what you are getting out of this relationship OTHER than room mates and business partners (which is what it comes down to with sharing expenses/etc.).

You say this: "Things are good " Yeah, sorry but what you painted in your post, things are NOT good and have not been for a LONG time.
You sound a bit co-dependent -- read "Co-dependent no more", start working on YOU, be with your kids more, and STOP bending over backwards for HER.
 

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Your male ancestors that came before you, hunted wooly mammoths, fought off predators with sticks and stones, learned to make fire, built pyramids, crossed oceans, traveled by wagon and horse back across the frontier frought with plagues, storms, blizzards, rattlesnakes and hostile indians, waded ashore under the hail of gunfire and artillery on far away places like Iwo Jimo and Guadalcanal and parachuted behind enemy lines in the middle of the night in Normandy and then went on to build great cities and skyscapers...... and now here you are in 2020.

No TV or video games for you tonight. You go to your room and think about that tonight.
 

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I just think you should initiate sex with her. Not aggressively but firmly. Don’t ask, don’t talk about it, show her you want her.
It sounds like she will never be the type to initiate. You have to accept that. You need to take what you want, and if she refuses that’s fine. Try again tomorrow. If she keeps refusing, then the next time she refuses ask her what she expects you to do.
When he asks that question, she will say "I'm sorry" then put out for the night and revert back to script. This interplay between them is pretty settled.

If he pushes this issue then he's further into the territory of "negotiated desire." She simply doesn't desire him, he gets pity/duty sex once in a while. Putting more pressure on her to meet his needs simply increases the pity/duty sex and builds resentment within her.

She either has to find a tiny spark of desire within herself and focus on it, blow on it, build it up to a bigger flame of desire and actually want to have sex with her man or he has to do something about himself to create that desire within her.

Or cut his losses and move on.
 

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Lots of red flags in your post like “beta” “nice guy” etc... If you actually want it from her (not sure why given the infidelity) you need to do a 180 on her.

Stop being “nice”.

It sounds like you’ve had one or more talks with her and she’s figured out she can make you go away for awhile with one encounter.

As difficult as it is you’re going to have to get yourself in order. Work on a self improvement plan, get into good shape. Get some new clothes, get a haircut. It’s tough with Covid but go out and do stuff without her and don’t ask. It she wants to be with new not nice confident you she needs to get with the program.

Note that for your part in this you need to be willing to walk away if she’s not going to make the changes she needs to make. If you’ve already stayed past the stuff in your post this will be the hardest part for you but as you said yourself you would find someone else that would have a sexual relationship with you.
 

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I am a Beta male. I do well, earn a good living, drive a nice car, have a nice house, wife drives a nice car, we have family money, and she works and earns a good salary from my father's company. Things are good. The kids are in school and doing well. And as an UNassertive man, I've let my wife slow sex down from the first year of all the time, to the next year of not as much, had our first kid, but I got lucky on that, was a half-court shot that went in (that's how few I was tossing at the basket if you know what I mean, and we wanted to have a child). After our first was ~4, I later found out she began an online "intimate friendship" (that looks from the writing like it never went anywhere real, but the hundreds of emails, the phone calls referenced, the ims referenced, it took up a lot of her time. At about that time I wound up getting her pregnant. We NEVER had sex (when I say never, I mean maybe oral once a month, sex every couple of months, from year 1-2 of the marriage through today), so I KNOW that was the night I knocked her up. I remember she freaked out that I put so much of myself inside her, and she ran into the bathroom. I thought this unusual, and got up to see what she was doing, she was trying to clean herself out with hand and toilet tissue. The memory of the conception of my second born! Wonderful. I later traced the dates back to her what at the time was hot and heavy writing (not specifically romantic) to this guy out of state she knew from childhood, even found the email where she told him to call to tell him the good news!). NO, she never told me about him. But she was writing emails at a clip of several a day most days, as was he. He even asked at one point if I hated him yet. She told him, NO, not me! They did wind up meeting up, but I choose to believe nothing happened because of a number of reasons. I at one point overheard a conversation she had with a bartender when she thought she had hung the phone up on me. She went on about what a piece of **** I was, and an idiot, etc. Told him never to get married. So I bugged her computer. FIRST NIGHT, I catch her online in an IM picking a gu up, and arranging a date with him. I mean she was ALL OVER IT. SHE WANTED IT BAD. It was VERY obvious.
I confronted her with it ~10 years ago, we went into counseling, and to be honest, I think she's been straight and narrow since.
Here's the thing. We NEVER had/have sex. She is never in the mood. She'll offer a quick bj sometimes to get me out of there. She NEVER EVER EVER initiates anything, and she admits it, cries about it, says shes sorry, doesn't know what's wrong with her, etc etc. That she loves me, finds me attractive, I'm a NICE guy. Yada yada. But the only time I've seen her REALYL horny side come out beside her being drunk, is in the emails to those guys. And that's over a 17+ year marriage. When I say sexless, I mean less than once a month, oral maybe once a month or so)
I have tried REALLY REALLY hard. Everything from taking her away (she always has an excuse, I mean we have the money, but the kids, the dog, whatever). When I finally wear her down telling her I'm not getting what I want and need as a man, she cries apologist, promises to make it better, we have sex, really good sex, for one night. Then its like her job is over and it's like Tax season is finally over. I'm Peg Bundy and she's Al! I am NOT a bad looking guy. I have had women come onto me. I'm 46. I'm not in great shape, but I'm doing alright. I've got a good look. My wife, who is beautiful, is right now very overweight. I thought maybe then she'd not be interested in what else was out there and come to me for sex. But that hasn't happened either. She uses everything from truthful excuses that her legs hurt (she has had surgery) etc, to bull **** stuff. But it's the ore MEVER (nearly never) in 17 years (I'll say I can count on my fingers and toes), the number of times she's initiated any intimacy. Maybe double or triple that when it comes to sitting down with me and holding my hand or whatever.
She has friends. She's an outgoing person. If she wasn't so heavy, I'm sure if she was at a bar shed be able to pick up guys.
How do I find out what the **** it is she wants? Or do I just TELL her? Do I become ASSERTIVE (I'm not talking about hurting or do anything she wouldn't be ok with, but I'm talking about seriously forcing the issue). What are some of the things I need to do? Or is it too damn late for that? Kids are in HS and JHS.
What can I find out about her? What questions can I ask? What do you think can lead someone to a life like this.
Full disclosure, before she met me, she was a **** (I mean that in the way you think, but she only has a sense of the things I know, which is WAY more than she has any idea; yet I married her, I'm not going to cheat, and I want to be intimate and have sex damnit!). She lived with a friend of mine, had guys in and out of her life oten, lots of white drugs. But she's been 100% clean for 17 years. I would bet my life on that.
I was a prude. I always try to be a people pleaser, and I was always taught to treat a lady like a lady. It doesn't seem to have worked, and now I'm two decades in looking for a solution another than divorce. I also have mental health issues which don't help, but I go to my Dr, take my Rxs, and before I got into bed with her after a longer than normal courtship, I let her know everything.
Any questions I'd be happy to answer.
Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, I'd love that too. I need help, please!
What in holy hell are you doing with your life man. You get basically no sex, know your wife is out banging other guys and all you're doing is asking how do I get her to want me.

Have you confronted her with the evidence you have??. If I were you I would send the kids out for the night. Prepare all the evidence. And arrange the living room with the pile of evidence on one side of the table, divorce papers on the other side and a bunch of suit cases sitting neatly arranged in the center of the room. I would start showing her the evidence just the most damning stuff but have a big pile under it, then hand her the divorce papers and just point at the suitcases and tell her to pack them and get the hell out of my house. I would tell her that you're going to a bar for a couple of hours and you want her out by the time you get back. If she is not done packing and out by then you will start throwing her clothes and toiletries in the street. All this done with zero emotion and no discussion, just a GTFO attitude.
 

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When he asks that question, she will say "I'm sorry" then put out for the night and revert back to script. This interplay between them is pretty settled.

If he pushes this issue then he's further into the territory of "negotiated desire." She simply doesn't desire him, he gets pity/duty sex once in a while. Putting more pressure on her to meet his needs simply increases the pity/duty sex and builds resentment within her.

She either has to find a tiny spark of desire within herself and focus on it, blow on it, build it up to a bigger flame of desire and actually want to have sex with her man or he has to do something about himself to create that desire within her.

Or cut his losses and move on.
There is nothing sexy about being to have sex.
 

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What in holy hell are you doing with your life man. You get basically no sex, know your wife is out banging other guys and all you're doing is asking how do I get her to want me.

Have you confronted her with the evidence you have??. If I were you I would send the kids out for the night. Prepare all the evidence. And arrange the living room with the pile of evidence on one side of the table, divorce papers on the other side and a bunch of suit cases sitting neatly arranged in the center of the room. I would start showing her the evidence just the most damning stuff but have a big pile under it, then hand her the divorce papers and just point at the suitcases and tell her to pack them and get the hell out of my house. I would tell her that you're going to a bar for a couple of hours and you want her out by the time you get back. If she is not done packing and out by then you will start throwing her clothes and toiletries in the street. All this done with zero emotion and no discussion, just a GTFO attitude.
This sounds like great mental masturbation.

But if her name is on the lease/mortgage/deed, then he technically can’t throw her out or toss her stuff into the street.

He’s a timid beta and nice guy. It would take all his gumption to indicate he is displeased let alone actually throw her out.
 

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I am a Beta male. I do well, earn a good living, drive a nice car, have a nice house, wife drives a nice car, we have family money, and she works and earns a good salary from my father's company. Things are good. The kids are in school and doing well. And as an UNassertive man, I've let my wife slow sex down from the first year of all the time, to the next year of not as much, had our first kid, but I got lucky on that, was a half-court shot that went in (that's how few I was tossing at the basket if you know what I mean, and we wanted to have a child). After our first was ~4, I later found out she began an online "intimate friendship" (that looks from the writing like it never went anywhere real, but the hundreds of emails, the phone calls referenced, the ims referenced, it took up a lot of her time.

At about that time I wound up getting her pregnant. We NEVER had sex (when I say never, I mean maybe oral once a month, sex every couple of months, from year 1-2 of the marriage through today), so I KNOW that was the night I knocked her up. I remember she freaked out that I put so much of myself inside her, and she ran into the bathroom. I thought this unusual, and got up to see what she was doing, she was trying to clean herself out with hand and toilet tissue. The memory of the conception of my second born! Wonderful.

I later traced the dates back to her what at the time was hot and heavy writing (not specifically romantic) to this guy out of state she knew from childhood, even found the email where she told him to call to tell him the good news!). NO, she never told me about him. But she was writing emails at a clip of several a day most days, as was he. He even asked at one point if I hated him yet. She told him, NO, not me! They did wind up meeting up, but I choose to believe nothing happened because of a number of reasons. I at one point overheard a conversation she had with a bartender when she thought she had hung the phone up on me. She went on about what a piece of **** I was, and an idiot, etc. Told him never to get married. So I bugged her computer. FIRST NIGHT, I catch her online in an IM picking a gu up, and arranging a date with him. I mean she was ALL OVER IT. SHE WANTED IT BAD. It was VERY obvious.

I confronted her with it ~10 years ago, we went into counseling, and to be honest, I think she's been straight and narrow since.

Here's the thing. We NEVER had/have sex. She is never in the mood. She'll offer a quick bj sometimes to get me out of there. She NEVER EVER EVER initiates anything, and she admits it, cries about it, says shes sorry, doesn't know what's wrong with her, etc etc. That she loves me, finds me attractive, I'm a NICE guy. Yada yada. But the only time I've seen her REALYL horny side come out beside her being drunk, is in the emails to those guys. And that's over a 17+ year marriage. When I say sexless, I mean less than once a month, oral maybe once a month or so)

I have tried REALLY REALLY hard. Everything from taking her away (she always has an excuse, I mean we have the money, but the kids, the dog, whatever). When I finally wear her down telling her I'm not getting what I want and need as a man, she cries apologist, promises to make it better, we have sex, really good sex, for one night. Then its like her job is over and it's like Tax season is finally over. I'm Peg Bundy and she's Al! I am NOT a bad looking guy. I have had women come onto me. I'm 46. I'm not in great shape, but I'm doing alright. I've got a good look.

My wife, who is beautiful, is right now very overweight. I thought maybe then she'd not be interested in what else was out there and come to me for sex. But that hasn't happened either. She uses everything from truthful excuses that her legs hurt (she has had surgery) etc, to bull **** stuff. But it's the ore MEVER (nearly never) in 17 years (I'll say I can count on my fingers and toes), the number of times she's initiated any intimacy. Maybe double or triple that when it comes to sitting down with me and holding my hand or whatever.

She has friends. She's an outgoing person. If she wasn't so heavy, I'm sure if she was at a bar shed be able to pick up guys.

How do I find out what the **** it is she wants? Or do I just TELL her? Do I become ASSERTIVE (I'm not talking about hurting or do anything she wouldn't be ok with, but I'm talking about seriously forcing the issue). What are some of the things I need to do? Or is it too damn late for that? Kids are in HS and JHS.
What can I find out about her? What questions can I ask? What do you think can lead someone to a life like this.

Full disclosure, before she met me, she was a **** (I mean that in the way you think, but she only has a sense of the things I know, which is WAY more than she has any idea; yet I married her, I'm not going to cheat, and I want to be intimate and have sex damnit!). She lived with a friend of mine, had guys in and out of her life oten, lots of white drugs. But she's been 100% clean for 17 years. I would bet my life on that.

I was a prude. I always try to be a people pleaser, and I was always taught to treat a lady like a lady. It doesn't seem to have worked, and now I'm two decades in looking for a solution another than divorce. I also have mental health issues which don't help, but I go to my Dr, take my Rxs, and before I got into bed with her after a longer than normal courtship, I let her know everything.
Any questions I'd be happy to answer.

Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, I'd love that too. I need help, please!
Since you don't want to divorce, I say carry on as you are and embrace that choice.
 

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What she wants is not you.

That is the most important data point you should consider in your decision.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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So if she didn't want to get pregnant why weren't you all using birth control?
I mean having sex does lead to babies if you don't use birth control and I'm just thinking that's at least one reason she's not wanting to keep having sex with you. Not the main reason. So why weren't you using birth control, or really I mean why wasn't she?

Curiosity aside, I can't for the life of me imagine why she's staying or why you are letting her stay. As a woman I do know that you don't negotiate sex. It's not like it is with men. I'm surprised she's giving you BJ's. She's not into sex with you and she's not ever going to be. She must be staying for the kids or for money or because she's in general afraid of change because she's not staying because she's into you. if you are still attracting women and that's important to you and you're not too beta to go after them and date and build something, then that is what I would do.
 
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Alcohol.
Birth control.
Some mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and other meds for mental health.
Some heart medications
Some blood pressure medications.
Some heartburn and indigestion medications.

I don't know all the different types of meds that affect a woman's libido but in the absence of there being something she's taking that affects her sexual desire, a woman has some kind of sexual desire. For a woman, that could manifest in a number of ways. If she doesn't want to have sex, then a good question is whether she gets sexual satisfaction out of the experience. It just makes sense to me that women want sex because it feels good. If it isn't satisfying, then she doesn't want to have sex with that person. There are women who live their married lives doing duty sex on a regular or maybe semi-regular basis. And there are some who avoid sex as much as they can for as long as they can.

Women also need a confident man, one who is skillful and knows what he's doing. Most women don't like feeling like someone's experiment. You don't sound very confident just in general. If your lack of confidence projects itself in the bedroom, then that is a very big turnoff.

Assuming one or both of these are your wife's problem, I believe every man can learn to make sex enjoyable and more satisfying for their wife. It just makes sense to do that if they want their wife to want to have sex with them.
 

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I am a Beta male. I do well, earn a good living, drive a nice car, have a nice house, wife drives a nice car, we have family money, and she works and earns a good salary from my father's company. Things are good. The kids are in school and doing well. And as an UNassertive man, I've let my wife slow sex down from the first year of all the time, to the next year of not as much, had our first kid, but I got lucky on that, was a half-court shot that went in (that's how few I was tossing at the basket if you know what I mean, and we wanted to have a child). After our first was ~4, I later found out she began an online "intimate friendship" (that looks from the writing like it never went anywhere real, but the hundreds of emails, the phone calls referenced, the ims referenced, it took up a lot of her time. At about that time I wound up getting her pregnant. We NEVER had sex (when I say never, I mean maybe oral once a month, sex every couple of months, from year 1-2 of the marriage through today), so I KNOW that was the night I knocked her up. I remember she freaked out that I put so much of myself inside her, and she ran into the bathroom. I thought this unusual, and got up to see what she was doing, she was trying to clean herself out with hand and toilet tissue. The memory of the conception of my second born! Wonderful. I later traced the dates back to her what at the time was hot and heavy writing (not specifically romantic) to this guy out of state she knew from childhood, even found the email where she told him to call to tell him the good news!). NO, she never told me about him. But she was writing emails at a clip of several a day most days, as was he. He even asked at one point if I hated him yet. She told him, NO, not me! They did wind up meeting up, but I choose to believe nothing happened because of a number of reasons. I at one point overheard a conversation she had with a bartender when she thought she had hung the phone up on me. She went on about what a piece of **** I was, and an idiot, etc. Told him never to get married. So I bugged her computer. FIRST NIGHT, I catch her online in an IM picking a gu up, and arranging a date with him. I mean she was ALL OVER IT. SHE WANTED IT BAD. It was VERY obvious.
I confronted her with it ~10 years ago, we went into counseling, and to be honest, I think she's been straight and narrow since.
Here's the thing. We NEVER had/have sex. She is never in the mood. She'll offer a quick bj sometimes to get me out of there. She NEVER EVER EVER initiates anything, and she admits it, cries about it, says shes sorry, doesn't know what's wrong with her, etc etc. That she loves me, finds me attractive, I'm a NICE guy. Yada yada. But the only time I've seen her REALYL horny side come out beside her being drunk, is in the emails to those guys. And that's over a 17+ year marriage. When I say sexless, I mean less than once a month, oral maybe once a month or so)
I have tried REALLY REALLY hard. Everything from taking her away (she always has an excuse, I mean we have the money, but the kids, the dog, whatever). When I finally wear her down telling her I'm not getting what I want and need as a man, she cries apologist, promises to make it better, we have sex, really good sex, for one night. Then its like her job is over and it's like Tax season is finally over. I'm Peg Bundy and she's Al! I am NOT a bad looking guy. I have had women come onto me. I'm 46. I'm not in great shape, but I'm doing alright. I've got a good look. My wife, who is beautiful, is right now very overweight. I thought maybe then she'd not be interested in what else was out there and come to me for sex. But that hasn't happened either. She uses everything from truthful excuses that her legs hurt (she has had surgery) etc, to bull **** stuff. But it's the ore MEVER (nearly never) in 17 years (I'll say I can count on my fingers and toes), the number of times she's initiated any intimacy. Maybe double or triple that when it comes to sitting down with me and holding my hand or whatever.
She has friends. She's an outgoing person. If she wasn't so heavy, I'm sure if she was at a bar shed be able to pick up guys.
How do I find out what the **** it is she wants? Or do I just TELL her? Do I become ASSERTIVE (I'm not talking about hurting or do anything she wouldn't be ok with, but I'm talking about seriously forcing the issue). What are some of the things I need to do? Or is it too damn late for that? Kids are in HS and JHS.
What can I find out about her? What questions can I ask? What do you think can lead someone to a life like this.
Full disclosure, before she met me, she was a **** (I mean that in the way you think, but she only has a sense of the things I know, which is WAY more than she has any idea; yet I married her, I'm not going to cheat, and I want to be intimate and have sex damnit!). She lived with a friend of mine, had guys in and out of her life oten, lots of white drugs. But she's been 100% clean for 17 years. I would bet my life on that.
I was a prude. I always try to be a people pleaser, and I was always taught to treat a lady like a lady. It doesn't seem to have worked, and now I'm two decades in looking for a solution another than divorce. I also have mental health issues which don't help, but I go to my Dr, take my Rxs, and before I got into bed with her after a longer than normal courtship, I let her know everything.
Any questions I'd be happy to answer.
Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, I'd love that too. I need help, please!
your wife is a ****. Your words.
She wants to have sex with basically anyone but you and having a second child with you apparently was repulsive to her.
You want a loving wife that looks forward to sex with you. It will never be her. She lost all desire for you the first time she had that affair, but her feelings for you were only on the downslide long before based on your description.

what do you want help with? You know on your heart your wife doesn’t love you. Divorce her and move on and be happy.
You will never be happy living with a woman that doesn’t love you. I hope this helps. You’ve wasted 17 years. Don’t waste the rest. Change is hard.
 

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I am a Beta male.
That says it all. I'm sorry. I'm a beta, too. I know what it's like to be born in that temperament subset. "Beta" is a terrific blessing in some aspects of our lives, we can succeed well at careers and be the "go to guy" for customers. But it is a severe handicap in the sexual area.

I do well, earn a good living, drive a nice car, have a nice house, wife drives a nice car, we have family money, and she works and earns a good salary from my father's company. Things are good.
Yes, those are the "qualities" women like your wife seek for a "husband" ..... and the ones they value mostly. They find, along the way, that they can get cheap thrills from alphas. Then, their SMV disappears with age. They have to resort to "online" alphas, where they can deceive them about the fact their tits are sagging.

She simply doesn't desire him, he gets pity/duty sex once in a while.
This is the absolutely succinct description of your marriage, and the correct interpretation of your wife's "love" for you. She "loves" what you provide, but not you.

You want a loving wife that looks forward to sex with you. It will never be her.
I have had three marriages and one SO relationship. Outside of those, I have had only very sporadic and seldom sex. While I still had self-esteem, I left the SO because of duty sex.
I found a nymphomaniac who became my first wife. I thought my prayers were answered :) Turned out that she was no different. My SO didn't want me, but found other men attractive. My wife would have screwed anything that walked on two legs or four. And did.... she wanted to screw me, but after the "screwing" I got from her, I wanted to puke.

For me, it wasn't SO, but I found out over the next 48 years, that it wasn't going to be anyone else, either. That's the "beta" that you and I are cursed with.

You’ve wasted 17 years. Don’t waste the rest. Change is hard.
I have found it impossible to "play" alpha for long periods. There were times, in my younger days, when I could "score" by putting on the alpha facade, ( especially women who were likely married to betas whom I had too many scruples to **** ).

@Evinrude58 is giving you very good advice. I tried this in the ways I could morally tolerate and was unsuccessful. All 3 of my marriages have been as @Lance Mannion describes.

You may find the way of change, I hope you do, and I hope you leave her self-centered a$$ far behind you.

I believe every man can learn to make sex enjoyable and more satisfying for their wife.
Yes, even betas can do this. But, you may find, as I have, that you simply will not be able to live up to the fantasy man in her head. My wife apologized to me about a month ago, saying it "wasn't fair" to me to endure the sexual drought. But, "because it's less unfair" just is not something which meets my needs...... it only confirms her non-attraction and her complete willingness to take my support with complete entitlement.
 
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