Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm in a bad place and any thoughts are appreciated. In short, married for over 10 years. Two small kids. Good life in general. Few years ago I had an email with old GF that wife found where we reminisced. Meant nothing to me really. But since then she has lost trust in me and won't forgive me. Prior to that and after, we stopped having sex - I guess due to life, kids, work, all bad excuses. The trust thing doesn't help at all I know. Talking about it causes fights, she doesn't want a therapist, she doesn't want to talk about the sex issue because she isn't comfortable with the topic or she blames me; which starts more fights. So I don't even go there. Now years have gone by; no intimacy at all. The "I love you's" seem to just be words. She cares about me, I know that. And we're good parents...but we're just living together raising kids. When I try to start a fire (simple kiss or ear kiss) she just doesn't seem to react to send any signal that she cares or wants to continue; so I back off and watch TV with her or something. Other times she sleeps, or is sick or something where I don't even try. So days go by, living our lives. She's a stay at home wife, I go to work, ho hum. I feel like we're here to keep the kids together with us, to deal with our tasks for the day or week, and to keep things together because of the convenience. But the lust isn't there. I feel like it's a lost cause, but I don't want to end it either. Advice?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
You have a tremendous amount to learn. Start by reading no more mr. nice guy. You need that book as a baseline for your education. I think what you'll discover, what you'll conclude by yourself is that your wife is using this one email as an excuse to keep you sexless. And by letting her get away with it you're enabling her. She treats you this way because she knows there will be no consequence. You'll never leave. She feels completely safe denying you. And frankly, she doesn't think that you could pull another female. In short, she has lost respect for you.

What to do about that? Well, the list is long. Maybe someone else will continue where I left off. Before I spend the time, I'm interested to see your reaction and if you're open to doing the hard work it will take to fix it. Most aren't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
To Canadian...3-4 times a week...pretty good I think but not mind blowing. Maybe the chemistry was never there to begin with - to young to know it at the time. To WorkingOnMe - you might be right, the respect might not be there. But I don't think a hard hand will work either. She can get moody (a lot) which is a turn off to me and I try to ignore it for the kids more than anything. Me getting "tough" in such situations turns into a larger fight that frankly I don't want to deal with. What's the hard work you mean, in short?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
I never said anything about a hard hand or getting tough. You don't have to do that to stop being a doormat. I don't think you're ready to accept what you'll need to do. At this point you'll just dismiss it. But I think you need to take a hard look at the 180 and start pulling away. You're providing everything for nothing. The dynamic needs to change. She needs to start chasing you. But she can't do that if you're chasing her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,794 Posts
WorkingOnMe is correct you need to read "no more mr nice guy". I am not saying she wasn't hurt by your little reminiscing with the old GF...but that being said if you have towed thd line ever since and not given her any reason to mistrust you ....she should be past the trust and forgiveness stage....unless you didn't apologize. Women look at intamacy differently than men. A relationship starts mentally (talking) with a women....men it usually starts once they are physically together (dating in person) ....this is why women are more comfortable with long distance relationships they feel an intamacy already from the communication....men don't usually get that from letters and phone calls. Long explanation to say she probably sees your little reminicing a little differently than you.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,794 Posts
I agree WorkinOnMe but he will probably also have to address it a long with being to much of a nice guy. She has a crutch (excuse) and she ain't going to give it up easily.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
251 Posts
Well you need to ask if you want to live like this forever.
If you do not,then have a serious talk to your wife,that
you both work to fix and make the marriage better or
get a divorce.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
Well you need to ask if you want to live like this forever.
If you do not,then have a serious talk to your wife,that
you both work to fix and make the marriage better or
get a divorce.
I'm certainly not going to say not to communicate. But the fact is that he has talked a lot already. Talking doesn't move her. If you've tried talking 100 times and it never works, then sitting her down for a serious talk (as though the others were just for fun) is not going to work either. The time for talk is over. OP has proven that talk is all he's willing to do. Now is the time for action.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
291 Posts
Just so you know...you're only helpless if you want to be...

In truth, we are (almost) NEVER helpless.

WorkingOnMe might've been brisk...but, he did nail everything...

Basically, as a general rule, a man actually dictates how his wife will ultimately treat him...

So, if you allow "mistreatment" you'll continue to get it...this is all hardwired into our DNA...ultimately it all hinges on power.

Women are not attracted to looks...they really aren't...they are attracted to POWER.

So...who has the POWER in your relationship??

Obviously you're wife.

A woman can't respect a man she has total POWER over...because you're "weak"...and that just kills sexual attraction (i.e. why do you want to mate with the "weak" guy?....better off holding out for a stronger one...)

Yes. That's really how it works. Not consciously. But on a very primal level...that's what's at play...we are an animal...a clever one...but still an animal.

So anyway...you can change the dynamic in your relationship...if you want...NMMNG and MMSL are the two books to get you started...you really have nothing to lose right?

And no, this is not about...becoming angry and heavy-handed....anger is weak...so is a mopey, resigned sadness...really if you read those books, i'm sure you'll find it's more about indifference than anything else....

Male Indifference is scary to a woman...if you're indifferent then where's her power over you?....you suddenly have the power...so while it's scary it's also ATTRACTIVE....

But the crux of it all, hinges upon you making a decision that you won't continue to be brow-beaten or guilted into a sexless marriage (i.e. you WILL give up the marriage rather than live like this)....if you don't ever end up operating from that 'pivot-point'...she'll know (subconciously or otherwise) that she still holds all the cards (all the power) and nothing will change
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
I agree with WorkingOnMe too!

She is using the conversation with the other woman as an excuse. Granted, having had the conversation wasn't a good thing today and probably did give her some trust issues, but her complete refusal to seek any type of counseling with you or talk about the issue is a huge problem

You're not sexless because of the conversation. You're sexless because she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,994 Posts
the dismissal of the inappropriate email and saying she is using it as an excuse is terrible

trust was broken here and that needs to be repaired, whether the sex life died prior to the email or not
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,582 Posts
:iagree:

The email must have an impact on her lack of sex or he wouldn't have brought it up in the original post.

If he has lost trust, that needs to be addressed.
I can agree to a point on that, but what if the email interest was pushed by the lack of sex between them?

Whatever came first, the OP needs to keep addressing this with his wife. Her reactions (not comfortable, blames, fights, etc...) are just means of putting off the discussions.

OP needs to explain to his wife that if sex is not important to her in the marriage, then she shouldn't be concerned about him getting it elsewhere. If it IS important to her, then she needs to realize that the implied agreement of monogamy only comes with the implied agreement to take care of each other's sexual needs.

She can't get one without the other.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
137 Posts
Hi IneedHelp100. Whatever you wrote about your situation applies word for word to mine. With the exception of kids, I have three.

Thanks for the advice guys, I just ordered NMMNG off amazon, I can't figure out what is the other book you recommend.

My wife also blamed the no sex on the email she found in my deleted items 2 years after it was sent. Women need to rationalize things, and it is so easy to blame everything on a husband who has allowed to be used as a punching bag for the sake of peace.

But here is the twist. Even though she blamed her LD on my emails and 1000 other things I've done wrong, turned out she had a thyroid problem. Here is a statistic, 80% of thyroid issues goes not diagnosed. Thyroid has a direct effect on sex. To justify no desire, most women will blame it on their husbands, because it is easier that way.

So, both of our wives do not work. Does yours complain of gaining weight, pain in joints, fragile hair, hair loss, lack of energy (looks like just plain laziness) being tired, difficulty waking up, being cold while you are sweating, low blood pressure?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
291 Posts
The other books is

Married Man Sex Life (MMSL)

NNMNG (I feel) is more of 'a whole life philosophy' change one needs to make...it applies not only to your marriage but coworkers, etc, etc as well...

MMSL is more for specific tools/ways to interact with your wife to increase her attraction for you again (that goes back to the balance of power stuff)

Anyway, if you google MMSL and go to his website...you can get a feel for what that book's about

Both compliment each other well
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #19 ·
Wow - ton of stuff to take in here. Thank you all. Good (sort of) to hear someone else had a similar thing. The sexless came after kids - we grew apart I think. She stopped work, I worked too much. She gets stressed over everything, even small things. Just worries about getting things done. She has self confidence issues too (for no reason, she's smart and beautiful) but she does. She does have symptoms described in the thyroid situation. I won't use that as an excuse. The doormat thing - I'm not sure about that stuff but what I'm doing isn't working so yeah - I need to change something. I'm trying to be sympathetic to confidence issues too. More to come. And thank you all...even the harsh stuff.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
137 Posts
So she shows these Symptoms, huh? Well congratulations, maybe you got a winner. Maybe it is not you nor her but the thyroid. It is easier to go on through the miserable married life like this.

Here is what you need to do. First check out my thread LD and Thyroid. There is a wonderful insight from a girl who lost her thyroid. Then ask uncle Google to get you up to speed on both hyper and hypo thyroidism. Then find a good endocrinologist to get your wife checked out.

Of course reading NMMNG will not hurt either. I can't wait for the Amazon to deliver my copy.
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top