Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 143 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey,
I’m married 12 years
I’m 40 wife 38
3 kids

Ongoing problem for years with lack of sex.
Always me initiating 99% of time.
I always feel like in begging and makes me feel like a pervert I get so desperate.
When we do do it it’s always at wrong time get interrupted or we have to be quick.
No intimacy, no kissing, no foreplay 90% the other 10% I get a rushed hard held wank then she turns on side and we have same sex each time.
We watch porn to get in mood, lately I’m finding it hard to ejaculate inside her ending up helping myself and she does same.

Hating this as it’s same **** over and over no variety no surprise no spontaneous sex and always me.

Any help greatly appreciated as I’m very close to considering seeing a therapist.

Very recently she told me she had cramps and didn’t want to have sex but only 20 mins beforehand I walked in on her masturbating. I pretended I didn’t even notice and she tried again 2-3 times in 20 mins but I kept interrupting her so when I suggested sex she said I have cramps NO! Yet she was sorting herself out.

Feeling really ****ty now and unwanted.

She always says I have a very high sex drive but to me it’s not high I would have sex everyday.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
90% of what you do outside the bedroom leads up to what happens inside the bedroom. What is the day to day life like between you and your wife?

Do you still "date" your wife? When is the last time ya'll made time just for each other.

Are you a confident person or the type that lets "life happen to you" ?

Who wears the pants in the relationship ?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Always the same. I’m just at my end now with it.
There’s always excuses even before we married. But mainly after.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
We get out on dates about once a month.
But she spends more time on her phone playing games or on FB even when I’m trying to have a general conversation. 3 years ago I had an brief affair because same things were happening she’s not putting anything into us or me and I’m the type of person who likes to feel loved not just in a sexual way but be told I’m loved and get a hug now and then. Don’t want to go down same route as last time with an affair. When I bring to her attention to have more sex she does for a week and then back to square one again. It gets boring and frustrating for me all over.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
The affair thing is pretty bad but I'm going to pass over it for now ....

Here is some "general" information

A woman's libido is fueled "in reaction to." Ever notice that some guys seem to get all the woman? A woman desire is more responsive where a man is more spontaneous.

It is likely that you need to change some aspects of yourself to get her response. The fact that she is masturbating is actually a very good sign. It means she does have a

sex drive. On a side note: Leave her be with her masturbation...it has no reflect on you. Don't get it too mixed up in your head.

Focus on what it is about YOURSELF that needs to change.

Again: Who wears the pants in your relationship?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
I forgot to mention: I saw in your above that in your relationship that you "ask for sex". This is a huge no no. You have a lot of ground to cover ... I'm not sure where to begin.

It's possible she is wore F-ing out from chasing around 3 kids all day. But even in that case there is still hope. She might just need some leadership support.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Me, I wear the pants not by choice.
If I don’t do or say something needs to be done it don’t get done. Housework is an example. We share this but she’s the type of person that won’t clean a window but when she sees the window cleaner guy cleaning other houses she wants ours done too. She can be very lazy in all aspects of life. You talk about spontaneous, well I’m always trying to do spontaneous things and she rejects every single one! Every single time. It’s always on her terms when she wants it she gets it sex wise. We share everything with the house and regards kids school trips, training etc. So it’s not that she’s worked to the bone or anything. If she put half the effort into me than she does with her phone or friends we would be fine. Been to counsellors a lot of times over the years she makes changes but they last only a week or two after that she goes back to usual self. Now on the masturbation side, that day she had been telling me she had cramps then I walk in on her several times after the first time of walking in I suggested we have sex and I was shot down yet she was able to masturbate herself. Where was her cramps then? I’m after buying all her sex toys, lingerie and I’m the one trying new things. If it was the case she was playing ball with sex I’d have no bother leaving her alone to masturbate. It’s more the fact that it’s clear to me she don’t have sex unless I ask, and even then it’s only about a 25% Yes rate, it’s the same type of sex same positions little foreplay, almost zero oral.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
If I don’t ask for sex as in suggest we have Sex then how else do I get it with her? What have I to learn here? I tried all other approaches, romance, massage with oils, roleplaying, porn. What happens at times is if I wake up in morning she’s on her phone playing games I watch some porn on phone and this leads us to have sex then most of the time. But again it’s me. She never initiated. Never. I’ve tried her at the kitchen sink, outside sex, places where we are alone in public but nothing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
86 Posts
Mr. M has nailed it ... most likely ... assuming no other darker reasons such as affairs (yours or hers) or a sex-negative outlook due to past trauma.

Women react to men's sexuality and leadership ... we may not like the rules but we gotta play by them.

You have to make her desire you. So change yourself (weights, money, stoic attitude, more playful, no passive-aggression, no complaining, no whining) and see the reaction. There is a theory that fixing a broken sex life takes one month for every year of the relationship, so get busy ...

And NEVER ask for sex, just never
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
She obviously has a sex drive and a fairly good one. What does that tell you?

As much as we would like others to change, the truth is that we can only change ourselves, and get the response we want due to that change.

Based on what you say about your wife .... if you do the work, you'll get what your looking for.

We don't have many details so there could be a lot of things going on ..... BUT.... she surely has a sex drive which puts you in a good position ...better than a lot of people we see with your issue.

Sounds like you need some general education on how the female sex drive works. Books are your friend. Ester Pearl , Rochelle Fox, and others are where you should look.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,886 Posts
We get out on dates about once a month.
But she spends more time on her phone playing games or on FB even when I’m trying to have a general conversation. 3 years ago I had an brief affair because same things were happening she’s not putting anything into us or me and I’m the type of person who likes to feel loved not just in a sexual way but be told I’m loved and get a hug now and then. Don’t want to go down same route as last time with an affair. When I bring to her attention to have more sex she does for a week and then back to square one again. It gets boring and frustrating for me all over.
You are not having a sex problem. You are having a relationship problem.

I would recommend marriage counselling if you can find a good one (but remember I am biased because I am a marriage counsellor).

Does she know about the affair?

Me, I wear the pants not by choice.
If I don’t do or say something needs to be done it don’t get done. Housework is an example.
That doesn't sound like what we mean by "wearing the pants".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Yes she found out about the affair. Went to marriage counselling and got through that and things were much better as in us as a married couple the sex thing or part in continuous.

Sorry I might be a bit slow but what is it that ye mean when ye say “who wears the pants” .

I’m sorry but I’m not buying into the theory that I must change I mean I’m literally after doing everything I can over the years and still find myself in the same scenario. When I do implement changes I stick to them 90% when she implement changes there always temporary a week or two at most. Back to square one then. I love my wife a lot but I also want sex without sounding like a total prick. I’m 40 and don’t want to be spending the rest of my years not getting much I mean I’m human and healthy so why not enjoy it.

Like today now I’m home kids in school perfect time to get close together but it don’t happen. Me changing won’t make any difference it will only serve to frustrate me more cause the more I do the less I get out of her.

I do believe it’s a marriage problem though. So I’m going to look into that again but we’ve been here a hundred times before it’s like Groundhog Day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
You sound like the kind of guy that wears his feelings on his sleeve. Are you overly sensitive? Sounds like it could be the case. Women like these guys as friends .... not sex partners.


"Me, I wear the pants not by choice."

The above is a bad deal as well ...... You would be much better off to be the type of guy that wears the pants by choice and example, not because that is who you want to be, but
because that is who you are.


The Affair: What progress have ya'll made on this front? Do you completely own the fact that your the screw up? Any part of "I did it because of her" is a real real REAL bad move.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
I’m sorry but I’m not buying into the theory that I must change I mean I’m literally after doing everything I can over the years and still find myself in the same scenario.

the more I do the less I get out of her.

.
Your not making the right changes .... this is why I was suggesting an education on female sexuality.
It starts with you understanding the differences ..... it's important. She is not you .... She doesn't think like you.

The more I do the less I get out of her:

This one could be important ..... describe "the more I do". Like doing what? Like your trying to nice her to death with doing everything around the house ....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
The female attraction plan
No more Mr. nice guy
Married man sex life primer
his needs/her needs

Buy them all and read them.

The more you think that you don't need to change..... the more things will remain the same. Ask yourself: How has your plan been working for you so far?

I'm not trying to be critical, but it is VITAL you understand some common elements of human sexuality. As much as we all wish "It should just happen" .... sex is no different in that
some study can go a long way for those that need it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,886 Posts
Yes she found out about the affair.
I have a suspicion it wasn't fully resolved. After all, you say you have moments of thinking about doing it again. That doesn't sound like it was really processed.

Went to marriage counselling and got through that and things were much better as in us as a married couple the sex thing or part in continuous.
I'm not sure I understand that. You say you got through and things were "much better". But you are also telling us how unsatisfactory your relationship is now (NOT JUST in the sex area).

Sorry I might be a bit slow but what is it that ye mean when ye say “who wears the pants” .
It means, who feels like the dominant animal. Who defers to who?

I’m sorry but I’m not buying into the theory that I must change
Then there is no hope for you.

I mean I’m literally after doing everything I can over the years and still find myself in the same scenario.
Then obviously those are the wrong things.

For a start, never ask for sex.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,281 Posts
Sorry I might be a bit slow but what is it that ye mean when ye say “who wears the pants” .
Who is in charge in your house?

If your not an assertive type of guy you would have been better off to marry a woman with a "weaker" personality.

If your wife is more assertive than you ..... that's usually not a good combo for a sexual relationship. This is a generalization but often is true.

Generalization Again: Woman are more prone to be attracted to assertive and confident guys ... the ones that know what they want and live that way.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,989 Posts
What was your sex life like when you were first married?
Always the same. I’m just at my end now with it.
There’s always excuses even before we married. But mainly after.
If your sex life has always been like this, even before you married, then this is as good as it's going to get. The best you'll ever do is get back to what you had when you two first met and the New Relationship Emotions were coursing throughout.

I do have some questions.... How often do you approach her for sex and how often does she comply?

How long did your affair last and what was the fallout? Was she upset about it? Did the marriage counselor blame her for any part of that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,205 Posts
...I suggested we have sex and I was shot down yet she was able to masturbate herself.
What does that TELL you? She's so utterly emotionally disengaged from you at this point that she'd rather masturbate than touch you.

Sadly, you can take her out on all the dates you want - while she completely ignores you and plays games on her phone the whole time - because she's completely and utterly emotionally disengaged from you.

While I agree that most women are much more attracted to a confidant, strong man then they are to a weak, wimpy guy, I don't think if you were to suddenly change into a strong, sure, confident type that she'd fall back in love with you. I just think at this point she's only there with you primarily for financial reasons. I'll assume she's financially dependent on you or doesn't earn enough to live comfortably on her own with 3 kids. She also knows it's a lot more work being on her own supporting and raising 3 kids, so that's more than likely another reason why she stays. That's why a lot of women stay in marriages they're no longer invested in - because financially, they simply have no options.

How many more times are you going to drag her to marriage counseling before you finally face the writing on the wall, edam?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over - and expecting DIFFERENT results.
 
1 - 20 of 143 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top