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My husband and I have been married for just over 1 year. It all began about 3 months after we got married. My husband stopped climaxing when we're making love.

I have spoken with him about it and he keeps claiming I'm not the issue and that it's just his age. My husband is 36, I am 28.

He doesn't have an issue when he's...doing things himself, he always reaches a climax. At this point it must be me. I just don't know how to get him to tell me what he needs.

I feel like this is ruining our marriage. It's all I think about, we fight about it all the time. And when we do make love neither of us can enjoy it because it's on our mind.

What do I do?
 

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My husband and I have been married for just over 1 year. It all began about 3 months after we got married. My husband stopped climaxing when we're making love.

I have spoken with him about it and he keeps claiming I'm not the issue and that it's just his age. My husband is 36, I am 28.

He doesn't have an issue when he's...doing things himself, he always reaches a climax. At this point it must be me. I just don't know how to get him to tell me what he needs.

I feel like this is ruining our marriage. It's all I think about, we fight about it all the time. And when we do make love neither of us can enjoy it because it's on our mind.

What do I do?
From experience I would not be able to do the same act either, and it became a major issue with an ex girlfriend. The fear of pregnancy even with her on the pill kept me from climaxing. It killed her that I could go over an hour and not pop. She felt it was something she was doing that stopped it from happening. No matter how much I tired to tell her I enjoyed the act without coming, she would not believe me. I had no problem from oral, but just the act of intercourse was an issue for me. It took serious effort on my part to eventually do that, and it was only with a condom, which she despised. Talk it out with him and see if this is the issue? Communication is the only way to solve this. If it still persists, consider counseling or sex therapy.
 

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From experience I would not be able to do the same act either, and it became a major issue with an ex girlfriend. The fear of pregnancy even with her on the pill kept me from climaxing. It killed her that I could go over an hour and not pop. She felt it was something she was doing that stopped it from happening. No matter how much I tired to tell her I enjoyed the act without coming, she would not believe me. I had no problem from oral, but just the act of intercourse was an issue for me. It took serious effort on my part to eventually do that, and it was only with a condom, which she despised. Talk it out with him and see if this is the issue? Communication is the only way to solve this. If it still persists, consider counseling or sex therapy.
When we first got married I thought that was the issue. We were both wanting to wait before adding to our family because I have a small son, and he has 2 teenager daughters. But when we found out a I was pregnant, it was still an issue. And so then I blamed the pregnancy. I'm not pregnant anymore and still nothing.
I feel a lot better though thinking maybe it's something besides the sensation or view that's causing this issue.
 

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Sex without climax is like eating cake without frosting
 

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Sex without climax is like eating cake without frosting
Maybe for the first couple of bites. It starts tasting like sand right quick after a while.
 

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I don't think it's his age unless he is also extremely unhealthy. If he can climax on his own then I'm inclined to think it is a mental thing.

No More Mr. Nice Guy discusses having sex for your own pleasure and not being SO focused on your partner's pleasure. Could it be that he is so worried about you that he's taken his mind out of the game? The point isn't to be a selfish lover but instead be aware of the pleasure you are receiving instead of just sticking with what works for your partner. So instead of just resorting to what he knows has worked for you in the past and focusing on that, he opens himself to new experiences for his open pleasure that might also work for you and improve the dynamics of your sex life.
 

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I have this problem every once in a while, and it seems to have progressed a bit with age in the past few years (I'm 35). I rarely, if ever, have problems getting or maintaining erection, so when I can't "climax", I can't pinpoint the problem, since it's clearly not lack of attraction to wife or me just being unaroused at that moment. Often, though, it is because the wife is too 'wet' and I can't build enough friction, or if I'm not into it that night (usually due to work stress or exhaustion). Another thing that happens to me is that I feel like I'm going to climax too soon, so I purposely hold back / slow down, and that occasionally keeps it from happening at all. Not sure why it happens like that.

If he's making an effort to pursue you in the bedroom, there is probably some medical reason causing this, not lack of desire for you, so perhaps an appointment with a medical professional is warranted.
 

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First off, I'm 90% sure this isn't being caused by you. Guys are designed to be able to cum when they have sex with their women. This is most definitely not you if you're being enthusiastic, employing foreplay to amp him up before penetration, etc.

Does he masturbate a lot? If so, then one of three things might have happened.

1 - He's trained himself to orgasm with more pressure and speed than you can provide with your vagina.

2 - He masturbates so often that whenever you have sex he's just masturbated in the last 24 - 36 hours, and so he is still in a kind of recovery period. He can get it up, but it's a hard struggle to get to the finish and it's not worth the effort to him.

3 - He holds himself back in order to go longer to please you more.

Either way, the answer is the same - stop masturbating. He might balk at this, but the payoff will be worth it if you do your part. If it's #1, then it will take time for him to fully retrain himself. Just keep it up, you'll get there. Some guys can't orgasm from oral for the same reason - they get it so infrequently and masturbate so much that oral feels great but doesn't make them pop.

You help out on #1 by being patient and reassuring. You explain that you understand what's happening, that you love him, that it drives you wild for him to cum in you, that thinking about it during the day makes you so wet that you can't wait for the next time you have sex. Reassurance is critical in this - if, while during the act, he starts thinking that he might not be able to cum, then he likely won't. He needs to focus on cumming, on what feels good, etc.

For #1, when you do have sex first start out slow, then gradually build speed. A suggestion for a position to get him to the finish line is this: While in missionary, have him "scoot" down a little, wrap his hands under your lower back, then move his legs/knees up close to you. The position should result with him being hunched over, with his head on your chest (depending on how tall he is compared to you). The direction he will be going won't be straight in, but upward. If he gets it right, he'll be hitting your g-spot. Then he can jackhammer you easily in short little movements for quite some time, and since he won't be penetrating fully, the head and upper shaft will be getting more stimulation than straight-in penetration. This will make it easier for him to pop.

If it's scenario #2, then he needs to let his need and desire build for a couple of days (hence, 2-3 times per week is normal). This makes it easier for him to cum because it's like pulling a rubber band tighter and tighter - if you only stretch it a little and release it every day, there's not much snap. If you stretch it out really far, then it's easier to get a good snap. You help out in this by being sensual, looking good, light kisses on his neck when he's not expecting it, grabbing his ass and whispering in his ear in passing. You know, the stuff that you wish he'd do to you to get you in the mood. It works for us too. Help prime his need for him, and you do that by teasing him but at the same time promising that the reward will come if he's patient and can refrain from pleasing himself.

For scenario #3, he might love you so much that he's sacrificing his own pleasure to make you happy, or at least that's his goal. If this is the case, you need to let him know that no matter what, you're having fun, and that you want him to be selfish in this regard. That you get off on having him cum in you, so holding himself back is not good. He needs to let go and enjoy himself because you sure are enjoying yourself, that it's not fair to him, and if he lets go you'll enjoy it even more because he cums in you. If you can't orgasm before he pops, then more foreplay might be needed for you, or he can hold back to get you to pop, just not every time you have sex. Control isn't just about refraining from orgasm to make it longer, it's about cumming faster if you want to as well.

Remember, sex is a vital need for him, both emotionally and physically. If you want him to stop masturbating, you need to be his emotional and physical outlet for sex. He has to trust 100% that you won't fail him. If you do fail him in this regard, he'll start masturbating again and you'll be right back where you started.

Something else as well - He needs to know you're available for him. He won't initiate if you make it seem as if you'll say no when he asks. That's what I mean by trust you 100%. Every guy fears sexual rejection - for many of us it's our greatest fear. If you reject him, he'll draw away from, and he'll stop asking you because he's afraid of being hurt again. This doesn't happen after the 1st rejection, but after 3 or 4...

Rain checks are a great thing, just make sure they don't get re-rainchecked.

By the way, I'm speaking from experience on this. I was afflicted with #s 1, 2 and 3. These are the steps we used / are still using to work through this.

Good luck!
 

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Okay so it's not a pregnancy fear if it was going on when you were pregnant.

I got nothing other than its a porn and/or a masturbation problem.

My husband is 47 and the only time that's happened was when we had already had sex that day.
 
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My gut tells me this is a masturbation/ porn issue as well. If he lays off the self stimulation and only orgasms inside of you, this issue will likely go away. I think he will be relieved when this happens and get back into the grove of PIV orgasms. Stress and worrying about stuff like this can mess with a man's mind....and his penis.
 

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That's just what I was going to say... sounds like to me he may be "supplementing".

I remember once in my marriage when I was going through a lot of stress and I totally had a MB marathon with porn. For three days I must have gotten off maybe 12 times. (My wife was on a trip for a couple days.) When she came home she jumped my bones and I had a very difficult time climaxing. She climaxed, but she seemed a bit disappointed, and I was embarrassed. This was the first time in my married life when I wasn't able to climax PIV.

I now am doing everything I can to make sure I only climax PIV with my wife. I don't always succeed (I still sometimes MB -- she is LD in comparison to me -- in her mind she says she wants 3 days a week, but it hardly ever becomes that). But I'm trying to completely remove porn from the picture. So far it has been better for me -- not sure she is seeing anything changing or not.
 
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