Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My first post and I'm going all in....(sorry it's long)

I've been married to my hubs for 15 months (I'm 30, he's 34). Before we got engaged he lost his job, but proposed a couple of months after the job loss. We figured he would be back on his feet in no time since he's very qualified in his field, so we proceeded to set a date and plan the wedding. Before we got married, we didn't have sex as much as I would have liked, but that was because of religious reasons and we really shouldn't have been having sex before the marriage anyway (thank you, Catholic Church, of all the guilt surrounding my sex life lol). We also read His Needs, Her Needs while engaged, and when it came to the sex chapter, he admitted that the amount of sex we were having during the engagement was good for him (mind you, I just said we weren't having it often...maybe once every 6-8 weeks). I said that I need sex 2-3 times per week in the marriage and he repeated "what we do now is fine with me." So, looking back, it looks like his libido was not high from the start.

Not only was the quantity of sex not up to par, but the quality wasn't that great either, but I figured once we got married, we would practice more and get to know each other better in bed and we would have more sex and it would be great.

Well, during the honeymoon, we had sex every night (except one), but as soon as our plane touched down on U.S.A. soil, the sex was few and far between. After being home for about 2 weeks I remember saying to him "you realized we haven't even had sex in our own bed yet?!" That didn't seem to phase him and we eventually had sex about a week later, while out of town for a funeral. After that, I got sex here and there, but mostly I got excuses for why we COULDN'T have sex ie) he was tired, he was busy, we could do it later, he was "bored" with our sex life, etc. So I tried to accommodate those excuses. "You're tired because it's too late? Fine, let's try to have sex in the middle of the day!" Still nothing. "You're busy? We'll do it later? Fine, I'll wait until you're doing nothing!" Still no go. "Later" would always turn into weeks of me waiting around. "You're bored with our sex life because we always do it the same (the handful of times we've actually done it)? Fine, let's go to the sex store. My treat!"- but once in the sex shop he was afraid to touch or look at anything because he had never been to a sex store before. Every now and then he'd give in and we'd have sex, but after a few months of sex once every 2 weeks, a new round of excuses came....I got off of birth control because it was actually making my cycle really irregular, so then the excuse was "I'm afraid you'll get pregnant." Once we decided we wanted to try for a baby, the excuse became "now theres so much pressure to get pregnant!"

Meanwhile, although he had never had an ED issue before, he developed one about a year ago (like 3 months into the marriage), which progressively got worse as the months went by. Finally, this past summer, he went to the doctor and found out he had low T. The doctor suggested he lose weight, but he hasn't fully gotten on the bandwagon on that. The doctor also prescribed Viagra, but then he had a bunch of excuses for why he didn't want to get on that (mainly cost...although he has no issue spending money frivolously on other things). Finally, the doctor gave him a few samples of Viagra a few weeks ago, but at this point, I'm so annoyed, resentful, bitter, and every other negative word, that I do not want to have sex with him!

I've lost so much respect for him over the job situation (he's been out of steady work for 2 years now and it doesn't seem that he's done all he can do to get back on his feet- rather he waits on other people to make a job fall out the sky for him). He has not taken his health seriously, and has not lost weight. I know weight does not drop off magically overnight, but I need to see an actual serious effort from him (I don't want to see him eating doughnuts and fried food). He has an excuse for everything and nothing is his fault. He now says that Low T was the reason for little to no sex from the beginning, BUT like I said, the honeymoon we did it every night, but once we got home we stopped having sex. Low T doesn't make you lose your sex drive THAT quickly! Also, I found porn on his phone twice during the first 6 months of the marriage (no sign of porn addiction) and he admitted to masturbating...so the sex drive obviously wasn't completely gone.

I'm just really sad and horny, but I don't want to have sex with HIM! (That's so horrible, I know). I'm too young (with NO KIDS) and we are too early in the relationship for our sex life to be like this! I'm feeling as if I'll never regain the level of respect I need to have for him in order to find him attractive again. I'm thinking of cutting my losses (considering his sex drive seemed to be low from our assessment in His Needs, Her Needs).

We've been to marriage counseling, but no change. I've actually been talking about divorce the last few weeks, but he keeps pulling me back so we can "try harder," but I feel like I was the only one trying for the entire first year, which he was doing nothing. (Not only are we sexless in my opinion, but the communication was really crappy. I'd tell him everything that was going on with me or how I felt and he was busy putting up a front to appear like "the man," but constantly ran to mommy and daddy for emotional support). We are pretty much just roommates at this point, but he doesn't see the big deal with any of this!

Any thoughts? Anyone else gone through this before and stayed around only to get no results after years of "trying harder?" I feel like him "trying harder" would just result in pity sex for me...that's not way to live :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
422 Posts
I said that I need sex 2-3 times per week in the marriage and he repeated "what we do now is fine with me." So, looking back, it looks like his libido was not high from the start.
What you have is a textbook case of mismatched sex drive. Complete with religious BS about why you weren't getting any before marriage. You will never be happy married to this man. Sorry to be so terse about it but that is really all there is to say.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
567 Posts
Low T does make a person tired, can lead to an inability to lose weight and makes for a low sex drive. He may be telling the truth. Why has his doctor not put him on Testosterone? (unless you are trying to have kids which means Testosterone is a bad thing)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
381 Posts
Fake, he told you at the beginning what his level of need was. You overlooked it like I did with a lot of things my X said to me. I was 'In Love' so I brushed aside any red flags.

My experience was different. My X (49 at the time) and I (47) at the time had a lot of sex before marriage. She told me sex was very important to her. We live together for a year and then got married. Within 6 months of marriage she almost cut me off completely and changed her whole story about how her mom had ruined her and taught her sex was a 'wifely duty' and that it was more like a chore than pleasure. Need less to say we are divorcing after on 3 years together.. there are other issue but I won't jack your thread. You 2 either come to a happy medium or go seperate ways. don't waste the rest of your 30's
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
When my wife and I got married and first moved into an apartment, I lost my job due to American's buying out companies here, saying we will all proper and not to worry and then 1 year later, plants get shut down and moved to the U.S. This has impacted the Canadian city I live in big time and there no longer is any big industry, mainly retirees, vacation homes, and foreign students. It took me 3/4 of the year to find work and I was on EI, never had my wife pay for my share of anything and yes, very stressful time. But I still always had a high sex drive and weight trained. That totally got the stress out of my system and I don't know what would of happened if I did nothing. Sex 2 - 3 times a week to me is nothing great, average and not that high. It's enough for me to survive and not look at porn or get blue balls. See, my wife has a low sex drive, similar to your hubby's. You sound like me, usually in the mood with a high drive. I've been married 13 years now the sex situation hasn't changed much. It's when my wife is in the mood and I always have to initiate because she is passive. I've thought about divorce many times because I know I could get another woman with a high sex drive that takes care of her body. "For better or for worse" comes to mind, and I'm God fearing so I put up with it. If I could find some supplement or anything that would get her in the mood much more often, high drive and take care of herself, I would just do it. In my case, I was super skinny with thick glasses. Now I have 20/20 vision from laser eye surgery and from weight training, I'm 230 lbs at 6ft 2, from 165 lbs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
TN, we were thinking about kids when the news of Low T came up, and we decided Testosterone would not be good for us. But now, I'm very concerned about having kids with him (due to other issues in the marriage).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
You can see I have a thread on here about my husband's ED but it is a much different situation than yours. I think if you don't have kids yet and you want to divorce then you should. Once you have a kid together it is much harder to leave.

My husband at least is willing to talk about and work on his ED and it sounds like yours isn't. That is a tricky situation for you. SOunds like you have other issues- maybe he is just not the right guy for you.

My husband's sex drive can ebb and flow and I have hope that we can work it out plus I am deeply in love with him so I do not want to leave him. But it sounds like your husband doesn't want to work on it or doesn't even see it as a problem. I would say leave now before you have a kid but I don't really know your whole situation so that is my off the cuff advice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
84 Posts
Hi,
I've been lurking for a while, but wanted to respond to this. If your husband has low T, testosterone is not the only option. Go see an endocrinologist. He can put your husband on clomid to increase testosterone. It's fertility friendly, and I believe it is also prescribed to increase sperm count. My husband has been on it for several months and it increased his T by 100% and has made an enormous difference with literally no visible side effects.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top